Don't they tend to trap themselves ? Imagine their boundless freedom ! Yet they are confined. Stationary. Unmoving. There is no impediment, yet they search for a way to overcome it. Maybe it's white, maybe it's black. Maybe it's grey. I think it's wonderful.

Wake, us sleepers. Tend the garden, fold the doubt. Why water a river ? The dawn comes, but then again, the sun never set. Everything, technically, is nothing. But everything could even be one thing.

We drink the water, yet say it is not fit for drinking ? I doubt logic consolidates that. Then what if imperfection really is beautiful ? Isn't that what they say ? Tend the garden with your hands, your bare hands, and only then will you feel the petal.

It's there isn't it ?

Junctions, junctions. And glass. If this was a movie, the steel would be a blur. On the curb is a blemished, scarred, piece to a puzzle. A puzzled piece. He watches the dance of the raindrops upon the steel and the glass, but doesn't quite hear the music. Well, he hears the other music. It's never quite enough, the melody swimming in his head. He needs to be in the sea, with it. Yet he only sees steel and glass, blurred lines.

He walks onto the road, and then he realises he is singing. And he has always been, since the beginning, since before the beginning.

Always.

Seattle - The Classic Crime

My real estate
My life is dull
And dried up like the sound
A voice makes when the heart grows cold
And it’s going that way

I think I’ll move out of state
Somewhere far from Seattle city lights
They burn my eyes
California sounds nice but California’s a lie

Maybe I’m out of luck
Or maybe I’m just blind
All this time

Rain on my hopes
Rain on my soul
Rain on everything that I know
It feels so ludicrous
The pursuit of this dream
We thought we’d be there long ago

My life is like a rolling river
So muddy and absurd
And although I might be mistaken
I know that I’ll be heard
And I find the second I try to pull away
I’m thrown back in line
All this time

So

Rain on my hopes
Rain on my soul
Rain on everything that I know
It feels so ludicrous
The pursuit of this dream
We thought we’d be there long ago

And we are all looking for the same thing
The same thing
Seattle is calling me back home
Back home

A fleeting moment of clarity

Where am I going ?

Light in my heart, a Light in my heart. The Light from my soul.

--

The courtyards of empty promises and dying hopes, they surround this fountain. The blemished fountain with a broken purpose. Softly, the rain fills the cracks, closing the gaps with an eternal power. Falling rain, it falls as I stand alone. The birds, they sing their forlorn song and then fly onto a new sunrise. So unfamiliar in this everlasting, neverfading darkness. The melody floats, drifting to some vivid place far from the unseeing eyes that dance around me.

But no-one sees the Light in my heart, the Light from my soul,

"On, Home !"

Always the same and born again.

I am swallowed into the rise and fall of a rush of beauty. And as I twist and turn, I am soothed by the gracefulness of the stains you left on my senses. But what you left a mark on most prominently is my other. I do not know the dance of the candleflame nor its life, but I do feel its warmth. I do not know the age of the grass, the names of the soils, the dreams and aspirations of the sea, but I do know they are within me. Like you are, like your smile is, and like the caliber of the change you have cast upon me. Not like a shadow, but like the penumbral glow of a realm so forgotten and yet so alive, alive with the charm of your sparkling eyes.

This feels like the night and the day. The sun shining through, shining upon those lucky arms and eyes.

The Grey Man - Copeland

Don't worry now, it's all erased
Burn to grey and white
Your fireproof heart was never wasted
And steady all the while

So you say

Don't worry now, it's all come back
Color rests in night
You'll be there, you'll see her face
And hear her all the while

Don't worry now, it's all erased
Burn to grey and white
Tell yourself you don't still taste her
Or here her flues at night

What wrong, fast enough to lose yourself

By the time you've found your way,
You've gotta run right back to the start
Don't think you've lost
You've gotta run right back to the start
And when you finally think it's gone
You've gotta run right back to her arms

You've gotta run right back to the start
You've gotta run right back to her arms

All One

A rustle in the leaves, water beneath. Beneath the moon, a rustle in the leaves.

Solitary, he leaves from the same place he was the day before. The day before he was solitary. Within him, he has left a place for return. If he feels there is a fire to be put out, he will return. But for now, he will feel alone. Alone now, unlike before.

Maybe unlike after.

Called upon, he walks. And the world does not walk with him. Walks amidst rustling leaves. Walks upon the moonlight of the water. And the world cannot walk with him.

Untrodden paths, just a few footsteps. Footsteps that last because no wind dares to blow in this direction, because no wind dares to erase them.

And through his mind, run the memories. The memories of him running a winning race. The race he ran when he was not alone. Alone, he fell. Fell and now he walks.

In his mind, form the words. In his mind, form the words and their imprint.

And he walks until he realises there is no turning back, and he will walk until there is no turning back because if he turns back, he will just be where he was the day before he was solitary.

Always for You.

- The Album Leaf

And people just walk away.

You're brilliant.

Fly.

August 28th. 6:00 p.m.

She knows me. She knows every nook and corner, and I love her for that. She's seen me through everything. And she has held my hand without knowing it. She's free now, free to fly. She's heard every note I've played. She's listened to me crying. Only she knows how much I cry in the middle of the night, when I can't get what I want. Or when I can't be loved. Or when I love. She's heard me laugh and she's seen me laugh. She's looked at me and she knows who I am. For so long, she knows what I've been through. Her eyes are closed now, but I'm sure she can still see me. I hope that she can understand what I'm saying, or what I'm writing. I'm sure now all this will be translated into what she can comprehend. And everything I've said to her, everything I've told her, she'll finally know now. Her eyes are closed, and she's out of her cage, she's in a little basket. She's smiling, I hope. I can't see, but I do hope she's smiling. She knows how much I love her. She knows how much I love her even though I couldn't tell her. I bet she could feel it as well, through the air, and even though she was in a cage, I bet she could feel much more than I could. I bet she wanted to tell me what to do, but couldn't. Well she can tell me now.

She's with God. I know she is. And now she can speak to God.

