The Marmaduke Movie Will Be Out Soon!!!!!...

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm talking fucking Marmaduke, ya'll!
Marma-to-the-fucking-duke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He on a surfboard, for Pete's sake!
And look!
He's wearing fucking sunglasses!

Goddamn, it's gonna be so fucking good.

Please Don't Let It End!...

I wish this campaign cycle could continue indefinitely. I fucking love it. I live on talking points. I put fucking barbecue sauce on 'em and eat the fuckin' things! I want more! I'm insatiable! More Joe The Plumber! More Saks Fifth Avenue shopping sprees! You fuckin' betcha! More "Spread the wealth"! I think we should ditch this whole "voting" business. Fuck it. It requires WAY too much counting. I say we do it like in those contests where a bunch of schmucks try to win a new car by seeing who can keep their hand on it the longest. Make it an endurance contest. Whoever can campaign the longest without either collapsing or going batshit insane from saying the same shit over and over wins. Survival of the fittest, baby!

You Know What We Need More Of In This Country?...

Viagra jokes.

For some reason, no one likes to joke about Viagra. Since it was introduced, people treat it as some sort of comedic sacred cow. "Ooo, no. You can't joke about Viagra. That's serious business!", they say. It is only spoken about in hushed tones and NEVER publicly.

It's odd, too. One would think that a pill that makes old mens' wieners hard for extended periods of time would lend itself to snappy one-liners or the occasional humorous anecdote. Perhaps one day we will get over our societal hang-ups about four-hour wang turgidity and finally learn to laugh.

Thank Heavens We Have Fox News...

They really are looking out for us.

According to this article, Barack Obama may or may not have been discreetly giving the finger to Hillary Clinton.

People, this is HUGE news! If this turns out to be true and he was indeed giving Senator Clinton "the bird", then I think it is safe to say he should not, under any circumstances, be president. I mean, I can forgive a lot, but to use this sort of disgusting profanity is something I cannot and will not tolerate. If this is not THE lead story on every network news show, it will prove once and for all that the media is controlled by godless liberal hippies.

Wait, I Think We Can Fit One More...

This kid really lacks a strong work ethic, don'tcha think?

Our Girl Annie...

Recently I've noticed an upsurge in the amount of stuff being written on the internet--much of it critical--about pundit Ann Coulter. In fact, it seems any schmuck with a keyboard has felt the need to express their outrage regarding recent statements she has made. Frankly, its become pedestrian and I refuse to engage in it. I mean, hasn't this woman suffered enough? So what if she makes claims doubting whether 9-11 widows were really loved by their husbands and questions their right to express their views. You won't hear me complain. And is it really that big a deal that she said she wished the hijacked planes of 9-11 had flown into the offices of The New York Times? I mean, isn't that the way most people feel? You also won't hear me whining about the fact that she wants to go in and bomb Muslim cities and convert them all to Christianity. That's what Jesus taught all those years ago. The fact is, Ann continues to be a lone voice of reason in a world gone mad! Does it really matter that listening to her speak is only slightly less irritating than repeatedly hitting yourself in the groin with a socket wrench? You see, that's the sort of ad hominem garbage I have no interest in. You go get 'em Ann!