Green Hell is quite possibly the most hateful, bastard-coated, ♥♥♥♥-powered survival game I have ever willingly subjected myself to.

This game does not want you to survive. It doesn’t even want you to have fun. It wants to watch you crawl through the Amazon on three health, riddled with worms, covered in leeches, hallucinating, dehydrated, poisoned, infected and slowly losing your ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ mind while some tribal bloke sprints out of a bush and caves your skull in with a stick.

Every single ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ thing in this jungle wants me dead.

If it isn’t some unga bunga terminator chasing me through the trees like I’ve shagged his wife, it’s a jaguar launching itself directly at my arsehole from another postcode.

Then there’s the crocodiles, which apparently possess military-grade stealth technology because one minute I’m peacefully drinking from a river and the next minute I’m being folded into a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ suitcase.

The snakes are even worse.

Tiny little ankle-height bastards hidden in every patch of grass, just waiting for me to walk past so they can inject the entire periodic table into my bloodstream.

HISSS.

“Oh brilliant, poisoned again.”

Walk twelve feet.

HISSS.

“Oh you ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥.”

Walk another twelve feet.

HISSS.

At this point I’m convinced the Amazon rainforest is approximately 60% snakes.

And don’t even ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ start me on the leeches.

WHY ARE THERE SO MANY ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ LEECHES?

I walk through one bush and suddenly my character has seventeen of the ♥♥♥♥♥ hanging off him like I’ve accidentally wandered into some sort of parasitic gangbang.

So now I have to stop every thirty seconds, open the inspection menu and rotate my bloke around like a rotisserie chicken trying to find the latest bloodsucking little prick attached to his thigh.

Then there’s the thirst.

My character is the thirstiest organism ever created.

I could make this ♥♥♥♥ drink the entire Atlantic Ocean and seventeen seconds later he’d be standing there going:

“Need… water…”

HOW?

WHERE THE ♥♥♥♥ HAS IT GONE?

Does he piss continuously?

Does he sweat hydrochloric acid?

Is he secretly eating handfuls of sand every time I close the inventory?

Food is exactly the same.

I’ve just eaten half the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ rainforest and apparently that bought me about nine minutes before he’s starving to death again.

And the weapons are ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ useless.

My stone knife has roughly the stopping power of a strongly worded email.

Some tribal bloke comes sprinting at me carrying a spear and I’m standing there holding two rocks tied together with a leaf like:

“Come on then you ♥♥♥♥.”

Stab him.

Nothing.

Stab him again.

Nothing.

He smashes me once.

DEAD.

Brilliant.

So every playthrough goes like this:

Spawn.

Spend twenty minutes looking for two ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ rocks.

Find one rock.

Lose it.

Find another rock.

Get bitten by snake.

Find water.

Water contains seventeen undiscovered diseases.

Drink anyway.

Start ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ my soul out.

Get leeches.

Remove leeches.

Get more leeches.

Find food.

Food gives me parasites.

Try to treat parasites.

Need another plant.

Can’t find plant.

Hear growling.

Turn around.

Jaguar.

Dead.

Respawn.

Find rocks.

Tribal bloke appears from the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ shadow realm.

Dead.

Respawn.

Snake.

Dead.

Respawn.

Crocodile.

Dead.

Respawn.

Some microscopic ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ worm crawls into my body because apparently I had the audacity to sleep on the ground.

Go insane.

Start hearing voices.

Start seeing tribal people that aren’t actually there.

Real tribal person appears.

I assume he’s imaginary.

He caves my ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ head in.

Dead.

This game has beaten me, poisoned me, infected me, starved me, dehydrated me, psychologically tortured me and repeatedly turned my character into an Amazonian Deliveroo order.

I have screamed “YOU ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥” at my monitor more times playing Green Hell than I have throughout the entirety of my adult life.

I ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ hate this game.

It is unfair.

It is stressful.

It is unbelievably irritating.

It has made me contemplate launching my monitor through the window and then following it head-first just so I never have to hear another ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ snake hiss again.

10/10.

Absolutely phenomenal.

I’ll be playing it again tonight.

Awesome game, love the mechanics, 10/10 graphics

Just giving a more honest review to counter all those sobbing fellas lamenting tha game is too hard.

The game is not hard, it's complex. Quality of life don't seem to be forgotten but rather left out on purpose, I'm seeing the point of it.

The game itself tho is particularly simple, once you make a bow and gather a few feathers from dead animals you're set, nothing can kill you now. Just watch out for the floor, spiders and other amenities do become annoying if you're going too carefree.

Always bring with you: coconut bidon, simple bandages, few tobacco bandages. Eat random stuff from the forest to keep your levels up, if a tiger arrives, it's dinner time. Grab some of them tiny mushrooms, each cures something different. Oh, and get maggots from rotting corpses, if you get a nasty would they'll take care of the infection.

It's way more fun with a friend. They steal your stuff? Poison them.

I get it can be frustrating at the start, when you know nothing, but with a few added notions you'll start finding it too easy, I swear. Give it a shot, is currently selling for 2 euros, absolute steal.

So, all them sobbers got a point, but sometimes all you need is a sound and hearty "git gud".