I've never really been grateful. I've been grateful, but I realised that I haven't been really grateful till now.
being unreligious, I'd say the same ol script when we go to temples or churches. "I pray for everyone's health and joy, may the students study well and the grown ups work well." That has been my half hearted script every single time. My mum would nag me to ask for more every time, her instructions varies from asking for wealth, prosperity in the business, to being blessed with healthy relationships or romantic relationships etc you name it. But I always say the same.
This trip to Bangkok, there were many shrines and temples. And I started playing some of my favorite worship songs too. To my own surprise, instead of asking for more joy and health, instinctively I gave thanks.
Thank you for guiding me through the hard times, and bringing me here today. Thank you for the beautiful people who are or were in my life.
For I am truly grateful.
Welcome 2019
Its August 2019, and here I am thinking I haven't blogged since college, but to my surprise my last post was actually in 2016. That was when I first started my own preschool. Which grew faster than I expected and we had to move out of the place as it was getting too crowded. Then the preschool grew into a preschool and a kindergarten. Business boomed, and so did I. =)
Junr July 2018 marked the first sign of burning out. I was feeling lethargic, questioning the meaning of life and my direction, eventually it led to me breaking down over nothingness one day, and I started losing sleep, feeling depressed and you name it.. It was like a full on depression I must say, during the day I'd turn off all feelings, from emotions to tastebuds to feelings of pain and hunger or thirst, I worked and functioned normally like a robot. When I close the car door or the room door, all the repressed feelings pours, my mind was probably blank but falling asleep and staying asleep was a difficult chore. Eventually I'd be tired enough to fall asleep, I told myself, no point forcing yourself to fall alseep, sleep just doesn't happen that way.
The few friends and collegues who were informed about it were supportive, but then things didn't really get any better. Just worse. I quit my evening jobs, and spent all evenings and weekends working somemore. Compensation, they say. I was working on overdraft mode. I was giving what I hadn't got. I started seeing a counsellor. it improved, somewhat. the essential oils, meditation, sports, supplements that didn't quite do their magic, I tried. I guess deep down I still wanted to be happy and live on. life wasn't as miserable as wanting to die and end it all, although many times I was there, behind my steering wheel. What happens when I just can't keep going anymore and just stop breathing from the lack of sleep, I always wondered.
After some drama at work, I quit it all and the management made a bigger drama out of it. For days and nights before and after my resignation I cried. Tears which were so scarce during the dark days seemed to made themselves out uninvited. I'd cry in a car ride, I'd cry in public for whatever silly reason. every single thing broke me.
They say it's clinical depression, and implied that I was mentally unstable to work. I very well know it wasn't, although it may seem like it, I do not blame them for misunderstanding. to my defense, I turn up at work and did my best, and I know, for the lack of emotions I made it up to the children with more attention and patience. When I see my children, I knew I didn't feel the love I had for them like I used to, and that's what made me call it quits. My children are my life and my source of energy. If I can't feel the joy and love being with them, if being with them sucks the life out of me, something was clearly wrong. I needed to do something about it. And so I did.
The guilt, the agony of abandoning was so great. But I also felt liberated, lightened and free. Till this day, exactly 4 months since my last day at the preschool, I am, still, hurting and healing and feeling happy at the same time.
Junr July 2018 marked the first sign of burning out. I was feeling lethargic, questioning the meaning of life and my direction, eventually it led to me breaking down over nothingness one day, and I started losing sleep, feeling depressed and you name it.. It was like a full on depression I must say, during the day I'd turn off all feelings, from emotions to tastebuds to feelings of pain and hunger or thirst, I worked and functioned normally like a robot. When I close the car door or the room door, all the repressed feelings pours, my mind was probably blank but falling asleep and staying asleep was a difficult chore. Eventually I'd be tired enough to fall asleep, I told myself, no point forcing yourself to fall alseep, sleep just doesn't happen that way.
