F(ile) U(nder): Borelord of Mars

DVD Talk has added a feature where we can now see Facebook comments people make when they link to our reviews. This, of course, just opens up more avenues for hilarity. It's amazing how many people link to a negative review so they can comment, "I can't wait to see this!" I'll also 'fess up to hitting "like" on really harsh comments left in connection to my work out of some sick hope that the person who made the comment will be totally confused by my response. 

This recent thread on my John Carter review was perplexing, irritating, and amusing in so many ways. The ironic thing about the accusations of "bandwagon jumping" that critics in general are receiving for the film is that the backlash against us is its own bandwagon. Plus, most of the reviewers I know, even when negative, were fair; and there were also plenty who came to John Carter's defense.

You can read my piece again and judge for yourself, but here is what one respondent had to say [I will not use his name here, and ask if you see his comments on the review, avoid engaging with him in a negative manner, please]:

What a snarky, condescending review. I think this reviewer (Jamie S. Rich) went into this with prejudice. My friend and I enjoyed this movie a lot; the acting was good and the pace was fine. My eight-year-old nephew told me he loved it! A movie can't be boring if it keeps the attention of a kid. I think JC became the unfortunate victim of a critics' bandwagon hate-fest. Critics love to snear and turn their noses up at just about anything that doesn't star Meryl Streep (one of the few A-list stars deserving of their endless fawning), especially when it comes to science-fiction. Ignore this review.

I am not sure what my prejudice was, but the defense that an elementary-aged child wasn't bored isn't much of one. My nephew is a little older than this guy's, but he likes some truly terrible movies. (Chipmunks, anyone?) I had awful taste when I was eight.

Also, I think my fawning over Meryl Streep, if it ever began, ended when I declined to see her last three films: The Iron Lady, It's Complicated, and Julie & Julia. If there's one thing I've noticed, people who get mad about a particular review rarely have any history with me as a writer. They tend to take the one review that irked them and use it to create generalities about my opinions as a whole. I rarely agree with any one writer all the time, but I tend to trust the ones I agree with--or even disagree with--over an extended reading relationship, not ones I read once.

Anyway, one of Respondent #1's friends actually had something to say in reply:

I don't know [redacted]. I was kind of disappointed with the movie. It looked so good and we were really waiting for it to come out, but when we were watching it we couldn't wait for it to be over. Lol The previews really over hyped the movie. Made it look way better than it was.

A pretty fair disagreement. But Respondent #1 was undaunted! Well...kind of.

It's definitely not going to be a classic, but it had a tight story. I was reading a review on a British website saying the movie made no sense at all, which isn't true. Like I said, I think critics are just jumping on the bandwagon because not even one wants to admit they liked the movie and they're simply reveling in their viciousness because their cronies will back them up. Not everyone's cup of tea, but would you agree it's the worst movie you've ever seen? 

They probably wait to see what powerful critic says and then the rest fall in line. For example, I haven't seen The Artist yet, but I got so sick of critics creaming themselves over a silent B&W movie just for the nostalgia of it. I haven't even accidentally heard what the movies supposed to be about! 

What fops.

Yes, indeed.

We also love to fawn over Norm MacDonald. Thusly.

Current Sountrack: Ministry, Relapse

F(ile) U(nder): STFU - You Drive Me Ape, You Big Gorilla

When we left the screening for Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and it became quickly evident that I was the only one who didn't go bananas over it, I actually said, "I'm gonna get some mail about this one."

Sure enough, since the movie opened, I've gotten a trio of e-mails, presented here in order, unedited, no names to protect the....

#1

I read your review of 'Rise of the Planet of the apes i think this is a wounderfvl movie cant wait to see it

Hold on, I don't get it? Have you seen it or haven't you?

#2

...you are obviously someone who doesn't enjoy foreplay and just wants the banging to commence. Others appreciate the back-story and wait patiently until the cartoon mayhem ensues.

So I guess that you would also recommend walking about 30 minutes after the start of "Saving Private Ryan." because the first scene has nothing to do with looking for Ryan.

I almost wrote this guy back and just said, "And obviously you are someone who has never slept with me." Interesting, of these three, this is the only one from a dude.

#3

I love the way you reviewers think your opinion rises above the typical Movie goer. Even though you have never made a film yourself. You need to just relax and enjoy the film for what it is "ENTERTAINMENT" which this film delivers. Despite Franco, I still enjoyed this film

This last one is a pretty typical letter, hitting points most reviewers hear all the time and ignoring the actual substance of the piece. In fact, it hits the trifecta: you think you're better than me (I don't), you've never made a film (you're right, I haven't, and neither have you), and it's not great art, it's just supposed to be entertaining. Sure, and did you notice that my main point is actually complaining about not being entertained enough?

My guess is that when a person writes this kind of letter, it's because he or she so quickly adopts the stance of, "He's saying I'm wrong," that there is no consideration of the fact that our opinions can exist in the same space. Our only difference is that someone gave me a platform to express it. Blame that guy for raising me up. He did it! Otherwise, I'd just be writing on here, my free blog, the same service available to anyone.

And I guarantee you, were these folks having a conversation with an actual film director, and he (or she) said, "Well, I make movies for a living..." as part of his argument, they'd be all, "Oh, welllll, Mr. Big Shot Hollywood!"

I wanted to write back to the last person with one simple link, this great satirical essay by Bobby "Fatboy" Roberts: "An Imaginary Conversation Between Two Guys Waiting for the Bus After Leaving a Movie Theater."

But I didn't. Why poke the primates? That's how revolutions start!

Current Soundtrack: Arctic Monkeys, "Piledriver Waltz" and others in the Confessons of a Pop Fan room at Turntable.fm

F(ile) U(nder): STFU - Harry Potter edition

My mail, sent at 1:00 a.m. PST, opening day:

I read your review of 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 (3D)' and... you have to read the books to make an accurate critique. the movie had some good parts but changed things that were already well thought out and were perfect the way they were written. the director clearly did not know what real fans of the books wanted. and the books are the reason the story is even popular in the first place.