bernardlcrawford's reviews
This page showcases all reviews bernardlcrawford has written, sharing their detailed thoughts about movies, TV shows, and more.
35 reviews
I had no expectations upon discovering this um, er, uh film? The first 15 minutes my laughter was non-stop. To pull it off all they needed was for the director to engage his friend's 6 year old daughter to design and create the costumes. They are darling! I did find the 17 scenes of the dog men smelling one another's butts gratuitous. I want a DOG MAN!!!!
I actually found this movie incredibly amusing. It is SO bad on SO many levels, you will find yourself laughing at the dialogue, actions and horrendous make-up. This is perfect for Rifftrax to Riff on. MST3K would have loved it. There is SO much to make fun of in this movie it is frightening.
During the viewing, look to the one, so called soldier in the back wearing shades and is bald. The the camouflage make up he is wearing consists of a thick black line drawn around his head and one line drawn straight up from the front. At a distance, his head looks like the head of a penis. I laughed my ass off.
Technology has been pushed back 50 years thanks to this one. Of course the alien has to be some horrid, cheap knock off of the Predator. Stan Winston is rolling over in his grave!
The premise? A 5 man Navy Seals team has fallen to aliens. They know 1 is alive (ONE mind you). Upper command states no rescue but a dumbass group of idiots think it is transactionally copacetic to have 5 more solders die to save one. As soon as they reach that soldier, he dies! LOL.
ENJOY the BADNESS!!!!!!!! Love all that smoke! And laser fire that comes from nearby ground squirrels!
During the viewing, look to the one, so called soldier in the back wearing shades and is bald. The the camouflage make up he is wearing consists of a thick black line drawn around his head and one line drawn straight up from the front. At a distance, his head looks like the head of a penis. I laughed my ass off.
Technology has been pushed back 50 years thanks to this one. Of course the alien has to be some horrid, cheap knock off of the Predator. Stan Winston is rolling over in his grave!
The premise? A 5 man Navy Seals team has fallen to aliens. They know 1 is alive (ONE mind you). Upper command states no rescue but a dumbass group of idiots think it is transactionally copacetic to have 5 more solders die to save one. As soon as they reach that soldier, he dies! LOL.
ENJOY the BADNESS!!!!!!!! Love all that smoke! And laser fire that comes from nearby ground squirrels!
I have a co-worker that views a youtube channel that exclusively watches the most horrid of movies. He recommended to me "Suburban Sasquatch". My room mate and I found that completely laughable. I did not even have to view the Rifftrax version of it to get a multitude of guffaws. It was similar to "Plan 9 From Outer Space" so bad in every aspect that it makes one laugh.
He recommended this movie. I assumed it would be in the same in its incompetency level as the other, I was utterly incorrect. I watched 15 minutes of this atrocity and not one laugh.
This is what I reference as a "Purgatory" or "Limbo" movie. A production so completely absent of positive facets, it should not exist. We are being drowned in such movies these days. Everyone believes they can act, write scripts and film, they cannot and this is proof of it.
Cinematography is horrid. Much shot out of focus. Night scenes are badly done. These are the kind of movies that induce headaches. No proper framing of shots.
Acting is non-existent. I saw that one actress had over 100 roles until I saw all were "Uncredited". Can one make a living in films just being a background person?
Sound: At the 15 minute mark we encounter an interaction between a young man and woman. I was raised on a farm in an agricultural area. We had crickets. They were not SO loud that you had difficulty hearing what a person is saying to you standing a scant 2 1/2 foot from you. ADR anyone?
Nothing to see here. It is a waste of your viable life span. I do not understand how SO many of these POS movies are being made. Everyone has to be in complete and utter denial of the fact they are making a piece of excrement.
He recommended this movie. I assumed it would be in the same in its incompetency level as the other, I was utterly incorrect. I watched 15 minutes of this atrocity and not one laugh.
This is what I reference as a "Purgatory" or "Limbo" movie. A production so completely absent of positive facets, it should not exist. We are being drowned in such movies these days. Everyone believes they can act, write scripts and film, they cannot and this is proof of it.
Cinematography is horrid. Much shot out of focus. Night scenes are badly done. These are the kind of movies that induce headaches. No proper framing of shots.
