Projects By Jane - The End

This is the last part of a very long story. Is it still 2012?

You have to read The Beginning, The Day My Life Begins and Two Angels in order for this post to make sense. Seriously I don't even remember how I got into telling this story! Here goes.....

My first outing selling my bags did not just bring me success in terms of sales. The adrenalin, the exhilaration, the serotonin rushing through me made me almost pain free. What little ache I had was tolerable. I was still on full medication.

I started making more bags and going to sell at MAAD regularly and later on I ventured out to other venues. Some were successful but some weren't. My life became pretty normal again. But I longed to be free from my medication. As I became more and more busy with sewing, I wanted more and more time to sew. The medication made me sleepy and I had to take naps everyday. A nap could easily last up to 4 hours. If I force myself to skip my naps, the next day I would end up napping up to 6, 8 hours. Some days I wake up and it's night time! It was a complete waste of time.

Sometime in 2009, with the doctor's and SY's preparation, I went on a weaning off meds schedule. SY had a session with me to help me deal with the pain that may or may not come. First to go was the anti-depressant. Next was the nerves pills. Everything went well for a couple of weeks. And just as it happened the first time I stopped the medication, all the pain came crashing back. The stupid thing was, I kept holding on. I did not go back to the medication. I was so stubborn and endured the pain. This time the pain was like a tsunami. Each cycle started from my shoulder blades and swept up towards my neck. It almost felt like my head would snap off. It was such excruciating pain. By the time I caved in and took the medication a month later, the deep pains had come back. That meant I had to recover from them again.

I went to Dr Tay to get the injections. Dr Tay and SY weren't discouraged. They only wanted to find out what went wrong and get it right the next time.

I finally enrolled in a pilates class as pilates is known to help people with my condition. It was extremely hard to find a pilates class where I lived. I signed a 1 year contract with a gym to attend the pilates class. The class wasn't very good. But I did pick up a number of exercises which helped with my CORE.

By chance I saw there was a pilates class at a community club near my home and enrolled. The instructor was much better than the one at the gym and in total I attend 12 lessons. Her exercises were much more suited to my condition and I found that my CORE became even stronger. She also corrected my posture and I believe I am less hunched back now. Unfortunately, this instructor stopped her classes due to some complications.

A turning point for me came when I went to see my gynecologist. I told him my sad story (so many people had to listen to my sad story including you readers) and of course he had suffered similar pains although not as serious as mine. He immediately got on the reclining chair and showed me an exercise he said would help me recover. It was a simple neck exercise but I had never been taught this before. It is very strange but true. I went home and did this simple neck exercise every day and within 2 weeks I did find my neck getting stronger.

At the end of 2009, I made plans to stop the medication again. I just wasn't going to give up. I have been hiding something from you. One of the big motivation for me stopping the meds was it made me put on a ton of weight. I didn't want to keep on getting fat. This time I decided to do the opposite of what I had been doing. Previously I chose school holidays to stop the meds. I thought it was better because I needn't take the kids to school and monitor their homework. I felt that having a daily routine to adhere to was a better bet for me.

Once more Dr Tay and SY helped me prepare for it. This time they told me to take the meds quickly if the pain came back. In Jan 2010, I stopped my meds. I caved in after 10 days. I really felt like it was the lowest point of my life. I had to depend on the meds for life.

Around this time, a lower dosage of the nerves meds became available. This was good news as I could get my body accustomed to a lower dosage first. Dr Tay suggested I try it.

I remember this 2nd last session with SY and I'll be honest. I was a little disillusioned with her. It was a strange session because I was distant and not very cooperative. Before I left, she asked me this question:

What I would do the next time I felt frustrated or stressed?

I was quite stubborn and said I had no idea, nothing worked.

SY said: I want you to just get up.
And? I challenged.
Just get up and walk somewhere, do something.
Walk where? I asked.
Walk to the end of the room.
And then? I wanted to know.
Figure it out as you go along. Just get up.

So, SY's brilliant parting advice was to get up and figure what to do next as you go along.
I thought it was the most ridiculous piece of advice I had ever been given!

In March 2010, I woke up one day and decided not to take my anti depressants anymore. One week later, I decided I would not take my nerves meds as well. Yes, history did repeat itself. I felt the pain stirring again. It really frustrated me. Then I REMEMBERED SY's advice. I got up and yes, I seriously walked to the end of the room. I reached the door. I turned around and walked to the other end of the room. Then I noticed something I had been looking for and I tided up a little and then I went and did something else. And every time I felt the pain stirring, I just walked somewhere and did something.

