I'm the greatest most talented movie critic.
Jan 4, 2024: after being burned for about 2 decades of hit or miss movies. I have decreed the following grading scale and rules .
1 free star if there is an actor, director, that has respected reknown. However if said famed actor starred in a stink bomb of a movie (and many are, especially "comedians". the movie will lose that free point.
10 is an A+ movie it's perfect. It made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me laugh-cry (painful tearing up laughter. I've pretty much seen all the gags). If mentioned movie has moved me to social action (ie pissed me off, or inspired me to do something), If the movie is geniunely FRESH (nonsensical movies, baffling but intelligent movies are welcome to try).
On the subject of Reviews:
(you also get a babbling movie review from me too). HOWEVER.. if the movie insults me, with cheap unfunny toliet humor (and toliet humor is funny actually, but I've since grown up from the 90's cheap laughs). The movie gets a 1 vote (or fail), and a babbling review (ranting).
On the subject of new fresh experimental ideas: Woke themes, foreign themes, themes that get me to think and get me in the feels, new comedy... I could care less. Just make the characcter 4 dimentional. (a movie exists to move us out here in 4th wall dimension INTO your world director, into your head. If you want to experiment feel free to do so, but make your characters alive. Could care less that so and so is a black, Transperson hero, with Neural divergencies, just make the character alive.... make the story alive. Example,
Cher stars as a mother of an American teenager in the 80's, who has facial deformities and a shortened life span. He struggles through the stigma, and has plans to motorcycle around the world. Does he make it to graduation?
On the subject of eye candy: Great visuals are great. Loved Speed Racer, loved Matrix, loved jon woo movies, loved Micheal bay movies. But don't make that the ONLY trait of the movie. Loved Gone in 60 seconds.... Get a point if I'm immersed in the film.
Writers: as if 2024 you guys got a new raise, and a bunch of other perks.... EARN IT. Write better stories. Don't make cheesy scenes, bland dialog... you don't get a star, or you lose one if you do.
Note my grades are not finite... they can go up and down, especially after rewatches... earn the rewatch and pray that it doesn't go down.
5 stars= movie is trite, but still watchable it's a C (c is a passing grade), This is the mid point. Think of it as the 50 year line of football.
4 stars is a C-, or D+ still passing but I wanted more, or too many mistakes have been made
3 stars very rare. Either I hate the movie completly and it's a 1, or I like it a 10, (nearly binary). or the movie was passable so a 5, or good passable 6.
2 Star the actor was great, or notable and the writeing and directing stinks. Their acting skills saved this still born dead fish of a film.
1 star (self explainatory)..... remember I give a star if there is someone notable in the movie. So this means that the movie was a total dud, and squanders the notable actor's talents. This movie wastes film, wastes the studio's money, the actors, time, waste of film (remember it pollutes to make a movie, construction movie sets, food-catering, vehicle transport, especially of the crew staffers, massive electricity, transport of the film (film is digital these days now), film backer's bling squandered... All for a cynical cash grab, or inserting some flavor of the week demograph, in a token role, and not really applying this opportunity for diversity to it's maximum potential. I could care less that the ghostbusters were women... just don't be lame. Could careless that Aprile Oniel is black just make her not so 1 dimentional.
Take a remdial course in film school to sharpen your writing and filming skills then come back to us. Oh and if you're going to be a cheap ass 90's comedian who still thinks poopy and pee pee jokes are funny : Myers, Knoxville, Sandler.. GROW UP. You lose that freebe point. So do you Jack "Skadoosh" Black.
6 stars: Good, enjoy able but not movie magic... Average but at least it's on a positive side right? Plus if the actor managed to score well, transition between genres, such as comedians experimenting with seroius films... You get a free point from a 5 (note I usually enjoyed the movie and threw in lots of cool points there, that could average to a 10). That's why I score yes 10, or no 1. C+ (65-70% this is a good mark).
7. Very rare, as stated this movie has pleased me, it is worth my money, it has tickled me so I laugh (but not cry that's a perfect 10... I'm basically needing to get defibed). But usually if a movie has made me happy enough, the experiment went well (ie Fight Club), or did what it was supposed to do, and staring some well know actor (free point), The score is usually 9, or 10. B- to A- (so high 80's to 90's).
8 the movie is ALMOST there. I'm laughing up mucus (from tears), I'm coughing ( I have asthma, I cough alot when I laugh alot). It's quite a frightful sight actually, but if I'm some old dude and I die laughing... Thank you.. if I cried because the movie is sad. That's ok. It's what it's supposed to do. If the movie has pissed me off about life and want to combat such an evil with volunteerism... If the movie is an epic and epically moved me (2 hours is ok too, just JUSTIFY those two hours, and not just eye candy)... This is an A (or 90-95 %).
9 (very rare.. the movie does so well +the bonus actor star-director point again this uqually makes a perfect 10. Something is just a little bit off. but we can't figure it out... was the movie too formulaic? Did it not transport me off planet earth and into planet hollywood? Was it WAY to complex. Remember ambitious movies are ok, experimental are ok.. I welcome the weird films, scary movies are ok.... but for movies it has to break past the the 4th dimention wall. Ok think of it this way. We the audience are the background characters sitting off in the distance runing our own lives, but still observing the story. Think of it as the guys who are in the side tables or back ground tables, we have fuzzy faces, while the camera focuses on some dialog between two mobsters or something.
Or we're just the random dude walking across the street while Quick silver or Flash just wizzed past us and we dont' notice. Or we're just fellow drivers on the street that are behind the other cars of some car chase. We still drive on lalalala nothing happened. turn the corner... That's us.
Make US come to YOU guys behind that screen. Just don't blow us up of course... That's why we park our asses down in dirty sticky seats, line up for the confectionaries, and tickets, and actually risk life and limb driving to the cinema... (busy freeway, attentive driving, nutty road raging drivers trying to cut us, off, dummies that try to jump infront of our cars for insurance money, breathing in toxic fumes. that neurlogically poison us. Why the hell should we come to YOU?
Hell we're the REAL movie stars of hollywood, just driving to the place... Why don't we just stay at home netflix and chill, with our pets, our blankets, or own house that smells like us and our pets and kids? That our own couch, or bed is where we put our own asses, instead of some rando's ass? right? no long line ups for the bathroom. Go the seve for some Orville popcorn, and a 2 leiter bottle, or order a pizza in, and spend time with the kids and pets? Why should we come to you guys for you to keep on abusing us with mornic films?
