Wordless Wednesday - My wordless week.

After work strolls

Sandy snozzes

Cheerful chickens at breakfast

Walking round the work walled garden

Work garden, potager

Stolen phones

50th birthday pavlovas

Weather to sit out in

Not blue

143 nepeta cuttings rehomed

Flower dog

Weather turns...

Visitors

Cafe chickens

Crail exploring

No touching

Wet days

First elderflower cordial batch brewing

Roses at work, amazing smell

'What NOT to grow' - the perfect pitch for my debut book.

You'll be glad to hear, once I move, I've decided to write a book. I think I'll do this whilst I acclimatise to 'clement' weather and the novelty of things growing upright,  I think, I might call it

 

'What not to grow'.

A kind of technical manual of everything that can and often DOES actually happen when you try and grow your own food. You know a kind of 'tricks of the trade' type of thing, to get folks really in the know. No glossy images of abundant produce and me swooshing about in a frock looking ravenous. Heaven forbid, it will just be a candid catalogue of the usual disasters, sorry I mean adventures, which happen to us all when we embark on growing our own food.

The gritty gripping facts and handy hints, like......

• Soil management and crop rotation, a holistic approach to chasing vegetables around your plots in order to keep them in tip top shape. Kinda like suduko or noughts and crosses, but for veggies.

• Help with seed buying addictions and where to source 'unusual things' on the QT. How everybody does it, and how to effectively hide your seed mountain.

• The best way to label absolutely everything before the writing fades from the indelible pens or your loved ones gather them up and give you them back in case you forgot/dropped them, out there in the soil.

• How to precisely schedule growing far too many types of tasty things to fit in your plots and how to help your partner to plan your holiday just as they're all really needing attention.

• Shallots, how to avoid growing as many ever again, whilst they're pretty, they're darn hard to peel. Buy onion sets next year or good places to find a more willing chef for your homestead.

• How to get the best of your indeterminate tomatoes before they strangle you and turn your greenhouse into sleeping beauties palace and other impenetrable varieties recommended for the new greenhouse and polytunnel owner.

• Dealing with over enthusiastic courgettes, from first fruit emergence to, oh no, now they're marrows. And, what to do when people don't let you in their houses with your plentiful harvests ever again.

• Trying to capture beetroots before they bolt, the use of chicken wire and home made battery chargers to coax them into staying and growing into plump beets instead of purple string.

• Keeping coriander alive - myth or legend, do those flat plump leaves you've heard of actually exist when feathery foliage is all your plants will produce before they rampage to seed.

• Raising runner beans and other legumes for gastropods - snail fodder extraordinaire or the stuff of slug feasting legends. Coaxing these shy single footed gorgeous creatures into your plots forever and keeping them happy.

• Growing a diverse variety of brassicas in order to improve the butterfly and caterpillar diversity in your patch.

• Filling your wheelbarrow sufficiently to ensure you topple over in front of an audience. Always best done when clean and just popping out for five minutes before you leave for somewhere posh. Or with very smelly/wet (or both) stuff in the barrow for maximum effect.

• Dealing with potatoes, a guide to the best varieties for blights, scabs, droughts and keeled slugs - what to really hope for when you decide to grow acres this noble tuber.

• Lettuces and salad crops for the discerning rabbit and pigeon. Making sure you get it right for your fluffy and feathered friends.

• Raising carrot fly - why umbels is the perfect fodder for anything flying below 18 inches and tips on attracting, just the right cankers.

• Choosing the right varieties of peas for mice, voles and shrews and when to sow them as their families have just expanded to ensure a good take up of the seed bed.

• Biomass from turnips (Swedish and traditional), how to turn these handy roots into wood fit for a biomass generator or home wood stove in three easy steps from sowing to sawing.

• Persisting with parsnips and parsley - shy seeds or just canny germinators. Playing the perfect game of hide and seek with hard to germinate seeds, a game of steel nerves and patience.

• Growing the perfect berries to both serrate your skin and colour your hands and the entire kitchen and all tea towels colanders and implements nearby, various shades of pink, purple and red.