Acting is non-existent. I saw that one actress had over 100 roles until I saw all were "Uncredited". Can one make a living in films just being a background person?
Sound: At the 15 minute mark we encounter an interaction between a young man and woman. I was raised on a farm in an agricultural area. We had crickets. They were not SO loud that you had difficulty hearing what a person is saying to you standing a scant 2 1/2 foot from you. ADR anyone?
Nothing to see here. It is a waste of your viable life span. I do not understand how SO many of these POS movies are being made. Everyone has to be in complete and utter denial of the fact they are making a piece of excrement.
As I approached the climax of this coprolite, I felt an overwhelming desire to take my own life. Fortunately I contacted a suicide help line. The individual with whom I pleaded my plight finally talked some sense into me and told me NEVER, EVER watch another Killjoy movie again or the consequences would be dire... I am still ALIVE!!!!
Horrible abhorrent abominable appalling awful cruel disgusting dreadful eerie frightful ghastly grim grisly gruesome heinous hideous horrendous horrid lousy nasty scandalous scary shameful shocking terrible terrifying beastly detestable disagreeable execrable fairy fearful loathsome lurid mean obnoxious offensive repellent repulsive revolting sickie ungodly unholy unkind and completely and utterly UNORIGINAL!!!!
Completely and unmitigatedly unwatchable, this project just constantly engages my gag reflex.
The first 15-20 minutes of the introduction of the so called actors is intolerable. Can you actually film an aspect of this generation that is more reprehensible then the "self" absorption that runs rampant in our culture? You have an imbecile in the back seat that cannot get enough of herself on video tell everyone to be quiet because she is blogging. The person next to her is videoing her as she videos herself and the moron in the passenger is videoing both of them videoing! Do all these simpletons actually believe EVERYTHING they say or do is SO infinitely interesting? Well 99.9% of it is NOT. In the context of the movie it is not! How about a script that actually has dialogue that one can at least empathize with the characters or get to know them? No, all wooden and non-interesting mindless twits and prats.
Meet the parent and they do the same thing. Cell phones connected to them by their umbilical cords.
I love the titles sequence, "When Urban Legends Attack"? Does the addlepate that wrote this have any idea what an Urban LEGEND is?
When will "Found footage" videos die? They are so cheap to make they never will. For every one that actually can work you have 99 that just SUCK! and you guessed it, this is one of the 99. Another aberrant AI choice made by TUBI. They should get another AI programmer.
The first 15-20 minutes of the introduction of the so called actors is intolerable. Can you actually film an aspect of this generation that is more reprehensible then the "self" absorption that runs rampant in our culture? You have an imbecile in the back seat that cannot get enough of herself on video tell everyone to be quiet because she is blogging. The person next to her is videoing her as she videos herself and the moron in the passenger is videoing both of them videoing! Do all these simpletons actually believe EVERYTHING they say or do is SO infinitely interesting? Well 99.9% of it is NOT. In the context of the movie it is not! How about a script that actually has dialogue that one can at least empathize with the characters or get to know them? No, all wooden and non-interesting mindless twits and prats.
Meet the parent and they do the same thing. Cell phones connected to them by their umbilical cords.
I love the titles sequence, "When Urban Legends Attack"? Does the addlepate that wrote this have any idea what an Urban LEGEND is?
When will "Found footage" videos die? They are so cheap to make they never will. For every one that actually can work you have 99 that just SUCK! and you guessed it, this is one of the 99. Another aberrant AI choice made by TUBI. They should get another AI programmer.
Horrid and detestable in every detail this atrocity and affront to humans should not be viewed. It is vapid and innocuous and that is being kind.
Acting is absolutely inadequate and lacking with EVERY individual in this so called production. A few seem to have difficulty even enunciating to a level of being absolutely incomprehensible. No character is interesting in any facet and as a matter of fact are grating in almost every way. They are precisely UNLIKABLE in every action taken.
What a concept to write a story about a killer whom basically in thrown onto the screen just long enough to dispatch a victim (That machete looks really sharp! LOL) then disappears leaving us with moronic actors and lines.
Even if a minuscule budget was spent, that in and of itself is no reason to to give a high rating to it. I have seen LOW budget productions that work.
This was an auto play on Tubi as I just let it pick the next movie. I will show greater discretion next time.
