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I'm surprised this film was so bad. Maika Monroe is a capable actress, and with the original providing a foolproof blueprint, it's hard imagine them mucking it up. But I forgot Hulu is owned by Disney, so of course it would be bad.

Where to begin. The direction is awful. Desaturated lifeless colors, constant closeups, odd camera angles, weird flat lighting, no use of shadows and odd lens choices (just because "The Batman" used a Helios lens, doesn't mean every daylight shot needs to be taken with one). Was there no director of photography on set?

The choice of location is awful, too. It's a mundane modern house with lots of reflective and shiny surfaces. Nowhere near the creepy New England mansions used in this type of movie. You know, building with actual verticality, carved wood railings that cast shadows, interesting textures that actually differentiate the rooms, staircases you can fall down and break your neck on... Horror 101.

The male lead is sleepwalking through the film. Matt McCoy gave a lively, committed performance in the original. This guy here barely even emotes. He's more window dressing than character.

Mary Elizabeth Winstead, while at least giving an effort, is no Isabella Sciorra, either.

The entire movie has to carried by Maika Monroe, who spends much of her time with the kid actors, who also don't give much of a performance. Watch 2009's "Orphan" to see how great child actors performances can be in a stranger-takes-over-family movie.

And the pacing. This movie is slooooow. I've seen Lifetime movies with more sense of urgency. But then for a movie that stretches like chewing gum the ending sure comes abruptly. No intelligence needed to outsmart the villain, no killing herself with her own trap, no getting up for one last scare. It just feels like everyone on set said "Let's just get this crap over with and collect our paycheck."

They wouldn't have been wrong.

Orphan is one of the few films that actually had me anxious during my first time watching it. Less of a "horro" film and certainly not like those countless The Conjuring style stinkers where nothing happens except for loud noise jump scares, it's more reminiscent of older thrillers like "The Hand that rocks the Cradle" or "Fatal Attraction".

Vera Farmiga gives a great leading performance, but the film is truly carried by a star making performance by Isabella Fuhrmann, who commands every scene she's in. The little girl played by Aryana Engineer also gives a fantastic performance and you really feel the trauma inflicted upon her.

The director got some amazing performances from his child actors, and Orphan differs from other horror films by putting children in real peril. This is a mean, gutsy film that consistently ramps up the dread until it becomes almost unbearable.

Unfortunately, it's not without its flaws. The husband played by Peter Sarsgaard is one wet blanked of a character, completely dimwitted and oblivious to all the mayhem going on around him.

And while few scenes stick out as overly long, the overall runtime of 2 hours feels excessive for what should be a lean mean thriller. Yes, there's a lot happening, but some of it gets repetitive (repeatedly threatening the little girl into silence, the extended slasher style ending).

The twist is also not handled that well, as it's basically just an exposition dump. Would have been more clever to do it via the teeth or some other clues.

I see some other reviewers complaining about the parents not realistically having been able to adopt a child. You'd be surprised.

All these are minor criticisms of an otherwise engaging and quite frightening film.

The visuals are gorgeous with a New England gothic kind of vibe, great use of shadow and perfect set design.

Esther's character design is instantly iconic with her dresses, ribbons and choker.

Isabella Fuhrmann deserved more recognition for the role which should earn her a spot among the all time horror greats. She opens all the stops with her performance, alternating between innocent and vulnerable to menacing, cold and calculating, an attempt at seducing and later on all out murderous.

If you're in the mood for a good horror thriller, this is a great watch.

There's a prequel (released way too late), which leans more into the campy aspects than psychological horror. It's not as good, but still enjoyable.

The original 1984 Toxic Avenger isn't a great film by any stretch of the imagination, but there's a reason it became a cult classic. In the 80s, everything mutant, disgusting and weird was cool. When geeky Melvin is bullied and tormented until he falls into a barrel of toxic waste that transforms him into the hulking toxic avenger (to Mussorgsky's Night on Bald Mountain), it's pure 80s trash iconography.

The remake... is nothing like that. There's no Melvin, no bullies but an entirely different story about an evil pharmaceutical company (of course) poisoning an entire town.

The new Toxie is a new character, Winston, a midget taking care of the son of his deceased girlfriend who works for said company as a janitor. All around, this character is better written. He has real motivation, character and an overall likeable and positive attitude. While I find Peter Dinkelage to be an insufferable twat off camera, he performs well here as Winston. I'm not sure he works as the Toxic Avenger. The makeup looks terrible, much worse than the original, and it somehow doesn't feel right for Toxie to be short and stocky.

But the rest of the world feels perfect. In what is the movie's greatest achievement, they recaptured the Troma energy perfectly without it ever once feeling like a parody or cheap nostalgie bait. The dystopian town feels lived in and well thought out with its own Robocop like dystopian TV, monstrous band that moonlights as killers for the company, mafia who shakes down the company, mutated little birds (great practical effect) and brilliantly named comedic shops. The naming of the burger place had me laughing out. Named "Miss Meat", formerly "Mister Meat", in a town full of toxic slop is brilliant. The writing and world building here is better than it has any right to be. There are so many pointless but cool little details, like the band's female member only talking gibberish, subtitled with nonsensical runes, and the guy underneath the Chicken head. They're not just cheaply referencing Lloyd Kaufman, they've adopted his vibe. The obligatory boob and crotch shots are back as well, and the gore effects are beautiful. No digital blood for once, but gorgeous fountains of red gunk. Entrails flying, heads crushed, body parts ripped off.... it's even more bloody than Toxic Avenger 4.

The costumes are all fantastic (except Toxie himself for some reason), as are the sets and locations.

Almost all the actors have fun with their roles, except for the female lead who wears the same facial expression for most of the film.

Elijah Wood really stands out among the villains, reminding us again of what a great actor he is.

The music is great for the most part. They even used a remixed version of Night on Bald Mountain for the transformation scene.

My only gripes are the female lead, a bit of pacing lag in the second half and the bad Toxie design. If not for those little nitpicks, it would be 10 stars.

Well done!