One day I was out with the family when hubs suddenly asked me if I was still on medication. I told him no and then it hit me. I had been off meds for 2 whole months and the big pains did not come back. I tried not to have high expectations and busied myself with my sewing.

Now

♥ It's been 2 years 2 months since I stopped my medication.
♥ I no longer attend the Pain Clinic.
♥ Most days I have no pain. But I still have myofascial pain. I know now I will never be completely rid of it. It was very hard to accept. It pays little visits from time to time. I beat it off with a big broom.
♥ I do the exercises when I feel achy.
♥ A few times, the pains stayed a bit too long. It scared me but I eventually got rid of the pain without medication.
♥ I no longer have those crazy ceiling nightmares.
♥ Stress is still my biggest pain trigger.
♥ If you see me getting up and walking to the end of the room, it's just therapy.
♥ I no longer go for Pilates. I should. I will.
♥ And I still take the occasional nap. 

Myofascial pain left its mark. I can no longer do these

♠ Tilt my head up for long. This means I can't clean the ceiling, the windows or paint my home. I think I can live with that.
♠ Lift both my arms in the air for long. This means I can't hang too many batches of laundry, clean the ceiling, the windows or paint my home. I think I can live with that.
♠ Dance in twirls or swirls. Too much neck rotation is to be avoided. I'll just boogie.
♠ Scrub the floor for too long. Too much stress on the shoulder blade is to be avoided. I think I can live with less housework. 
♠ Carry heavy objects, grocery bags or move furniture. I can certainly live with that.

I used to think that myofascial pain robbed me of 2 1/2 years of my life. I have gone past that now. Of course I wished it never happened. But it did and I am grateful I overcame it. When it first happened, I felt so utterly alone and hopeless. The right people helped me and I honestly can't even express my gratitude in words. All I can say is they saved me. My poor family - hubs and the kids but especially hubs - they lived through the pain.

There is nothing brave about how I overcame my illness. In fact I can assure you I possess the appropriate cowardly traits. Everything I did was just human instinct to survive.

I wish I could say this pain made me a better person like in the movies where there is a happy ending. Nothing of that sort happened. This is real life. I'm still the same pain-in-the-ass person I was before. I still have bad habits and don't do everything that's right for my body. But I did learn one big lesson.

One day and I think it was during one of my most difficult pain episodes, hubs became very angry with me over something and he told me:

You did this to yourself.

When I first heard what he said I was very angry and couldn't believe it. I felt totally abandoned and alone. I went into this very bitter stage where I blamed him for every single bad thing that happened to me. I had all these revenge scenarios in my head. I wanted to inflict pain on him.

Later I thought about it and hard as it was, I agree with hubs. I did do it to myself. Myofascial pain doesn't just happen to you by accident. The person I was, the way I lived my life, my way of thinking, my stubbornness, my harbouring of grudges, my inability to be forgiving, the way I sat, the way I walked, the way I dealt with people, stress, situations, my carelessness when I overdid heavy moving, obsessive cleaning  - all these led me to the pain. I am responsible for me.

This is a big lesson for me. I have changed myself in as many ways as I possibly can. This is one of the goals SY had for me. Change yourself and not others because you have control over yourself. It is an on-going process and I continually adjust my way of thinking, behaviour and expectations so "I never do it to myself" again.

Do I fear the tsunami pain coming back? Yes. Do I fear I won't be able to overcome it? Yes. My fear keeps me on my toes.

Thank you for reading my long story.

Dare you to move

Dare you to lift yourself up off the floor

Dare you to move

Dare you to move

Like today never happened

                                                                                            Jon Foreman

The End.

Projects By Jane - Two Angels

You have to read Projects By Jane - The Beginning and The Day My Life Begins for this post to make sense.

The hospital's Pain Unit was in reality a borrowed consultation room with borrowed furniture. Much later, it was given a permanent room with nice furniture. The first time I saw Dr Tay, I broke down in tears. The bwaaaah with big heaving sobs and mucous kind. Totally embarrassing. It was the 2nd time I cried in front of strangers as an adult.