• Storing your produce and how to build walls and whole villages out of the ones which worked and you more than likely are sick of the most, post harvest.

• How to knit with spinach and other leafy veggies - there's only so much a person can actually eat.

• Training your dog and children and local cats to use your raised beds for dancing as a soil improving technique.

• Swiss chard, great for home grown kids crayons, better than eating the tasty soap filled stems.

• Setting the polarity of your greenhouse and cold frames up just right to attract balls and other low flying objects.

• Losing tools, how best to hide your favourite items mere minutes before you need them. With an additional optional supplement on the best techniques to tangle yourself in a pea net, tying yourself up in garden twine and several handy methods to safely let your family and loved ones blunt your secateurs just before pruning fruit bushes.

• And my personal favourite, how NOT to water. A guide to bathing yourself against your will in public with icy cold water. NB most often practised at the start of the day, to ensure full saturation and osmosis.

 

I really think I'm onto something. But too many chapters you think, maybe a series.........?

 

 

Obviously I'll self publish, best keep those royalties to myself.

 

Watch out JK.

 

(Or perhaps I really should hang up my teaching trowel as another semester starts, I fear I've become a little cynical.)

Stalking snowdrops, wild neeps and other extreme horticultural activities.

In exciting news today after the torture of physio on my poor leg, I was given the heads up to walk 'off road' and even get out on my bike again on flat surfaces. Yay. We (the mutts and I) celebrated with a long clifftop walk and a scamp around the headland beside the Broch o' Gurness towards Tingwall, re continuing the attempt at walking the entire Orkney coast. 

 

And, in celebration of the newly freed leg, the sun shone. It knew it was a good day. The Peedie pup watched the Broch in case any local archaeology tried anything sneaky. There's so much archaeology here in Orkney, we do think it multiplies when no ones watching. With this in mind, when near to old stones and habitations, he keeps a canny eye.

 

When about to embark on leaving the local surgery, prior to the actual off road 'scampage' the lovely physio asked me if I indulged in many 'extreme' activities aside when breaking myself skiing.

 

I thought long and hard. Best to be honest I think.

 

Well, I said, I do like to sometimes grow vegetables WITH flowers, in gardening terms that can be quite EXTREME in some peoples views. She looked perplexed, so I continued, considering her to be really interested........ I'm thinking of how to grow perennials, herbs and veggies in containers this year to mix things up a bit in my small space. She looked more than a bit confused.

 

She clearly was NOT a vegetable gardener, so I thought I'd appeal to her creative flowery side as I like to grow both flowers and veggies. I'm very inclusive like that.

So I also confessed I've currently been stalking local snowdrops this week, as they're just coming out. But haven't climbed any (many!) walls yet, I said, you know until my leg was a bit better, as I didn't want to slip in the snow.

 

Well with snow drops you often need a better look OVER peoples garden walls (and to be fair I'm a bit short).......so when stalking other folks gardens I find I often need to scale tall buildings or at least the odd peedie dyke...........which can be a bit tricky in the current snow/sun/gales/snow/sun kind of weather we've been having lately.

 

She didn't look impressed at all, not that I think she doesn't like snowdrops, but, no wall climbing I was told. Gentle exercise only, no attempts at kneeling either, nothing extreme.  To be honest I don't find ANY exercise very gentle and currently I find kneeling highly overrated, it hurts.

 

So, I got my coat, not that it was needed today as it was gorgeous and headed straight to the beach, extreme gardening of any form clearly being off the cards for the moment. Thankfully she said nothing about NOT climbing fences, beside cliffs, to get photos of wild Orkney neeps, still in hibernation, beside the sea. The sheep on the hilltop keep a canny watch, hiding under their towering wind turbines.

Gardening or snowdrop or wild Orkney neep stalking, it would seem, isn't an extreme activity in some peoples eyes. Hopefully I'll get my wall climbing pass back soon, plenty more snow drops to find.

 

As for the wild neep stalking over fences, we'll just keep between us. They, (the fences) were more than a bit shoogly (wobbly) to be telling the nice lady physio about. I don't want my fence climbing pass taken away too.