The few friends and collegues who were informed about it were supportive, but then things didn't really get any better. Just worse. I quit my evening jobs, and spent all evenings and weekends working somemore. Compensation, they say. I was working on overdraft mode. I was giving what I hadn't got. I started seeing a counsellor. it improved, somewhat. the essential oils, meditation, sports, supplements that didn't quite do their magic, I tried. I guess deep down I still wanted to be happy and live on. life wasn't as miserable as wanting to die and end it all, although many times I was there, behind my steering wheel. What happens when I just can't keep going anymore and just stop breathing from the lack of sleep, I always wondered.
After some drama at work, I quit it all and the management made a bigger drama out of it. For days and nights before and after my resignation I cried. Tears which were so scarce during the dark days seemed to made themselves out uninvited. I'd cry in a car ride, I'd cry in public for whatever silly reason. every single thing broke me.
They say it's clinical depression, and implied that I was mentally unstable to work. I very well know it wasn't, although it may seem like it, I do not blame them for misunderstanding. to my defense, I turn up at work and did my best, and I know, for the lack of emotions I made it up to the children with more attention and patience. When I see my children, I knew I didn't feel the love I had for them like I used to, and that's what made me call it quits. My children are my life and my source of energy. If I can't feel the joy and love being with them, if being with them sucks the life out of me, something was clearly wrong. I needed to do something about it. And so I did.
The guilt, the agony of abandoning was so great. But I also felt liberated, lightened and free. Till this day, exactly 4 months since my last day at the preschool, I am, still, hurting and healing and feeling happy at the same time.
벌써 지치면 어떻게
Things are not going very well. Caffeine withdrawal symptom is not good, and my negative thoughts of humans kept creeping in. Times are not well. Finances are not well, things are not going as planned. It's only 6 months into the show and I'm freaking out.
But if I step back and have a look at the big picture, objectively, things are going pretty well. Maybe it's the hecticness and the frequent change of minds of everyone around me. Like the English lessons that I'm having, the owner of the place is not making life easy for me, when I'm already trying my very best. Like the teacher who is leaving, I can't decide if it's my mind doing the trick or it's really her leaving more mess to be cleaned up at the end of days. Like the Korean lessons that I'm teaching, students are facing a bottleneck and here I am, not capable of doing anything extra as I have so much on hand.
On a bright note, Taekwondo lessons are going quite well. *shrug* not sure if it makes up to all the others, but.
Working day and night, 3 jobs, and a new sport, plus the new assignment to work on books. I think I'm on the edge. But then again, if this is not the time to go all out and be crazy, when is it? I've been all out and crazy at my travels, is it time to go all out and crazy at work now? By that I mean workS?
But if I step back and have a look at the big picture, objectively, things are going pretty well. Maybe it's the hecticness and the frequent change of minds of everyone around me. Like the English lessons that I'm having, the owner of the place is not making life easy for me, when I'm already trying my very best. Like the teacher who is leaving, I can't decide if it's my mind doing the trick or it's really her leaving more mess to be cleaned up at the end of days. Like the Korean lessons that I'm teaching, students are facing a bottleneck and here I am, not capable of doing anything extra as I have so much on hand.
On a bright note, Taekwondo lessons are going quite well. *shrug* not sure if it makes up to all the others, but.
Working day and night, 3 jobs, and a new sport, plus the new assignment to work on books. I think I'm on the edge. But then again, if this is not the time to go all out and be crazy, when is it? I've been all out and crazy at my travels, is it time to go all out and crazy at work now? By that I mean workS?
Some enlightenment on life?
Day 4 of CNY. It's supposed to be a big family gathering. Supposed. I guess I've been too inflexible with the changes no mater how minor that's been happening. I have expectations and when it doesn't go perfectly according to plan, I sulk and feel down about it.
So what happened was the host family invited some friends over and naturally everyone is busy entertaining their friends. I expected something and it didn't happen. Why do I even let that bother me when I had a good time doing something else. I am slowly losing it, over nothing. But feelings in me has been weird. Perhaps the business startup is stressing me and I'm not allowing it cuz it's stupid. I don't know. But it's been weird. I'm not functioning as usual, that much I know.
------
My 3 week old watch died on me. On a night that I wasn't even drunk. What on earth happened my dear watch. And it costed a bomb for something that lasted 3 weeks. Dammit.