Dr Tay was nice, patient and kind. He was also open to different kinds of treatment. When I saw him, I was on 2 kinds of medication - mood and nerves which I took at night. However, even with the medication, I was still plagued with deep muscle pains. Dr Tay suggested injecting into the deep muscles. I think he used saline or something harmless. We agreed to inject into only 5 specific spots. The injection would only cause some mild discomfort and numbness for a short while. Shortly after the injections, I felt needles and pins all over my body. I could not speak and could only cry. Pain travelled everywhere. Like mother freaking pain. Not just my muscles but every part of my body. I kept thinking what had I done? Then my body kept shaking and I really thought I was going to die. To his credit, Dr Tay did not panic. He monitored me and eventually the pain went away and I went home traumatised.

I went back to the Pain Unit a couple of days later to see the psychologist SY. Dr Tay sent a doctor who had sat in on the session to check on me. To their surprise, I told them I was a 100 times better since the injection. Apparently after the pain and trauma wore off, I felt fantastic! The injection managed to reach the deep deep pain I could never get rid of.

Subsequently I would go back to Dr Tay for injections. But he was always careful never to give me more than 2 at one go. I never experienced the crazy reactions like the first time again.

My first session with SY was quite weird. It was the first time I saw a psychologist. She asked me to answer this question: Who is Jane?

Who is Jane? Like wtf!

I thought I was wasting my time. But I humoured her and for my homework, I had to answer this question: What does Jane want?

The next session I gave the answer: Jane wants to be successful. This turned out to be an important question! My bag making at that time was an area I was yet to be considered successful. I dove into it like a mad woman. I became obsessed with finding ways to make zip pouches without showing the raw edges.

In the first quarter of 2008, I made my breakthrough in sewing zippers. I produced a few tutorials to share. In those days, the idea of selling was never on my mind!!!

Meet Fully Lined Boxy Pouch. I did not come up with the concept of the boxy pouch but I wanted to make it without any raw seams. I referenced a couple of tutes, played around with it and one day I got it. This was my first tutorial and my first major success in "figuring the bags out".

SY had asked me to keep a diary so I could figure what my pain triggers were. I discovered that when I became engrossed in my bag-making, I was virtually pain-free.

If only I could simply make bags and never feel pain again. But you know life is never as simple as that. I had pain triggers which I could not wish away and I had to learn to deal with them. I had my daily dealings with my family and then there was my MIL who turned out to be a major pain trigger.

One of the problems with pain was at night I would have nightmares. Very weird ones like me looking up at the glass ceiling all night searching for my son or me cleaning the ceiling with a long brush. Often I would wake up and find myself jerking my neck or arm and this made my muscles problem worse. Obviously, I had very huge psychological problems which had not yet been fixed.

I wasn't like a messed up person or anything. But I had a lot of resentment and anger and frustration. I was trapped in this vicious cycle of encountering the same problems and reacting the same way over and over. That plus the tendency to keep the frustrations bottled up and blaming others.

SY suggested I modify my behaviour to tackle my frustrations with the people around me.

Pain makes you selfish. I wanted people around me to change their behaviour. At home I had become unreasonable. I wanted the kids to be quiet when I did not feel good. I wanted things to go well all the time. I did not want to listen to problems or have to make difficult decisions. One day hubs gave me a talking to. He said everyone was supportive of me with my problems especially him. But he was tired of always having to make sure nothing upset me. I think he cried a little.

That really made me ashamed. I went back to SY and I decided I would modify my behaviour. I won't go into specifics about how I modified my behaviour. It was really just as simple as changing my mannerism, my expectations, my way of dealing with unpleasant situations, letting others have their way some times, not always insisting on my way. It wasn't easy but somehow I did it.

I told SY about my bag making and the desire to sell my creations. (I had way too many items lying around) She was very encouraging and one day I googled and found MAAD, a market for Singapore craft. One day I daringly submitted a few photos of my wares. I was sure I would be rejected. It was a ridiculous idea.

This was one of the photos of my pouches I submitted. So embarrassing! I simply lay everything on the table and snapped. To my surprise I was ALLOWED to sell at MAAD. I booked a slot, sent a cheque and then told hubs about it. Hubs was surprisingly not pleased about it. Later I realised he hated being surprised. He was mostly upset I did not check the place out first. Fortunately, there was a MAAD in session and he said we had to at least go take a look. So all of us went and it seemed okay. We did not stay long because we were really shy.

In April 2009, I went alone to MAAD with my bags and pouches. I was terrified out of my mind.