And I can still speak to her. If I speak into the wind, I know she'll hear. She'll hear me, she'll fly pass me and listen to me, and then she'll smile. I hope.

Rest in Peace.

I'm wearing your memories, and there's nothing for me to hope for, for now.

Imagine walking through the snow, and imagine the lights hung on lines overhead. Imagine the snow as we drag our feet through it and imagine us laughing. Imagine walking the white streets with hot coffee, and imagine the stars smiling as we stare. Imagine as our hearts sing a common song, and imagine us being together. Imagine, imagine your hand in mine. Imagine casual conversations and imagine the deepest conversations that take place in the silence. Imagine breaking the silence with a word that doesn't say it all. Imagine our belief and hope in each other filling the air. Imagine the air taking shape, and assuming colour. Imagine the colour drifting around and between us, and imagine us coming closer to shut the colour out. Imagine us. Imagine the amount I could love you.

And then imagine turning around just to see the snow behind me and a solitary pair of footsteps.

As I Lay Dying

"Have a seat, sir."

"I'd rather stand. Thank you."

"Sir, it's bad news."

"I know."

"You have a nervous system disease. It's terminal and spreads rapidly. The Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease."

"Oh."

"There is no cure, and no possibilities to slow it down."

"Oh. Well then, it's good that I decided to stand. I won't be doing much of that soon. Thank you doctor."

"Sir .. please may I propo-"

"Thank you, doctor."

----

Sitting at his piano, hitting the mellow notes of a lost cause, his fragile fingers played what would be one of their last etudes. They danced on the black and white keys with profound meaning, for he knew that every note he hit would strike a similar chord within him. The music occupied the empty spaces in the room, and his broken heart sang of loss and failure. Slowly and elegantly he played until he stopped. And as he did, a candle flickered in the corner of the room.

Waking up the next morning was hard. He felt the disease creeping up on him like an unfamiliar shadow. Afraid to get up just to fall again, he sat in his bed and did something he had not done in a very long time. He cupped is hands, placed them over his eyes and sobbed. He remembered all that he had done, all that he had written and played on his piano. He remembered his first note, how it was so terribly played, and thought of how he could now play it with such ease. And as thoughts like these rolled through his mind, he wondered what his last note would be like. He wondered if it would be perfect or as bad as his first. And he wondered if he would ever write another song. He wondered if there would be music where he was going. He would miss the twenty four years of his life. He had played music for eighteen of them. Realizing what he might lose, he struggled, got out of bed, fought his way to the studio, and sat down at the piano again. He drew a long breath, closed his eyes, and it was under the hanging lamp that he began to compose his final song.

He etched everything he knew into the song. As his notes grew subtle and mellow, he inscribed how he had lost almost everything in the accident that had caused this disease. A car had slammed into him, and he remembered screaming as the shards of glass entered the side of is head. His notes grew into the ways he had tried recovering, and how he found his only solace in music. They took him back to the days when he was a child, where he would spend autumn in his backyard watching the proud treetops, gazing at them until his father would call him in for dinner. He played for days, taking breaks only to eat, or if the pain got too unbearable. He would sleep on the piano, refusing to leave its side, too scared he might never touch it again. And when the night got too dark, he would bring the candle over to illuminate the keys, lending them an orange tint. He wrote the notes on the bark shed by the only tree in his garden. He smiled when the melody resonated in the half-empty room. It made him feel less alone.

On the fourteenth night after his visit to the doctor, he had nearly finished the song. On the fourteenth night after his visit to the doctor, the pain became unbearable. He clutched his head and screamed. He screamed because it was going to be his last scream and then he fell silent because he knew he needed to breathe. He kept his eyes open and played frantically. His notes turned into fury, into angst, into desperation. "Please ...," he whispered. "Please." He fought his tears. "Please." He wrote, and he wrote. The melody fell into place, the dissonancy would come but he did not erase it. There was one last segment until the song was complete. His legacy, the story of everything he knew, did not know, and wanted to know. His questions, his silence, his mistakes. The song lay like an unfinished biography. "Please," he said, and the pain came again. He flung his arms as if he was shooing it away. "GO !" he screamed, and as he did, he motioned with his arm. He knocked the candle over and it fell on the dead bark. It fell, and he watched as it burned.

He stared, and as the fire was reflected in his wet eyes, the pain came one more time.

But this time he surrendered. He fell off the chair onto the floor and surrendered. He looked as the fire grew before him, and then he closed his eyes and smiled. He could not feel anything anymore, and he could not move, but he was going somewhere. And he was taking the music with him.

I feel strange. I feel confused. After a 45 day break. I'm confused.

Gig

Could you connect ? I didn't know what I was capable of. And so, I didn't use what I could've used.

----

I don't know if I can do it. I'm so. Unprepared.

----

I can't do it now. I can't, it's too early. I'm not ready for it yet. Don't, please.

----

It's almost over. Just one last mile to walk.

----

There, that wasn't too bad. Actually, it was quite good. I loved it. Take me back again. WOW, I really liked it. Yes, yes. Please.

I know for a fact that God exists. In the simple way that the world exists. That there is more to love than scientific impulses. That there is more to music than resonance and whatever else science may define it to be. That there is more to life than photoplasm and cells. That there is more to living than being alive. And as much as science wants to prove that God doesn't exist, that the universe, that life, music, emotion was created by atoms being fused by chance, I will hold on to my belief. I know there is more to belief than scientific theories. I know, because I have felt the Holy Presence of God Almighty, my Creator.

I could be anywhere when I am holding you.

Bricks

I was a little lost at SFS today. I know why, and I don't really want to forget. Balloons and thoughts that resemble their floating away, sinking back down to the ground only to be kicked up again.

For a while now, since last year, Robin has loved knocking bricks down. Why ? I didn't and don't know. It was probably fun. And maybe he imagined himself as a superhero, Batman's true accomplice, knocking down walls of evil, knocking them down when they were rebuilt, and knocking them down when they were standing. For me, I imagined them being failures and losses. They would keep coming, and I would keep knocking them down. Until Robin and I were called, leaving the little blue and red bricks lying scattered on the floor.