-----
On gambling
Seeing the young people, most perhaps still studying, gambling their red packet money away. I understand red packet money to be blessings from the grown ups, call me conservative old fashioned and lousy, but gambling it away. Hmm. It's very bad. Gambling should be banned, for good. Flaunting money for fun, it's the international culture eh?
-----
On drinking
Maybe being young means going all out and get wasted at least once or you haven't lived. If so then I haven't lived a single day in my life. Being a grown up doesn't mean you have to do all the things you can't legally do as a child, like drinking smoking watching 18-rated movies etc. It just means you're allowed, and you can do it, But you don't have to.
I think I'm getting old, and old fashioned. closed minded, lousy, what else. But I'm feeling so sour and bitter about all these people spending their time so differently than mine.
So what happened was the host family invited some friends over and naturally everyone is busy entertaining their friends. I expected something and it didn't happen. Why do I even let that bother me when I had a good time doing something else. I am slowly losing it, over nothing. But feelings in me has been weird. Perhaps the business startup is stressing me and I'm not allowing it cuz it's stupid. I don't know. But it's been weird. I'm not functioning as usual, that much I know.
------
My 3 week old watch died on me. On a night that I wasn't even drunk. What on earth happened my dear watch. And it costed a bomb for something that lasted 3 weeks. Dammit.
-----
On gambling
Seeing the young people, most perhaps still studying, gambling their red packet money away. I understand red packet money to be blessings from the grown ups, call me conservative old fashioned and lousy, but gambling it away. Hmm. It's very bad. Gambling should be banned, for good. Flaunting money for fun, it's the international culture eh?
-----
On drinking
Maybe being young means going all out and get wasted at least once or you haven't lived. If so then I haven't lived a single day in my life. Being a grown up doesn't mean you have to do all the things you can't legally do as a child, like drinking smoking watching 18-rated movies etc. It just means you're allowed, and you can do it, But you don't have to.
I think I'm getting old, and old fashioned. closed minded, lousy, what else. But I'm feeling so sour and bitter about all these people spending their time so differently than mine.
So what now
I know I'm being just overly dramatic for missing the kids. But I really do.
I said I wouldn't leave, but I did. Sometimes it feels as if I'm cut off from the entire system, but hey, isn't this what I was hoping for in the first place?
I can see, from the teachers' faces, that this is not where I belong anymore. They try to be nice, but hey, thou shall not be here to boss us around, says their expression. I do not judge, but try to be grateful that they are doing well. At least the kids are nice. That's why I work with children, they remember, and they don't judge, even upon abandonment. It makes me feel extra sorry.
I'm tired, pretending to be what I'm not. Pretending to be fine, holding up like a professional, so called.
I said I wouldn't leave, but I did. Sometimes it feels as if I'm cut off from the entire system, but hey, isn't this what I was hoping for in the first place?
I can see, from the teachers' faces, that this is not where I belong anymore. They try to be nice, but hey, thou shall not be here to boss us around, says their expression. I do not judge, but try to be grateful that they are doing well. At least the kids are nice. That's why I work with children, they remember, and they don't judge, even upon abandonment. It makes me feel extra sorry.
I'm tired, pretending to be what I'm not. Pretending to be fine, holding up like a professional, so called.
지나간 것은
이제 아직 지나간것 아냐. "지나간 것은 지나간대로 그런 의미가 있죠"
그 친구가 나한테 물어봤어, 애들 생각 하냐고. 나, 하지. 많이 하지. 하지만 난 생각 하면 걱정된다. 생각하면 미안한다. 생각하면 마음 아프다. 생각하면 후휘한다. 그래서 생각하면 안 된다.
너무 내 탓인 것 같고 내가 너무 이기적인 것 같기도 하다. 이 상황에 너무 빠진 것 같고 어떻게 나가야 될지 모르겠다.
다 잘 될거라고 생각 하는데 애들이랑 학부모는 끝까지 붙일 수 있는지 모르겠어. 동료한테 수고한다고 위로한 말들이 믿고 싶어. 내가 최선을 다해서 열심히 하면 잘 될거지?
