Cheese of Evil

Fans of Terry Pratchett will recall in the Wee Free Men trilogy that there was a cheese called Lancre Blue which had to be nailed to the table to stop it attacking the other cheeses.  Lancre Blue is a lightweight when it comes to bad-tempered cheeses because I've found one that is positively evil by comparison.  

The cheese in question, my friends, is Casu Marzu. It's a cheese made from sheep's milk by the good people of Sardinia. It is not, however, something that you would be advised to select as a tasty end to your evening meal.

Why not?  Well, if you look closely (not to be advised as I'll discuss later), you can see that the cheese is in fact seething with thousands of maggots of the cheese fly;  their digestion of the fats in the cheese makes it very soft, in fact almost liquid in places. Don't think by the way that they are removed before eating; oh dearie me, no. Connoisseurs of Casu Marzu believe that to eat the cheese complete with larvae heightens the experience. They also consider it an aphrodisiac - makes sense of course because nothing says sexy as much as eating maggot-infested cheese. 

I mentioned earlier that it's not a good idea to look too closely at the cheese itself - this is because the maggots can in fact jump up to six inches if disturbed and slicing the cheese up to eat it counts as disturbing them.

So, you've taken a big mouthful of Casu Marzu, complete with little passengers. I bet you're saying to yourself "my stomach acid will kill the larvae". Guess again - they're usually still alive by the time they reach your intestines. With the tiny hooks in their mouth parts, they will often fasten onto the walls of the gut and start burrowing in.

Yes, cheese with hit points.

This is just the sort of thing that I could imagine being served up in goblin taverns - in fact, we could make this a little community project; cheeses with a little bite to them. Anybody got any suggestions? I'll count Casu Marzu as Entry no.1.

The Jukebox of Many Tracks - d100 Community Project

Right, since everybody had so much fun with the Cloak of Elviskind, I've decided to give the concept another, expanded shot. The same idea as with the Cloak, except that any artist is fair game. I've started you off with the first twelve. Let's see if we can get it to 100. As in Top 100.

1. Devil Woman – the player becomes convinced that the most virtuous female NPC in the campaign is in fact a denizen of the infernal regions in a very convincing disguise. They must try to convince everybody else that this is the case. No matter what the NPC tries to do to prove their innocence, the player will find a way of interpreting it as more evidence of their diabolic nature.

2. Bridge over troubled water – the player can create an invisible force field which will support him and anyone within 20’ of him when crossing rivers, streams and estuaries. It will not work further than 100’ into salt water.

3. I can’t go for that (no can do) - whatever plan the player proposes will be met with either scepticism, hostility or derision. If he has hirelings or henchmen, they will refuse to accept orders and nobody else in the party will blame them for doing so.

4. Addicted to Love – the player must spend each night with a member of the opposite sex or the next morning begin to suffer effects that are the same as those incurred by a broken geas.

5. Killing me softly with his song – the player will receive the ability to sing, once per day a melody that will send all who listen to it into a deep catatonic trance that will be 90% likely to be mistaken for death. Local bards will be very keen to either find out the secret of the song or silence the singer forever.

6. Kung Fu Fighting – the player acquires the martial arts abilities of a monk of the same level.

7. The way we were – on selecting this track, the player and everyone who hears it will revert to the 1st level version of their characters.

8. Walk like an Egyptian – the player acquires the head of a jackal and must locate the cure deep within a lost pyramid.

9. Brass in Pocket – when this track is selected, the player generates a field which causes all precious metal within 20’ of him to become brass imitations.

10. Stayin’ alive – when this track is selected, the player acquires the ability to survive beyond –10. However, once this power has been activated, they will effectively become a living corpse, not able to eat, drink, breathe or generate body heat. Any wounds will not heal and must be manually repaired.

11. Gypsies, tramps and thieves – somehow the player has inherited the leadership of a band of travelling folk who now look to their new leader to see to their welfare and help them out with the problems they seem to be having with the local law enforcement

12. You’re So Vain – the player will become convinced that he/she has 18 CHA and will get very irate if this is not recognised by all around.