I am not kidding. This was my table display for my first MAAD - the first time I ventured out of my home with the bags and pouches I had made - to SELL for money, real Singapore dollars. The audacity! I actually thought it was helpful to label all the items I sold. I was so innocent. Aw. You can read my FIRST POST-MORTEM here.

My family came both days so I would not feel alone. Man, my kids were so little then.

I sold 13 bags/pouches over 2 days and called it a success. I seriously believed I would not be able to sell a single item. It was mind blowing. It was the most exciting thing I had ever done in my life. It changed my life FOREVER.

Jane wanted to be successful!

It's my life, it's now or never

I ain't gonna live forever

I just want to live while I'm alive

                                                                                                            Bon Jovi

to be continued (final part)

Projects By Jane - The day my life begins

If you have not read Projects By Jane - The Beginning, this post won't make sense. If you're here for my bags' journey, come back in a week!

Where I left you guys hanging, I saw a new doctor, Dr Lee who is a pain specialist.

Speaking of hanging, I'm suddenly remembering that my orthopedic doctor did not leave me hanging. Although he could not diagnose me until after the tests, he arranged for me to get weekly acupuncture and physiotherapy treatment at the hospital. Maybe I wanted to forget these sessions because they were very painful and utterly useless. The relief from each acupuncture session worked only for 3 days. One day the acupuncturist who is a qualified doctor from China told me it was useless for me to continue. I was ready to quit anyway. The sessions were painful - having needles stuck all over your neck and shoulders for half an hour is not easy. But the reason I wanted to quit was I no longer felt any relief. The physiotherapy sessions were worse. It started with a hot pad over my shoulder. I hated it. The heat made me feel worse. After that, a physiotherapist would work on my muscles. They were rough and often hurt me. But I kept going because I had nothing else. Hubs really wanted me to stop because he saw no purpose in going. I was unaware then but the stress from the sessions triggered more pain.

One day I went back to my GP and I told her about my problems with the hospital's physiotherapists. She was sympathetic and remembered a patient telling her about a private physiotherapist who worked wonders. Her name was Alice. She gave me Alice's contact and that was the beginning of a very expensive relationship.

Alice used to work at the hospital where I was treated. I forgot if she co-owned the private therapy practice. She took me on as a client and worked on my muscles. My muscles were a mess. There were angry knots all over my shoulders. I thought I had found God. She could unknot all my knotted muscles and I felt a lot of relief. But she was very expensive. She cost $100 an hour. I wanted to marry her. I went to her for many sessions. She tried all sorts of nonsense on me. I even bought a water pillow from her. (I still use it because it's very good) I was the golden goose. Despite her magic fingers, the pain always came back. Just before I found Dr Lee, Alice was no longer able to fix my pain. Nothing she did helped anymore.

So it was a good thing hubs found Dr Lee. It turned out Dr Lee had experience treating patients with similar problems as me. He listened to my sad story, asked many questions. Finally he wanted to test the pain positions to confirm his diagnosis. He pressed very specific spots on my body to find out if they hurt. They all did. He was also shocked by how thin I was.

The day my life begins

Dr Lee gave me the good news. I had myofascial pain. I was so happy. I had no idea what myofascial pain was but I was so happy my pain had a name. If it had a name it means it could be treated.

More good news. It was treatable. He had a new drug which was being used successfully on myofascial pain patients.

The bad news? He could not guarantee I would be rid of the condition. It could be a lifetime condition and I may have to take medication until I die. I asked him if anyone had been known to recover and he said yes. I don't know. Maybe he was lying.

I didn't care anyway. I just wanted the medication. He prescribed 4 kinds of medication - one to treat the nerves, two for mood (anti-depressants) and one for the pain. The painkiller was very strong and he only gave me 2 tablets. The ones for nerves and mood was for long-term. Dr Lee said in pain therapy, the goal was not to use pain medication but to treat the root of the problems. The anti-depressants were helpers. The nerves meds was the one that could fix me.

I was warned about the side effects of the nerves medication which was quite scary. Basically everything bad you can think of. But I was desperate. I did not care about any side effects. Even if he said I would vomit all day, I would still take the medication. (Some people do suffer from nausea)

That night I took the medication and went to sleep. I was sure I would die in my sleep and not wake up. Of course I woke up. I felt stoned out of my brains. Everything was slooooow. I went to look at the mirror and I had turned younger by at least 10 years! All my wrinkles were gone. It was a miracle. I was also very lucky. The only side effects I had were feeling stoned and feeling sleepy. Some patients had it bad. They felt dizzy all the time.

