Bun #2 is out of the oven

WOW..opened up this blog and saw this unfinished draft 😂 Might as well post it..takut ada orang merajuk...So  the two paragraphs  which I wrote in 2018 goes ;

       Here we are, almost 3 years later. Who knew I was such a lazy blogger ( everyone ) . I didnt even seem to finish my last post ( shocker ).  Anyway, with my first blessing, a.k.a Hana , i ended with a C section .Why? Because after a week post date, she still showed no signs of wanting to be introduced to the world. And I had been on leave 2 weeks which was kind of a waste . Although continuing work at that state was also not and endearing idea as any other medical mo would also tell you. So at 40weeks 6 days I admitted myseflf to HUSM. Long story short, I had thin meconium stained liquor in the beginning and after 4 hours developed Moderate meconium, with me still being around just 4cm dilated,head not engaged, I was advised for c-section to avoid any complications. ANd with only the baby’s best interest in mind, we agreed..no tears were spared. Looking back, I was so afraid i’d get a check that in the end it actually happened. But on the other hand, I was also thinking too much about making sure the baby was going to be ok.

       Since then, I’ve always feared that I wouldn’t have a successful VBAC. I decided to do all I can to avoid another op hence I enrolled into a VBAC workshop by infamous dr. Tan. There I learned about other peoples struggles aside of our own and how we may avoid history repeating itself. Bearing that in mind, when planning for another baby I did try my best, although things like ‘ try to lose weight before pregnancy ‘ was not exactly achieved. Other than that was good, I only gained 7-8kgs throughout was compared to the 15kg I gained with Hana. I was also more happy and relaxed so I kept working even postdate 3days . We tried ‘natural exercises’ at home as much as we could. But then the day came. I felt weak contractions on Thursday morning otw to work. Then later in the afternoon, more stronger and regular.

Ok sampan situ sahaja my post. 

    But to sum it up, later around midnight I visited PAC in KB despite already being under USAINS, but as my Prof did not reply my text I decided to just be safe and do CTG and VE to help me decide when to turn my self in to labour room. Everything was fine and OS  was still 2-3cm but the MO offered for  S&S  to which  I agreed  and to which resulted in SROM. So there we were flagger blasted unsure of our next move as the head was not engaged yet and every step I take I can feel the liquor dribbling down hence now Im leaking and can become  a risk. We decided  to go back to my doctor who then had to induce  me  and  after regular painful contractions-that-i-couldnt-breathe for  almost 12H they decided for Csec. At that point I couldn't WAIT for my spinal  😂 At that point I could not even sit up due to the intense and frequent  contractions.  Im normally hypotensive but SBP was below 80 and so they ran Hartman just in case. After the spinal...the feeling of warm numbness traveling  down..was absolute  *sigh* relief!  Sadly Hariz couldn't team me despite private wing but he waited in recovery.

    Half  and  hour later or so, our second baby girl was born 😻 Second baby syndrome is real y'all! They are feisty, always curious (but never cautious 😅), doesn't want to lose to the eldest and manja kededek. Never a dull day with her around and forever my cuddle buddy because like me, she is willing to eat everything lol. Ok sampan sini dulu...

Mommy Diaries - #1 Bun in the Oven

                 From a non compliant blogger who writes only in the angst of the moment, usually at far extremes of the emotion spectrum – anger, sadness or joy.

My pregnancy was not to say, uneventful, but I didn’t have the sudden eagerness to scribble down  anything too significant as they weren’t as I mentioned, extreme. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy, but somehow I have always been that person, who hardly takes anything seriously (why am i a doctor u ask? Huh~) . The fact that I, Syuhadah Hasny, the girl who still laughs at the lamest jokes, whose attention span was similar to a cat and can jump between emotions within minutes, was going to be a mother was once a only a flicker of imagination had actually become reality. Its crazy but apparently not impossible.

Hariz and I got married during 2^nd year of housemanship, me being ahead by 6months and were also living apart , having a baby at the time was maybe not in the cards for us yet. Then eventually as I finished and moved in with him, life was too lonely not to be shared with. Alas the planning of making a baby. We weren’t pressured at all by prying aunties or inlaws, but wanting to grow your family is the most natural thing to want. But again, it seemed unreal because deep down I feel like Im still a kid. Truly.