 

Nice field of wild Orkney neeps though, basking in the February sunshine, languishing dormant before they head off north to Sweden on their annual pilgrimage back to the homelands for annual ritual of self seeding...........

 

 

 

 

 

The Recycled Gardener.

Last years spring show of colour.....in a recycled container.

I'm what you might call, a bit jammy. Whilst I've not much in the way of garden space at the new cosy cottage, I have more than my fair share in the various places I work. So I can keep my hand in, and like today, spend an hour or two after my 'shift' pottering about with plants in our local composting and recycling garden at work. In line with all things exciting to promote recycling, at my 'main' job we try and find all sorts of way of using up containers and materials to inspire folks to recycle more. The case in hand above a lovely 'alpine' garden in a lovely  recycled container, in this case an old 'bidet'. I think its quite lovely. And, we sell 'recycled' plants, pots and seeds too.

Old bidet, new planter - old sinks, bidets and toilets make 'interesting' recycled garden planters.

Setting off these alpines and some 'Tete-a-tete' miniature daffodils quite nicely.

Daffodil 'Tete-a-Tete' in a recycled planter

Very cheerful and quite lovely recycling too. Given we're a community based recycling charity maybe you'll not be surprised that all the plants here were donations, given by those supporting our local project - so whilst we had many to sell on in pots (also donated) we like to demonstrate what they might look like in situ. A perfect combination of early spring flowering and early summer alpines (alpine strawberries, lady's mantle, thrift) and a nice purple toad flax giving a bit of height at the back later in the summer.  In the winter though, its a different story, whilst the recycled bidet looks great - there's not much in the way of inspired planting going on.

Recycled bidet container garden, perfect for alpines. Currently sleeping. Pop back in March.

At the moment there's not much in the way of colour going on - I think I must try and find something nice to pop in there, perhaps a wee primula. I'd hoped the daffies would be up by now, but alas they are very conspicuous by their absence! (And, I've looked...) Unlike the impatient alliums (Allium hollandicum 'Purple Sensation') who are up and nosing about in the remnants of the curly parsley and dropped nasturtium seeds.

Alliums and parsley ready for the off.

I'm sorry chaps but you're up a bit early. As for the daffies - well being the impatient type I am, I investigated some of the old pots of them beside the planter. And, sure enough - they're there but not up yet........still sleeping lazy monkeys. I didn't disturb them for long, they're tucked back up in a recycled pot for now.

I should really let sleeping daffodils lie in peace.

And so, here's a thought - for all us gardeners out there about to tackle dusty compost bags, sheds full of pot infestations which might attack us at any moment. For those of us with far too many seeds and far too many herbaceous perennials ready to split up......I'm proud to say our local community recycling centre accepts plants, pots, seeds, trays, compost bags, bulbs, vegetables, shrubs, trees and any gardening equipment. What about your local places?

 

I know that we'll soon be putting out an appeal for spring cleaning gardeners to think about us, and rather than compost extra plants, or put all those pots to the skip - why not hand them in here (or at a local place where you live). Many community groups can find the labour to split up plants, pot up strays and sift through seeds, making these available to the public and perhaps inspiring a few with wacky planters, or offering advice and engaging with the public in fun and exciting ways.

 

Who knows what might happen - like here - bidets turned into elegant alpine planters. Or one man band drums -

An old, worn one man band drumkit - full of holes, the perfect candidate for a bit of garden recycling

.............. turned into a lovely large container!

Recycled planter from an old drum/one man band.

If you're lucky to have a local community recycling centre like ours, or a community garden - why not pop along and see what they're up to. From self watering strawberries in old milk containers, garlic growing in old barrels or....the perfect small veggie patch....

Recycled planting containers.....

You never know you might just get inspired to look at recycling and reuse in a whole new way..... a novel one we were told about was turning untreated pallets turned into veggie gardens - perfect for a smaller space and limits weeding! So we had a bash at that too.....

Recycled pallet veggie garden.