I had to go back to Dr Lee's clinic for regular physiotherapy sessions. My therapist was Andrew. When he worked on my muscles, I thought I had found God. He had no mercy. He only had one request - that I don't scream. He was even better than Alice. He could go even deeper into the muscles. And because he is a man, he was even stronger. He also knew where the pain hurt the most. Although his sessions were very painful, I always felt fantastic afterwards. But, I certainly wanted to hurt him back. He was also old fashioned. He insisted I drink 2 cups of warm water after each session! (to wash away the toxins) Besides the physiotherapy, he also used laser on specific spots on my muscles. But this was short-term. I forget why. He only burned me once. He taught me a few exercises to do at home. The first exercise was deep breathing. I think it was the most useful exercise. I practice deep breathing even today whenever I feel stressed. Overall I had to do 10 different exercises 3 times a day. The exercises targeted specific spots on my pain zone. For each exercise, I had to do for each side of my body 3 X 30 secs. It was extremely tedious and I never enjoyed doing the exercises. But I wanted to get better so I did them without fail.

One thing I found different about Andrew's approach was he told me to do the opposite of what the therapists at the hospital and Alice had said. He said I had to do the exercises even if it hurt. However I had to listen to my body and not cause injury. I think this was by far the most important advice I had been given.

What I learnt from Dr Lee about my pain is each "attack" is a pain cycle. If I get multiple pain cycles, the pain gets very bad. This explained why sometimes I felt very bad (multiple pain cycles) and sometimes it was tolerable (single pain cycle).

If you're wondering what happened to my blog and sewing during this period, I did continue to make bags and blog a little. Whenever my pain was tolerable, I would sew. There were a few months when I completely could not sew anything. Just waiting out the pain cycles. I did not know it at that time but my sewing had a big part to do with my recovery. 

Under the care of Dr Lee and Andrew, I became well very quickly. Within a couple of months, I was back to my normal self and Dr Lee gave me a weaning off meds schedule. Everything went smoothly. One month later, all the pain came crashing back. Not only that, it was way way worse than before. I had new multiple pain cycles every day. Once again I could not sit and could not lie down. I crawled around my home. I went back to Dr Lee and the physiotherapy sessions. Dr Lee wanted me to be prepared to take meds for the rest of my life. Hubs became concerned. Dr Lee was very, very expensive. I asked Dr Lee for a discount and although he sympathized, the discount he gave made very little difference. I decided I needed to find a cheaper way to get the same treatment.

When one door closes, another door opens

Around this time, I was up to see my orthopedic doctor at the hospital again. It had taken an incredibly long time as my appointment had been pushed back twice as he was away. He told me all the tests came back normal. There was nothing physically wrong with me. I gave him Dr Lee's diagnosis and it's a small world because he knew of Dr Lee but was quite scornful of his prowess. I told him Dr Lee's fees was a drain on my family's finance. After listening to my sad story, the orthopedic doctor said he had a solution for me. At the hospital, there was a new unit catering to pain management which had opened up. He assured me Dr Lee's credentials were nothing special and his guy, the pain doctor was just as brilliant. The best part was at the hospital, the government paid part of my medical bills so it would only be a fraction of what I was paying Dr Lee. He took care of everything and I became a patient at the Pain Clinic.

At the Pain Clinic, I came under the care of Dr Tay who later roped in a pain psychologist SY to help with my problems. You know, I've always felt Dr Tay and SY were angels sent to save me.

In the arms of the angel,

Fly away from here.

                                                                                         Sarah McLachlan

to be continued.

Projects By Jane - The Beginning

Yesterday I had a nice chat with a friend and drunk on sugar I talked a little about how Projects By Jane (the shop) started. When I went home I realised that I had over time forgotten a lot of my past. Little details of what I did, the motivations and how it led me to where I am today. Is remembering my beginnings that important? Well, as much as this blog is for my readers, it's also for me. I am my blog's biggest fan. I often read my old posts especially those which mention my kids or special moments. It allows me to relive the sweetness.

I thought it would be a good idea to record what I can remember of how this little hobby turned into a full-time obsession. The history of Projects By Jane had a lot to do with my medical history. Yes, it's a long story.