Once we got knocked up, suspense ensued..you see, my parents and inlaws only had boys as grandchildren, so imagine the expectation of gender was quite high. Everyone says it would be the most exciting thing to have a girl, usually shopping-related reasons of course . But to me, having a girl, would be terrifying! Why? Just read the news, gossip columns , viral led videos. Or, just look at me !! My mom raised me right and yet still Ive messed up alot on my own. Was I capable of taking care of a flower among millions of poisonous thorns , of dry soil, of evil schmevil insects that gnaws at its leaves and hinders its growth?  And looking at all my nephews, it appeared to be less the hastle. But alas at 30 weeks we visited akak during her oncall and she confirmed baby was a girl! Congratulations followed.Me? (Thinking, darn why did I bought that blue sleepsuit! :p)

I used to think that I would blog atleast  about all the celebrations in my life, ie ; finishing ho-ship, getting married (big right?), moving to Kelantan, big flood, my pregnancy, yet everything passed by so swiftly that I brushed it off too easily . But once I delivered Hana, those three days in the postnatal wards, it became just that, extreme emotions engulfed me and I realised, I need to, or want to note these emotions down, so that down the line, I can look back and cherish all the hardship, and joy that imprinted on me since that day I became a mother. I sometimes still find it wild that I am a mother. Before I get ahead of myself, lets start from where it all started.

To be honest, I wasn’t cranky or too sad during those 9 months. I sulked and cried merely about 2-3x which was setting a record seeing how much of a drama queen I can be. (#KimK) I had few episodes of vomiting not necessariy preceeded by nausea but more because of the metallic taste i was having ( common in pregnancy) . I fasted the whole month of Ramadhan, Alhamdulillah, where I almost didn’t gain any weight during first few months. But bear in mind I was already over my ideal weight during pre-pregnancy. Then later on hanya tinggal harapan as i just bloated up like a hot air balloon ready for take off. I might of reached Cappadocia by now if I weren’t too heavy. I didn’t have any weird cravings, and my appetite was just above average. *crossfingers* . Gaining weight was a serious issue as family genes have showed, once you go ‘round’, u cant ‘turn around’. Yikes.

I felt Hana kicking as early as 15-16 weekes..it started with these really small kicks when sometimes became similar repetitive kicks which later on as I read, happened to be hiccups ( common in pregnancy). Funny though as whenever I asked hariz to feel the kicks, it disappeared. Lol.  During 3^rd trimester, everything felt so heavy anchoring me to the ground, especially during prayers. When I walked i felt like lifting my feet with my hands just to walk at normal pace. Not to mention the waddling gait! And here I thought people exaggerated. I took and early leave at 39weeks, promising myself not to spend  it on resting so the delivery would be on time . 

So here’s a list to-do list of things that can hasten your progress :

2.       Walk a lot
3.       Walk a lot
4.       Nipple stimulation – its hard to just go hands-on, so i suggest to breast pump, it’ll help with initiating breastfeeding later
5.       Sexual i/course – apparently semen helps soften the cevix hence ripening of it. It also acts as SnS to releas PGs
6.       Sweep and stretch – can do it daily after 38weeks if you can bear the sensation
7.       Doa

Some ppl suggest air selusuh and what not, but honestly theres no right or wrong in that. It may work wonders for some people. But herbs are something you cant necessarily quantify the amount of ‘oxytocin’ action they provide and lets just say you wouldn’t want to squeeze an unripe pimple ( weird analogy)

So basically I did everything (i should’ve walked further, prayed more) but, if the babys not ready, it just aint ready. I didn’t have any contraction pain, but OS was already 3cm w some show after the SnS. Time was ticking and still no other suggestive signs of labour. Getting induced was not something I imagined going through..

The Summary of My Life

Dear J,
     Feels like forever since I last blogged that a lot has happened since then, be it good things or bad. A lot is and understatement. So,

1. I completed (survived) housemanship at last, although it wasnt as easy as some people.
2. I got married !! To none other than my college sweetheart, Hariz Zahri. A simple wedding that if I could turn back time would've made it more memorable.
3. I moved to Kelantan !!!!! OMG. Who would've thought ? Well who am I kidding? I anticipated this to happen when we got married.
4. Im a medical MO...GET OUTTA TOWN!! Cray-cray!! It was my first posting as a houseman, and although it was the most memorable and somewhat productive (so i would like to think) posting of all , I dont think it suits me. PERIOD.So stop asking me to take post grad for it!
5. A lot of in between drama and gossip and memories with my girls.
6. And last but not least, getting knocked up!! hhahaha

So basically thats a short summary of things that happened, which is sad that I cant express myself as good as if it just happened. The downside on not jotting everything down exactly after it occured.

But I'm planning to be more compliant as I go through this pregnancy. So that when my kids grow up, they'll know how much I went through. LOL . 

Long Strive ahead

I've been itching to blog about my life as a freshman H.O but life's been hectic and even when it isn't, I'd rather sleep. Or eat. Or sleep.

On my first day,three months seemed so far away yet now that it's over, it felt like just yesterday was when we met En.Firdaus (h.o care-taker aka life saver) for our orientation. *sigh* I have mixed feelings about finishing med postings. There is a sense of incomplete-ness and unfulfilled needs.