You always call once in a while.

Anberlin - The Haunting

Up on this hill, in this uncanny house
The wind makes this place creak, the lights they are flickering.
The moon she is lurking, the clock it stopped working
At a quarter past three.
There's something dancing here in the shadows
And I wish it were us.

You haunt me baby, you haunt me here tonight.
You haunt me baby, you haunt me here tonight.
Tonight.
Tonight.

Can't get your memory, off of my mind, my mind.
Just want your heartbeat, on top of mine, of mine.
There's something dancing, here in the shadows
And I wish it were us.

You haunt me baby, you haunt me here tonight.
You haunt me baby, you haunt me here tonight.
Tonight.
Tonight.

Up on this hill, in this uncanny house.
Your spirit I can't see, but I still believe
I can feel your breath on me.

You haunt me baby, you haunt me here tonight.
You haunt me baby, you haunt me here tonight.
Tonight.
Tonight.
Up on this hill, in this uncanny house.

Sorry

I still love you. It's everything. I can feel it now. Building. You can't see it, I just know that I can feel it. I still love you.

Listen

Sigur Rós - Untitled #1 (A.K.A. Vaka)
Uploaded by steveo_russianspy

I can't walk. At least not through this. The ground is like a mirror, it reflects what I cannot bear anymore. Not anymore, the ground reminds me of me. Barren, the existence reminds me of blankness and a mere outline. It reminds me that this is not a delusion, that it is real, I can see it. The myriad of dreams that belonged to the being I once was maunders and roams and roves through the air around me. Even the air stinks of defeat and of loss and of hopelessness. It wanders like the vagrants and vagabonds I used to detest, but have now become. There is no home, there is no hope, there is no hole where I can hide my shame-ridden face. The rustling of the leaves is the laughter of my own mind. The crashing of the waves is the sound of the walls of my sanity crumbling, lost to my lack of sight. I foresaw this, but I did not imagine that it would be real. What contraption covered my eyes, preventing me from seeing that this is reality ? What device polluted my heart, preventing me from hearing and feeling the distant cries that screamed for help ? What invention created such gigantic impedements in my mind, shutting out everything that I had learnt ?

The world has been destroyed.

The trees are burnt.

The animals are dead.

The birds are dead.

The plants have fled.

Metal impedes my path.

The path to nowhere.

I am going nowhere.

After we destroy the world,
you are going nowhere.

There is nothing here.

Environment. Gone. No more campaigns to save Earth. No more campaigns to recreate the green carpets that have now become discoloured and have now faded into the nothingness I am heading for.

No more. Gandhi's teachings have lost all their meaning because there is no-one here to hear his words. Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela, William Shakespeare, Stephen Christian, all their words now lie in the mud I walk upon because we have neglected the call to save the world. No more teaching, no more learning, no more music.

No more music.

Music ?

I can hear the pain.

It is not music.

Let us prevent this. Please. Please. Let the light shine.

Fairytale, anyone ?

Together

I want to create magic, music. The explosion of emotional light that drives away the ominous clouds of failure, disregard, hurt, sorrow .. I want to create it.

I want to create that comforting, mystical force. That force that unites all of us. There are things within all of us that keep us together as we carve out our own characters. They unite us. Hope, love, sorrow, pain, joy.

Listener or speaker, giver or taker, lover or loved, distant or near, known or unknown, all are familiar with these. And so, I can teach you what I have learnt about these things, and you can teach me ! You can be with me when I need someone, and I can be with you ! And if I don't know you, I will. And if I know you, and if I love you, and if you are not here, if you are not with me now, I can tell you.

You can hear music. And I can too. And you can hear that explosion. And I want to create that explosion. So you can hope. So you can smile. Even if I don't know you, you will know me. And if you know me, you can tell me who you are. So I can hope. So I can smile. You can hear my music, and I can hear yours, and I can listen to what you want to say, and you can listen to what I have to tell you. And we don't even have to speak the same language ! All you have to do is listen, for it to work.

"I have my own particular sorrows, loves, delights; and you have yours. But sorrow, gladness, yearning, hope, love, belong to all of us, in all times and in all places. Music is the only means whereby we feel these emotions in their universality." ~H.A. Overstreet

Yes, we can feel all of these things together. Without saying a word. All we have to do is listen to the music.

Sigur Ros - Glosoli
Uploaded by Transsmusic
(Please watch the video, and then listen to the song while reading)

A leap of faith. What is preventing me from believing ? What will it take for me to let myself understand that I can do whatever I want ? How will I make myself understand that I can be who I want to be ? What are my beliefs ? What do I believe in ? Do I believe in myself ? Do I believe that one day, I can be who I picture myself to be that day ? Do I have enough faith to surrender myself, to lose control, and believe that I will stand where I wanted to stand ?

What is preventing me from believing but myself ? It is I who holds on to the fear of falling each time I jump, and not onto the hope of jumping higher. I believe that one day I will be who I want to be, the person who will inspire, the person who will open eyes to the light of hope and the light of truth. I believe that one day I will fly, and I will not look upon the things that will hold me down. I believe that one day I will not doubt myself, and I will assure myself that if I want to achieve something, I will achieve something. I believe that one day I will realise that the only thing holding myself back from being myself is me. I believe that that one day is now.

Why do we always look for someone else to do something for us ? Why did we sit back and watch Nelson Mandela end the Apartheid, why do we sit back and wait for someone to eradicate racism ? What is holding us back ? You are the only one who can let yourself change your outlook. I am the only one who can let myself change my outlook. But who are you ? Who am I ? Am I who I believe I am ? Or am I what my beliefs make me ? Or am I the believer ? Or am I the believed ? Am I all of these ? If I am, why can I not believe that I will make the difference ?

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no-one thinks of changing himself."

- Leo Tolstoy

I believe that if everyone changes themselves, the world will change. I believe that one foot forward will propel your whole body. I believe that one man can lead a group, I believe that a group can lead a nation, I believe that a nation can lead a country, and I believe a country can lead a continent, and I believe a continent can lead other continents, and I believe all the continents constitute the world.

