2006 Ba-ZOO-ka Baseball

Old packs of Bazooka are fun, but they never have any players I like in them. Based on this indisputable fact, and because each pack comes with a piece of gum that looks as if it were manufactured and packaged by Springbok, we're going to go through this pack and make a comparison between each player/card and a popular brand of chewing gum.

Let's tear in. (Get your jaws ready.)

Top to Bottom:
125 Jorge Posada Blue Parallel (Black Jack. Jorge has proudly worn the black and white of the Bronx Bombers since 1995.)

66 Curt Schilling Gold Parallel (Trident. Not from a fresh pack, mind you, but an eight-year-old piece that your mom finds in the bottom of her purse that has hairs and bits of Kleenex stuck to it. Even this card is creased right down the middle.)

16 of 24 Texas Rangers Cartoon (Bazooka, naturally.)

2 of 12 Checklist featuring Nick Johnson, Paul Konerko, Raul Ibanez, and Todd Helton (Gum from a machine propping open a barber shop door, the profits from which go to the American Foundation for the Blind. Just 'cause you get a whole handful of 'em, don't mean they taste any good. Good luck not swallowing your fillings after their forced removal.)

89 Chris Carpenter (PAL. Those little pieces of PAL gum are the workhorses of the gum industry, just like Carpenter was in 2005. Thirteen straight decisions and a 21-5 record earns him the distinction.)

18 Wily Mo Pena (Chiclets. Just because, señor.)

108 Carl Crawford (Bubble Tape. Emerging star on a new-ish team with flashy, cool logos. Carl Crawford and his 6'2" frame is six feet of Bubble Tape personified.)

14 Mike Sweeney (Extra. Sweeney has only played for the Royals over his 17-year career, except for last year when he was with Oakland. Perhaps that knocks him down to one of the derivative flavors, like Cool Watermelon. Rejoining the Royals to end his career might put him back atop that Peppermint pedestal.)

Make it a point today to gave a good chew.

Topps Bazooka Baseball 2006

I've never ripped a pack of this before. Here we go.

First out is a piece of gum that, even still wrapped, smells pretty good. But it's 2 years old so I think I'll pass.

Top card is #13 Josh Beckett, a blue parallel. I have no idea what that means.



Beckett was awesome in 2007 but has returned to being a pretty average pitcher this year.

Next is #69 David Wright, what I guess they call a gold chunks card. That's what I blow when I eat too much honey.



He's sporting the Michael Jordan tongue.

Comic 7 of 24: Miguel Tejada wins All-Star MVP



How cute.

#21 Justin Verlander. Such a disappointment this year that he doesn't get his card scanned.

#210 Bryan Bullington


He was a rookie here but has done almost nothing in the big leagues.

#20 Tim Hudson



I couldn't scan the front because he's not wearing a hat or helmet.

#200 Justin Morneau



Who knew he'd be the MVP next season? I still think Jeter deserved it more.

#12 Magglio Ordonez - nothing to say about this guy.

Overall, I like this set. The cards have a pleasingly simple design and are printed on lower quality stock than most thick slab cards these days. These cards much more closely resemble what collecting was like 20-30 years ago and are a nice break from all the crazy hoopla.

2006 Topps Bazooka

I took my wife out to supper for her birthday as an early partial present. Though we dined on fine Texas steak and bacon-laden cheese fries, we also went to the local French-inspired shoppe du de'partement. (yeah, okay, so it was Target...)

The non-2008 pickin's were pretty slim (not HIM), but I culled out a 2006 Topps Bazooka pack. The original retail price was $1.99. Target's "bargain" price was $1.59. Does anyone else remember when the "bargain" packs were $.99, then $1.49? I see a trend here...

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Well, all I will say about the wrapper is that is does NOT feature Junior, which is a feat, though I believe most Junior packs are of the Upper Deck variety. The first card out is a "Blue Fortune" Miguel Cabrera (Marlins). He looks like he passed gas but is trying not to let anyone know it was him... Next up is a Gold Chien-Ming Wang (Yankees). Yeap, a Golden Wang. I'll just let that one stand on its own...

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Ah, the third item in the pack is a Bazooka Comic of the Texas Rangers. They've got balls flying all over the place as the headline reads, "Texas rips 260 HRS - 2nd most ever in the AL." Oh, and the witty snippet on the comic itself reads, "They call us the LONG Rangers!" Okay, seriously... The innuendos here are almost too much to bear... Moving along, we find Juan Pierre (Cubs), who is either throwing in a fielded ball, shielding his eyes from the sun (despite wearing shades), or just realized his high school buddies are in the stands. That brings us to Richie Sexon (Mariners). He is demonstrating the proper sighting technique for a long-range sniper rifle. Or maybe it's HIS version of the Babe Ruth "called shot." It's hard to say which.

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The last three cards in the pack include Brad Lige (Astros) who is sporting the classic "Where's your mother?" first demonstrated by Bill Cosby (I tried to find a picture, but instead you'll just have to watch "Himself" on YouTube). Then, we have Ronnie Belliard (Indians!! Go Tribe!). It's an over-the-back shot, looking down as he takes a pitch. Okay, I'll give the photog props for an interesting shot. However, I buy cards to, oh I don't know, maybe SE the players on the cards!? Maybe I am just too 'old skool" now... Finally, Rickie Weeks (Brewers) looks as if he is about to collapse onto the field. He looks like someone who is either doing an "Igor" impression or someone who has been shot in the leg, but wants really, really badly to get to the base. Perhaps "shot" is a bit strong, so maybe just "Harding'd" in the leg... (is there not a color version of this picture anywhere?)