Maybe, just maybe, you might get inspired, or think, its a bit whacky for my own garden, but that's an interesting use of materials........like recycling bottles for path edges......excellent for curved edges.

Recycled bottles and wood chip for those curvy paths.......

Or tin cans for path edges with recycled hedge woodchip.........

Recycled tins and woodchip for path edging.

So when tidying out the garden shed/greenhouse/seed box - why not think of a local charity or recycling place that might make good use of your extras. You never know what kind of garden mad person might be helping out at your local site (or if they don't have one why not volunteer?). Or if you find a group who knows what inspiring things they're getting up to and how you might be able to help support their work with something as small as a half opened packet of seeds or some old strawberry runners. Those of us who are more conventional, might just pick up a bargain boot load of pots, window boxes or containers if we need them, or let us find a home for our own surplus!

Gardeners are excellent recyclers and often quite inspired to think out the box when using resources......even making viking scarecrows out of old tins.....this one lives at my 'other' job, beside my 'other' work garden. Like I said, I'm jammy - two jobs, two extra gardens to play in.

So when tidying up during these months when the daffies are still sleeping, perhaps you can venture along to your local community group and have a nose at what they're up to.......there might be a home for all those pots you've been hoarding or a bit of inspiration waiting for you.

 

Like I say, I'm jammy I get to work in a garden at work too, means a lot to me when folks offer plants and seeds, pots and support. And, its always nice to hear folks saying, 'Oh I'd never thought about doing that.....' when they see what we're up to.

 

Time for me to stop blethering and leave you all to it.

 

Thanks for taking the time to listen to my waffles, happy gardening and recycling if you manage to find a local group to give a few bits too.  You might just find a 'recycled' gardener to have a yarn to, too and perhaps a few interesting tips along the way.

 

Our local recycling charity has a website here and a pretty active facebook presence here. Feel free to pop by, or 'like' us and see what new and exciting things we'll be getting up to in Spring.

Fantastic Foraging Book - The Thrifty Forager by Alys Fowler

 

Hello, how are you all? I'm utterly giddy and happy - a whole day yesterday with NO wind (or relatively little wind), its Orkney lets not get carried away! What a beautiful day does for the spirits. Anyways - having been mulling this all week - I'm popping a wee recommend on here, for a book I'd heard about and a lovely pal put in the post for me (thank you, you know who you are!), I'll point out right now, I've no arm up my back nor am I being paid for this peedie recommend - honest injun, its just a darn fine book for foodies, gardeners or those starting out or obsessed by food or flower and all you potential/experienced or would be 'food foragers'.

You'll be surprised to hear (or maybe you won't be) that I'm new to foraging - like many I've 'brambled' and scrumped for apples with muddy knees. But, its only been lately I've been more inspired to have a go myself and do a bit of 'Orkney foraging' - my elderflower cordial was my first foray into foraging here - what a success that was which lead to the 'Joy of Jam' - which had local Orkney foraged fruit in it. I'm a convert.

Alys Fowler - now I've read her for a while, having no TV signal here anymore I can't say that I've watched many of her programmes. Those that I've seen I've liked, well done her - she also writes for the Guardian - which I do enjoy. However, for years my dyslexic brain changed her name from Fowler to Flowers and I was thoroughly jealous of her surname. I still very fondly laugh at my own mistake and for years have talked about Ms Flowers in context of her work. Whoops! And, am I of course utterly jealous of a woman who's extremely talented, gorgeously red haired and gardens in my own type of style and have done for years and is very successful - of course I am, I'm a botanical fiend, I'm bound to be jealous (in a nice way)!  But I do admire her work greatly - anyone wanting a Scottish, auburn-ish haired, older, plumper version of her I'm happy to buy a frock or two and get out there with my wellies on! If you need ME get in touch - I'll happily write for any of you, I'm canny to bide my time and I already have rather fine wellies who are very photogenic I'll await your email (!) - and I'm stubborn and happy to wait a peedie while for you to give me my fabulous break, until you do I'll keep a-foraging! I'll pop back into my elder tree now..........

