YOUR LOLA LIFELINE!

THE COLUMN THAT GIVES YOU, DEAR READERS, LOLA POWER!
Well, dear readers, it’s the first Wednesday of the month and that can only mean one thing: YOUR LOLA LIFELINE! And my postbag is full to bursting with queries and dilemmas from so many of you! And, as usual, I’ve picked out the most urgent and pressing in order to pass on my profound thoughts!

First up, a query from my puppy-nephew, Alfie (below).


1. And so back to Alfie whom my dear regular readers will recognize from my earlier post of JUNE 16 when I had a long chat with him about his future.

Alfie’s ambition, you will recall, is to leave an indelible mark on society, something that will go down in history. He wants to grow up to become a crook. But not a minor league crook, you understand. But rather a real HOODLUM! He turned down all my earlier career suggestions (mugger of old people, bag snatcher, cowboy roof builder, hedge fund trainee, call centre robot, working for a Chinese Triad) before jumping at the final one. To become a Member of Parliament, The British Parliament (below).

Now, however, having had some time to reflect on his decision, he’s concerned he won’t be able to achieve his ambition of attaining rock star, iconic status as a crook because of the damage to their reputation wrought by British MPs over their expenses scandals. In other words, Alfie is concerned he’ll just be ignored ("dissed" in Alfie’s words - he watches too much television) and all the new, ingenious crimes and scams he’s planning will simply go unrecognized, underestimated and undervalued by a disgusted and indifferent public.

Dear Alfie,
You really have NOTHING to fear since, to make a really noticeable and lasting impact on society (which is your stated aim), you only need to convince a relatively small number of people of your criminal talent as a conman. After all, it was former President, George W Bush (above) who merrily quipped "You can fool some of the people all the time and THOSE are precisely the ones you need to concentrate on!" And George Orwell (below) who said "Political language is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable."

OK! Just checking you’re all still here and paying attention at the back of the class ...*wink*
So there, Alfie! Good luck and every success in your chosen career! You should go far, very far, young man!!

Dear readers, that’s my advice to Alfie. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for him?

And now another question from Sir Fred Goodwhine, Scotland (above):

2. Dear Lola,
I’ve read about so many celebrities jetting off this summer to some luxury resort in the South Pacific or the Maldives! And I’m SO envious! Because of the credit crunch I’ve lost my job and so, for the first time ever, won’t be going away this year. Am I wrong to be envious? Please advise.

Dear Sir Fred,
You should not feel in the least bit envious! There’s a myth that we’re somehow better off because of all the choice and luxury available now. But you don’t need all that! Why pay shedloads of cash just to sit on a bare floor in a barely furnished villa on some exclusive, lonely, faraway island? Where there’s no internet connection, no books, no communication, no blogpals, nada. All those posh resorts are doing is SIMULATING NATURE when, for a lot less, you can go out and get it for REAL! There’s nothing more beautiful than walking down an empty beach at sunset. And, in your straightened circumstances, Sir Fred, you’d be advised to choose that over 5-star luxury every time! (Incidentally, summer is the worst time to visit the Maldives - it’s the wet season!)

Dear readers, that’s my advice to Sir Fred. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for him?

And lastly, my dear readers, a letter from Suha who lives in Tower Hamlets, London.

3. Dear Lola,
I’ve just moved to the UK and would like my daughter to go to a particular, high-achieving faith school since she needs extra scholastic help and all our local schools are failing. However, we can’t afford to move into its catchment area nor can we pretend we live there at an accommodation address like the mother recently arrested for falsifying her daughter’s application. The school operates an entrance bursary but my daughter isn’t clever enough to win one. Is she doomed to the local sink school? What do you advise?

Dear Suha,
Yes, I see your dilemma. You can’t move nor can you use an accommodation address. Your only solution is for your daughter to gain access to the school through its bursary system. But she’ll fail, I hear you cry! Well, I’ve had a close look at the photo you enclosed of your daughter and yourself and two ‘sisters’ of such similar ages have I rarely seen! So off you go, take the entrance exam and good luck to your daughter at her new school!

