1. |
Vacuum
02:38
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Vacuum sucking up dust and dirt
Vacuum sucking the sleeve of my shirt
You don't even know what I have been through in this life
You think I have no reason to complain
But you have no idea what getting vacuumed feels like
How can I begin to explain
Vacuum tube in my trachea now
Vacuumed until my intestines came out
You sit there in judgment while I get sucked away
I'm too sensitive or so you say
But you can't understand me unless you've been sucked this way
You could never last a single day
Vacuum I used to be such a mess
Till the vacuum sucked the rock out of my chest
You mop every droplet of my spattered residue
You've got nothing better left to do
You'll think back and miss me for love I gave to you
But I'm forever in this vacuum
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2. |
House Cat
02:18
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Hey, Old House Cat, sleeping on my lap
Hey, Old House Cat, wake up from your nap
Take your claws out of my knees
Because you're starting to seize
Because you've got a disease
Hey, Old House Cat, toothless, howling pet
Hey, Old House Cat, let's go to the vet
Come on
Behave, don't bite
Get in the crate, don't fight
It'll be okay, tonight
You won't feel a thing
Hey, Old House Cat, don't you cry for me
I've got a newborn kitten sitting on my knee
Hey, old pal, I can still hear you howl
But after you're disemboweled
You can go back to sleep
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3. |
Couch
02:56
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Spouses cuddling on their couch, that's where they watch TV
On an anthropomorphic couch, who softly speaks
It's a waste of time, it's a waste of time, it's a waste of time living with me
Only a waste of time, it's a waste of time, it's a waste of time, don't you agree
Spouses arguing on their couch, glass shards from their TV
Leave holes in their talking couch, who just repeats
It's a waste of time, it's a waste of time, it's a waste of time living with me
It's a waste of time, only a waste of time, it's a waste of time, don't you agree
Get off that couch! Get off the couch! Get off of the couch! Get off that couch! Get off that couch
Spouses eaten alive by their couch, along with their TV
All swallowed up and their couch now slurs its speech
It's a waste of time, it's been a waste of time
It's been a waste of time living with me
Only a waste of time, just a waste of your time
Only a waste of time, I know you'll agree
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4. |
Squatter
02:46
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Something about you has changed
Since I got home, you've acted strange
When I left for work in the morning, you waved
Now your whole body is shaved
You threw all your clothing away, rolled in the mud in the driveway
Spat on a neighbor and still haven't bathed
How can you treat me this way
I would kick you out if you weren't chained up to the gate
So I'm moving out because I need my personal space
And your frozen stare, it makes me feel unsafe
You lunged at the man from the bank, hurled your bedpan into his face
Crumpled the paper that gave 30 days, nobody's taking your place
You bludgeoned a skunk with a rake, tossed it around, gave it a shake
How much disturbance can one person make? How much can one neighborhood take
Here comes the crowd, those sleepless suburbans of hate
I can't help you now that I live in a whole other state
But I'll watch you through the crime broadcast at 8
They did not hesitate, I blinked an eye, you met your fate
From a picket fence post you were burned at the stake
And marched through the streets on parade
They marked it as a holiday, every year they celebrate
Memorial services commemorate the skunk and the man from the bank
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5. |
Profession
03:16
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I work nine to five in a beauty salon
New clients come see me, then they're gone
But I don't polish the nails, I don't comb ponytails
I don't profit from sales, I lick feet
My manager was angry at first
Now she's as satisfied as her customers
Tips bulge out of her bag
She holds my hair when I gag
And dabs my mouth with a rag when I lick feet
Get home late in the evening and sigh
Go back in the next day, who knows why
Work hard at my station and try
Lick feet until my drool runs dry
My spinal column is so misaligned
Because I'm kneeling down all of the time
My chiropractor advised I tell my boss I resign
but my request was denied
I lick feet
I know everybody just from their heel
Some have calluses and others are peeled
But they always treat me the same
They leave as fast as they came
They pat my head and exclaim
You lick feet
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6. |
Holy Sock
02:46
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I feel the hole in my sock, there when I walk
Over the rocks, off of the dock
Cold water shocks, my toe, it froze off
Through the hole in my sock
They found my toe in a box, washed up on the rocks
Broke open the locks and poked it a lot
Believe it or not, from out of the rot, my toe, it did talk
And said, oh, my God
Oh, my God
Toe, my God
Bring my Holy Sock back to me
Find that Holy Sock lost at sea
Some seagulls flew in a flock
Circled the box, lifted it off
Off of the rocks, over the dock
Over the sea, then let it drop
My toe dove down to the spot
Where it had thought I had been lost
And swam across kelp, algae, and moss
Until it got to the hole in my sock
And said, oh, thank God
Oh, thank God
It said oh, thank God you're still here
My toe and Holy Sock both let out cheers
And the ocean overflowed with salty tears
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7. |