只担心我的最好在你眼里不够好。
有时候，就像在这个时候，我真的觉得我所知道的一切都是任你们摆布了。只怪我天真，任你摆布。我一直迟疑你所谓的‘好老师’， 因为你不曾看见我们是怎样的。 虽然我知道你话中有话，说的不是真的，真的不是说的，但在这不稳定的时刻，更动摇了我的主观。在背后不曾告知我的又是什么？我凭良心一直真诚，一直努力，做到最好。我深信的我的实力，竟然被你当众一句否认。有时候我很怀疑，现在的热诚和慈爱，在我日后成功以后会就这样不见吗？我不想因为贪图利益和一时的方便而失去初心。추심으로 하자 끝까지. 나 좋은 사람 되고 싶다.
그 친구가 나한테 물어봤어, 애들 생각 하냐고. 나, 하지. 많이 하지. 하지만 난 생각 하면 걱정된다. 생각하면 미안한다. 생각하면 마음 아프다. 생각하면 후휘한다. 그래서 생각하면 안 된다.
너무 내 탓인 것 같고 내가 너무 이기적인 것 같기도 하다. 이 상황에 너무 빠진 것 같고 어떻게 나가야 될지 모르겠다.
다 잘 될거라고 생각 하는데 애들이랑 학부모는 끝까지 붙일 수 있는지 모르겠어. 동료한테 수고한다고 위로한 말들이 믿고 싶어. 내가 최선을 다해서 열심히 하면 잘 될거지?
只担心我的最好在你眼里不够好。
有时候，就像在这个时候，我真的觉得我所知道的一切都是任你们摆布了。只怪我天真，任你摆布。我一直迟疑你所谓的‘好老师’， 因为你不曾看见我们是怎样的。 虽然我知道你话中有话，说的不是真的，真的不是说的，但在这不稳定的时刻，更动摇了我的主观。在背后不曾告知我的又是什么？我凭良心一直真诚，一直努力，做到最好。我深信的我的实力，竟然被你当众一句否认。有时候我很怀疑，现在的热诚和慈爱，在我日后成功以后会就这样不见吗？我不想因为贪图利益和一时的方便而失去初心。추심으로 하자 끝까지. 나 좋은 사람 되고 싶다.
Playhouse
So it all has started. Jan 4, 2016.
What seemed so far away was actually so easily achieved, if i put my mind to it that is. It is going to be a struggle. But it's going to be worth it. At least the struggle is not as crazy and overwhelming as it was. Maybe I have chosen an easier way out. How long will it last? I don't know. Just cross my fingers and wish for the best.
This business is not feasible, so they said. Now that I'm on it, I think so too. Goodness, and it's only been 2 days. I can't say 'now I understand what they've been saying', but well, I think I'm getting there. I understand where the greed and ambition come from. But let's stick to our very basic value, and stay true to ourselves instead of being gobbled up by the money money world.
It's going to be a long battle. But I'm going to win. Promise.
What seemed so far away was actually so easily achieved, if i put my mind to it that is. It is going to be a struggle. But it's going to be worth it. At least the struggle is not as crazy and overwhelming as it was. Maybe I have chosen an easier way out. How long will it last? I don't know. Just cross my fingers and wish for the best.
This business is not feasible, so they said. Now that I'm on it, I think so too. Goodness, and it's only been 2 days. I can't say 'now I understand what they've been saying', but well, I think I'm getting there. I understand where the greed and ambition come from. But let's stick to our very basic value, and stay true to ourselves instead of being gobbled up by the money money world.
It's going to be a long battle. But I'm going to win. Promise.
Night
The night has come. I turn on the lights. My eyes drooping, yelling for help, to catch some rest. My brain races, to the end of the world and back, refusing sleep. My back squeaks in ache, begging to be lied down, but the brain continues to whoosh by a hundred thoughts, denying the exhaustion.
It's been 5 days. Or maybe more. It's like, if I go to sleep, tomorrow will come sooner and I'll spend another day thinking about 10 things at the same time without giving them enough thought, ending up not deciding a thing. I don't want to spend my tomorrow zombie-ing by, not again.