I believe that the fear of jumping higher is the only thing to be jumped over. I believe that once you jump, and once you let yourself fall, you will land on your feet. If you don't, you will fall somewhere safe. If you believe, you will fall in God's Palms.

If I believe, I will make my dreams come true.

Ensemble.

I like glue. It fixes things.

A Touch of Madness

"For the Warrior there is no such thing as an impossible love.

He is not intimidated by silence, indifference, or rejection. He knows that behind the mask of ice that people wear, there beats a heart of fire.

This is why the Warrior takes more risks than other people. He is constantly seeking the love of someone, even if that means often having to hear the word "no," returning home defeated and feeling rejected in body and soul.

A Warrior never gives in to fear when he is searching for what he needs. Without love, he is nothing."

-Warrior of the Light.
Paulo Coelho.

Reinvention

Many suns have come and gone since I last tried to discover. Discover myself, discover truths, secrets.

I begin to question myself. I do not have all the answers, but I read in a book: "sometimes, the questions are answers in themselves". Pondering upon the perplexity and the complexity of this statement, I am bewildered. Naturally. Questions demand answers unless they are rhetorical, of course. But, if questions demand answers, and questions already have their answers, then isn't it discovery that a question really requires ? Discovery of the context, the status. And thus, learning. Through discovery, I understand more, I learn more, I am more alert. I observe and constantly inhale knowledge. "How are you ?"

How is this an answer ? I do not know, I have not learnt, but I will try. Learning is neverending. And so every mistake that is made while learning can be corrected in the next lesson: an infinite loop of enhancement and enrichment.

"How are you ?"

If unanswered, in most probability, the mind will soar over to new plains to seek the answer. To seek empathy, for if I empathize, I will understand how the person in context really is. Words can lie. But if there are no words, there can be no lie, and therefore, I am supplied with the answer I really want. Without it being given. I will analyze the person's situation; the events that occupy his mind. I will analyze and assemble the images and produce an answer harmonic to reality. If I do not have sufficient substance to supplement my thought process, I will ask. I will recall circumstances that may reveal new insights, that may reveal new ideas regarding a person's mood. And so, in one simple question, I have answered many. I have made myself more aware of happenings, and I have made myself think. "How are you ?"

Such a maze. Such a beautifully crafted system. Questions. Just questions. So intricately woven, yet they are but a glint in the moonlit ocean. God has gifted these to us. I am Grateful. We are Grateful.

If questions are answers in themselves, are answers essentially questions ?

PS: This short post will be continued if it lies in God's Will.
PPS: This is the 101th post of Insignia and Hours combined. The 100th post was a poem entitled 'Full'. The new layout is thus, a tribute.
PPPS: I have a lot to write about. I may encounter restraints, but I will try to find a way, somehow.

Lost & Found

I have so much to blog about. Let me start off with the last two exams .. let's see, what were they ? Math and Commercial Applications, I think. Wow it was so long ago, I really don't remember much. I remember in Math there was some random complicated VAT sum, which I managed to get the steps of, but made a stupid calculation mistake, and there was a huge fire before Commercial Applications - and I know that it was very long, and the post-board times were fun.



We went to Zabeel and played football - the day the boards got over, it was fun, just fresh air and no worries, I mean there were worries, but I had no actual studies to do, it was almost like freedom.



Birthday parties. The beach trips. All of them, so so awaited, yet they passed so quickly. And things came and went, and days came and went, and Shaun came. And my heart lept in joy, it was separated for so long. I missed him, and we spent time, and we jammed, and we spoke, and we recalled, and we did so many things we haven't done in so long. It felt good.

---

I saved this post as draft. I think it needs to end here. The incompleteness.

The Board Exams of 2008 - 7. History, Civics and Geography 2 AKA Geo.

So it's finally over.

The farming.
The late night slogging.
The maps.
The topos.
The soils.
The physical features.
The commercial and cash crops.
The HEPs.

It's finally over, and I couldn't be more glad. This is one subject I am HAPPY to bid goodbye to. GOODBYE GEOGRAPHY. I don't think there's anything to miss at all. I never had fun during the periods, I never had fun studying it, I never had fun doing my exam, I never had fun getting my paper back ! It was all boring, boring, nonsensical, useless stuff. And now it's gone ! Gone ! Gone, gone, gone ! Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :D

Yesterday was torture. I don't know why everything got dragged out and went ever so slowly. One chapter rambled after the other, but at the pace of a mango being shoved down my throat (VERY slow, I hate mangoes). But it eventually got over, and I'm glad. I didn't want it to go on and on and on like some other exams did. History. And then when the exam paper came, I read it, it was okay, I wrote it, it was okay. It was good. I finished JUST on time, not because I was slow, but because I mixed two questions up and then had to redo the ENTIRE question. I attribute that to sleepiness. Not my fault ! It was not that bad, but still.

It's over !!!

And now I (along with the commerce batch) have 10 days of no-board days :D :S

And now I party !

It's almost over. 2 more exams. It's almost over.

Hehe, sorry you science guys :P

The Board Exams of 2008 - 6. History and Civics (HISTORY, CIVICS AND GEOGRAPHY 1)

Wow okay. Yesterday and today was trouble and chaos and confusion and panic. Really, I was supposed to finish a considerable amount of portion during the half day I had, when French got over, which CLEARLY did not happen. I had finished only a chapter. So I made far fetched plans of waking up at 5 in the morning and finishing by around 6 in the evening. Which did NOT, NOT happen. The whole day went by pretty fast, pretty much dissolved in studying, and by aruond 1 o' clock in the morning, I STILL had around 3 chapters. I fell asleep while studying, and woke up at around 3 45, decided to go back to sleep and study when I woke up. Which wasn't too bad, I finished my portion, did a decent revision, and then went and sat for the exam.

Which wasn't bad at all :D I'm so glad all the franticness of studying paid off, it feels good when all that hard work pays off (well technically, mine really wasn't hard work), but still, I really hope the marks reflect what I think I did.