This is a four foot turd in a cesspool!
Acting is absolutely inadequate and lacking with EVERY individual in this so called production. A few seem to have difficulty even enunciating to a level of being absolutely incomprehensible. No character is interesting in any facet and as a matter of fact are grating in almost every way. They are precisely UNLIKABLE in every action taken.
What a concept to write a story about a killer whom basically in thrown onto the screen just long enough to dispatch a victim (That machete looks really sharp! LOL) then disappears leaving us with moronic actors and lines.
Even if a minuscule budget was spent, that in and of itself is no reason to to give a high rating to it. I have seen LOW budget productions that work.
This was an auto play on Tubi as I just let it pick the next movie. I will show greater discretion next time.
This is a four foot turd in a cesspool!
Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young were a wondrous group. However Nash Bridges leaves much to be desired. Unfortunately their distant cousin Stephen Nash could not be in the movies due to dying forty six years ago but they did try to find a part on the set for his corpse.
Corey Feldman reprises the role of the cross dressing demonic prostitute thing that he has been appearing as in real life hooking on Hollywood Blvd the prior 2 years. Although while on the street, his make up did not make him look as glamorous as in the movie.
This guy makes GREAT stakes carving them! You would think they were machine turned!
I am quite dubious about the claim at the end of the movie that this was based on a real story. Who knows, maybe Thomas Jefferson really did summon demons!
I was extremely impressed to find out that Grandma Jagger at 97 was able to write this script. And what is more amazing is she suffers from Dementia! GO GRANNIE!
Little does anyone realize the cell scenes were really shot in cells. Amazing.
This movie fills me with glee to know I suffer from short term memory and in a few minutes will remember nothing of it!
There is an inference at the end of this movie that we will be treated to SEQUEL! This is to be called Walter Nash! A real life New Zealand politician that during the course of the movie will fight the forces of evil as he runs for mayor of a small town and saves homeless animals!
I cannot WAIT!!!
Corey Feldman reprises the role of the cross dressing demonic prostitute thing that he has been appearing as in real life hooking on Hollywood Blvd the prior 2 years. Although while on the street, his make up did not make him look as glamorous as in the movie.
This guy makes GREAT stakes carving them! You would think they were machine turned!
I am quite dubious about the claim at the end of the movie that this was based on a real story. Who knows, maybe Thomas Jefferson really did summon demons!
I was extremely impressed to find out that Grandma Jagger at 97 was able to write this script. And what is more amazing is she suffers from Dementia! GO GRANNIE!
Little does anyone realize the cell scenes were really shot in cells. Amazing.
This movie fills me with glee to know I suffer from short term memory and in a few minutes will remember nothing of it!
There is an inference at the end of this movie that we will be treated to SEQUEL! This is to be called Walter Nash! A real life New Zealand politician that during the course of the movie will fight the forces of evil as he runs for mayor of a small town and saves homeless animals!
I cannot WAIT!!!
Other reviewers claimed that a missed opportunity to create a real life Scooby-Doo movie was missed. No it was not. There were already two made and that is more then enough. One reviewers contends it is not a copy of Scooby-Doo, Yes it is. For all intents and purposes, it is. The ONLY reason I would suspect The Evil Dead is mentioned is due to the amount of blood? Of course the blurb on the cover is a no name site and unknown person so why believe what is claimed? One could make a much better comparison. Yeah, they have a dog, so what?
The objective breakdown:
Cinematography: Less then average. Much of the film is shot in darkness. Camera seemed to have a great deal of difficulty in focusing. You will see many a shot not in focus. Shots are not properly framed. This occurs so frequently it is disturbing.
Sound: Average. Sound is clear and no difficulty discerning dialogue.
Music: Background music does not seem to fit the movie and is repetitious, loud and ingratiating after viewing for a period of time
Acting: Some are average. The actor playing the "Shaggy" character is horrid. The cop is not much better. It is amazing how much work some of these actors have in low, low budget er... movies, should I call them that?
Script: Predictable. This is suppose to be a parody. It is extremely obvious that the two writers attempted quite a bit of humor in the dialogue. The problem is, none of it is funny at all. The inability to write humor and the actors inability to deliver the lines properly is as painful as performing botched eye surgery upon one's self with a spatula. It fail completely what it sets out to do.
