tophicles

I managed to get through 45 minutes of this pablum. I'll be honest, the only reason I lasted that long was because watching this drivel had numbed my brain to a point of immobility.

Puerile storyline. Terrible acting, writing, directing and cinematography.

This should be transported out of existence for the good of the franchise. It is another example of "let's make it because anything with the Star Trek name on it will get viewers".

I only gave this a two-star rating because it's at least mildly better than the schlock the SyFy puts out - but only mildly.

I hope the legitimate actors in this "film" were under compulsory community service orders.

If you have the opportunity to view this film, please consider roasting your chestnuts on an open fire instead - it will be less painful.

There are movies that are so terribly written, acted and filmed that it's a pure joy to cackle at their absurdity (I'm looking at you, Birdemic, Operation Golden Pheonix, et. Al.) but this one couldn't even make that grade. Whatever laughter surfaced seemed forced and accidental with the exception of the obviously rubber crocodile with vermillion-red blood, props that change size without explanation and terribly tiny turkeys (more on that in a moment).

Featuring dialogue written by one million moneys - obviously high on eggnog, emotionless delivery so bland it makes English cuisine seem flavourful and pacing that allows for ample bathroom breaks between lines for you to hurl your Christmas cookies.

I think we can all accept that this offering only exists as a commercial for the local comic book shop - as our protagonists spend more time there in awkward dialogue than anywhere else. It's here where our plucky heroes stock up on dollar-store Hallowe'en "weapons" to fight our CGI shark - from a flaccid-fire crossbow, plastic spear and mace, to a turkey-tossing-trebuchet fashioned out of the dockside picnic tables.

There are numerous attempts to craft some "catchphrases" all of which fall on their faces about as flat as their delivery. The most memorable of which is "bells on shark tails ring". Yes, you read that right, unfortunately.

I spent 5 hours watching this 1 1/2 hour flick which was one half "Home Alone", one half "Jaws" and one half "Simon In The Land of Chalk Drawings". Yes, that's three halves because the math in this review should match the ridiculous absurdity of the film.

Whomever green-lit this Christmas turd should face a firing line of wooden soldiers. If you ever wondered what happened to the discarded snips of film from the cutting room floor of the Sharknado series - they were swept up and compiled into this holiday train wreck.

The real gift to the cast of this "movie" is that they'll never have to appear in another.

I needed to kick start my holiday spirit a bit so I decided to watch a movie last night. Under no circumstance, I repeat, only under the direct threat of bodily duress should you watch this dreck. It's a direct-to-tv remake of a 2004 film which is yet another addition to the tired team of lazy writers who continue to beat up poor, old tropes.

1/3 Scrooge, 1/3 Groundhog Day and 1/3 total shite, this movie could only be explained as a vehicle for Kelsey Grammar to showcase his daughter's acting - perhaps a "living audition". The sad takeaway is that no one viewing this catastrophe would ever permit her on film again.

Set aside the horrific green-screened scenes, the absolutely bottom-of-the-barrel "computer animation" and writing so tired it's wearing a kerchief and cap, there is nothing that could have saved this steaming cup of Christmas tripe.

I'll leave it with this, the main character uttering the lines "I want that report on my desk by end of day today and I don't care if you have to work all night". Let that math sink in.

If you're a fan of vapid holiday drivel - where the saccharine machine of the Hallmark Channel churn out the same dull, predictable holly-jolly pablum you MAY enjoy this "film".

I'm betting the Christmas Tree Farm against it ...