Dating Mistakes, or So I’m Told

Posted by Sappho on October 24th, 2009 filed in Sexuality

Back in the dark ages, when dinosaurs roamed the earth and I was young and single, the world was still retrograde and unfeminist enough that older women would sometimes caution younger ones not to make the first move. Don’t ask a guy on a date; wait for him to ask you. Don’t call him on the phone; sit by the phone until he calls (in the Jurassic Era, we didn’t yet have cell phones).

Now, though, we’re modern and enlightened, and so Jag Carrao, dating and relationship coach, has brand new advice for you, about dating mistakes to avoid:

Dating Mistake #1: Approaching Him First…. Quick Fix: If you talked him first or even asked him out, you can try to restore some of the feminine mystique and you forfeited as the initiator by being a bit more elusive….

Yes, that’s right, in the new, enlightened, modern twenty-first century, it’s now not only forbidden to ask the guy out; even talking to him first may doom you. What should I be doing instead, you may well ask. Simple.

Look approachable and friendly – that’s all the encouragement your future (adoring) husband needs.

Looking approachable and friendly and sending out telepathic “notice me” rays always works. Because it’s ever so easy for the guys you actually want to tell that you’re looking approachable and friendly for them, and for the guys you don’t want to know that “approachable and friendly” really means “get lost, and stay out of the way, so that the guy I really want will be able to see just how approachable and friendly I look.”

Dating Mistake #2: Acting overly chummy. You’ve just met the guy and you’re telling him about the back-stabber in your office, the fight you had with your sister, the details of your recent root canal. Yuck! During the first few dates, the man is still essentially a stranger.

Maybe so, but if he’s still too much of a stranger to hear anything “chummy” about my life, I sure hope he also considers himself too much of a stranger to sleep with me, because avoiding “chumminess” with anyone I’m already sleeping with sounds like way too much of a drag.

On the other hand, I poured my heart out to my husband about my dead boy friend, on our first date, and somehow he was still willing to marry me. So there’s hope yet for the overly chummy.

Recognize that the more you talk about yourself, the less you’ll be listening … remember that you are not there to audition, but to relax and have a good time.

Because being really careful to keep your mouth shut and just listen is ever so relaxing.

Dating Mistake #3: Accepting last minute dates.

Actually, the “call me in advance rather than expecting me to change plans at the last minute” rule is the one rule of hers I think I could stand going by, so I’ll resist snark here.

Dating Mistake #4: Jumping into a “whirlwind romance.” … Quick Fix: You need to start pacing the relationship. Don’t see him more than once or twice a week, don’t talk more than ten minutes on the phone.

Restricting yourself to no more than ten minutes on the phone is extremely relaxing, a great way to get comfortable with a new friend. It’s even better if you remember, per the helpful hint above, to spend most of those ten minutes listening to him, and reserve, oh, maybe just a minute or so of the ten for talking about yourself.

Dating Mistake #5: Wasting Time…. Quick Fix: Know what you want – and believe you deserve it. If you want to get married but the guy you’ve been dating for over a year still isn’t sure, set a time limit of how long you’re willing to wait then stick to it. Once D-Day (decision day) arrives, and he’s still waffling, then move on….

Am I allowed to let the guy know I want to marry him before moving on, or is this another of those cases where I need to trust in the universe and look friendly and approachable, and eventually someone I like will ask before my deadline?

Seriously, though, all snark aside, do you know why I think Jag Carrao encounters these “dating mistakes” over and over, as she says, in women who are unhappy that their men won’t commit? Because most actual relationships, whether good or bad, involve mutual approaches, people getting excited enough about each other to share confidences, maybe talk, even early on, for more than ten minutes, and show a certain spontaneity. So, if you question the woman enough, you can always prove that it’s All Her Fault because she broke the Rules. And the same, actually, for men, since most people, male or female, don’t live with any degree of consistency according to rules that carefully calculate their pacing for maximum control of the opposite sex. And it’s a good thing we don’t.