Everyone assumes that being a doctor is most noble and honorable, which in theory, yes it is.But in fact, it carries a lot more weight to it than you can imagine. It can carry you to the dark side ever so effortlessly and you wouldn't know what hit you, shoving you across that fine line between right and wrong. You must always remind yourself why you were here in the first place. That God is watching every single footstep and every single turn.

You meet all variants of human beings from all the levels of the hierarchy. The good, the bad, the innocent, the bossy. You will meet people you think are so nice that they can manipulate even you into doing things for them without even directly asking and also those who are just so full of themselves. I've been in situations where I just help out these people do things just because they're so pretty that I just couldn't say no. Now that's pathetic ain't it. But hey, if you set your mind thinking it's a burden, believe me, it will become a burden. But if you think, '" Hey, there's not much I have to do anyway, why not help?" Because truth is, h.o's workload is sO darn little these days, we should be craving for more work.

Ni nak balik on time. Nak cukup tidur. Nak spend time with family. But being a doctor, is like being a celebrity in a way. You are hak milik rakyat. Well at least your time is. At least when you're a houseman.

On another hand, its not entirely our fault that the numbers have grown out of proportion. Wasn't it the plan to decrease the ratio of doctors to patients? So that they get better treatment and enough attention. But then we get less experience due to the competitiveness of it all. By all means send us to overpopulated nations for housemanship will you???(as if my mom would agree to that -_-) They need us more I guess and would appreciate us more and not look down on us.(even nusrses here need some taming to do, down girl, down) Then when we come back, we'll be more equipped for combat although the medical issues out there might not exactly relate to what we are facing back home.

So there are pro and cons, depends on whose counting.

Still, niat itu penting. I started out into h.o-ship planning all sorts of things, but what I've realised is plans change, people change. This job changes you, and don't expect it to be for the better. Because it can bring out the worse of you in every front..

God help me.

My day as a Pie Chart.

Its 5o'clock in the morning and I've been up every hour with the bright light still lit. 3am. 4am. Afraid I might get up late without my homeys in the room to wake me up.The drive journey back from KT was so draining last night even when I wasn't even the one behind the steering wheel..I quickly pull up the covers, hiding my head below the hard pillow.

The clock strikes 6 o'clock. The room, still empty since last night as the girls were having the day off. I pull the covers higher up trying to drown myself back to sleep. Denying the reality of my situation. Doctor who?

The phone rings. Not my alarm, confirming it after the second ring.

There I was thinking, " Who the hell could be calling me at this time.."

One of things that suck AND can scare the chicken-shit outta you when you've become a legit doc is when you receive a call from a friend from work or a fixed line which is most likely from work.
There's always these small voices whispering, " What did you do now? " to " What the heck you DIDNT do?"

I peek through the covers with one eye open and see the caller- ID. Prek? I slide to answer.

"Prek?"..a split second of silence.

"Babe..aku ade brita buruk..".. *pause*

"Nape ni prek? "...*pause*

"Balqis dah takde" *double pause*

My heart skips a beat. " Huh? "

Two beats ...the sound of her voice becoming further and harder to for me to listen to.

"Die accident..masuk gaung..dekat Pekan"..

"Preekk...."

And there we were..a phone call away..helpless..with our hearts both torn and broken into pieces because of the love we've shared for a friend we've known half our lives. The very same person we've fought with, made up with, shared our laugh and tears with. Its tougher for Prek as she's been with her for the past year,even more and I can only hope she can find strength to move on and live life as normal as possible as she will be reminded of arwah almost everwhere she turns as they've built a life there together. But I would be here, distracting myself with work, and work and more work. ANd I would always be here for her when she needs me.

I went to work this morning, finding myself lost in thought. I see her face. I can here her voice. Her jokes that  once made my day. I remember the last time we saw each other on my grad day.How she refused to take a picture with me because she wasn't ready. How could you? And now I dont have a picture with you on my big day.

I remember how I forgot to wish her Bday last 31st June when she remembered mine. And how I reminded myself to wish her but was too busy with work and had no internet connection. I couldn't reply her wish on my bday. And today, I can't ever wish her. But she will always be remembered.

Today, my day is like a pie chart. Why you ask? Because a pie is made up of all kinds of ingredients, and a pie chart is divided into pieces representing percentages of something. That something is all the emotions I have bottled up inside me as of this moment. It started off with joy. Joy of having my significant other passing his finals . Sadness as my other half was being married off to her 'other' half and me missing my flight to celebrate their new life of matrimony. And joy of my beloved roomy's Bday which I couldn't celebrate as I couldn't betray the hurt and loss I was feeling for my late friend.

My day today, is like a pie.

Bon a petite.