Chatterbox Yen

Went to Yen's kindie for the parents-meet-teacher day this morning. Ms Julie told me that academically, Yen is doing well. Her English reading is advancing very well, though she should practice more on her Bahasa reading and comprehension. She has a good grasp of Maths, and she always aces in the weekly 10-12 words of Spelling and Ejaan. In fact since it started in the beginning of the year, she only got one word wrong - 'perpustakaan'. BUT she talks too much. She talks too much and too loud that she's distracting others. I couldn't help but smile when Julie told me this. I was actually pleased ..because it means that she is happy and secure and confident, hence she is talking a lot.

At the practically-useless kindie that she was in last year, the teachers told me that she was a quiet as a mouse and would just talk in whispers. But then, that school did not encourage the kids to speak up. This Bangsar kindie does. It encourages the kids to speak, their opinions are asked, there's laughter, there's creativity, and you can see that the teachers are passionate about the kids and their job. It costs a bomb, but so well worth it. Yen was in this kindie when she was 4, but due to the distance from home, the challenges with a growing and bigger Jien, and of course, the cost of the kindie, we put her in a different kindie near our home when she turned 5. Big mistake, but I'm glad that we are able to rectify that by returning her to the Bangsar kindie that she loves and enjoys so much.

I was just trying to contain my smile when Julie was telling me about how Yen is so sibuk sibuk with the other kids in class when they are copying notes from the board, comment here and there and this and that. So so different from the useless kindie last year. A really useless kindie that taught her only 18 mandarin words in the whole year, whereas she has learned to read simple Mandarin books after 3 months of being in MH, the enrichment centre cum day care.

Marcel and I are more concerned about her overall well being, rather then her academic capabilities. She is just too soft, a door-mat even, but I'm just pleased with what Julie has told me. But must tell her later tonight to be less distracting to her classmates with her loud voice :) But she's happy and secure, I'm glad.

Heaven Is Perfect

Yen had always slept on her own. Even when she was a baby and it was bedtime, we'll place her on her bed, and switch off the lights. She can fall asleep on her own. When Jien was old enough to join her in her room, they slept together. She on the bed, and him on the mattress on the floor next to her bed. They'll have so much fun before bedtime. She had placed the mattress slanting on her bed, and they both slid down the mattress slide. Or he'll hide under the mattress, and will so cleverly pull the pillows to cover the bump. Because he's so petite, we'll sometimes have trouble finding him.

But she refuses to sleep alone since Jien's gone. So we sleep together. And at nights, many many nights, I'll cry silent tears, missing my son. If she did hear me, I'd lie and say that I have the flu. I thought that she had bought my lies all along, but last night, she reached over and patted me. And she said 'Don't worry about Heng Jien. I am still here. Heaven is perfect, earth is not perfect.'

How did she know that? My little girl is so grown up suddenly. She knows, she knew..that i miss him so much. How long has she known that I have been crying for him nightly?

Happy Birthday Earth Boy

Matthew will be three years old in a few days. Miss him so so much. I see the pictures of him; of him alone, of him with cheh cheh, of him with us. I can't believe that he's gone. So surreal, yet so real. So sad, so angry, so in grief. It's been over five and a half months. I couldn't blog. So painful. So angry at some people who talk without thinking, angry at myself for letting that affect me, angry and dissappointed at those whom i thought i could count on, and yet be surprised by the support and love of those I least expect from. So much tears, it never stops. So tired of this grief, it's so draining. Yes, I miss you so, my puppy boy. I miss your laughs, your shrieks of joy, your happiness at the simpliest things. Your cheh cheh laughs alone now, and i'd try to imagine your laughters in hers. So hard to carry on every single day. So hard to put on a brave front everyday. So hard to fall asleep at night without you in my arms, your head on my chest, feeling your breath. How I wish that i had held you longer that last time, to savour every bit of you. I will always regret that. To hold you close again...

Were you with us for two and a half years? Feels like a dream sometimes. Your toys and clothes are still here. Though I have not opened the drawers for a while now. Maybe i will later, to see your favourite clothes, your favourite toys. To imagine that you are still here, playing with them as I sit on the sofa trying to read the papers. Trying to imagine you in my mind, of you running from room to hall and from hall to room. Taking things, disturbing cheh cheh. How I miss her shrieks of 'mommy Heng Jien is distrubing me'. It is so quiet now. The silence is deafening. Mommy and Daddy are not meant to have one child, your cheh cheh only. That's why we wanted you. We have so so much love to give. Wish you can feel our love for you even now. Can you feel it in heaven? Mommy is so so sorry that mommy could not take care of you well enough here on earth. I know that Jesus takes care of you now, so much better. But i still love you so, I still miss you so, I always will. I still cry for you, i still pine for you.

