this will control you

im not in control you wake you breathe you blink you see you move your feet you breathe you leave you hurt you cry you curse you lie you breathe you smile you lie down to close your eyes you sleep you dream of me i want boo did i scare you? its only the ghost of your favorite writer of your least favorite songs back from the dead same bad schtick new arragements its a cheap pastiche im a comic con if its not too much to ask ive made a little list with just a few things i want to make you laugh i want to make you cry i want to make you dance i want to make you sing along with me i want to grab you by the neck i want to pierce your ears with my tongue i want to shout fire i want to blow smoke in your lungs lets make this fun and play a game where you run and you hide and at the end of the album ill find you like i always do and then lets have a good time if it hurts its a part of it you know better than anyone it takes a sharp edge to cut up a rug just trust me take my hand i can lead been practicing the steps i wont miss a beat i know its an elaborate scheme but if it works its worth it to me i want to show you that im in control

i think that i lost it ive lost control of the plane all that time i thought nobody knew im as bad as you say i guess its hard to ignor my fingerprints on your pain ive tried everything i could except accept the blame its time to own up quit playing games and act like a grown-up the one person you love never ever wants to see you again please me you let it control you take a look in the mirror youre no angel or saint youre the thief who stole everything from you just like you always do im the thief and the fool who stole and misplaced you memorized all of my mistakes never learned a thing throw the book at me i will serve my sentence draw as much blood as you need to wipe the ledger clean from where we are to what we were nothing feels absurd anymore is it strange that we wound up being strangers? after all the dominoes god set up to bend the universe for the two of us to meet if you hear he has gone crazy just roll those pretty eyes and say "he has always been that way" ive created a mess of our love but ill be the one to fix it after all i recall how all of it was made when i hear that you are with my better version and happier than i ever achieved i might lose my mind it might take some years but in the end ill be glad for you as if that person were me

that was the easy part expose myself and then call it "art" i am not where i ought to be by now you called my bluff la la la i could save so much time by changing my life singing "la la la" instead of bullshit lines but i dont want to do that yet im not ready to clean up my mess id rather just report what i keep doing i take fake blame break then apologize im sorry for the ways that i am im just a man with a childs curious mind or whatever "manchild" meant a vain hate-filled cis-het tapeworm taking little bites of your hear like its grapefruit im the "man" in manic bipolar im the "gem" in gemini i wear a long trenchcoat with a whole polycule underneath i had a dream that you were fucking all my friends and just to be clear i didnt like it but i woke up with the strangest erection it was kind of nice seeing you all get along and then I googled you like i do to see if you had been in an accident and to my surprise youd won the presidential election so it seems you rule the free world now but ive always lived in your america pardon me your majesty and ill write our new national anthem oh god save our queen may her reign never cease make me the first first husband in history if it pleases you you can control me whether through my seed directly or cuckoldry or surrogacy we could fill the glove with all your offspring cant you tell? im ready to be a father coach put me in im ready to raise your dynasty let me tast everything you fear is poisoned just give me a collar ill protect you like a dog and when our sons and daughters finally come with sharpened pitchforks and loaded guns i swear ill be the last one guarding your throne i hope youll see me for what i am not the sins i committed so long ago if patricide it is then i count myself lucky to be surrounded by family as i give up the ghost with my final breath ill say "i love you" one more time then its off with your head

every song i sing is not for you is not for me is not for her is not for god in the end its another song thats been sung but ill write them all on paper incase they never get heard then ill take a giant stapler and pin them all around the world you can memorize every verse melody doesnt matter just repeat the exact words when shes within earshot because someone has to save her and ive never been a savior i take everything i came for and leave like a thief in the night (you take what you came for you came back to claim more you cant get enough of writing the same album you dirty little slut fuck up bitch soft boy) so nows the time to rehearse you can practice in the mirror just try to show no fear when you see her pretty eyes I may look like im alright but ive looked the same way for a long time i still remember her gaze but cant recall when i turned to stone