If one has absolutely nothing else to watch I guess one could watch this. There are SO many bad movies made it is like being hit by a tsunami. Regurgitation of the same film over and over makes me want to regurgitate.
The objective breakdown:
Cinematography: Less then average. Much of the film is shot in darkness. Camera seemed to have a great deal of difficulty in focusing. You will see many a shot not in focus. Shots are not properly framed. This occurs so frequently it is disturbing.
Sound: Average. Sound is clear and no difficulty discerning dialogue.
Music: Background music does not seem to fit the movie and is repetitious, loud and ingratiating after viewing for a period of time
Acting: Some are average. The actor playing the "Shaggy" character is horrid. The cop is not much better. It is amazing how much work some of these actors have in low, low budget er... movies, should I call them that?
Script: Predictable. This is suppose to be a parody. It is extremely obvious that the two writers attempted quite a bit of humor in the dialogue. The problem is, none of it is funny at all. The inability to write humor and the actors inability to deliver the lines properly is as painful as performing botched eye surgery upon one's self with a spatula. It fail completely what it sets out to do.
If one has absolutely nothing else to watch I guess one could watch this. There are SO many bad movies made it is like being hit by a tsunami. Regurgitation of the same film over and over makes me want to regurgitate.
The objective breakdown:
Cinematography: Non-existent. It is unknown what this movie was shot with but what was edited was not worth the effort. The individual shooting the film did not know how to focus the equipment. You can essentially attain a headache by attempting to view. Color is horrid, shots not blocked. I would liken to compare to a first effort by a person that knows nothing of the film process and received a cameras for their birthday.
Sound: Horrendous: They either used one microphone and just planted it in one location or multiple mics and not configured correctly. The amplitude of a voice will go from too loud to so soft you can barely hear and back again. Try and understand the reception from the walkie talkies.
Music: There is none. You would think the creator would have known someone that could have created a little mood music and loop it incessantly like so many other bad movies.
Acting: Stupefying: it is painfully obvious that no one is an actor. One would think at least one person would at least be passable. This is what one gets when one has no money and friends that you believe can act or you spent money and have no clue what talent is.
Script: Your brain will disengage within a matter of minutes. The writer loses focus and just rambles from one thing to another. We are subjected to idiotic conversations that are supposed to be thought provoking but are the lamest and non logical arguments one hears constantly. I do love the comment about psychics solving crimes, you can read about it in the National Inquirer! Now that line made me laugh!
Funny that they mention "Purgatory" because this is what I classify this movie as. It is a "Purgatory" or "Limbo". It has absolutely no redeeming quality to it what so ever. It is not passable and it does not provide any amusement in being so incompetently made. Do NOT waste time from your life viewing this piece of flotsam.
Cinematography: Non-existent. It is unknown what this movie was shot with but what was edited was not worth the effort. The individual shooting the film did not know how to focus the equipment. You can essentially attain a headache by attempting to view. Color is horrid, shots not blocked. I would liken to compare to a first effort by a person that knows nothing of the film process and received a cameras for their birthday.
Sound: Horrendous: They either used one microphone and just planted it in one location or multiple mics and not configured correctly. The amplitude of a voice will go from too loud to so soft you can barely hear and back again. Try and understand the reception from the walkie talkies.
Music: There is none. You would think the creator would have known someone that could have created a little mood music and loop it incessantly like so many other bad movies.
Acting: Stupefying: it is painfully obvious that no one is an actor. One would think at least one person would at least be passable. This is what one gets when one has no money and friends that you believe can act or you spent money and have no clue what talent is.
Script: Your brain will disengage within a matter of minutes. The writer loses focus and just rambles from one thing to another. We are subjected to idiotic conversations that are supposed to be thought provoking but are the lamest and non logical arguments one hears constantly. I do love the comment about psychics solving crimes, you can read about it in the National Inquirer! Now that line made me laugh!
Funny that they mention "Purgatory" because this is what I classify this movie as. It is a "Purgatory" or "Limbo". It has absolutely no redeeming quality to it what so ever. It is not passable and it does not provide any amusement in being so incompetently made. Do NOT waste time from your life viewing this piece of flotsam.