Another 'last exam', I don't think I'll miss History ALL that much, but I'll miss all the lame jokes and all the stuff we used to do in class. Not to mention, the infamous interpretation thanks to SK. All in all, the trouble is gone, but the fun is gone too. I'm hoping that there will be loads of fun in the new things to come in Grade 11.

No more Executive, Legislature, Gandhi's Movements to be mugged up. No more dates ! That's for me, though. The people taking Humanities still have to study it ! I somehow feel a sense of pity swelling up within me =P

Oh another awesome thing that happened was that yesterday, Reshie called me up and told me to look in the Tabloid, where I saw SK in his infamous tongue-out, rock-on pose. Oh and surrounded by girls. I wonder what his mum said 8-) And right underneath that was a part of http://nishantmehrotra.blogspot.com/2008/03/there-and-back-again.html, "There and Back Again", my blog post about Desert Rock. Both these things surprised me, but what surprised me MORE, was that both were there at the same time ! I mean, what are the chances of someone you know making it to the newspaper, and not only that, at the same time making it to the newspaper yourself ? With BOTH of you not knowing ? AND when both of you are best friends ? Scary.

Anyway that's all for now, Geography awaits. *AGH !*

6 over and 3 left, we've done double what we have left !

The Board Exams of 2008. 5 - French

It's strange how I have to keep looking at my previous posts to see whether it's "The Board Exams of 2008" or "Board Exams, 2008".

Today was one of the subjects I had to bid goodbye to. As much as I am glad that I'm not going to have to study the conjugations of verbs or pronouns anymore, I'm gonna miss the fun periods, the boring periods, the periods we got screamed at.

It all started in Grade 7 when my parents and I finally decided that it was better that I moved to French because Hindi wasn't going to well for me. I remember taking the beginner's class, and going to Mrs. Law for tutions, to whom I owe everything I know, and getting an astounding 97. Little did I know that the next exam would be the exact reversal of that. Well, not the next exam, but it's strange how French always goes down, not up. Third term French has often been on my Birthday, I think this is one of the few times it hasn't. I wonder what the new Birthday exam will be for me. Maybe Accounts ? I don't know. I remember having Mrs. Wafa Khaleel as our second teacher, after Mr. Abdellah, and then we had Mrs. Poonawala. I'm gonna miss all the accents, the "What iz zis, boyzs ?" and the "I veel tell Mistoor Mayoor !" and something, which I already don't remember, that the substitute teacher said to us when Mrs. Poonawala was on leave. Then there was the "I-kin" and the "You're a quoique !" Oh, and now I remember, after asking Shaun - "Bulgary" How could I forget ?

All those won't happen anymore, French is over.

I got to school ridiculously early - at 7 40, and I didn't revise much after that. I went into the hall and wrote a fairly successful paper, and came out satisfied. There were shouts of joy from both the Hindi and the French boys, I wouldn't blame them. I was overjoyed too, but then again, no more French periods. I won't stop learning French, it's an awesome language. But then again, most of it's over.

And now, finally, I can say that we've done more exams than we have left. We're almost done breaking these chains.

There and Back Again.

An ocean between us. As I Lay Dying, my first metal obsession - Dubai had the privilege of witnessing them live, but I missed. A year back, I would've done anything. I used to brood - "What if they ever come to Dubai ? How will I ever handle the excitement ?"

The excitement came, and was disappointed, and almost left. I'm holding it's tail. It won't escape me. So far away from me. My ears heard them paint harmony. My ears loved it.

The next day, I heard harmony being painted again. In front of me. Live. There. Right there. An entrance, walking through the big gate, white banner overhead, steel bars ahead. The body scanner. I didn't have any armaments. I came to watch harmony being painted, not to destroy it. Walk front. Wait. My band tied around my hand. It is still tied. Faded. Black in colour.

Main Arena. Desert Rock Festival. 8th March 2008.

Enter. Drunk people, drugged people, fun people, serious people, musical people, the music, groups of people. So many people. Walk, look around. I know that person. Music brings us all together. Find my escort - Siddhesh, he showed me around. New arena.

There's a left crowd and a right crowd. Left crowd wasn't fun. They were standing and waiting and watching and doing nothing fun. Go back around, Marky Ramone finished his set with Blitzkrieg Bop. Hey ho, let's go. Go to the right side, push your way through. I smell alcohol. I smell smoke. I smell sweat. I love it because the medley reminds me of last year. Push your way to the front. The first row is where you want to be. I'm stuck in the 5th. There's a push ! Law of rock concerts : When people push you back, find an opening and go in front. That's how you progress through rows. I'm in the second row. Someone loves Slash. I let her come in front of me, she would enjoy it more than I would. Someone loves Velvet Revolver, I let him come in front of me. Last song. Slither. Music, HEY !. Music, HEY !. Slash's brilliant improvised solo. A prayer :

"God Almighty, if it be in Your Will, please may I be in the first row for Muse."

Within the next minute or few, I was in the first row. The railing, the cold, now warm because of body heat, railing. The security guards in yellow jackets and black caps. The pushing against the barrier, the embracing of the pushing. The long wait before the band came on stage.

There was a boy in a blue shirt behind me. He loved Muse, I let him share the first row with me, and he took a couple of pictures of us and the crowd, because he was happy I let him through. It made me feel nice.

There was a blonde girl there from last year. I remember her - she had a bodyguard and three friends, the bodyguard kept pushing people, and we kept screaming at him. She was standing next to me, right next to me. Music brings us all together. She had seen Muse 4 times. This is what music does to people. Love and the adrenaline. And the music. We sang every Muse song together, except Fury. We didn't know what song it was. We knew what song was coming the moment he started his whammy/effects on the guitar. We shared a couple of conversations. Music brings us all together.

It started. And I can't describe the performance. The jumping. The singing though you can't sing. The screaming. The "Thank you Dubai", the clapping of hands. Wow.

Knights of Cydonia, Hysteria, Map of the Problematique, Fury, Time is Running Out, Butterflies and Hurricanes, Invincible, Starlight, Stockholm Syndrome, New Born, Plug in Baby, Feeling Good. What a set. The guitars of his. Wow, I can't describe it.

