Kathryn's Ballet Performance

Kathryn took ballet lessons for 8 weeks. It was fun to watch her, but I think she may need more of a hip-hop type dance class next time! Her energy might be a bit more than what ballet has to offer her.  :)  She did an amazing job and she loved it!

Where to begin?

I use to have a blog that I gave up over two years ago. There came a point when it seemed fake to write one because things were not going well. I honestly had no idea what was going on that was so wrong, but I knew that our family was not what it seemed to be.

Where to begin? I would like to post an honest blog of my life now, and I feel it is okay to be open. I want my kids to read about this time in our lives one day and have an accurate picture of what life is like for me as their mom. I think that just the three of us have a good thing going for us now, and I think that we have finally found our own little rhythm.

A little background.... I am going through a divorce. I have no intention of telling my kids who their dad has specifically become or forming their opinion. I want more than anything for him to get his life together for them.

I will tell them that I did love him. Agency in marriage is a variable that cannot be controlled. It doesn't matter how hard you try and how righteous you are, sometimes the other person is not honest and does not participate. Satan can get to anyone, no one is free from temptation. I thought I had all my ducks in a row and that I chose well. I made sure I married and RM. I was an RM, I even made sure I found an AP. He worked at the MTC and went to BYU. We met at BYU. He swept me off my feet and our dating was fun and almost extreme. It went fast. I really thought that no one could ever love me as much as he did.

We did love our kids very much. We wanted them more than anything. In fact, the few years before they were born we had a strong marriage. I remember one time I thought, "I am so glad to know that I will never get a divorce and that I have a good marriage."

I remember when we tried to get pregnant for about a year. I remember the frustration. I remember thinking that this could possibly be the hardest trial I would ever go through (yeah right!). I remember wanting more than anything to be a mom. It was what I always pictured myself being. I didn't understand why we didn't have it like everyone else. I didn't understand why we couldn't have kids like everyone and just take a pregnancy test and get excited together. For the first time in my life, things didn't go as I had imagined.

After infertility and trying different treatments, we decided to take the bull by the horns and do InVitro. It was an emotional process for the both of us. I remember driving home from the InVitro clinic with my ex and we had $300 left in our account. We had literally spent every penny we had to get pregnant. We knew that in two weeks we might find our saved $16,000 gone and still no pregnancy. That didn't even take into account the emotional tole of another let down.

We were too scared to have me move. I stayed as still as possible and we just waited it out. I remember one time we were talking and joking and I started laughing so hard that we were afraid. We were trying so hard to not laugh and I couldn't control it. It was the hysterical laughing that is not able to be controlled. I think we had an emotional let down and just released it that way. We wanted this more than anything.

The time finally came for the pregnancy test. I remember when they told me InVitro worked, and I was so happy. I wanted to wait for my ex to get home, but I couldn't stand it. I called him and told him on the phone. I just remember he cheered and yelled. This may have even been happier than the birth because we had gone through so much time waiting for this news.

Then came the moment of the ultra sound. We found out we had two healthy looking twins. All we could do is thank Heavenly Father. We immediatly knew it was a boy and a girl and we could already feel of their spirts. We were right as well. We were dead on about their personalities.

Then the twins were born. The birth went perfect and I still remember seeing each of them for the first time. The first thing I thought when I saw Kathryn was that she looks like me. The first thing I thought when I saw Bryce is that he has skinny legs and needed some food and looks like his dad!

We loved the twins so much and worked together those first few months to take care of them. It was exhausting, but we didn't care because we wanted kids so bad.

Things began to change in our marriage after about three months after the twins' birth. I will say one thing to all wives, please trust your gut. You are probably right!

One day my ex came home and told me he lost his job. We were scared because this is when the economy crashed and we had two 9 month old babies. It was hard on my ex, as it would be on any man. We decided to go to grad school because jobs in the economy were less than promising and required a lot of traveling. He was traveling every other week and the weeks he was home he was still working late. I didn't want to be alone with the twins. So, we were excited when he was accepted into a prestigious business school. I packed up our house while he was out of town and when he got back we loaded a uhaul and moved to Arizona.

Once we got to Arizona, I started noticing something different about my sweet Bryce. I also noticed that our marriage was less than ideal and had taken a drastic turn for the worse. For school, my ex had to go overseas a lot. The international scene is tough on men and very liberal. His first trip to China for 6 weeks changed everything and I didn't know it would never be the same again.

I was very distracted with my kids. My kids were just about one and a half years old. Suddenly, Bryce quit sleeping. He went from sleeping through the night and taking a long nap to laying in his crib and kicking the side for hours and sometimes all night. No naps anymore and very distracted sleeping at night. I tried everything. I tried craddling him, I tried blacking the room out, I tried natural light, I tried leaving him alone, I tried making his room boring, I tried making his room more relaxing, and I tried more toys so he could tire himeself to sleep. Nothing seemed to work.