Ceiling Fan
02:38
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I got in your van, upon your command
You bound my hands behind my back and gagged my mouth
What's it about? I can't understand
You dragged me through the sand, off to your land
Untied my blindfold to unveil your new ceiling fan
And you shared your elaborate plan
To spin me round from the fan on your ceiling
Spin me round and around above your head
Spin me round from the fan on the ceiling of your room
As you lay awake at night in your bed
I swung from a belt, covered in welts, hung like a drunken donkey
Hee-haw, somebody help
Where'd you get all these animal pelts
You said you bought them yourself with inherited wealth
If that's true, then why do all these animal pelts
Look a whole lot like myself
Spinning around from your fan, getting faster
Spinning round until your bedroom's just a blur
Spinning round while you filled up an inflatable pool with glue
Cut me down into it, then sprinkled me with fur
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
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8. |
In-Laws
02:50
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Mother-in-law
Empties out the compost
Onto her cashmere rug
Father-in-law
Wraps it around him
And welcomes us home with a hug
They host us tonight
They host brain parasites
I won't drink the water
Or play card games with them at night
Brother-in-law
Stumbles down the staircase
Head splits in two on the rail
Sister-in-law
Wipes with a dishrag
And wrings it out into a pail
They toast to his life
They toast up a slice
A flabby flesh sample
Washed down with more parasites
Family-in-law
Holding hands and chanting
Conjure ancestors-in-law
Ancestors-in-law
Spirits possess me
I speak as their late grandpa
His ghost inside
His ghost provides
A full-course home-cooked meal
Served to my in-laws with pride
And me, I just cried
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9. |
Snake
03:22
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In elementary school, our teacher brought in a snake
In the back of the classroom, there it sat in a tank
And the teacher had but one rule, don't touch the snake
You can press your face to the glass, but don't touch the snake
So I hid underneath my desk during recess break
And with trembling hands, I lifted the lid of the tank
With my index finger stretched out, I touched the snake
And it sank its fangs in my veins, then it escaped
And I said, oh, classroom snake, now you're gone and I've been turning blue
Classroom snake, I don't know what I'm supposed to do
When the school nurse examined my finger, she fainted quick
Swollen up to the size of my leg and twice as thick
And the wound looked just like a mouth, and it could hiss
It devoured the nurse like a mouse, that's what it did
Not a student in school was spared from my index snake
As it slithered around and ate everyone in its wake
Until the janitor came with an axe to amputate
Cut my finger off with a whack, saving the day
And I said, oh, index snake, I can't go to school because of you
Index snake, I have so much learning left to do
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10. |
Plastic Surgeon
02:12
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The Plastic Surgeon weeps at his desk, the Plastic Surgeon cries
His body so disfigured from its fight with passing time
His shriveled, shrunken features stretched out one too many times
The Plastic Surgeon keeps to himself, the Plastic Surgeon hides
His body cloaked in fabric, wrapped with gauze right up to his eyes
He tiptoes off his doorstep to buy more beauty supplies
Multiple bottles of skin cream, gallons of hair dye too
Stirs it around in a hot tub, soaks for a day or two
The Plastic Surgeon sits in the sun, the Plastic Surgeon dries
His body baked and blistered, burnt by cloudless, sun-streaked skies
Odors from those moisturizers steal his air supply
The Plastic Surgeon clutches his chest, the Plastic Surgeon dies
His body tanned to golden on the grass from which it shines
His withered, weathered, wrinkled form will outlast yours and mine
For all time
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11. |
Island
02:26
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We were afloat, on a boat, in an ocean so blue
Now on an island, all alone
And it's all because of you
Waving at planes, once again
They don't notice us too
My little rib cage is poking out
And it's all because of you
I can't take the blame
For the cannibal that I must become
You're the one who's to blame
Looking so round, juicy, and plump
Like a plum
Kindling flames on the log, how we used to barbecue
I will be feasting like a king
And it's all because of you
Where should I start? With the heart
That's the hardest part to chew
Guilty and bloated, full of love
And it's all because of you
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12. |
Dirty Old Man
03:06
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Dirty old man, dirty old man
Take your hand off of me
You're nothing but a dirty old man
Just another dirty old man
Like any other dirty old man
You're just like me
Crouching in the bushes of a local city park
Strangling the doggies by their leashes after dark
Dirty old man, I'm a filthy old man
A lonely, pale, and sickly old man
Down on his knees
The world is full of dirty old men
It's overrun by dirty old men
The sewer's filled with dirty old men
Under the streets
Open any manhole cover, you will find us there
Gargling your bathwater and gnawing strands of hair
Dirty old man, wake up and smell the dirty old man
You're living in the dirty old land, land of the free
But I don't wanna be a dirty old man
Never asked to be a dirty old man
Someone spray me with an aerosol can and make me clean