Between 2006 and 2007, I was crocheting bags and making clothes for Barbie. One day I crocheted a bag for Barbie and it got me thinking about making bags out of fabric. In September 2007, I was starting to make bags. I found many useful resources in the net and would write down in a note book the hyperlink http://.... Hubs saw me doing it and simply couldn't bear it. He showed me the beautiful thing about blogs. The links. Immediately I decided I would start a blog. Maybe hubs talked me into it. Hubs had experience with blogging and he showed me the ropes. It seemed so easy. The first thing we did was to come up with a name for my blog. I wanted my name to be in it and at that time (still am) I was crazy about Project Runway. So I naturally picked the word "Projects". Hubs was thinking of bags but I did not want to restrict what I blog about to bags. Hahahahahaha. Fortunately Projects By Jane was available on blogger and that was how it started. In the beginning, I did not blog about every single bag I made. I wrote each post for my own reference and amusement. To my surprise, I had readers other than my own family members. I had a statistics counter on my blog and I could see readers from different parts of the world coming to read what I had written. It was quite flattering.

About 2 months later I started to feel wrong. I became unusually tired and often felt exhausted. Prior to this, I had been experiencing numbness in my arm on and off for a year. I had seen a doctor and was on a waiting list to see a orthopedic doctor. In November 2007, the exhaustion became unbearable. Not only that, my muscles hurt so much. I remember this occasion when my family was shopping at Gap and I was standing outside the fitting room waiting for my kids to try on an outfit. Suddenly I felt so overwhelmed with fatigue I just sat on the floor and wouldn't get up. From that moment, my life changed completely.

The fatigue wore on and on and the muscle pain never went away. If I sat, I hurt. If I lay down I hurt. How do I describe the pain? It's no ordinary pain. It goes very deep so you can't soothe it. It never stops. The pain is always there. It's a killing pain. I did not want to live. I remember one day telling hubs that if the pain never goes away, I did not want to be alive. I could not live like that.

The whole of November 2007, I saw the GP many times. She would prescribe me this and that. But she had no idea what was wrong with me. I went to see the Chinese physician as well and had acupuncture. It didn't work. I was so desperate I went to another Chinese physician who prescribed really horrible medication. I became ill after taking it. I remember hubs was very angry with me because I refused to take the rest of the medication. Finally I was able to see a orthopedic doctor. He sent me for a few tests to rule out this and that. Some of the tests were extremely painful. How do I describe having needles inserted in your arm and having to use your muscles? I screamed throughout. The awful thing was I was not given any diagnosis so I had no medication. Just vitamin B. My orthopedic doctor was very busy. I had to wait a very long time to see him about the results of my tests.

Meanwhile, my symptoms had started to get wacky. My hands sometimes turned blue. I would shiver uncontrollably. The shivering made my pain worse. I became terrified of getting the shivers. When it came, it was very frightening. And it lasted a long time. I still remember this incident. We were out one day having dinner and I had the shivers. I asked the waiter to give me 2 cups of warm water. Then I plunged both my hands into the water to keep myself warm. Later hubs asked me to stay outdoors to warm up.

I also remember Christmas eve 2007. All the clinics were closed. I felt horrible, horrible. It wasn't just pain anymore. I had difficulty breathing. My hands shook. I was barely eating and had lost a lot of weight. I remember my weight was 46kg. For my height 1.66cm, it was way too little. I begged hubs to take me to a 24hour clinic. I remember he was quite angry with me. I don't remember why. The doctor said I was suffering from anxiety and gave me medication to relax. It helped but it put me to sleep all the time. Eventually, I overcame my anxiety but the main problems - muscle pain and fatigue remained.

I was still waiting to see the orthopedic doctor. I lived each day, minute by minute, hour by hour. I was still functioning as a mother taking my kids to school, making sure they had food and did their homework. But I could only do the bare minimum. As soon as I reached home I would lie down. I remember on a few occasions my kids were squabbling and needed a referee. They went to look for me and I simply said, "I can't talk." This became quite frequent. I would tune out if I was in bad pain and refused to settle their petty quarrels. I often wondered if my kids would have turned out differently if this hadn't happened to me.

In March 2008, hubs brought home an article from the newspaper he works for. It was a feature on a local pain specialist. He left the article on the dining table. The next morning when I woke up I read the article and I had the first ray of hope. I prayed this doctor would save me. I contacted the doctor and the day he examined me and gave me his diagnosis was the day my life begins.

I will break these chains that bind me, happiness will find me

leave the past behind me, today my life begins,

a whole new world is waiting It's mine for the taking,

I know I can make it, today my life begins

                                                                                                               Bruno Mars

to be continued.