Happy birthday soon to my earth boy. Your birthday is on earth day, 22 April. Cheh cheh said that you would want a Thomas train cake. Yeah, i'm sure you would. I remember that you liked the Thomas bag that belonged to someone at the playgroup. I wish that I got one for you then. Happy Birthday soon, baby. Mommy and Daddy love you so so much

Sleeping Child

It is the first day of kindergarten 2009 for Yen today, and we went to McDonald for lunch after I had picked her up. She had worked up quite an appetite after a morning of games and story-telling session, this being the first day after all, so no lessons yet. She ate 4 nuggets, a cheese burger (Mommy took a bite), fries and she even asked for ice-cream thereafter!

The McD Happy Meal’s toy of the week was a swimming digital game. That night during our talk with Jien, she told him about the game. Then she thought that she’ll better show it to him. So innocently, she told him to hold on whilst she went to the hall to retrieve the toy, and then proceeded to play and explain to him how it’s played. I could only do so much to hold myself from breaking down. My sweet innocent girl.

For our nightly talks, it’s as if there is a ‘direct line’ to Jien in heaven, and that the heavens opened up for that little while and Jien could look down upon us and hear us and see what we are showing him.

After we had bid him good night, she pretended that Jien gave her his loud kisses on her cheeks, and she hugged her new rather-large stuffed toy, Po the Kungfu Panda (my brother’s neighbour, Juliana, gave it to her after Jien went to Jesus). And Yen said “I pretend this is Heng Jien.”.

Later, she asked me how many days it has been since Jien went to heaven. It’s been 65 days. Some days are hard, and some days are harder. But not a moment, nor a day goes by that I do not think nor miss nor long for him. The feeling of emptiness envelopes me when I am alone. For I had hardly ever been alone since he was born. Even when I go out shopping or run some errands, it is always in a rush for I want to get home to the kids, or I’ll be calling or sms Marcel to check on whether the kids had taken their meals, or milk, or nap, or drink sufficient water, to remind Marcel to check on Jien’s diaper, to switch on Yen’s favourite show, etc etc – all the little details and such when it comes to kids.

I remember once when I was at the Atria bookshop with Yen, and we ran into a friend. Later, I called Marcel to check on Jien ie what time he woke from his nap, had he drank his milk and how much of it, what he’s doing now, and to make sure he drinks water, etc. My friend who was within earshot, advised me not to worry, Daddy can take care of the boy.

Yen is almost 6 now, and is rather an independent little lady. Only Jien needs me…needed me. I thank God for my little girl and Marcel. Marcel has been my rock, and my girl, my little cheerleader; she makes me smile, she gives me joy. But my heart still aches

I am happy sometimes, but I feel guilty later. How could I be happy when my son is gone? How dare I be happy. Does it even make sense? I looked in on Yen sleeping alone. I had taken many pictures of my kids sleeping together; so cute, so adorable, so peaceful.

Now when I look at the pictures of Jien sleeping, it reminds me of the final picture of him in my mind – laying in the casket. He did look so peaceful, just like he is sleeping. I touched his cheek. So cold. Just like he’s sleeping in the air con room. I placed my cheek against his cheek for the last time that day. I still remember that last day, when he had laid his head on my shoulder for his afternoon nap and I had a little short nap with him too. But Yen was waiting for me in the living room for our quiet time together, only possible when Jien has his afternoon nap. It was the last time that I held him to sleep. How I wish there would be more.

Tears In Heaven

Matthew at 6 months old; a chubby and happy baby, a joy to us










We went to church last week. We three; Marcel, Yen and I. We had not gone to church for a very long time. I have a ‘cordial’ relationship with God, I know that He’s there, and I’m here. Yes, I have faith in God, and I do all the right things, but I do not have a real relationship with God. That had worked for me fine, but it isn’t enough now that Jien is there with Him.