So, there it is, a pack of 2006 Bazooka. Hey, at least I got an Indians player out of it!

2006 Topps Bazooka Baseball

If I hinted at refraining from opening another pack of this stuff after the last one, I'm going back on my word. I felt the need to bust some wax (or mylar, I guess) and this is all I could scrounge up.

Let's tear in.

Top to Bottom:
105 Randy Johnson Blue Parallel
30 Jason Kendall Gold Parallel (Technically not a Brewer, but more fun than if I had opened this pack last year.)

18 of 24 Alex Rodriguez Comic
7 of 12 Sticker Checklist featuring Pat Burrell, Rocco Baldelli, Shawn Green, and Jason Bay

185 Carl Pavano
165 Nick Johnson
37 Dmitri Young (Looks like he's having some sort of episode.)

77 Jorge Cantu

Rays and Yankees dominate most of this pack. I wish I would get a different insert than the A-Rod comic in one of these, but whatever. The comics are weird. It's like they want to be a tattoo, have aspirations of being a sticker, yet totally flunked out of Presto Magix University. Two separate one-per-pack parallels is obnoxious, especially in what's supposed to be a kid-friendly pack.

2006 Topps Bazooka Baseball

Ahhh...Bazooka. The gum that, on the off chance that you had a few cents left over after buying a couple of packs of cards, you would buy on your weekly trip to the neighborhood drugstore. And if you're like me, when you got your work permit, you got a part-time job at that drugstore. But by that time they didn't sell cards anymore. Because by that time, Beanie Babies took up all of the rotating seasonal shelf space, and all of the end caps, and all of the spare space on top of the opened boxes of cigarettes, opened because the stupid overhead cigarette pack holder could only hold eight packs when boxes came in packs of ten, stupid Beanie Babies, stupid Beanie Babies collectors calling nonstop, asking if a new shipment had come in, forcing it into my brain that there actually existed a Beanie Baby named "Spangle" with a stars and stripes design, stupid Beanie Baby collectors, tying up the phone lines when there are legitimate human beings with legitimate health concerns like diabetes and asthma and seasonal allergies and rickets who should have unfettered access to the phones and the pharmacist and...

Whew... I guess I hated that job. But at least I became a smarter shopper because of it. Here's a little tip for everyone out there: That basket of fun size candy...that one that's sometimes sitting by the register and selling for 3 for 25 cents? Yeah... that's last year's Halloween candy. Good luck with that.

Let's tear in.

Top to Bottom:
214 John Koronka Blue Parallel (RC)
126 Jeff Francis Beat-to-Shit Gold Parallel (Seriously, I don't know how this happened. The top card is fine, but this one looks like it's been used as a teething device.)

12 of 24 Alex Rodriguez Comic

144 Francisco Rodriguez
63 Miguel Tejada

128 Carlos Delgado
2 Scott Podsednik
61 Luis Gonzalez
Gum

Grade: C-
Good thing I didn't buy any more of these. The comic is cool, if only that it's unusual to see one not creased from having been wrapped around the gum. Speaking of which, the piece here made me think of Razzles: "First it's a candy, then it's a gum." Yeah for this one, "First it's a gum, then it's a jigsaw puzzle. Suck on that, comsumer."

Read about my Up North Fantasy at Thorzul Will Rule. Yes, I did come back alive.

1989 Bazooka

Here's the box rip I promised in the big long writeup on my own blog. This is a real genuine box of twenty year old gum, complete with a card of a star from twenty years ago. Let's open this beast up.

29 pieces of horrible, horrible gum
29 Bazooka Joe comics
17 of 22 Ricky Jordan

Ricky Jordan was a Shining Star back in the late 80's. If you asked 100 rabid baseball fans today who he is, 99 would probably say Michael's little brother while one Philly fan would talk for a hour about the single he hit against the Blue Jays in game 2 of the 1993 World Series. He was super hot in the late 80's though after he hit a home run in his debut and went on to hit .308 with 11 dingers in his rookie year. After one full year with the Phils, injuries wiped him out and he finished his career as a pinch hitter with Seattle. People still horded his cards like they were gold. I bought a 1990 Upper Deck factory set from a kid in the neighborhood back in 1991. He swore up and down that it was a complete set even though it was opened, then when I got it home about 30 of the best cards were missing. Thankfully I was a senior and he was a freshman so a little coercing got him to cough up most of the cards he filched. The one I remember him really bitching about though was the Ricky Jordan. Not the Dave Justice rookie, not the Nolan Ryan (although the little jerk still has the Ryan high series 300-win card) but the Ricky Jordan card was the one he fought over. Go figure. The Phillies official site has a nice "where are they now" article on Ricky if you do indeed wonder where he is now. Along with the card there's a ton of gum, and as you can see, the gum is horrific:

Blleaargh! Fungus gum. You have to deal with the gum in order to get to the comics though, and here's a vintage Bazooka Joe comic for your edification:

Ha! Ha! Crippling accidents are funny! He lived though, so according to Mel Brooks this joke is not funny. I trust Mel more than Bazooka Joe to be honest. My fortune states that what was once a no-no is now a maybe-maybe. Chewing this nasty gum is a no-no, and always will be. Apparently the comics are worth two comics each due to rampant humor inflation. That means the Bazooka T-Shirt only costs 3 bucks plus the comics from 45 pieces of gum which equals a box and a half. They only offer small, medium and large shirts though! Who are they going to be able to sell those to? Oh wait, yeah. I guess I'll have to get my faux-retro Bazooka t-shirt from Target like everyone else. Well, that's my box of 20 year old gum, if you'll excuse me, I need to unwrap the comics and throw the gum in an an autoclave. Die fungus, die!