it could be so much worse for you imagine if i was a good musician could you fathom a life where i was young and handsome won a baddie scored a grammy and laughed with jimmy fallon about the album i made for you we should thank our lucky stars that i was born with no mass-marked appeal things are bad but they get much worse from here just give it a few more years i will have a cult following pop up on the internet in 2035 i will be revered by incel weirdos who claim i made my shit ahead of the times they will show their friends but their friends wont get it this kind of niche aint for the faint of heart but thats art they will think its so romantic i made this just for you to tear apart hey notice me notice me help me make her rue the day inside every boy with a daw is the next jack antonoff and this little piggies ready to pop i will *be very gentle kind and respectful toward* margaret qualley and then for shits and giggles buy a diamond ring you can meet my friends at the wedding reception sabrina lana lorde and st vincent i will produce a thousand taylor swift albums ill make taylor sound like please me and if that doesnt do it if that wont control you ill try to be a better version of me whats a better version of me? and are there really versions of me? if there are versions show me the versions id like to analyze all the versions of me that are happier than this version of me

i was happy when i went on walks with you no expectations no control from the ground i followed where you flew we were thinking about the future and the past we had nothing better to do you were searching for the answers to the questions i hadn't a clue but you found your reason to keep meeting and walk with me into the new ive got a therapist to thank or blame got me believing i was improving but you saw in me what i could not perceive i was regressing there was nothing to do but you did you threw me the end of your rope tried to pull me up but halfway to the top i let go i dont know what it is about the bottomless pit but it feels like a scary height when youre nearly out of it i fell far and yet further i go burrowed in the wounded animal feels safe in a hole i dont notice the difference between me and my symptoms its not stockholm syndrome i hate the place i call home so dont let me down dont leave me high find the middle ground and hold on tight last call did i miss my chance? dont tell me the cans and the cants is it too late to ask you to dance?

i want you to beg little miss masochist wants me to beg wants me to bleed what i havent bled wants dirt on my knees palms and forehead wants me desperate pathetic but not quite hopeless not yet she thinks this is hard for me humbly planting my face on the deck this is what i learned to expect pity from her? thats a stretch best i could possibly get is a step in the vague direction of indifference but let it be said for all she lacked she never lacked a lack of respect easily the worlds prettiest contradiction says she wants honesty wont take me serious hates when its real stuff prefers my fictions both of us had blindspots and weaknesses but guess who was allowed to point them out if angers what ive got then she has some furious but if she cries before i cry look who is the piece of shit i just learned to multitask now im curious is she even hearing this? says that she loves me says that she wants me yet every beautiful strangers her entree and im the laundry thrifted to pawn me how could i fault her? isnt she polly? check my math please take all the care that she gave me divide it by three what is left hardly sustains a fling what does it mean? it leaves us with two possibilities both of them tragedies either the love we had was real but nothing was working or one of us said i love you through their teeth it wasnt me thats just your mantra easy to say harder to dance when it aint to the beat of your own drum so listen along the albums for you but this one is my song for now the sandbox only has room for one when the name of the game is playing god in the grand scheme of history i was merely a sidequest a trial run of a different fashion sense but i took my radar blip and you know what i did? i fucked it up i made a mess now im permanent now i have reason to live now im the source of her problems now she can point to where her new life began now im her mother now im her dad now she wants me to beg is it over? i would like for it to be done when its over would you like to get pho? i just got the hint i said way too much now its your turn go on and say way too much i will listen i will nod along such a convoluted way to ask you to lunch but i havent listened enough first i should clear one thing up its true i took that deal with god under one condition he gave me a gift said i can make you anything but i cant control you i never could it was always you but i just checked the fine print it says right here i can still beg so i beg be kind to you forgive yourself if nothing else be kind im begging you have patience with her be sweet to that girl i adore adore her too i beg she deserves so much more and as for me theres a recipe by the stove i beg follow the directions through and through burner on drop me in a pan get all of complexity simmering boil me down reduce me to a syrup of what i am now lets make a confection of me whip me up toss me in the oven i will rise again with sweetness or pour me down the drain if im too much of a mess you know best wash your hands and be clean of this boil me down until im not even human whatever is left in the pan is whatever i am or toss me out if im too much of a mess thanks youre the best ill take the blame and we will both be clean of this