And welcome, Suha, to modern Britain! A place where MPs and Peers of the Realm rob the public blind and walk away scot-free but where mothers who falsify a school application for the sake of their children’s education and future could face a year in prison. The public must envy ALI BABA, who had only 40 thieves! Perhaps Spielberg could even turn the whole sorry saga into a film SWINDLERS LIST?

Dear readers, that’s my advice to Suha. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for her?

Well, mes chers lecteurs, sadly that’s all we have time for today! But remember, if you have any problems or queries you’d like me to respond to (dealt with anonymously if preferred), don’t hesitate to let me know (or my useless PA, Nora) in the COMMENTS BOX BELOW! However weird, outlandish, insoluble it may seem, I’ll have an answer to that Desperate Dilemma of yours! So why hesitate any longer? Go on! Write to me, Agony Aunt to the Stars, in the comments box NOW! And remember, YOUR LOLA LIFELINE! - your lifeline to a saner, more harmonious, beauteous world. Just like mine in fact!

And now I’m going to creep back to my basket for my beauty sleep (yawn), but do help yourselves, my dear readers, to coffee and macaroons on your way out! Oh, and do please close that door quietly... still recovering from last weekend’s party hangover! Nora, where’s that double expresso I asked for hours ago? (snore)

XX LOL LOLA:)

YOUR LOLA LIFELINE!

THE COLUMN THAT GIVES YOU, DEAR READERS,LOLA POWER!

The first query out of my bulging postbag this week comes from the Magnificent Mme Moonspinner at DUSTJACKET ATTICwho has admitted in the past to a slight touch of shyness. And so here’s my advice!

ONE OF THOSE DREADFUL PIRATES!

1. Dear Mme Moonspinner,
If you haven’t booked that summer vacation yet, I have just the ticket. Literally! A pirate cruise! Now, I don’t mean one of those dreadfully drunken-walking-the-gang-plank type affairs (above)! But a REAL pirate cruise! Wealthy Russian holidaymakers, you see, are paying up to £3,500 (US $5,000) a day for so-called "pirate cruises" in luxury liners off the Somali coast! They are given weapons and, though ‘protected’ by crack troops, are encouraged to open fire should pirates attack!
MME. MOONSPINNER AS SLAVE!!

Now, my dear Mme Moonspinner, imagine yourself on this pirate cruise. And Somali pirates boarding the ship about to attack you! If you don’t make an INSTANT decision and OPEN FIRE, you may well find yourself kidnapped and either sold on as another hostage for the Taliban in Helmand Province or, a far, far worse fate for a self-confessed blogaddict like yourself (remember your BAA Ten Step Plan?), sold on as part of the white slave trade to deepest Africa (above). Far from any internet connection!! Far from your blogpals. Incommunicado! For ever!

Any remaining shyness or reserve you may still have been harbouring, Mme Moonspinner, cured at a stroke! Guaranteed!

Well, my dear readers, that’s my advice to Mme Moonspinner. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for her?
　
And now a query from Hugo Gold-Ingot-ffrench, Cheyne Walk, Chelsea, London:

HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT

2. Dear Lola,
My ambition is to become a British MP. But with all the reforms to the expenses system Gordon Brown is planning, how will I be able to make ends meet on a basic annual salary of £65,000 (US $100,000) plus inflation-linked pension pot plus expenses plus lucrative outside jobs plus unlimited perks?

Dear Hugo,
I’m frankly puzzled why you should want to become an MP. After all, when justifying their income, current MPs continually moan just how arduous the job is and how hard they work. Yet strangely there never seems to be a shortage of applicants for this terrifying job whenever a vacancy arises! But you seem set on your plan, Hugo, so here’s my advice.
EU PARLIAMENT, BRUSSELS

Lola’s advice:
Now that the House of Commons gravy train is running into a siding (where profiting tax free from the sale of a property partly funded by the taxpayer or designating it as a second home immediately before renovating it - not just once, but several times - isn’t "breaking the rules"), why not hop aboard the EU gravy train and become an MEP in Brussels (above)? After all, one of the UK’s average, not particularly career-minded MEPs recently channelled through a family firm more than £400,000 (US $600,000) of his "expenses"! Just think, Hugo, what an ambitious man like YOU might be able to achieve!