I wanna be clean
I wanna be clean
I wanna be clean
I wanna be clean
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13. |
Babysitter
02:28
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Our babysitter says she loves us
She feeds us peanuts from her hand
Our babysitter lets us stay up late each night
Duct taped up in the pantry with the cans
Our babysitter throws great parties
Our kitchen's trashed by all her friends
Our babysitter taught us tricks to do for them
We perform, then it's back to the pantry again
Just wait till our folks come home
See what we've become
Wait until our folks get home
Wait till they get back home
Our babysitter's friends were dancing
When three old neighbors burst inside
Retirees all armed with rifles by their sides
Shots rang out and multiple people died
Our babysitter kept both eyes closed
Smeared others' blood across her clothes
Our babysitter waited till those neighbors left
Where she's gone to now, I guess we'll never know
Just wait till our folks come home
See what we've become
Wait until our folks get home
Wait till they get back home
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14. |
Oven
02:42
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Throbbing migraine, I don't know where it's from
But when I turn my oven on, something's in the air
Strange aroma, I no longer smell. I can't even tell, something's in the air
Somebody knocked, from the gas company. But my door was locked, cause I'd gone to sleep
Broken window, some teenagers threw a stone. My numbskull just ignored it though. Something's in the air
Saw a possum, nibbling at my heel. It's nothing I can feel. There's something in the air
Bumbling bees, keep stinging me. Just leave them be. Don't disturb my peace
No more headaches, no more nosy creeps. No more friends or relatives, just something in the air
Through the window, a smoldering brown paper bag
Sets my whole household ablaze, with something in the air
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15. |
Garden Gnomes
02:24
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Meet my garden gnomes
Meet my garden gnomes
You don't know me and they don't know you
So meet my garden gnomes
They're small and made of stone
Small and made of stone
When I throw one at you, it'll break some bones
Cause they're small but made of stone
Sprinkler heads and vegetable beds adorn my happy home
Show some respect for one who collects these concrete garden gnomes
Then you can
See them guard my home
See them guard my home
When they get thrown at you, why don't you just go
Can't you see them guard my home
Leave this yard alone
Leave this yard alone
You're all out of teeth, and I'm all out of gnomes
So leave this yard alone
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16. |
Chalk
02:24
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Chalk on the asphalt under me, traced around every square inch of my face-down physique
Cops, with their bloodhounds, sniffed my jeans, found a small crystal ball, though they don't know what it means
I'm in the future now, alive as can be, and for my demise I'm guilty
I'm in the future now, I've joined the police, and they'll never know it was me
Clock in the kitchen takes me back to the past, where I first cloned myself in science class
Watch on a slit wrist ticking fast, counting down to the last living breath my clone will have
I'm in the future now, with blood on my hands, the uncle I framed takes the stand
I'm in the future now, I'm a policeman, and they'll never understand that it's not who I am
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17. |
Microphone
03:18
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Microphone in the wall
Camera stuffed in a doll
Someone's watching it all
I'm curled up in a ball
Handcuffed up to my crib
Spit up covers my bib
Blankets bruising my rib
They take me for a kid
An entertaining kid
Who cries before their dry unblinking eyelids
And I'll scream until my hair falls out
Scream until my hair falls out
Scream until my hair falls out
But it won't change a thing
Diaper filled to the brim
Flatscreen monitor dim
Shows my own frail limbs
So bloodless, pale, and thin
Milky bottle of gin
Tucks me right back in
Makes that mobile spin
Till I break down again
Then my imaginary friend
Reminds me it's only good old fashioned entertainment
And I'll scream until my hair falls out
Scream until my hair falls out
Scream until my hair falls out
But it won't change a thing
I'll scream until my hair falls out
Scream until my hair falls out
Scream until my hair falls out
But they just want me to sing
So I sing
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18. |
Cry
02:44
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Stick my pinky finger down the sink and pull some hair out of the drain
Sew it to my scalp and walk around pretending I can't feel the pain
Maybe someone sees and tries to take my wig from me
Maybe I retaliate and knock out all their teeth
Maybe then I'll make a pair of dentures from the teeth
Or maybe I'll sit here and cry
Balance on my head and tell my roommates that the carpet is my hair
Until they pull the floorboards out from under me and leave my carpet bare
Maybe when my furniture is taken from the street
Maybe I will have to sleep inside a garbage heap
Maybe there I'll finally find something good to eat
Or maybe I'll sit here and cry
Rest my broken elbows on a chimney of some factory for shoes
Clouds of rubber smoke extract my brain cells with nothing left to lose
Maybe when I throw myself from the building's edge
Maybe there's a trampoline beneath the curbside hedge
Maybe I bounce back and break my neck upon the ledge
Or maybe I'll sit here and cry
Cry
Cry
Everybody cries
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