Anyway - back to the book, I looked at it with a purely Scottish and my very pragmatic 'Orkney' botanical head on, lets be fair a lot of the UK written books on plants are written in the context of the more southern climes of the UK - their relevance to Scotland, never mind Orkney, has to be taken with a large pinch of salt, but that's a whole other discussion. This book, is a great read, its entertaining - its funny and its informative. The start of the book contains a great 'confession' to her husband about the looseness of the term 'spinach' in their household - green leafy vegetables in Alys homestead appear to be a very 'wild, green and foraged' - which is brilliance. Who's not told the tiniest of fibs to their family like that? In this household pasta sauces contain a variety of wonderful ingredients from your regular vegetables (tomato, onion etc), to rhubarb (!), courgettes and mushrooms (which my family tell me they hate) and even a few dandelions too (sorry guys). We've all got a trick or two like that up our sleeve haven't we? 

Home made pasta sauce, made with love and a bit of artistic licence and rhubarb!

Back to Alys, her 'how to forage' handy hint page is also fun, with sensible tips - and a good kit list, where to go, where to avoid, what to take and how to collect in a thoughtful manner - anyone who describes foraging as a 'mission', is fabulous in my book. Page 24 is a great set of her own 'rules' for a good sustainable forage, (ask permission, only eat what you know, be respectful and not greedy, or hoard your knowledge of good and be productive). Know your own patch is another good one, if like us you're in a region where some of the more common UK species are rare, be sensible and don't gobble them up and think of others, and that means our wildlife too - they can't pop to the shop for another apple if we pick them all can they? (As Linnew would say, act like your mother would expect you to!)

There's also a few case studies which are very informative too, all very diverse from Norway to America. I love the one about Todmorden 'Incredible, Edible, Todmorden' - what a fab idea - I may even propose something here - there's a new 'community garden' society getting going in my local town and if we had a 'scrumptious stromness' with walks and areas to forage in, how utterly brilliant would that be? They are thinking along those lines anyway - I think I'll show them this book and maybe we'll achieve it?

Digressing again, back to the book - I like the way she writes very much and the second section of the book is the 'Plant Directory' - being a 'planty' person - I went here first of course - 'show me the plants' is my first call looking at any book. I wasn't sure what to expect or how relevant it would be here in Orkney, never mind Scotland - but its brilliant. she uses the simplest of methods to explain what to pick and when, a lovely seasonal calender. I like very much the way she describes the differences in leaf type, having learnt myself from various botanical boffins - I think they could take a 'leaf' (oh dear direly bad botanical joke, I do apologise) out of her book to explain the simple differences between leaves and how to recognise leaves and therefore the plants she describes.  Its incredibly visual - the language is NOT too bogged down in botanical language - its a great aid to those learning or refreshing their leaf lingo. This is followed by a few good pages for the inner chef inside of us all, preserving (jams, jellies, fruit cheeses, leathers and chutneys), wilting greens like our very lovely dandelion (excellent in pasta sauce...!) and a grand wee look at a chums recipe for 'stone soup' - BRILLIANT. 

Onwards to the plants - I was a bit apprehensive - but given Alys's pragmatic approach to gardening and food - and her ethical attitude and sensible head - its just absolutely grand (Orcadian speak for a great big tick and a few gold stars!). It contains 80 very useful, quite easy to find species (to us gardeners and botanists), or if you like 'ingredients' to you foodies/frugaleers out there. The range of plants she recommends is really good - I went through the book with both my Scottish and my 'Orcadian' head on. Its a book that would be pretty useful here - which means in short - its a great book for most folk in the UK, which is probably quite unusual, well done Alys! I have to be honest - there are a handful of species, here in Orkney that quite simply don't exist nor would they survive if in a garden. For example I've a Maiden hair tree (Gingo biloba) in my bathroom - its peedie, in a pot and I'm not expecting nuts from it anytime soon, nor do I expect to see any outdoors here, or a few other species, sorry Alys, but there are Hazels here (albeit a borderline type of plant here) so I'll go a foraging for them instead. Scotland will of course have most of these species, if not all of them. wild, go look if you can! 