Then it was over. So quickly, it was over. Why so fast ? The crowd poured out. The frantic searching for picks left untaken, on the floor. For memorabilia, for ANYTHING. It was gone. Already. Memory is fresh, though. It will be fresh for long.

There and back again.

The Board Exams of 2008. 4 - Environmental Education

There are very few things that are stupid like knowing there's a very important thing about to happen, and not doing anything about it. Very few things. Or maybe more that I don't know of, but anyway, that's exactly what I did. On the 6th of March, the day before my Environmental Education exam, I didn't study.

Okay I did study, but not properly. It's weird, you know. I mean, I wanted to study, but I just couldn't concentrate ! I had this song in my head, Achilles' Last Stand by Led Zeppelin. There's this riff in the middle of the song, that is just brilliant. That kept repeating in my skull, and everytime I sat down, I would start tapping my feet in the rhythm of the song. Wow, the song's STILL stuck in my head, even when I'm listening to another song !

But that's not the reason I didn't want to study. There are many reasons actually. It was a boring subject, it was pointless, and my birthday had just gotten over, and I couldn't believe that I was going to miss As I Lay Dying :( One of my favorite bands. They're playing today. Enjoy yourself Skay. Tell Tim I love him for me. *sniff*

So anyway, the day slowly rambled on, and I ultimately finished studying my 30-chapter huge portion. I'm so happy it's over.

I woke up a little early to do a little revision, but it turned out that I woke up a little early to sleep a bit more. Anyway, I got to school and started revising. The first few minutes were good, I revised efficiently, but as the day went on, and as more people filled the Quadrangle, I started chatting more than studying.

As we received our papers for reading, I kept looking over to see if there was a question that I DID know. There were :) Actually, the whole paper on first reading was a little weird, but once I got down to writing, it wasn't that bad. It was actually quite good. And long, again. I seriously need to tell the Board to compensate the Examiners for reading my paper. I remember something funny - there were these halogen lights on either side of the Auditorium, which I'm grateful for, because they kept me awake. Some people requested the examiner to move them away, or put them off because *I don't know what*. But anyway, that's enough of that. The next exam is French, and I really, REALLY don't feel like studying. I'll probably do History or Geography or something less boring than French.

Another exam down, wow. I still can't believe I'm doing my boards.

The Boards of 208. 2 - Zenglish Bliterature and 3 - Zeconomics :D

Okay so yes it's the return of the ZB Brothers :P (I told you so)

Okay this is my plan. I'm going to start each paragraph with an 'okay' for fun :D

Okay. On the day the English Language exam got over, I totally partied because I had this weird misconception that all the board exams were over and I could waste as much time as I want. I roamed around Karama, sat on the laptop and watched half a movie. (The Curse of the Ring - It's really good) However, I did manage to finish a few short stories.

Okay I shouldn't have done that. I know. But the next day was okay, finished off a bit of stuff and only had like 4 chapters left to do. For the next day.

Okay I should have finished those, because the next day was panic ! I remember not taking a break from 3 in the afternoon to around 10 in the night. And then the only I break I had was when I answered a phonecall, but apart from that, it was terrible. I was frantically going from Sparknotes to my textbook to the workbook to my notebook trying to revise all the littlest details which I am prone to forgetting. It was worth it, because the next day, the paper was good.

I'm not starting my sentences with 'okay' anymore. So, on the next day, which was the day of the exam, I made it a point to go to school a little earlier than planned, just to revise a bit more thoroughly. The first part worked, the second - notsomuch. It's the case with all us guys. Whenever we're together, we cannot study. We HAVE to joke around and waste time. Which was what we did, until our English Teacher came and we cleared our few last minute doubts. I'm beginning to look forward to go to school and do our boards, not because I love studying (I don't) and all that jazz, but due to the tremendous amount of fun that we tend to create for ourselves to loosen the nerves. And it works pretty damn well too, because while we're doing that, we're revising. Like we'd be revising a chapter, let's say, Martyr's Corner, and we'd start accusing someone or the other of being Rama's favorite customer. Which is lame, I agree, but when you think of the person we did, you'd laugh. Not because the person's weird or anything, no, just because it's funny. Sorry, I'm totally contradicting myself.

The exam paper was good, a little long, but good. The whole while I had this obssession with drinking water and I kept asking for more. One cup, but still. I'm not even sure if it's a cup. But that one got knocked down while I was getting my extra paper signed, so I had to get a new one. I did make a few silly mistakes here and there, some VERY silly, like the very first question. They asked us where the speakers (Titinius and Messala) were speaking. It was on a part of the battlefield in Phillipi. I wrote that they were on a hill far away from Cassius' tents and whatnot. I wrote EVERYTHING except Phillipi. Oh well, can't do anything about that.

That day at home and the day after that went really fast, because I really got into my economics swing. I managed to finish the portion 4 times before the exam (proud moment) and so, I was pretty much okay with it. I still made it a point to go to school early, because there was this book of sample papers with loads of questions that we hadn't learnt. So, when I reached there, ridiculously early, I was surprised to find people there too. I went to the staffroom and called our Eco teacher out to clear my queries. I had earlier planned on glancing through every page of my textbook, just to put an idea of everything back in my head, but that plan went waste, because I spent the entire time clearing doubts. Which I am very thankful for, because one question that I had stumbled across, Giffen's goods, it wasn't a question, but I had this little itchy nagging thing about it. Sir remember that this was an important question, and he then gathered all the students around to explain it to them one last time. The question was asked in the paper.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, it was my birthday (:D) ! And at midnight, I had received my parents' gifts, and I was really happy and LOVE them. So, I kept thinking about the Creative Zen waiting for me at home, and I couldn't get that out of my head during the exam. I have a feeling I randomly wrote 'Zen' somewhere in the paper, in some random answer. Haha it would be funny, "The total expenditure of the Government has increased recently, due to many reasons: 1. Zen" I hope I didn't do that. That would just be terrible.