At the end of Christmas day, I treated myself to the spectacle that is "Godzilla, King of the Monsters (2019)". I have been a life long viewer of the iconic, mutilated beastie so the movie sated that, my desire to view a "Big Green" movie. I thoroughly enjoyed the CGI variations of the classic monsters and their shenanigans that would end in the oft death and destruction of humans and their abodes.
Afterwards I decided to visit the Internet Movie Database Site to attempt to gauge the response to the movie. This site has actually in that vein become useless in that so many false reviews are posted as to skew any reliable rating.
Let us define what the vast majority of imbeciles deem a review. They post "opinions". Are you aware that an opinion is NOT a review. If a person is to proffer an objective review, it would entail such observations such as quality of cinematography, quality of music, sound, acting, story, quality of special effects, etc. One would take these individual observation and explain in detail why they fail or succeed.
The large percentile of bipedal, thought deficient twits that decide to write a review dwell into nary a reason as to why their opinion should even be perused. Hence I was quite entertained by what I read.
Let us start with "This is a GODZILLA movie". The cretins that proclaim this movie deserves a 1 or 2 have obviously never seen a Godzilla movie. "It had a horrible story" they whine. Please elucidate me. Name the academy award winning "Godzilla" movie you are comparing this to? I have seen every Godzilla movie made. They are like old friends. Let me expound upon this. When I find myself under the weather and convalescing, I love throwing in a good old Godzilla movie. If it is an MST3k or Rifftrax version, all the better! I can only liken it to having a companion sitting in the room with me and it brings me comfort.
What are these decriers of the film screaming about a poor story? We have seen this story in countless other Godzilla movies. How many times have you seen the monsters controlled and utilized by aliens to wreak mass destruction and death? I can name the movies. How many times has someone used an oxygen destroyer? I can name the movies. How many times is the focal point a child? I can name the movies. How many times is the military brought in to deal with the problem with new weapons? I can name the movies. How many of them have a revenge motive? I can name the movies. Story wise, is it is a Godzilla movie, what did you expect you anencephalic twits?
We are discussing THIRTY FIVE films! The majority consists of grown individuals in rubber suits wrestling with each other on miniature constructed sets they destroy and due to sweating profusely, also smell intolerable! All are horridly dubbed. My preference is to have captions on and soundtrack in native language. You want bad? I will make you watch "Godzilla VS the Smog Monster" from start to finish. Then you will know what "BAD" is. So essentially take your 1s and 2s as your rating and cram them up your posterior orifice! You demonstrate you know NOTHING about Godzilla movies or movies in general. You would not know a bad movie if it crawled inside your underwear and stitched your buttock together with cat gut.
This one is even more inane. "The acting was horrible!" Can any twit enlighten me as to when it was a requisite to have the ability to act to be in a Godzilla movie? These movies have always been low budget films. The acting in the new movie is more than adequate. The cast is comprised of some very well-known actors and they are more than competent in their roles. What did you expect, Shakespearean trained thespians?
Anyone that complains about the CGI qualifies for a trans-orbital lobotomy. "Calling doctor Freeman and please bring your ice pick!" If you are attempting to contend that prior movies consisted of better effects, I am truly sorry about whatever unfortunate circumstances befell you to cause such a monumental amount of brain damage. I guess neural plasticity is of no benefit to you. CGI was very good and I could recognize the monsters with no difficulty. We even get our obligatory shot of Godzilla standing up in the middle of the ocean which he can do, no matter the depth! His great girth is very float worthy.
I was disappointed that they did not use the Blue Oyster Cult song "Godzilla" at the end of the movie. The version used was dreadful. The sound track was more than adequate as well likening back to variations of previous tried and true and recognizable themes.
Even if you are not a Godzilla fan or are a Godzilla fan, the movie does deserve at least an average rating. It is hardly the worse movie ever made and it is not even close to being the best movie ever made. There is a reality, why not attempt to seek it instead of wallowing in your version of it.
Afterwards I decided to visit the Internet Movie Database Site to attempt to gauge the response to the movie. This site has actually in that vein become useless in that so many false reviews are posted as to skew any reliable rating.
Let us define what the vast majority of imbeciles deem a review. They post "opinions". Are you aware that an opinion is NOT a review. If a person is to proffer an objective review, it would entail such observations such as quality of cinematography, quality of music, sound, acting, story, quality of special effects, etc. One would take these individual observation and explain in detail why they fail or succeed.
