ETZ_Critic

Coming from the same studio as Battlefield Earth should have been a red flag back in 2002 thanks to the failure of that movie. Granted, Franchise Pictures was also involved in The Whole Nine Yards, which may very well be Jonathan Lynn's funniest movie, but Half Past Dead is still only able to offer one moment of awesome: which is when a machine gun gets stuck in a door and is kicked back at its attackers by Steven Seagal's Sasha Petrosevitch.

Unfortunately, Half Past Dead is otherwise filled to the brim of underwhelming action scenes, pathetic acting, and a relatively bland soundtrack that is at the very least is consistent with a plot that rarely looks like it is even trying to make sense.

Recently, I've had some admittedly harsh ideas as to why all of the main characters in Chronicle are boys... and that's because Josh Trank doesn't seem to be completely understanding of a woman's dignity. This would explain why Kate Mara is more likely to shine in scenes that Trank clearly had nothing to do with.

That's not to say the movie's inability to develop characters properly ends there. Not when Reed Richards is a loner to the point where Ben Grimm is almost his only ally. Ben's reason for it seems to be on account of the break he gets from a stereotypical big brother bully played by Tom Hanks' son, Chet. As for the scene that features Chet, I don't think Rita Wilson's entire screen time in Jingle All the Way is quite as mean spirited and unwatchable.

Not even a blissfully ignorant teacher saying "Take your magic trick to Vegas, you disqualified dimwit" is enough for me to feel bad for Reed, due to the excuse said teacher was probably using to make Reed pay for damage at a science fair. Reed Richards even causes more extensive damage to New York City when he and a few buddies fiddle with a teleportation device that clearly was not made for him or his overgrown spoiled brat of an associate Victor, whose later role as a villain is way too forced.

To make Richards even less relatable than I'd find him in the other media I've seen so far, Miles Teller deliberately phones in his acting left and right while Michael B. Jordan, Reg Carthey, and Tim Blake Nelson at least seem like they're trying to shine.

This crime comedy establishes itself as such with two amateur bank robbers using flashcards to remind themselves what to say when they hold up a bank. Then, in one of the most ironic turns of events I've ever seen in my entire life, a more organized duo of robbers make their move after the amateur robbers have gotten more money than expected.

One of the punks, Chuck, is surprisingly successful at hiding the loot in the bank restroom before using a gunshot injury to look innocent.

This fails to impress me due to the questions real life cops are likely to maintain. Although this is set in a small town that might not have heard of stories where criminals injure themselves to look innocent, I for one have heard such stories, at least one of which occurred in March of 1996, by which time Pauly Shore's charisma had become a thing of the past, thanks to Bio-Dome.

Despite proving more watchable at the very least, this movie does nothing to salvage that charisma.