I was in Taiping last fortnight, when I received a text sms from Mabel. This is such a wonderful lady - a new friend whom I got to know only when I started taking Jien to the playschool in Jan 2008 - who has been uplifting me during the year end holidays via her texts. I was just telling her via the text; “I remember once when you, Mary and I were downstairs at the playgroup. Mary had wanted to talk to me about my intent on taking Jien to a speech therapist, and so you took Jien and carried him upstairs. In no time, you were back with him for he had tears just streaming down his face. You said that it just broke your heart as he was crying silently for me. He had wanted his mommy. I wonder if he cries for me in heaven…”

Jien was about 2 years and a month old then. He's very attached to me, but he's also his own little man, that's how Daddy and I would refer to him sometimes. He does what he wants and when he wants to. He's a little man that you can't boss around, an intelligent little man. I was concerned then that at his age, he couldn't speak yet, though he could call his sister cheh cheh and our Taiping neighbour's cat Kitty. He absolutely adores Yen and he calls her cheh cheh.

In the afternoons, Yen would be doing her kindergarten homework in the hall while I pat Jien for his afternoon nap in the room. And when he hears any sort of noise from the hall or the bathroom, he'll say cheh cheh. For who else could it be but for the cheh cheh whom he loves and adores so much.

Daddy has this thing with the kids. When he says "1 2 3" with his arms wide open, Jien would run into his arms. For Yen, it's "4 5 6." Jien loves to be carried up high by Daddy.

Jien gives us the loudest of kisses every night before bed, a loud kiss on each cheek, followed by a hug, or hugs. So lovable, and so mischievious. Sometimes, Yen would shriek with delight or in tickles but Jien always make sure that she gets a kiss on each cheek from him. Yen too loves getting kisses from her little brother. When Jien was younger and he didn't know how to kiss yet (or more that he wasn't interested in kissing us yet), each kiss from him was so very 'precious' for Yen. She would get so excited when Jien did kiss her and would tell us that "Heng Jien gave me two kisses." She's never jealous of him. He's the most natural things to her.

So often now she tells me that she's bored without Jien, nobody to play with. It's a five year old's way of saying that she misses him. She still can't sleep on her own, something that she could do since she was 4 months old. Her little room mate is no longer here.

I wonder if Jien longs for us in heaven. I wonder if he streaches out his arms to reach for me in heaven. I wonder if he misses us.I wonder if he could 'look down' and see where we are and what we're doing. I wonder if he understands why he's there.

It was late in the night at almost 2 am when I got the sms from Mabel, she must have gone home and referred to the Bible. I kept the texts and this is what she tells me “My dear Michelle, the Bible says there’s no tears and sadness in heaven. I’m sure Jien misses you too and looking forward to the day when your family can be reunited again in heaven. He’s now in the best place anyone can hope to be – God’s side. As hard as it is, you need to let go because he is with his Creator. Having said that, we have all the wonderful memories we can hang on to, to help us move on, not without him but with him in our hearts. I hope you will allow me to walk with you through this difficult journey. We can laugh and cry together. See you tomorrow. God bless.”

I do miss Jien so much, and as much as I want him to be happy in heaven, I’d hope that he misses and remembers us too, for he is just a toddler. Yen knows that heaven is the best place ever, I keep telling her that. I’m reminded of Eric Clapton’s song ‘Tears in Heaven.’ He too, had lost his son.

Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven?

In The Quiet of the Night..

The Lariche family at home on Christmas morning last year, Jien's second and last Christmas with us



In the quiet of the night, I miss my son the most. In the quiet of the night, as I lay in bed, I imagine the weight of his head on my chest and my arms encircling him as he drifts to sleep. I’d imagine the warmth of his little petite body next to mine. I know of his contentment and his sense of security of being in my arms, that all is well in Mommy’s arms. In the quiet of the night, hot tears would stream down my face. And in the quiet of the first morning light, I’d wish my son Good Morning in heaven.

In the day, I would try to keep busy, but in the quiet of the night, I’d think of Jien. How could I not? It’s been 40 days since he went to Jesus.. I can’t and don’t want to put it any other way. Yes, he is with Jesus, but his Daddy and I miss him so much, and Yen as well. Yen said, that every night she thinks of him. Yes, my girl, so do I, so do I.

40 days has not made the pain any bearable. The head is sensible but our hearts just hurt so much. I miss my son so so much. I miss everything of him, but I miss his laughter the most. He has the happiest of laughs; so full of joy that it’s just contagious.