Anyway, the paper was actually really good, except for I think a question or two in Section B. I didn't attempt those, so I can't really say that I didn't know an answer. It wasn't nice to see that the paper was terribly long, and quite a few couldn't manage to finish. That would have been horrible for them, I feel bad. Also, there was a controversial question about the tax slabs and that's getting on my nerves, along with another silly mistake I think I made, but again, it's over now. What can I do ?

I got home and I wasted the entire day doing things like 1. sitting on the laptop, 2. sleeping, 3. talking on the phone, 4. American Idol, 5. exploring my new mp4 player :D

Oh and eating cake.

However, from today, I plan to blog on the same day as the exam, because I'm sure I'm going to forget something, and I don't want to forget anything, (that would just defeat the point of blogging) so I'm going to blog on the same day as the exam. Anyway, I desperately need to go study EVS/EVE/Environmental blah, so, this is the end of my post.

3 down, 6 to go ! (Somehow, it doesn't feel good saying that)

The Boards of 2008. 1 - Zenglish Blanguage

So. I really don't feel like writing =P I've been zapped of all my writing skills. That should explain the "Zenglish Blanguage" thing. Anyway, I woke up at 7, and I was supposed to reach school by 8. I reached by 8 20 because I had a long shower :) Unnecessary information.

Anyway, I reached school at around 8 20 and cleared a few last minute doubts (letter formats, can never get those right) and then sat and chatted and learned new big words ! :D Like umm 'fastidious' which I ended up spelling as 'fastiduous'.

It was more fun than tense, actually. I mean, instead of burying ourselves in our books and smothering the teacher with our doubts, we were sitting around and cracking the same useless jokes we do in class. Adrian was at the top of his game, with his lame, LAME jokes. We cheered quite a bit too, when a few guys walked onto the Quadrangle. Like our board topper (no guesses who) and well, no guesses for the other person either.

Walking into the auditorium wasn't as bad as I had conceived it to be, and with a Prayer, it really wasn't so terrifying. I guess that's because it was English Language (yes, I have destroyed the notorious 'ZB' Brothers. But they will be back).

The paper came.

The exam was good, my first thoughts when I read the composition topics were around 'AHH ! THEY SUCK ! WHAT DO I WRITE ?!' and then I turned to the picture composition, which I did, which was risky, as it was the first picture composition I did in my LIFE. But it was not that bad :)

I used so much white ink that it looked like I was on some anti-racism campaign, the same amount of black and white on the page. And that zapped (yes, I'm learning how to be a magician) me of my time. Time, which reminds me. I brought this watch which would NOT sit straight, neither would I, and there were two clocks on the stage. And I STILL had to rush ! Which means, I probably made some stupidly annoying mistake here and there. I STILL need to check to see whether I did make any stupid mistakes. I hope not.

Oh well, here comes Literature, and here goes nothing ! Actually, here goes loads of Caesar and his not so friendly friends, and Short Stories. And poems.

ALL of which I am SICK of. But anyway, soon, three years of portion will be gone. Gone. Like Arun when he stole the money. Except it'll be back in some form or the other.

Sigh.

The Day After Tomorrow

So, I haven't really watched the movie, but I know it's something related to an upcoming disaster. I mean I watched like half of it, at one of my birthday parties, and then we went and played football in a waterless swimming pool. Don't ask.

So. There's this disaster that people keep talking about, but not doing anything about. They say that it is dangerous, and as the movie plays, we come to see that it is dangerous.

I have my I.C.S.E. Board Exams day after tomorrow. The disaster (I hope it isn't so disasterly, however) comes.

It seems so recent, that we were all frightened by our teachers - "THIS IS YOUR BOARD YEAR !", "STUDY !" and whatnot. It seems so recent that we moved into a new classroom, moved into new, massive portions, and moved into new territory altogether.

And it's finally here. The day after tomorrow. No, I did not plan this. I mean, I planned on writing something before the boards, but not today. What a coincedence ^_^. The day after tomorrow. And there is STILL stuff in our portion that I did not know about. *Looks at the photocopy of the photocopied Economics model papers*

Soon, the papers we are writing will be the source of terror for upcoming batches. 2008 Board Paper. They'll have to write it for practice. We need to write it for our lives ! I mean, our future. Which we are so often reminded about.

WHAT DOES MUSIC HAVE TO DO WITH GROWING COTTON ?

Maybe, the quiet, soothing music that we can picture on a farm. Or the eerie music as a U.F.O. makes new crop circles.

I'm done. And I can't write. I know this is one of my worst posts. My brain = muddled.

Best of luck to me !

See You Later

Another One

Time flies so fast. It's the 1st of January again. It's another year, another reality check. We have to move on. Move forward. Plan our every move. Chess. 2007 was a treasure chest, more than a year. So many memories I want to keep in my mind, in my soul. As much as I didn't want this year to happen, it did. I'm looking forward to it too. Soon, the boards will end. Soon, there'll be freedom. Maybe, soon, there'll be a realisation of hope; a gift. At the moment, I'm listening to the second Schmizel performance. All that adrenaline, all that practice, the stage. Mazaya Centre. All of it brings back memories. A time when I could let myself go. The third Schmizel performance, I don't have the video, but I remember it, most of it. It's difficult to remember things sometimes. If only we didn't have to forget.

Previous blogpost. All those things, they're so small, some of them immaterial. But the year would be incomplete without them. Some of things that have happened are so big, the impacts they have made are gigantic.

There are many things I want to say about 2007, the pain, the sorrow, the joy, the happiness, the randomness, the laughter. Everything's a big puzzle. Each piece is required to make it complete. Each piece should fit. There are many things I want to say, but again I can't.

I guess all I can do is wait for what 2008 brings, what it will give me. What it will take from me, what it will balance out. After all, there always is an equilibrium. The equilibrium of states. Nothing comes without a relation. Every equation is independent and dependent.

2008, I am Nishant Mehrotra. I am here, and I am here to experience. Give me experiences. I am here. See me. Notice me.

It's another year. I need to learn to time travel. I need to learn to change, and accept change.