Well, my dear readers, that’s my advice to Hugo. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for him?

And last but not least, a query from George from LA, California:

GEORGE, LA

Oops! My PA, Nora’s screwed up again! Now back to OUR George:

3. Dear Lola,
My dream is to go on The Apprentice TV Show but I’m shy, suffer from low self-esteem and have little self confidence. Donald Trump (below) or Sir Alan Sugar would make mincemeat out of me! My wife doesn’t help either as she’s always bossing me about. In fact, I’m just a doormat she simply tramples on! Should I just forget my dream? What do you advise?
DONALD TRUMP!

Dear George,
No, don’t forget your dream, just forget your wife! First, divorce her. Next watch one TV series (one will be enough) of Gordon Ramsay’s Hell’s Kitchen (below). He’s a master at what he does and, in no time at all, you too will have a black belt in the art of foul-mouthed aggression. Congratulations!
GEORGE, YOUR ROLE MODEL!

Dear readers, that’s my advice to George. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for him?

Well, mes chers lecteurs, sadly that’s all we have time for today! But remember, if you have any problems or queries you’d like me to respond to (dealt with anonymously if preferred), don’t hesitate to let me know (or my PA, Nora) in the COMMENTS BOX BELOW! However weird, outlandish, insoluble it may seem, I’ll have an answer to that Desperate Dilemma of yours! So why hesitate any longer? Go on! Write to me, Agony Aunt to the Stars, in the comments box NOW!

And remember, YOUR LOLA LIFELINE! - your lifeline to a saner, more harmonious, beauteous world. Just like mine in fact!

xx LOL LOLA:)

BEAUTY & THE BEAST (OR: A MASTER CLASS IN CORRUPTION)

In a comment about the previous post where I mentioned Spain’s serious economic difficulties, Charley Circus, author of the great blog, So Lovely, observed how one-sided a country’s news reporting can be. And this got me thinking. About all the stories here in Andalucia, for instance, that would hardly make it into the Spanish national press, let alone The LA Times or The Times (of London).

One recent local story stands out in particular since it highlights Marbella’s recent murky past. (A sunny place for shady people perhaps, to quote Somerset Maugham.) A litter bin (no, a skip) filled to overflowing with corruption scandals which the authorities, to be fair, are doing their best to eradicate. Though not enough in the opinion of a good friend of mine, Isabella, an English lawyer who’s been here over fifteen years and still deals with instances of corruption and bribery. In her view, it will take another generation for corruption to be the exception rather than the norm. When today’s youth comes of age in an environment when bribes and backhanders are no longer seen as the sine qua non of the Harvard Business School (Spain) model.

‘Spanish customs and practices’ is an oft used axiom - could equally well describe the operation of the UK’s ‘gentlemen’s club’ parliamentary expenses system - and here in Andalucia we are reminded of it every time we hear that a former mayor/councillor is remanded in custody/ released on bail/ comes to trial/comes to the public’s notice in some form or other.

And I was immediately reminded of it again when I heard that the former Mayor of Marbella, Julián Muñoz (above), who is not only currently serving a prison sentence, with day release privileges, for town planning crimes but still faces another 50 court cases on various counts including the so-called 'Malaya' case, is to give a guest appearance at a Madrid University Summer Course to talk about… Yes, you guessed right - "Corruption"…

It was the ‘Malaya’ case, in fact, that brought Muñoz, my chosen beast, to universal notice amid allegations of money laundering, property development offences, including building on land protected from development, manipulation of public tenders, the acceptance of bribes as well as schemes to alter the price of municipal services. Police seized, incidentally, more than €45,000 in CASH from the home of Muñoz's girlfriend, the singer Isabel Pantoja, which she claimed were for "household expenses". Which by comparison makes moats and duck islands seem pretty small fry… Hmm

So, let’s just imagine Muñoz - former waiter and chauffeur - sitting down and putting together some of the main bullet points for his inaugural lecture entitled:

The Muñoz Master Class in Corruption:

• Fings wot I done (and got away with)