I then didn't undersand why he quit eating. He use to be my best eater. All of the sudden, the foods he once ate almost made him throw up if he put them in his mouth. Sometimes he did throw up. One day, I remembered watching him and realized he didn't know how to use his spoon anymore. Suddenly I was back to spoon feeding him one to two things he would eat. He started chewing on his toys and carrying them around in his mouth. I decided that must be because he is hungry and because he won't eat.

The next thing I noticed was that he wouldn't look at me anymore. I would sing and dance and be funny, but he would just look to the side. I got worried about his hearing. I started ringing bells next to his head and he wouldn't even turn. When he passed his hearing test, I just told myself he was too tired and that all he needed was sleep. I also decided that the reason he quit talking was also because he was exhausted.

He was exhausted. He had big dark circles under his eyes, but he wouldn't sleep. I would watch him try and he would just kick and flip around in his crib. He could not let himself calm down. When I tried cuddling him, he wouldn't let me hold him. Soon, I was the only person he really even wanted to touch him at all.

I took him to the doctor. I asked the doctor about Autism. She said he seems engaged and that he should get some speech therapy. I was relieved that she said he didn't have it.

I went to visit family that summer and everyone was analyzing Bryce. I was so defensive and upset that people didn't just give Bryce some time. My dad asked me if he could talk to me. He sat down and got choked up. He said that he is worried and wants me to be happy, but that he thinks Bryce has Autism. I said, "I know it looks like it, but the doctor told me he doesn't." My dad then asked me why he does the same thing hundreds of times? He asked me he won't look at anyone or respond to his name? He asked me why he doesn't talk and he is over two? I felt scared and upset. My ex was living in Indiana for an internship and I was upset that everyone was judging Bryce and I felt alone and scared. Deep down inside, I knew he had Autism. I prayed that if he didn't have it, that he would come out of his shell and develop.

We started speech therapy and within 10 minutes of the therapy, the therapist told me that he has autism. I was so upset and just wanted her to teach him to talk and not diagnose him. She then pointed out to me that chewing on his toys all day is not functional play and that he has sensory issues.

We then got him an occupational therapist as well as a developmental specialist through the state. The Occupationl therapist automatically assumed he had autism and kept referring to him as "those kids." She would say, "yeah, a lot of those kids like to do that." I asked her what she meant by "those kids?" (knowing what she meant) She just said, "with autism." My blood boiled. Then the development specialist also brought up autism and I said, "you know, I would like it deleted from his file that he has autism because everyone reads it and assumes he has it before they even meet him." She said, "no, it is not in his file, I just assumed you knew."

After she left, I balled my eyes out. I cried worse than I had ever cried in my entire life. Life didn't seem fair and I couldn't bare the thought of having a handicapped child. I always said growing up that one thing I could not handle was a child with special needs. I didn't understand why my life could not just be normal.

My marriage was awful at this point. I threatened to leave if things didn't change, but I was too scared. Counseling didn't work. Our marriage was actually worse. I thought I was dealing with just a pornography problem and possibly an emotional affair. I decided to wait until he was ready to do something about it and focus on Bryce. I also immersed myself in church, friends, and was the president of a huge spouse's club at my ex's school.

I also decided that I was going to go see a development pediatrician and hopefully hear he didn't have autism. On December 20, 2010 we took Bryce to the doctor. After about 45 minutes, the doctor told me that he has zero doubt that Bryce has autism. He told me there is no cure and that I need to keep him in therapies and start a school. He also told me there was a great program and to call a number. He then referred me to a nutritionist that works specifically with autisic children and their eating problems.

The nutritionist saved me. I love to cook and for the first time I figured out something I could tangibly do to help Bryce. I then called the number for the "best program" and for the first time realized the expense of this disease and the lack of resources. There weren't any openings for a year. My ex was graduating in just 6 months and it was ridiculous. Early intervention is suppose to be key but everything had a long waiting list. I knew I could figure out the money, but money doesn't do any good when there is no where to put your child for a year. This is a struggle that I will have for the rest of my life. Finding the money for the treatments (least of my worries) and waiting for him to get in.

I then found a program that was a new treatment to help with sensory needs and eye contact. It was $3,000 and 60 days of straight therapy. The first 30 days were 7 days a week for four hours (broken into two segments) about an hour from my house. With the help of friends watching Kathryn, I was able to pull it off. It did help and I had hope. For the first time in about a year, Bryce started to look at me and smile.

Unfortunately, my marriage was over at this point. I could not get my husband to come home and get off his phone and computer. Our house was burglarized and it was suspicious to me. Little lies turned into big lies. Suddenly, nothing made sense. I wanted to change myself. I couldn't figure out what I was doing so wrong. When I asked what the problem was, the response was "nothing, you are paranoid. Change yourself, not me." So, I tried. I tried to be the best I could be. But, I coudn't understand why certain things were happening. Our standards and beliefs on what was appropriate for a married person to do was different. My gut knew my marriage was over, but I decided to wait it out and I hoped that after graduation and starting a new job he would come out of it.

