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Nestle down and adjust your expectations for one of the insanenest moving pictures you'll see in your button-down life. This proto-Arachnophobia will have you bugging out and checking your bed for creepy crawlies. Or maybe you'll just sigh and think, "So it's come to this."

Blonde woman returns to her small island hometown and reklindles a romance with her highschool sweetheart, the sheriff. But turns out the island is experiencing a roach problem. And these aren't like the roaches that infest my kitchen in droves because my crazy roommate stores old newspapers in the cupboards and doesn't wipe off the counter. No. These are aggressive flesh-eating roaches, born of an experiment being carried on by one of those evil corporations. Can our courageous couple put an end to these preternatural pests?!

This movie is sub-Roger Corman. The non-roach parts are "tedious. Very tedious." And contrary to the poster, the roaches are normal size. There may've been some minor animal cruelty to get certain shots, and the sheriff isn't likable for a few reasons. There is a pay-off, in the last 30 minutes which I won't spoil except to say that what the roaches kill becomes a roach hybrid. And those parts are cool. Oops. I spoiled it. 90 minutes. B movie horror.

I give it 4.4 out 10 boom shaka lakas!

Ryan Gosling has it all. He gets to shoot guys who aren't technically people. He has an attractive holographic live-in girlfriend who's programmed to genuinely like him. And he's totally hot, like a smoldering Ryan Reynolds. But when an unforeseen turn of events propels him into the unknown, only one man holds the key to a secret so incredible, it could change everything. And that man is your dad (Harrison Ford).

Welcome to the future, where it's always nighttime and raining. And the darkness is disturbed only by colorful holographic advertisements for companies that helped produce the movie. The streets of the future are bleak. And a big, naked, blue-haired giant flirts with little regular-guys.

What's real? What's not? Who am I? Who's that guy? What's going on and where did I park? Who are you? Oh. I know you. You're my friend.

Near-future dystopia noir, 163 minutes.

Prepare to get mauled! Chopping Mall is a balls-to-the-mall, mall-or-nothing thrillride into the heart of American malls. It'll cost you an arm and a leg, and probably some other body parts too, but hey, at this mall, life is cheap. You like robots? Then siddown and listen.

Three generic, horny young men and one responsible, nerdy young man work at a mall and invite some 1980s girls to a little afterhours party. Having sex in the same room as one another seems to be taken for granted and nobody bats an eye (I think I would at least bring it up). Breasts are shown because this was toward the end of the Cold War. Turns out the KILLER ROBOTS that patrol the mall aren't functioning right because the plot requires it. And horny, young Reaganites start dropping like flies. They dies. But guess what. Nerdy guy and the one girl with a personality persevere. Basically what you do is blow up the robots using mall stuff. And then the world is safe and you can "do it."

We've struck a rich vein in the crappy horror mine known as the Wynorski lode. Not a lot of chopping going on in this "Chopping Mall" to be honest. Mostly lasers and poison darts and bullets. There's less suspense and anticipation than a date with me. We could forgive it all if the killer robots were interesting or the deaths more gruesome, but obviously a worthwhile movie just wasn't in the budget. If you're SHOPPING around for a horror film that's light on gore and heavy on cheesy moments, you might see what this one has IN STORE.

Campy scifi-horror, 77 minutes.

I give it 3.9 out of 10 Number Johnny Fives FROM MALL HELL.