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Leap: A Tale of the End Days has all the hallmarks of amateurish Christian cinema: shoddy camerawork, illogical framing, padding the runtime with meaningless montages, uneven sound, songs intruding on the action for no purpose, characters behaving inscrutably, questionable sports, purchased special effects that stick out from the cheap cinematography like a sore thumb, and of course a plot that relies on cherry-picked Bible quotes. It stands out from the crowd, not so much by self-referential passages (where a character in this, a sequel, actually watches the preceding film on video!), but by breaking the Christian cinematic convention of clean mouths (some amazing cursing dialogue is heard) and bloody violence (not counting the stuff coming from rivers and water faucets). As usual, the good guys are the Christians, and a very specific type of Christian. I would bet a dime to a dollar that filmmaker Christopher Temple does not really know any actual Catholics, based on his portrayal of a college senior "brought up Catholic" whose responses to questions about religion bear zero resemblance to how any Catholic - good, bad, active or lapsed - would talk. I won't spoil the ending, but lets just say it is infuriating how the worst characters win because they espouse the "correct" interpretation of the Bible, and others lose no matter that they pray fervently every second of their waking lives.

Two stars for the uproariously funny performance of Annalise Cook as the television reporter. Also rib-tickling are the closing credits, which mention one name so many times I fear the Sin of Pride may have overtaken him.

All The King's Horses is a profoundly disturbing movie, not for the reasons the filmmakers intended. It shows a support system of family and clergy that fails miserably at protecting a battered woman. Because this is a Christian movie, this makes them the good guys.

Husband Jack (Grant Goodeve) is a creep. Pure and simple. He doesn't give a hoot about his wife or sons. We have no clue why he even wanted to marry the girl Sandy; his first action is to contemptuously flatten her car tire. Their courtship montage has no chemistry. Flash forward eight years (judging by the apparent age of their oldest son). Jack has become a decent breadwinner yet hasn't matured past an adolescent fixation on motocross. He starts beating up Sandy in front of the kids for being late with dinner. Sandy is played by Dee Wallace-Stone (the mother in E.T.). Her portrayal of a disillusioned, abused wife who cannot find anyone sympathetic to her plight is touching. Too bad her character is driven not by plausible motivations but by the unbending needs of the plot formula. Her opening voice-over yearns foremost for a good Christian husband. Jack displays not even a pretense of this. How does she overlook this painfully obvious flaw? Because he is fun to play with in a barn full of straw and mud. Sandy is viscerally believable when she and Jack fight, but inexplicable when she must to pretend she loves and cares about him.

The filmmakers do a good job of showing the abuse. Punches and slaps connect. Sandy's black eyes not only look genuine but even fade realistically as days go by. Beatings escalate. Sandy turns to her parents and pastor for help. They urge her to stop being selfish and give Jack another chance. What God has joined man shall not put asunder.

This mindset (which I admittedly don't understand) seems to follow the same logic as the Divine Right of Kings: we obey monarchs because God (not strategic marriages, land grabs, or skill/luck of battlefield generals) put them into power. Similarly, if two people manage to get married, God must have sanctioned it. Whatever happens subsequently has a purpose. Never mind that fallible (sometimes deceptive) men and women are their own matchmakers.

Sandy's existence becomes more nightmarish, Jack never showing the slightest indication he will change. Even Sandy's divorce lawyer stands in her way. We begin to doubt this could end well. But it's a Christian movie, so it somehow must. Will Sandy exact retribution on Jack, thereby becoming the villain? Will Jack kill Sandy, and will she find herself at the Pearly Gates rewarded for never divorcing the bum? Will Jack die on his motorcycle and eliminate such hard choices? Or maybe, just maybe, could Jack undergo a total personality U-turn and accept Jesus? One thing is certain: Sandy cannot correct her mistake, get a divorce and raise her sons happily ever after. Not an option.