The good lady explains the plants really well, its simple but not dumbed down, easy to read and proper language - I wasn't bored - which is a pretty good compliment - a few books like this tend to go one way or the other - they either make it too hard to understand or they make those of us inspired by plants bored by the lack of information. This book does what it says on the tin - it teaches you 'how to live off your local landscape. There is a great guide for 'where to expect to find it', a simple 'how to recognise' and a great explaination of 'what to eat' and if its relevant 'how to sow' (you see you can send a food loving gal 'a-foraging' but you can't take the inner gardener out of the girl!).

Finally the last two pages has a 'resources' section - which is quite informative. I like the way she's up to date and its informative and unbiased. I also love that shes recommending a book by Miles Iriving 'The Foragers Handbook' - its a great book, a really extensive guide Miles was after a very different look for that book, an innovative way to photograph the plants - which is fantastic - but she's right, you'd need another ID guide with it if you're not a botanist. Our department helped with this book, so I'm very fond of it and really chuffed he acknowledged us (at least I can claim, once in my life to have my name in print, if only on the acknowledgement page!), unfortuantely too far to get to the launch of it in London - but thoroughly lovely to be invited!

If you (or your loved one) are not really a 'gardener' and are a cook who wants to be more experimental with 'foraging' or local produce - the books very worth it from that perspective. Basically if you love to cook and eat you'll love this book. If you garden and want to explore more or diversify your skills, (or get your revenge by eating your weeds!) or if you're a foodie who likes a good amble around walking, it can be a really productive walk with these skills. As a bonus you'll get fit and feed your inner foodie for free - or simply if you're living frugally and want another 'frugal skill' to lower the food spends and up your resources - this book really is for you - of all of the great other foraging books out there - this is the ONE, I think, to have on your shelf or in your bag when you're out and about until you find your foragers feet. 

Well, to be fair, that's only my opinion, I'm short, red haired and known to wear an adundance of opinions as well as wellingtons. I have to tell you, I'm actually getting into 'frocks and skirts' inspired by a few folk, including Alys - instead of my rumpled haystack scarecrow look, I may embrace a bit of her style too, so when you meet me in a skirt - don't be too surprised, or fall over, or laugh - but don't despair - the wellies will definitely not be far away, if they're not on my feet.

If you've a food lover in the family, gardener or not - this is the book for them - or if you're a inspired to have a go - its worth borrowing it, before you buy it (priced at £16.99, but it can be found around and about for lower than that, about £10 - get snooping for a bargain!). Once you read it - I think you'll want to buy it. And if you want a chance to have one to drop into your stocking - I've a spare one to giveaway, you're NOT having my copy! But, drop me a wee comment and you'll all get put in a the plant pot and drawn out in a week (18th December)  - but its probably more relevant to you all in the UK, however I'm happy to mail it anywhere - waiting for you here on the trusty, 'vintage' scruffy Orkney chair which I utterly love, as much as this rather fine book!

I'm giving up gardening, becoming a plant detective

OK, its dreich today, grey and 'up and down rain' (i.e. the kind that falls straight to the ground and not our usual 'Ninja rain' which hits you in the face from a sideways angle at 70mph, sideways rain is NOT your friend). Anyway dreich I can cope with its a HUGE improvement on the weather over the past 4 days. A peedie bit windy, look its knocked me over - I'm windswept (a normal look for me) - the local radio had to update things via Facebook as their transmitter was hit by lightening I think, far too windy to hear information properly never mind take anything in properly. I'll let them fill you in.......

'A maximum gust of 130mph was recorded at the wind turbines at Hammars Hill at 6 am on Sunday morning. The highest average windspeed was slightly earlier, and reached 83mph. These windspeeds are equivalent to a Category 1 Hurricane, and are a new record for the site. The previous record was in February this year when winds reached 120mph. The highest 'official' gust last night (recorded near ground level) was 80mph. A breezy old night! Thanks to Richard Gauld of Orkney Sustainable Energy Ltd for the Hammars Hill info.' {thank you Radio Orkney}

OK, during this weather I've decided two things. I'm not cut out for extreme gardening. I think I might give it up and take up far less dangerous like base jumping, down hill moutain biking or alpine ridge skiing or perhaps orienteering without a map.  The latter hobby might come in handy when locating vegetables in the garden from the vegetable patch, as the wind decides where the vegetables will end up. Orienteering skills I feel might be handy here, maybe that should be my new hobby now that I've give up gardening?