• Fings wot I didnt get done (but would ave if I hadnt got nicked)



• Fings wot worked (and made me shedloads of dosh)



• Fings wot didnt work (couldnt make enough dosh out of 'em)



• Fings wot I saw (and should have turned a blind eye to)



• Fings wot I didn’t see (and wish now I had)



• Fings wot I said (and were lies)



• Fings wot I didnt say (but were lies anyway)



• Fings wot I wish Id said (and might’ve kept me out of all this ****)



• Fings wot I wish I hadnt said (but landed me in all this **** anyway)



• Fings wot I would do again (now I knows not what to do)



• Fings wot I wouldnt do again (now I knows they ******* won’t ******* work)
  

Signed X (Julián Muñoz), Marbella, 22 May 2009

The course director, Juan Luis Galiacho, who approved the proposal put forward by one of the lecturers, pointed out that the course is an "open forum" and "Muñoz can say what he likes ...Besides, he is not being paid to come".

And what about Muñoz himself? Asked about the course, he neither confirmed nor denied his intentions but remarked - ironically - that he never gets paid. (This from a self-made multi-millionaire. Millions made by himself - from corruption.)

Interestingly other speakers on the same subject of corruption include Spain’s Ombudsman, the Attorney General, a Cardinal, several politicians and the very judge who jailed the late, former mayor, Jesús Gil, the tip of Marbella’s corruption iceberg.

And what, you ask, is the beauty of the title? Here in Andalucia, mid-May is the season of one of the most beautiful flowering trees I know. The jacaranda. The gorgeous flowers only last for a week or so but what beauty! And what a contrast to the dirty, devious, disgusting dealings of my beast, Muñoz.

NB. Julián Muñoz wants it to be known that he offers his services as Guest Speaker (Specialist Subject: "Corruption or How To Con All The Punters All The Time") on the world business leaders’ circuit following in the footsteps of Blair and Clinton. For further details of other services available from 3 M (Muñoz MoneyMaking Machine Inc), apply directly to Julián himself to whom all moneys from whatever source (no questions asked) should be sent and by whom no reasonable offers (except from Nigeria) will be refused.
　

GIVING BIRTH - AND BECOMING A JUNKIE!

Those of you who’ve survived the trek through the unkempt undergrowth of previous posts (fortified by numerous St Bernards and assorted hip flasks), will know I like Andalusia. On the whole.

You may recall, I reluctantly left the various treasures and pleasures of London to join P who adores Andalusia. (To paraphrase Graham Greene, I’ll call him the ‘Quiet Andalusian’ - a blatantly glaring oxymoron given the cacophonous volubility of new friends and neighbours.)

So here, then, I found myself - far from family, friends and civilisation - living seemingly in isolation on the edge of Europe and sanity! And so too was born this blog (and fatal addiction - blogging now almost a default way of life), Life on the Edge - geographically and psychologically…

I mention above I like Andalusia on the whole. Why the qualification? Well, much as there is to admire here - the people, the less-premature-early-death lifestyle and obviously the climate - there’s one fact that doesn’t rock my boat. Namely corruption. Specifically the brand practised by our local officials.
.
In fact, anyone perusing British newspapers this past year won’t have failed to notice headlines bemoaning the illegalities and underlying corruption formerly (and still?) endemic in certain sections of Spanish life. Something I’ve written about at length in countless earlier posts with reference to the never-ending trials in Andalusia in general, Marbella in particular.

But that’s all changed! Not the corruption, you understand. But the targets of all those lengthy criminal investigations. Now it’s not just local officials that have been fingered by the police but the POLICE themselves!

It’s just been reported in the local press that a chief inspector, an assistant chief inspector and two officers with the National Police force and a civil guard are to be tried in nearby Ronda for, yes, you guessed… corruption. All are accused of turning a blind eye to the activities of three brothels in the town in exchange for sexual favours and, on some occasions, money from the foreign women (Russians, Albanians, Bulgarians) who worked in them. Also to go on trial are five others including not only the managers of the brothels but a local judge’s ex boyfriend!