I need to learn to fly.

The Year That Was

Well, since 2007 is officially over now, except in USA and Europe and places like that, I really don't know what to say. The emotions will flow later. It's too early. Now is the time to look back and rejoice, to feel sad, to regret, and to change.

These are a few, a few of the things that I don't want to forget. Ever. They're so small, some of them, maybe most of them, yet they are so important. So important. Here goes.

Inauguration of Schmizel - 1st Gig.
The Beach
The Marching Band
Lunch Predictions
The HOSUP [Snow ((Hey Oh))]
Awaiting DDR
More Lunch Predictions
First 90 in School
The Best Birthday Party EVER
Dubai Desert Rock Switzerland/Shalaka+Vihaan's Birthday Party (which I missed)
Insignia
Run To The Hills
Aces High
The Fence
The Music Room
Dani California
In Your Face
Extra Classes
Clowns Practice
The Planes on the Ceiling
Duality
Snare Drums
Clowns Stage
Pretending to be Maiden on the Clowns Stage
Bass Bubbles
K O and his SHIT
DrumBass
Coffee in School
Cranes from Burj Dubai
Incubus Practice Show Thing
The Second Schmizel Gig
TAMAHA
Harish's Garlic
Hot Wings
New York Fries
New Boy
The Locker
Clowns
Missing School
Foundation
Tattoos
Early Canteen Breaks
Vada and Doughnuts
Fake Orange Juice
Stealing Rainbow Milk
Gravity Boy
More Lunch Predictions
Practicing in the Sun
Sheikha Fatima
Shoof
The Locker Controversy
G Piano
Moshing
Squash Court Moshing
Peg
Ditcher
S.A.L.A.D.
The Third Schmizel Gig
The Videos During Clowns
Field Football
Kicking the Ball outside School
Practicing Clowns outside the Swimming Pool
The Festival City Show
The Suspension
The Eddie Pact
Illusion
Smack
Track
The Acoustagift
Visions of the Beast
The Walks
The Cancellation of the Battle of the Bands
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
The Quartet
Not Having Literature/Language Books
The Hooting
The Transfer to EIS
The 3 of Us
The Growth of SK's Hair
The 3 Day Sleepover
The White Board
Iron Maiden List
Band List
Seeing the In Flames setlist before they began
Apple Fight
MHS Cribs
Throwing Uppal in the Bin
Death of Technology
Lunch Practices for the Incubus Show
Early Morning Practices
My Coffee's on Fire
The Pen-Shattering Iron Maiden Performance (Shaun - Drums, Vocals. Nishant - Guitar, Vocals.)
The Loss of Darien's Phone
The Recovery of Darien's Phone
Rrrrrumpity Tumpity Tum
Egg Shakers/Maracas/Triangle/Tambourine
The AMRIT Song
The Rail Sliding
The IT Lab Tabs
The IT Lab Lyrics
This Love
Cheese Manakeesh
Ice Lollies
TTLS
The Music Room Window
The Basses
French Mafia Force
SK's Cheese Sandwiches
Tea Parties
The Punishments
BurJuman
Central Perk
Zabeel Park
Creek Park
FlugTag
Children's City
Special Families Support
Transformers
A Matter of Life and Death
The New Song and The Other New Song
Air Hockey
Pool
You
Second Home
The Schmexplicit Schmontent
DMS
Glenn Perry
The Clothing
Sticker Controversy
Nair
Doing the Jonathan
Rugby
Frugby
Frisbee
The Sleepless Nights
Dandiya
Nikita's House
Trisha's Party
Hey There Delilah
Apologize
Umbrella
Tokio Hotel
Muse
Lifehouse
Moody Blues
King Crimson
Anberlin
Hot Chick
Shaun Syndrome
Swimming Meet
Athletics Meet
Vegetarianism
More Lunch Productions
Shitty Chicken Curry
Designer
French Play
SFS Assembly
School Band
Diwali
I Know That You Know
Equilibrium
Felafel Sandwiches
The Bus Waits
The Gym Practices
Table Tennis
Death of a Fish
The White Christmas Tree
Aaron
FatboyNowslim
The Autographs
The Picks
The Losing of Picks
The Breaking of Strings
Tuning
Deodorant
PMI
Last Minute Practices
In Flames
Encounter Zone
Wafi
Piercings
Going Deaf
Buzzing in the Ear
Facebook
The Decline of Blogs
Topper
Sathya
Harish's Garlic
The Fights Against Wajid and Amrit
Hope
The New Thursday Scheme : House T-Shirts
City Centre
Krispy Kreme
Hot Wings
New York Fries
The Six-Sided Polygon
Maggi Noodles
The Kapil Khronicles (Putting random stuff on Kapil's desk and watching what he does with it. He kicks it behind doors, sometimes keeps them, sometimes throws it off his desk.)
Hurdles
Paan
Mr. Rodericks
Sharon Ma'am
Children's Day
Teacher's Day
Robotics
The Three Hoteteers
Sonu
Wellington
The Return to Wellington
Miles Perry
New Friends
Sleeping on the Roads
Randomness in and around SK's and Nishant's Place
Montoon
Jenny
Dandiya Dhamaka
Clowns Constumes
New Drums
Jumeirah Beach Park
Confessions
Random Jams
Shaun's Place
The 12th Graders
Delzeen's Party
Slushie
Cotton Candy Ice Cream
Crunchy Shakes
Chicken Dance
Songs
Regret
The End of 2007
The Farewell
Sleepovers
The End of Lunch Predictions
More Sleepless Nights
Tears
Flying Time
Countdown to Extinction
Broken Plans : Walkco.
Swimming Across The Sea
Keeping your Mind Occupied
Falling Down While Crossing the Road
Sharks
Prelim Preparation (Failed)
Broken Plans : The Schmizel Tour
December 31st
Another Sleepless Night
I
Will
Miss
You
2007

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That's all I can think of right now. This was done with Shaun, so there are things not related to me. Tell me if I've forgotten anything. Please. Bye 2007. The next post soon.
PS. This is the 50th Post of Hours.