1. |
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Adrianne sent me a picture
A white sheet in the sun on the water
It looks like what it feels like
Touching myself in the summer
After what my body’s been through
I shouldn’t know pleasure, but I do
I know it when I look at you
There’s a part of me that was never injured
Angela held my face
She said there’s something in me they didn’t take
Like a white circle on a white page
Look close enough and I’ll remember
The part of me that was never injured
A white sheet in the sun on the water
A white circle on a white page
Look close enough and I’ll remember
The part of me that was never injured
There’s a part of me that was never injured
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2. |
Dad Song
03:28
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Sometimes you text me your favorite lyrics of mine
The first thing that I do is smile
The second is check the time
Cause if it’s late then you’ve been drinking
If you’ve been drinking you tell the truth
No I don’t get angry
I’ll take what I can get from you
Don’t wait for me to sing it
Just ask me what you want to know
God I’m such a hypocrite
Writing this instead of picking up the phone
Recently you told me that you kept a diary
You found a gap from ‘96 to 2015
The year I was born to the year I left the house
If you could go back, what would you have written about?
Don’t let me get you all wrong
Just show me who you really are
Do you know who that is?
Maybe you do, but if you don’t then it’s not too late to start
I finally called you after Kelly’s dad got diagnosed
Through my tears I told you that I wanna be close
I could barely choke it out, asking if you want that too
You said “Honey I’d get on a plane right now if you asked me to”
Don’t wait till he’s a memory
Just go to Florida, have some fun
Football on the tv, talk until we fall asleep
He’s my number one
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3. |
Thin Again
01:57
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I am waiting to get thin again
For my hair to grow
I am waiting to get thin again
It is all I know
I’ve been wasting my intelligence
And my precious time
I’ve been wasting my intelligence
For my whole life
It’s as easy as breathing
Wanting to be different
I wanted to be above it
But I’m just not
So I’m waiting to stop waiting
To get thin again
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4. |
Matter to You
02:33
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So she went and rounded up everybody
I picked her favorite song, she sang along
And it felt wrong
I know she’s in love with somebody
I know I’m in love with somebody
But when we laugh, we lean in close
Act like it’s harmless, but when I go
All I want is you to notice when I leave the room
All I want is to matter to you
I called when I got home, I was still drunk
You heard it as soon as you picked up
Sitting in silence just for a moment
Knowing I fucked up
I know I know, you don’t have to tell me
I’m sorry I’m so embarrassing
Every stupid thing I do happens when I’m missing you
All I want is you to notice when I leave the room
All I want is to matter to you
I can’t believe I’ve never said this
I can’t believe it isn’t obvious
I don’t want anyone but you
All I want is to matter to you
All I want is to matter to you
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5. |
My First House
03:32
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Breaking down driving through the streets that lead to my first house
Knocking on the front door “do you mind if I come in?
This is the house I grew up in”
He looked about 18
Smiled said “come take a look around”
Standing in the kitchen knocked the wind out of me
Swear that i could hear little pairs of bare feet
Tapping on the tile
Tugging at her dress
It looks just like the one i’m wearing now
I wanna recognize myself
Making our way down the hall the playroom is an office now
The corner with the chair where I would color in the lines
The tree where i would sing
Isn’t standing anymore
They took out the tub where I was born
Walking back to the door I turned to thank him with a smile
He says maybe he’ll be coming here in 20 years
Knocking on the door
Back at his first house
To ask if he can take a look around
I held back tears and let myself out
I wanna recognize myself
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6. |
Kissing In Public
03:18
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I finished my gay show
I wanna call you
You’re my person
Come home and touch me
I wanna know that we still got it
I already do but I dare you to prove it
Do you remember summer in Boston
Getting high on kissing in public
Like in my gay show
Young and euphoric
You want everyone to know it
Thank god we were stupid enough to do the things we did
Cause when I look back to the good old days
It’s you I did ‘em with
I finished my gay book
I wanna read you
Damn that’s kinda true
If someone wrote down
The way you look at me, what you say to me
And I read it, I’d be obsessed with you
I’m so obsessed with you
It’s embarrassing
I don’t want anybody noticing
Thank god we are stupid enough to do the things we do
Cause when I look back to the good old days
I’ll be looking back with you
Sometimes I wake up while you’re sleeping
And I picture what you’re dreaming
Is it us at 20 thinking it’s romantic to be scared
Laughing our way through a new city
We’re still drinking we’re still skinny
When you wake up and look around
I hope you’re not disappointed
I know I’m not disappointed
Thank god we were stupid enough to do the things we did
Cause when I look back to the good old days
It’s you I did ‘em with
When I look back to the good old days
It’s you I did ‘em with
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7. |
Pink
03:35
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I text you to tell you I want you to stay alive
Picturing guns in a gay club and you on the inside
Pretty pink scars beneath your sternum