After Bryce's diagnosis, I decided to not tell anyone. I didn't want people to pre judge Bryce and not treat him like every other kid. I still secretly hoped that he would pull out of it. I remember his third birthday. It was almost sad because he was no where near what he should have been doing developmentally. Still not one word, not even mom. I remember I spoon fed him his cake. I also remember the kids playing and doing the pinata and he was clear across the park laying on his stomach watching the wheels on his car as he rolled it back and forth. I carried him over to hit his pinata. He kicked and screamed as I held my hand over his on the stick and swung at the pinata. After one hit, I let him go and he ran off to roll his car again. I remember Kathryn opening all of his presents. I remember she would open his and run it over and say here Bryce and he wouldn't even look up. Now when I talk to my friends, I remember them saying that they noticed my ex was just a "body" at the party. They said they could tell I did and was doing everything. They remember he just sat on his blackberry and didn't talk to anyone. I didn't even notice, for me, this was normal at this point. However, this was my life and the perfect picture of the dynamic.

Graduation came! I had already lined up as many therapies for Bryce as I could in Kentucky (where my ex was going to start his new job). I felt that this would be our second chance at our marriage. I hoped something would be magically different and that graduate school was just hard on our marriage.

Around April, I decided to start telling people about Bryce. I realized that people were generally more understanding of his behaviors when they knew specifically what was going on. Of course, when I told people, they almost all said, "yeah, I figured." That hurt. Was it really that obvious?

My ex had to travel to Vietnam, South Korea, China, and Thailand one last time. I hoped that things would go well. I knew that sketchy situations always happened overseas. I hoped that he knew enough of what I felt was not right for a married man and that he knew not to do certain things. He assured me that he did and that it was all business and networking.

When he got back, the company moved all of our belonging to Kentucky. We decided to visit family and slowly drive out to Kentucky since we had about a month and a half until his new job started. I was so excited to have some help with the twins from my ex and maybe a little break myself.

It was odd to me when suddenly this time was for my ex and whatever he wanted to do. I was still taking care of the kids alone and got a guilt trip from him everytime I asked for help or to do something for myself. I thought it was odd that he suddenly wasn't busy but still detached from me and the kids. I hated that he was always on his blackberry. I didn't undersand why he wanted to go watch "movies" every night. After Bryce threw my phone in the pool, I realized that I was not even allowed to use his phone. I became suspicious and disappointed that things weren't better.

My dad soon pointed out to me that he is not acting like a married man. I knew it, but I had nothing to back it up other than behavior. Everytime I asked my ex about his behavious, he told me I was crazy. My dad told me to investigate a little bit and see what he is doing on his phone all the time.

I did! I was shocked what I discovered. I didn't believe it. So I hired a detective to prove to me. It is worse than you can imagine. It was true, I saw it with my own eyes. Imgaine the worst, it is probably even worse than that.

I had to divorce him. I had given him every chance to talk to me about his problem and he turned it on me and made me feel paranoid and unsure. After everywhere he had been overseas, I realized that it was not even physically safe to be with him anymore. Those places have so many diseases. I realized that everything out of his mouth, was a lie. I could never believe what he said.

That night I learned about his second life I cried for him. I knew what it meant for me and the kids. But, at that monent, my heart broke because I realized he had wandered into such a dark place. I prayed to Heavenly Father that he would get better but I knew it was not going to be on my watch. I remembered who he once was and I realized I have not even been dealing with that person for a long time. I assumed I was talking and reasoning with him, but I was just talking to his addiction. He was gone.

I divorced him. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I had to accept someone else's agency and suffer the pain for someone's actions. I read Jacob 2. I knew how it felt. I felt terrible that this was the situation for my kids. I wanted an explanation and an apology so bad. I soon realized I wasn't even worth an apology. Getting some help and reconciling was not even on his mind.

Well, the kids and I started fresh in June. We even had to get all new things because everything is in Kentucky. My ex is ordered by the court to get it back to me, but of course he hasn't. My family saved me and helped me get into my own place. People heard what happened and gave me things to start over and refurnish a place. Heavenly Father is watching over us. The number one thing I have learned is that God will take care of us. He cannot change how other people's agency affects us, but he can bless us in every other way if we are righteous. From the Bryce trial, I have learned love. I have learned to not judge others. From both trials (even my fertility trial), I have learned what my life has in store for me is not entirely up to me. But, it is up to me to have faith and stay close to the gospel. If I do that, I am always taken care of.

We are just the three of us. This is where our story begins now! Should be interesting.