The large percentile of bipedal, thought deficient twits that decide to write a review dwell into nary a reason as to why their opinion should even be perused. Hence I was quite entertained by what I read.
Let us start with "This is a GODZILLA movie". The cretins that proclaim this movie deserves a 1 or 2 have obviously never seen a Godzilla movie. "It had a horrible story" they whine. Please elucidate me. Name the academy award winning "Godzilla" movie you are comparing this to? I have seen every Godzilla movie made. They are like old friends. Let me expound upon this. When I find myself under the weather and convalescing, I love throwing in a good old Godzilla movie. If it is an MST3k or Rifftrax version, all the better! I can only liken it to having a companion sitting in the room with me and it brings me comfort.
What are these decriers of the film screaming about a poor story? We have seen this story in countless other Godzilla movies. How many times have you seen the monsters controlled and utilized by aliens to wreak mass destruction and death? I can name the movies. How many times has someone used an oxygen destroyer? I can name the movies. How many times is the focal point a child? I can name the movies. How many times is the military brought in to deal with the problem with new weapons? I can name the movies. How many of them have a revenge motive? I can name the movies. Story wise, is it is a Godzilla movie, what did you expect you anencephalic twits?
We are discussing THIRTY FIVE films! The majority consists of grown individuals in rubber suits wrestling with each other on miniature constructed sets they destroy and due to sweating profusely, also smell intolerable! All are horridly dubbed. My preference is to have captions on and soundtrack in native language. You want bad? I will make you watch "Godzilla VS the Smog Monster" from start to finish. Then you will know what "BAD" is. So essentially take your 1s and 2s as your rating and cram them up your posterior orifice! You demonstrate you know NOTHING about Godzilla movies or movies in general. You would not know a bad movie if it crawled inside your underwear and stitched your buttock together with cat gut.
This one is even more inane. "The acting was horrible!" Can any twit enlighten me as to when it was a requisite to have the ability to act to be in a Godzilla movie? These movies have always been low budget films. The acting in the new movie is more than adequate. The cast is comprised of some very well-known actors and they are more than competent in their roles. What did you expect, Shakespearean trained thespians?
Anyone that complains about the CGI qualifies for a trans-orbital lobotomy. "Calling doctor Freeman and please bring your ice pick!" If you are attempting to contend that prior movies consisted of better effects, I am truly sorry about whatever unfortunate circumstances befell you to cause such a monumental amount of brain damage. I guess neural plasticity is of no benefit to you. CGI was very good and I could recognize the monsters with no difficulty. We even get our obligatory shot of Godzilla standing up in the middle of the ocean which he can do, no matter the depth! His great girth is very float worthy.
I was disappointed that they did not use the Blue Oyster Cult song "Godzilla" at the end of the movie. The version used was dreadful. The sound track was more than adequate as well likening back to variations of previous tried and true and recognizable themes.
Even if you are not a Godzilla fan or are a Godzilla fan, the movie does deserve at least an average rating. It is hardly the worse movie ever made and it is not even close to being the best movie ever made. There is a reality, why not attempt to seek it instead of wallowing in your version of it.
"To the PAIN!" The Dwead Pirate Woberts quips and then gives a full detailed explanation as to what it entails. After viewing this film I did exclaim out loud in the theater to the five people remaining "Dear God! What was that thing,"!
A horrendous script of a movie and equally horrid acting makes this a solution to curing your insomnia.
I love the fact that one of the character claims to have two knives that the Ripper used. She claims they have been authenticated. How is that possible? No one knows who the ripper was. There are up to 24 suspects, a mystery never to be solved. Did Jack send the knives to the police with a secret code at the time so they know he came from him?
An original horror script is asked from a group of writers and what do we get? "Jack the Ripper." Wow , original... How many movies have been focused upon Jack? Too many to write anything original. There is NOTHING original!
What about the sequence in which they are roaming around the building in cut scenes all experiencing or acting out horror and sound track is playing Hall and Oates "She's Gone". What the Hell do those song lyrics have to do with ANYTHING we are viewing? I was flabbergasted at that point.
So instead of viewing this creatively devoid film, watch the movie "Time After Time" which is a fun and wondrous movie pertaining to the Ripper and let this piece garbage rot by the side of the road and find its way into the sewage system.