For example yesterday - still windy but only gusting at a mere 50mph - I went to survey the damage (can't see out the windows due to the salt mines which are deposited on there so I can't exactly 'see' the garden through glass at the moment.) As I walked through the garden gate at the opposite end of the garden I find the very bonny leaves of my lovely hybrid 'fully hardy' flower sprout - think it  was 'Petit posy'? Anyway, it appeared to take flight here and in my mind, NOT Orkney hardy. But clearly likes to fly and is a good candidate for vegetable orienteering adventures. Another keen hobby I might take up is guess what this use to be............

I think it might have been a winter vegetable garden - but until I've mined my way through the layers of fencing, bits of wood and pathways strewn about the rich brown earth (which now resembles the wind blasted surface of the moon), who can say. 

I'm also going to be a plant pathologist I think, not the kind who look at bugs and diseases, although that would be fun, I think I'll be the kind of plant pathologist or detective who turns up like Inspector Cleuso or the Pink Panther and identifies plants after they've been absurdly abused by the weather or folk who don't look after them. I'd be good at that - looking at a withered stalk and saying 'OK its from the Rosaceae, hmmm, maybe been subjected to 70mph winds, yes of course its ladies mantle.' Maybe wind tunnel experts need my kind of assistance........? I think I'd make a great career at that. 'That plant use to be.............Alchemilla mollis' 

 Hmm, now in this particular 'crime' scene - these plants use to be hardy kale, hardy parsley, leeks, and winter cabbage.

Hmm, now this one a bit trickier - hmmmmm by the looks of it, it use to be a vegetable garden with HARDY kale, HARDY cabbage, winter lettuce (OK I was chancing my luck with that, I hadn't pulled them out yet), winter HARDY cabbage and WINTER leeks (they were the experiment, can they actually survive, I'd pulled the others after a bad gale in September). I'm afraid most of them have had it. You see, I am good at this. I can identify dead and shredded about to be dead vegetables. Its quite an art, I can tell you. However to be fair, I'm quite chuffed, half the fence is still there - which I didn't expect and is a bonus and whilst the wooden path has blown up, it didn't leave the garden, which is also a bonus - a real positive result I think, the gardens actually still there - well most of it, I have lost half the net fence. (I'll add this part of the garden is the most sheltered, surrounded on two sides with a hedge and the other by the house). 

I really do think I might give up outdoor (in my garden) gardening. A nice lawn that's what I need, no silly plants and grass kept nice and short to keep the wind at bay.  Another thing I've decided is that chickens are hardier than I am and far more hardy than so called 'HARDY WINTER VEGETABLE GARDEN'. During all the gales and the ninja rain, they wandered about and stood under the tree.

They are either very hardy and brave, or utterly stupid. I'll leave you to decide that - and don't feel sorry for them huddled under a tree, they have a perfectly bonny, dry, cosy, lovely stone byre to live in full of straw, lovely nesting boxes and ample floor space to play twister if they want too - they prefer huddling under a tree or wandering around the field/yard in hurricane force winds looking for tasty delights. Hardy outdoor free range, Orkney chooks. I am not a hardy Orkney chook, I've giving up the great outdoors for good, or maybe just for a while or I might lie down in it and never get up - now there, a fine plan!

I'm seriously rethinking the garden I may move the whole thing under a polytunnel and read books on the perfect lawn. Did I mention I use hate grass? Oh well, I might change my mind. In the mean time I'm huddled with books on 'pick your new hobby' and tucking into bread and cheese (I don't like cake, or chocolate, bread is my comfort solace food) as I console myself that gardening just isn't for me. NOT in this garden.

More bread please, I'm in mourning.