It's only been 5 months since I re-started work. It should be easier than this. I don't eliminate the possibility that I'm over reacting to all this, but I feel like I'm burn out, in just 5 months. And it doesn't make sense. I've been denying it all the while until a week ago when my boss said, "you look exhausted. I thought maybe you wouldn't want to continue on with this. That's why I never pushed you on." At that moment, I thought, do I really look that burnt out?
It's not quite working anymore, not for me at least. 5 more months to go until the dateline I set, to leave if it doesn't seem like it'll work out. Just 5 more months, most days it seems like it's coming too fast, WHAM, in my face, but most times it just feels like an eternity to work towards to.
It's been 5 days. Or maybe more. It's like, if I go to sleep, tomorrow will come sooner and I'll spend another day thinking about 10 things at the same time without giving them enough thought, ending up not deciding a thing. I don't want to spend my tomorrow zombie-ing by, not again.
It's only been 5 months since I re-started work. It should be easier than this. I don't eliminate the possibility that I'm over reacting to all this, but I feel like I'm burn out, in just 5 months. And it doesn't make sense. I've been denying it all the while until a week ago when my boss said, "you look exhausted. I thought maybe you wouldn't want to continue on with this. That's why I never pushed you on." At that moment, I thought, do I really look that burnt out?
It's not quite working anymore, not for me at least. 5 more months to go until the dateline I set, to leave if it doesn't seem like it'll work out. Just 5 more months, most days it seems like it's coming too fast, WHAM, in my face, but most times it just feels like an eternity to work towards to.
If all Goes Well
If all goes well, well, by this time next year I should have a few kids running around after nap, doing some fun relaxing stuff, right here in my house.
There has been conversations, plans, imaginations, excitements... It all started with what has went wrong in the current workplace and hey, a quick chat with the brother and here we are. All inspired and excited about it.
I've always dreamed of my own school. Small, cosy, yet well equipped. Not in terms of fancy telescopes and great big white boards, but with toys and costumes, along with various recycled yet useful scraps. I've always believed we don't need fancy stuff for school, those are just to impress shallow parents. Real parents, like the ones I have now, send their child in knowing that they are truly cared for, regardless of expensive thick paper or cardboard that is used in school.
Children come in knowing they have something to learn to today, expecting freedom to play within reasonable limits. They read to each other and help each other along the way. It's been a few months after my long holiday and I cannot tell you enough how beautiful my children are as individuals, and even so when they are together. Of course they fight and bicker and dislike each other from time to time, but so many times I catch them offering their favorite toy or book to their friends, stop to help each other so they can play better together. I see a 4 year old 'read' to a younger boy because she is the elder sister. They help the younger ones when they can't reach, make sure the little ones drink lots of water, help the weaker ones with heavier things, while the little ones take care of the smaller things like a fallen handkerchief, or turning off the running tap.
Some weeks ago came a potential parent inquiring about our program. She wasn't the easiest person on earth, to put simple. Later on, I found out that she was really unhappy with our school, with the children playing cardboxes, with so little toys, with the children just playing, when the 2 year old class doesn't have artsy craft to bring home every day or two. Frankly I was quite hurt by the feedback. Though after some careful considerations it was the mother who had unrealistic expectations, still I was hurt. After a while I started feeling sorry for the mother, for her mindset and attitude seemed rather unhealthy... So I forgave her meanness.
But you know, things like homework in preschool, spelling tests, examinations, are not even being disputed yet, it's done like it's the most natural things. Parents expect their children to magically turn into scholars when they go to school. 2 year olds are expected to bring home crafts when they start schooling. 4 year olds are expected to read and write within the first 5 months of schooling. Sad parental expectations and 1980 style schools are still running around wildly around the neighborhood forcing preschoolers to write like adults through endless meaningless homework, and parents complain when their children don't want to attend school. Parents expect their children to bring home beautiful perfect craft and teachers end up doing every child's art work so parents would be happy. Mind me, have I even mentioned the child here? The child is the machine, mummy says write well, teacher presses the button, child needs to produce beautiful essay. It's pathetic and horrifying.