A horrendous script of a movie and equally horrid acting makes this a solution to curing your insomnia.
I love the fact that one of the character claims to have two knives that the Ripper used. She claims they have been authenticated. How is that possible? No one knows who the ripper was. There are up to 24 suspects, a mystery never to be solved. Did Jack send the knives to the police with a secret code at the time so they know he came from him?
An original horror script is asked from a group of writers and what do we get? "Jack the Ripper." Wow , original... How many movies have been focused upon Jack? Too many to write anything original. There is NOTHING original!
What about the sequence in which they are roaming around the building in cut scenes all experiencing or acting out horror and sound track is playing Hall and Oates "She's Gone". What the Hell do those song lyrics have to do with ANYTHING we are viewing? I was flabbergasted at that point.
So instead of viewing this creatively devoid film, watch the movie "Time After Time" which is a fun and wondrous movie pertaining to the Ripper and let this piece garbage rot by the side of the road and find its way into the sewage system.
Let us just examine the title. First point there are "Monsters" not "A" monster. Second why would there be a location in Africa at that time named "Green Hell"? Would tribesman that have no idea or concept of Hell name it that? And that is just the title.
The copy I viewed was horribly cropped and appeared to be filmed through a screen door. These so called creatures just super imposed over footage do not resemble a wasp in any way shape or form. I have seen them in my bathroom during an acid trip though.
Someone inquired as to why MST3K never discovered this film. Well we did have a film with too much mountain climbing. One with a twenty five minute sand storm sequence. This film with its 46 minutes of walking sequences is just way too painful to bare.
The natives actually repeal the laws of perspective and psychics in this film. There is a sequence in which a tribal archer takes a shooting position on a ridge shooting perpendicular at porters. His toy bow can obviously not shoot a projectile 20 feet. There are huge number porters walking in a single file, 5-6 foot behind the one another as they march. They are 200-250 foot away. The archer hits one of the porters in the back. WHAT? The was the sequence that gave me a belly laugh.
I know they had pesticides at that time and just a few cans would have solved the entire problem. We can only hope this movie is redone in a more modern even crappier Sci Fy movie.
The copy I viewed was horribly cropped and appeared to be filmed through a screen door. These so called creatures just super imposed over footage do not resemble a wasp in any way shape or form. I have seen them in my bathroom during an acid trip though.
Someone inquired as to why MST3K never discovered this film. Well we did have a film with too much mountain climbing. One with a twenty five minute sand storm sequence. This film with its 46 minutes of walking sequences is just way too painful to bare.
The natives actually repeal the laws of perspective and psychics in this film. There is a sequence in which a tribal archer takes a shooting position on a ridge shooting perpendicular at porters. His toy bow can obviously not shoot a projectile 20 feet. There are huge number porters walking in a single file, 5-6 foot behind the one another as they march. They are 200-250 foot away. The archer hits one of the porters in the back. WHAT? The was the sequence that gave me a belly laugh.
I know they had pesticides at that time and just a few cans would have solved the entire problem. We can only hope this movie is redone in a more modern even crappier Sci Fy movie.
Let us endeavor to conjecture and propose a supposition pertaining to a conundrum I am experiencing after viewing this atrocity. Variable one pertains to a Roger Corman. This is a man with an incredible propensity for the creation of films on a minimal budget and almost ALWAYS a profit on his investment. He truly is the king of exploitation films. This being a remake (probably due to the film being out of copyright date) is of a 1959 movie he made.
So how does one create a movie to begin with on a minimal budget that still exceeds the product created decades later? Could it be an overwhelming plethora of non-talent?
I have a great affinity for actors that do horrible hillbilly stereotypes with Canadian accents. The "Leeches" are hand puppets that can be misconstrued for earthworms on steroids. I did find the "rifle" that was supposed to be a shotgun but was a toy musket seen multiple times. They try to exploit young ladies which has absolutely no impact in sexually gratuity within the film. We get a few scenes of a marsh but the action takes place around a lake, no marsh or swamp. Our hillbillies are supposed to be comical relief while we wait for a meteorite to plummet to earth and obliterate them. The sheriff inhabits room 12 with crap being stored in some building somewhere.