The first man to make me cum, you held me
Swirled your brand new chest hair, stared at the wall
And the hole that you punched in it when you got the call
Dad was kicking you out on the street
Sleeping in your car in the Florida heat
I could’ve killed him
Now you go to soccer games
And you drink beer in the bleachers
Now you have the same jaw line
In pictures
Put it all behind you to be close
Hold up a camera strike a pose
You’re always the bigger person
And it makes me wanna kill
Cause you’re the only real man in my life
And when I think of you, I just think of light
And the least interesting thing about you is your gender
I wish everyone could know you
Cause then they’d know better
I didn’t know till now I loved you big
Friends don’t look at each other like we did
I understand all the space now
Take it all and take it proud
I’m glad you found your person
Go be loved well, you deserve it
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8. |
I Did Everything Myself
02:30
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I can’t do anything by myself cause I did everything by myself until you
I can’t do anything for myself cause I did everything for myself until you
On the floor with my hands on my hips, there it is
Trace it back, happy kid, dead inside, there it is
In my hips, all my friends who don’t talk to me now
Cause I did what I always do
What I always do
I can’t do anything for myself cause I did everything by myself until you
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9. |
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I didn’t think this would work
I was banking on us struggling forever
I’m not proud of it, but I think I liked it
When all we had was each other
Back in our studio apartment
When we only worked just enough to make rent
Eat beans and rice, drink wine with ice
And waste away the hours
Now I’m on the west coast, you’re in Spain
And when I call you you’re on stage
Touch myself in a cheap hotel
And fall asleep watching Grey’s
We’re growing up, we’re not unique
The honeymoon can only last so long
I’m making friends, I’m living my dream
But doing it without you just feels wrong
So I close my eyes and picture you laughing
Wherever you are
And suddenly I don’t feel so alone
Write everything down, don’t leave anything out
I wanna hear it all when we get home
I didn’t think this would work
I was banking on us struggling forever
I’m not proud of it, but I think I liked it
When all we had was each other
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10. |
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The first song that I learned on my Fender acoustic
Colbie Calliat, holy shit this is music
I made it, I made something good with my hands
My teacher said “Olivia yes, you’re doing it”
Now she is dead, my birthday’s this week
I wonder if either of us are proud of me
Everything got all fucked up after college
Shut up I know that this isn’t forever
I love you just for trying
I love you just for trying
Florida you’re beautiful, that’s what I’ll do
Move in with Granna and eat tuna salad
Granna she loves me, yeah I know she has to
But I think she likes me, like really enjoys me
I love to be liked, I love to be heard
It’s my drug of choice, the gateway was the Fender
Oh you sweet baby don’t take it so far
Nothing is ever one thing or the other
I love you just for trying
I love you just for trying
I love you just for trying
I love you just for trying
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11. |
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We get naked, get freaky
Take out and a movie
Make out, make up songs all day long
Saying things that feel good to say
Playing things that feel good to play
Hand through the sunroof tear down my face
Last night sucked I hate when we fight
Woke up patched it up, it’s alright
Thank you love you all better
Thank god it’s finally spring
Windows down, Carole King
I teach you to talk
You teach me to stop talking
Do you wanna take the dog to the park
Come home get in bed before dark
Role play the summer night we fell in love
22 playing pool smoking pot
You whisper “baby take the last shot,
Make me a big loser or a big winner”
Saying things that feel good to say
Playing things that feel good to play
Thank you love you all better
Thank you love you all better
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12. |
The Hardest Thing
04:40
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I’m not talking to my family
I don’t feel like getting into why
It was just time
Time to find out who I might be
If I pulled the curtain on the fairy tale
I thought for sure that if I ran you’d chase me
But I guess that ship has sailed
What am I waiting for
I’m not a child anymore
This is gonna be the hardest thing I’ll ever do
But by the end I’ll believe it when you say “I love you”
We’ll finally find the words
But the truth can’t travel backwards
No the past will never change
That’s gonna have to be ok
Sometimes I think I’m capable of violence
Like if I started screaming I may never stop
Cut through the chaos
And if I ever managed to get your attention
I’m not even sure exactly what I’d say
I just want you to want to listen
I guess it doesn’t work that way
What am I waiting for
I’m not a child anymore
This is gonna be the hardest thing I’ll ever do
But by the end I’ll believe it when you say “I love you”
We’ll finally find the words
But the truth can’t travel backwards
No the past will never change
That’s gonna have to be ok
And it is, but it wasn’t
Till I took the time to see
You were dealing with your own shit
And it wasn’t about me
But if I forgive you, will you forget how hurt I am
Cause I still want you to fix it
Knowing full well I’m the only one who can
And it’ll be the hardest thing I’ll ever do
But by the end I’ll believe it when you say “I love you”
We’ll finally find the words
But the truth can’t travel backwards
No the past will never change
That’s gonna have to be ok
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