Every night, we’ll pray to Jesus with our daughter, and talk to our son in heaven. And Yen will tell him what she has done for that day, and every night, she’ll end with ‘I love you Heng Jien, I miss you’. She has accepted it well that he is in another place, and that we can ‘talk’ to him in heaven. She will tell him when his favourite show (Mickey Mouse, Pocoyo or Winnie) is on and to let Jesus switch on the TV for him. The other day as I was on the PC and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse was on the TV, Yen kept saying ‘Heng Jien’s favourite show’ several times. I was not paying attention till she called me. I saw what was on the TV and I realised it then. So I said out loud ‘Heng Jien….’ but before I could go on, Yen said ‘I told him already Mommy’. I knew what she meant. That she had told her brother that his fav show is on, and to ask Jesus to switch on the TV for him.

I don’t know how it is in heaven, but I want my son to be happy there. Does he miss me? I don’t know. I miss him come running to me with his arms stretched out to me when something is wrong, when he has fallen, when he has been naughty and Daddy disciplines him. I always take him in my arms, and Daddy will tell me off that I am spoiling our son. I miss him when there is a thunder storm, for if he is here, my son will be clinging to me tight, for he is afraid of the loud thunder. And I would hold him till the storm passes. I’m sure that Jesus is holding him now when there is a thunder storm, or maybe there aren’t any thunder storms in heaven.

The Christmas decorations at the Mid Valley mall are just beautiful, and Jien would so enjoy them. But he is not here. The grief of losing a child…

Marcel and I try to keep busy, but at night, it is just so quiet without our son. We stay up late, watching TV or be on the PC, or just some work here and there, to tire ourselves so we’ll fall asleep fast. But sometimes, sleep eludes us. I have hugged my son’s Daddy and cry to sleep. Jien will not have his third Christmas with us, nor his forth, nor his fifth. It is not that we want to dwell in this grief. It is not that we are stupid to self-inflict this pain onto ourselves, but if we do not grieve, or miss, or long for our son, then it means that the 30 months of his life with us did not matter, that he did not leave an impact in our lives. If we do not grieve, then it means that we do not love him. And we love him so so much. His absence leaves such a void in our hearts.

Matthew's Milk Bottles

I took down Jien’s milk bottle sterilizer this morning. It has been untouched for the past one month. There was a layer of dust on the top. I wiped it, I opened it and peered inside. It was empty. It will no longer be used. My son does not need it anymore. His milk bottles have been put away too. I put them in a plastic bag and in a nice paper bag, and leave it next to the ironing board in the storeroom, and I don’t know what to do with it. But I leave his pacifier in a container in the kitchen cabinet, above the microwave. I want to keep it there, as it has always been there. I don’t know why. He only uses the pacifier when he needs to go to sleep. And he knows it is sleep time when he sees the pacifier, or he will take my hand and lead me to the kitchen, and point to the kitchen cabinet, to tell me that he wants his pacifier as he is sleepy already.


I cried as I pack these. I cry as he is no longer here, and hence, he no longer needs them. I cry of the memories of me washing the milk bottles every night, after he has slept, so that all will be nice and clean and ready for me to give him his milk first thing the next morning. I cry because he will not grow up to be weaned off drinking milk from a bottle, to be weaned off his so-very-needed pacifier. I cry as I took the photos of his sterilizer and milk bottles and pacifier, and his Bob the Builder water bottle. He likes that water bottle and we’ll take that to the playgroup, to the park, etc. Why did I take the photos? So that I will remember all the little and tiniest details of everything of him.

In ten years, I want to read this blog, and click to the year 2008, the year that I started this blog, the year that my son went to Jesus, and the year (and the subsequent years) of how Marcel and I cope with it. I want to see Jien’s Bob the Builder water bottle, his pacifier, etc. That he was with us for such an enriching 30 months, of how he had dominated every part of us, of how much we love him even though I want to tear my hair out some days as he’s such a challenge to care for, and so much to love him for.

All of my son’s things; his clothes and his toys and his books, are still as they are. I can’t bear to move them, yet. When? I don’t know. I open his clothes drawers, and take out a shirt, and put it to my face and draw a deep breath. A breath of him? I don’t know. A life extinguished, a little petite 2 feet 8 inches boy reduced to ashes, the baby that I bore in my womb for 9 months and held to sleep every night of his life. Faith that he is in heaven, Faith that he is happy where he is. Faith is what gets us through. If not for Faith, what else have we to hold on to, and to hope for …