Let us examine one scene in particular. A search party has been gathered to attempt to locate two bodies. Several men follow the sheriff down the shore of a lake, not a marsh. All follow after the sheriff. Would it not behoove them to "Spread out" instead of following him and looking at their feet literally as they walk? One idiot is looking up in the trees where many a body has been known to be discovered. If only the Lockness monster would have interjected itself into the movie and consumed the entire cast, that would have been worth watching.
The Corman version of this movie receives a 3.5 on the IMDb which sounds about right. If you view the MST3K riffing of the Corman movie then it is a 7.0 as this film rates a 1.9 and should be considerably lower.
After viewing this movie I made preparation to invoke the great Cuthulu and the old ones to enter this dimension to rule but they declined because it is too dark and forbidding a place even for them and with absolutely nothing original that can be done in writing, films or art we are all in a pathetic Hell anyway.
So how does one create a movie to begin with on a minimal budget that still exceeds the product created decades later? Could it be an overwhelming plethora of non-talent?
I have a great affinity for actors that do horrible hillbilly stereotypes with Canadian accents. The "Leeches" are hand puppets that can be misconstrued for earthworms on steroids. I did find the "rifle" that was supposed to be a shotgun but was a toy musket seen multiple times. They try to exploit young ladies which has absolutely no impact in sexually gratuity within the film. We get a few scenes of a marsh but the action takes place around a lake, no marsh or swamp. Our hillbillies are supposed to be comical relief while we wait for a meteorite to plummet to earth and obliterate them. The sheriff inhabits room 12 with crap being stored in some building somewhere.
Let us examine one scene in particular. A search party has been gathered to attempt to locate two bodies. Several men follow the sheriff down the shore of a lake, not a marsh. All follow after the sheriff. Would it not behoove them to "Spread out" instead of following him and looking at their feet literally as they walk? One idiot is looking up in the trees where many a body has been known to be discovered. If only the Lockness monster would have interjected itself into the movie and consumed the entire cast, that would have been worth watching.
The Corman version of this movie receives a 3.5 on the IMDb which sounds about right. If you view the MST3K riffing of the Corman movie then it is a 7.0 as this film rates a 1.9 and should be considerably lower.
After viewing this movie I made preparation to invoke the great Cuthulu and the old ones to enter this dimension to rule but they declined because it is too dark and forbidding a place even for them and with absolutely nothing original that can be done in writing, films or art we are all in a pathetic Hell anyway.
How many times have we witnessed individuals in the horror genre warned pertaining to ancient rituals that you either must 1. Not perform said ritual due to horrific consequences ensuing or 2. The person performing said ritual will inevitably make a horrid mistake as per poor Ash, Ash: Klaatu Barada N... Necktie... Neckturn... Nickel... It's an "N" word,it's definitely an "N" word! Klaatu... Barada... N... coughs pause Okay then... I have said the words.
The actor that portrays the son instills in me and incredible urge to beat him with a live beaver. It has a very respectable cast but it is really just as interesting as a observing evolution occurring and I do not have that kind of life expectancy!
I did find it comical that a fire breaks out in the boys room, he is carrying a pack of matches and the father after arriving home is stopped by his ineffectual wife from kicking his little posterior. I was immensely disappointed. "So our son is an arsonist, he will grow out of it!"
So 862 jump scares later we realize we have discovered an entirely new depressant that can be utilized to overcome the worst insomnia one could incur. Let us just realize that there in NOTHING new EVER. Just a repackaging of the same elements over and over again. All one can hope for is the repackaging is pieced together differently. What has happened to our ability to create?
The actor that portrays the son instills in me and incredible urge to beat him with a live beaver. It has a very respectable cast but it is really just as interesting as a observing evolution occurring and I do not have that kind of life expectancy!
I did find it comical that a fire breaks out in the boys room, he is carrying a pack of matches and the father after arriving home is stopped by his ineffectual wife from kicking his little posterior. I was immensely disappointed. "So our son is an arsonist, he will grow out of it!"
So 862 jump scares later we realize we have discovered an entirely new depressant that can be utilized to overcome the worst insomnia one could incur. Let us just realize that there in NOTHING new EVER. Just a repackaging of the same elements over and over again. All one can hope for is the repackaging is pieced together differently. What has happened to our ability to create?