Thankfully there is this group, who believes in education through play. My children come in happily, and they learn and share more than their peers. Education is not just academics, our children take part in discussions, wait patiently for their turn to participate in games, sing and dance, make up their own songs and dances, they brainstorm, imagine, create and problem solve.
By the end of kindergarten, they are as strong, perhaps stronger, than peers who attend traditional Malaysian schools. They might not be able to do their math with their eyes closed because they haven't done countless math questions that they know everything in the back of their heads, they may not be able to spell bombastic words through memorization, but academically they are at par, but above that, our children enjoy learning, they speak for themselves well and with good manners, they care for each other and everyone, and are independent and responsible children. All seemed like the basic for humanity, which seems like common sense, are very much forgotten by our fellow preschool competitors, and most parents...
There has been conversations, plans, imaginations, excitements... It all started with what has went wrong in the current workplace and hey, a quick chat with the brother and here we are. All inspired and excited about it.
I've always dreamed of my own school. Small, cosy, yet well equipped. Not in terms of fancy telescopes and great big white boards, but with toys and costumes, along with various recycled yet useful scraps. I've always believed we don't need fancy stuff for school, those are just to impress shallow parents. Real parents, like the ones I have now, send their child in knowing that they are truly cared for, regardless of expensive thick paper or cardboard that is used in school.
Children come in knowing they have something to learn to today, expecting freedom to play within reasonable limits. They read to each other and help each other along the way. It's been a few months after my long holiday and I cannot tell you enough how beautiful my children are as individuals, and even so when they are together. Of course they fight and bicker and dislike each other from time to time, but so many times I catch them offering their favorite toy or book to their friends, stop to help each other so they can play better together. I see a 4 year old 'read' to a younger boy because she is the elder sister. They help the younger ones when they can't reach, make sure the little ones drink lots of water, help the weaker ones with heavier things, while the little ones take care of the smaller things like a fallen handkerchief, or turning off the running tap.
Some weeks ago came a potential parent inquiring about our program. She wasn't the easiest person on earth, to put simple. Later on, I found out that she was really unhappy with our school, with the children playing cardboxes, with so little toys, with the children just playing, when the 2 year old class doesn't have artsy craft to bring home every day or two. Frankly I was quite hurt by the feedback. Though after some careful considerations it was the mother who had unrealistic expectations, still I was hurt. After a while I started feeling sorry for the mother, for her mindset and attitude seemed rather unhealthy... So I forgave her meanness.
But you know, things like homework in preschool, spelling tests, examinations, are not even being disputed yet, it's done like it's the most natural things. Parents expect their children to magically turn into scholars when they go to school. 2 year olds are expected to bring home crafts when they start schooling. 4 year olds are expected to read and write within the first 5 months of schooling. Sad parental expectations and 1980 style schools are still running around wildly around the neighborhood forcing preschoolers to write like adults through endless meaningless homework, and parents complain when their children don't want to attend school. Parents expect their children to bring home beautiful perfect craft and teachers end up doing every child's art work so parents would be happy. Mind me, have I even mentioned the child here? The child is the machine, mummy says write well, teacher presses the button, child needs to produce beautiful essay. It's pathetic and horrifying.
Thankfully there is this group, who believes in education through play. My children come in happily, and they learn and share more than their peers. Education is not just academics, our children take part in discussions, wait patiently for their turn to participate in games, sing and dance, make up their own songs and dances, they brainstorm, imagine, create and problem solve.
By the end of kindergarten, they are as strong, perhaps stronger, than peers who attend traditional Malaysian schools. They might not be able to do their math with their eyes closed because they haven't done countless math questions that they know everything in the back of their heads, they may not be able to spell bombastic words through memorization, but academically they are at par, but above that, our children enjoy learning, they speak for themselves well and with good manners, they care for each other and everyone, and are independent and responsible children. All seemed like the basic for humanity, which seems like common sense, are very much forgotten by our fellow preschool competitors, and most parents...
Tolerance
There are things,.. that should be tolerated and kept quiet about. While some aren't.
I hate being me, tolerating all this stupid shit. Where can I find the courage to voice it all out to, your, stupid, face.
I hate being me, tolerating all this stupid shit. Where can I find the courage to voice it all out to, your, stupid, face.
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