Two Johns...

John Updike

John Upside-Downdike

Another Ham-Handed Attempt At A Post By Yours Truly...

...starring Mario Lopez:

My Newest Saying...

"Well, you know, it is what it isn't."

Just When You Think Life Can't Get Any Better...

Remember that bitch-bastard of a canker sore that's been tormenting me for what seems like months now? No? Oh, right. I guess I never mentioned it. I don't like to burden you guys with my problems. You all have your own shit to deal with. Well, at any rate, it seems to be gone. I suppose I could have done more to accelerate its demise. I think they do make various salves and potions that alleviate a lot of the pain. Do doctors perform cankerectomies? If they do, it probably costs like 78 million dollars which, in my book, is WAY too expensive. Sure it hurts like a motherfucker, but I have better things to spend my 78 million on, like Hummels and blow.


Edited to add: For the record, this is not my canker. I robbed it off GIS (Google Image Search).

Fuckin' Novak...

By now you're probably all aware that media toad Bob Novak hit a guy with his car and then drove away. Knowing Bob as I do, I can tell you that he is a stubborn bastard. He doesn't have time to be yielding to worthless pedestrians. He's got places to be, motherfuckers!

You know what else Bob doesn't have time for? He doesn't have time to learn how to properly throw a fuckin' frisbee. It's infuriating. So I go over to his house the other day (I just happened to be in Washington, D.C.) and I yell into the mail slot on his front door really loud (he can't hear so good), "Yo, Bobby! I got my disc. Get your ass out here!"

He putzed around for what seemed like forever, then came out in a pair of checkered Umbros and NO shirt (gross!). We walked over to the park, found a big open spot, and started to play. I swear the guy can't make a good throw to save his fucking life! He'd either torpedo it right into the ground or do one of those big arching boomerang-type throws that goes fucking NOWHERE! And when he does, he makes me go and get it even though half the time it's totally closer to him. Then he'll occasionally try some fancy sidearm throw that never works, all the while I'm throwing perfect strikes, one after the other. And don't get me started on his drooling problem.

He's lucky to have friends like me that put up with his bullshit.