The officers themselves are accused of, amongst other felonies, bribery, money laundering, sexual abuse while in public service, failure to follow up crimes, trafficking, favouring prostitution and so on…

All in all, a fair cop, gov?

FOOTNOTE: Must break off now - having Spanish friends to lunch and afternoon tea. P’s doing the lunch bit (quite nifty with the spatula is P) and I’ve been put (by him) in charge of the tea thingie. Problem is I’ve never baked hot cross buns before. To be honest, never baked much before - but he doesn’t know that. Will by the end of the day.

Next instalment of Kitchen Nightmares exclusively on this site (don’t tell Gordon - I’ve met him and though he was perfectly charming, nonetheless still frightens me to death...)

JESUS & THE COSTA DEL CORRUPTION - PART 3

Yesterday Jesús was fuming in class - again.

Spread out in front of him was a clutch of local newspapers on which his gaze was riveted. We’d come prepared to talk about the pros and cons of the mass media in general but Jesús seemingly only had eyes for the print media.

What especially incensed him, he explained eventually, was the news item on page one of all the papers depicting the release from prison on €150,000 bail of the smiling former Estepona mayor, Antonio Barrientos, and three other suspects in the so-called Astapa property corruption case.

It was then we remembered that it was in Estepona that Jesús, himself, was the victim of an off-plan property swindle with no apartment to show for all his early-stage payments.

"Just read what he - Antonio Barrientos - says to reporters when he’s released," fumed Jesús pointing to all the lead articles. "Let’s discuss this in class today - it’s far more relevant and topical."

None of us could disagree with that as we each grabbed a paper and started reading Barrientos's inspirational thoughts.

"This is an emotional moment for me. Men can’t be men if they are not free. I have a feeling of inner peace and a clear conscience, which is my greatest asset. I have always worked in the interests of the town as mayor and I hope that the case against me will be cleared up once and for all."

Barrientos, Jesús reminded us, had been in prison for six months and is accused of bribery, money laundering and misappropriation of public funds in the Astapa scandal uncovered in June. The investigating judge Isabel Conejo considered him to be the brains behind the corruption at the Town Hall, which involved "obtaining funds from businesspeople and developers to finance both public and private projects".

It was Barrientos’s final words to reporters, however, that stuck in Jesús’s throat. "A lot of decent, honest people have been implicated unfairly", the former mayor commented.

"Yes, and I’m one of them…" responded Jesús.

JESUS GIL & PRIME SUSPECT 1

Spain, no stranger to dubious dealings, has been shocked and shamed as Marbella’s former planning mastermind, the right-hand man of the city’s notorious late mayor Jesús Gil, is currently on trial for the country's most outrageous property corruption scandal. Eighty-six members of Marbella's power elite, including two former mayors, are accused of embezzlement on an unparalled scale.

The alleged supremo is Juan Antonio Roca (pictured), accused of taking bribes from builders and, in turn, bribing councillors to approve illegal property developments. Police seized almost €1m in cash at his lawyer’s home.

Once an unemployed builder, Roca allegedly gave the former mayor Marisol Yague €1.3m in bankhanders, passed to her in plain envelopes, financing a facelift and home improvements worth €950,000. The deputy mayor, Isabel Marcos, had €360,000 in cash at her home, while Mr Roca built up an art collection valued at €30m, including a Miro, all on display in his steaming Jacuzzi! And when prosecutors investigated 18 shell companies registered in tax havens worldwide to launder his dirty money, they didn’t uncover a single legitimate business deal.

Roca's rise from rags to riches began in 1991, when he became the henchman-cum-protégé of Jesus Gil, the flamboyant property developer, football club owner and mayor of Marbella who presided over the resort like a mafia boss.

Roca thereafter built up a €120m fortune, according to the 450-page indictment handed down by Judge Miguel Angel Torres, derived from the greed and excess of Spain's long property boom. Town halls throughout Spain found themselves embroiled in the tide of illegality, but the utter outrageousness of the Marbella scandal eclipsed them all.

Last year the government dismissed the entire council and introduced a management committee pending local elections this May. Meanwhile revelations about Roca's sheer baroque excesses continue to stun and shame...