13. Close to you - the character can command twice as many followers as normally allowed by their charisma
(Bob)

14. Princes of the Universe - the character will be treated as if they are a member of the ruling class
(Bob)

15. Search and Destroy - The PC may name a type of monster. They get +4 to hit and damage against that monster type until they kill one, at which time they may choose another monster. If they try to repeat a monster they've done before, this ability is lost.
(Rod)

16. Dancing on the Ceiling - Gravity is reversed for the PC and he falls to the ceiling, which is now his floor. Cannot leave the dungeon or will fall into the sky. Needs to be tethered like a lead balloon to a heavier object, brought to town and have Remove Curse cast by a name level cleric.
(Tedankhamen)

17. Hello, is it me you're looking for? - The next NPC the PC meets will become their stalker, follow them around, and basically show up when not wanted. Will turn dangerous if rebuffed, will also follow the PC into dangerous situations and need constant rescue.
(Tedankhamen)

18. Ring of Fire - the PC has a ring of living flame materialize around one of his/her fingers, which allows him/her to cast one randomly selected fire-based spell each day. The ring burns the wearer for 1D2 damage each day, until it is dispelled by remove curse.
(Raskolnik)

19. Five Feet High And Rising - the PC gains the ability to raise the water level of small streams, brooks and rivers, but not lower it.
(Raskolnik)

20. I Won't Back Down - An unfortunate lapse in judgment impairs the PC until this curse is removed. The PC will never consider retreating or stop from getting into fights where the odds heavily skew against him/her.
(Raskolnik)

21. One Piece At A Time - the PC can clad him/herself in a magical suit of armor once each day. The armor has the properties of mastercraft full plate, is weightless, looks ethereal and lasts for the PC level x turns. The 23 separate pieces of the armor only materialize at a rate of 1 piece per round however.
(Raskolnik)

22. Walk Like a Man – the player has an unfortunate effect on all women who come within 15’ of him; they acquire male…ahem…accessories. Other than that, they will still be women – just very, very angry ones, now with added testosterone!
(Daddy Grognard)

23. Always Something There to Remind Me - whenever the PC enters a town, building or meets anybody new, a sphere bearing a magic mouth will appear and begin to recite their adventures, exploits and achievements. This sphere cannot be struck or damaged in any way.
(Daddy Grognard)

24. Constant Craving - the player is overcome with an uncontrollable hunger which prompts him to consume the party's entire rations (unless stopped). If the party is in town, he will raid any food outlet. Once he is sated, he will rest for 1d6 hours and then wake ravenous again. If there is no food available, he will start on dead bodies and if there are none of those available...
(Daddy Grognard)

25. Thunderstruck - All within 60' are affected by a power word stun as a series of power chords from the jukebox causes the room to reverberate.
(Satyre)

26. Hell's Bells - The jukebox tolls sonorously for 3 rounds, the first round summons an erinyes, the second round a barbed devil, the third round a horned devil. These will work together to cause as much mayhem as possible and steal the jukebox.
(Satyre)

27. Highway To Hell - The jukebox belches smoke and shines with crimson light. Those who touch the jukebox are plane shifted onto the first plane of the Nine Hells.
(Satyre)

28. She Blinded Me With Science - A female gnome in leather armour and various implements of alchemy and artifice pops out jack-in-the-box fashion and blows a cloud of dust into the face of whoever stands before it. They must save or be blinded for d10+2 rounds.
(Satyre)

29. Uptown Girl - the PC has become the latest infatuation of the romantic daughter of a very important personage, either a rich merchant, noble or mage. The girl will shower her new beloved with presents appropriate to her status and try to persuade him to name the day. Her family, however, will not be pleased that their daughter has seen fit to try to bring an...ahem...adventurer...into the family. Think Shrek meeting Fiona's parents

30. Whiskey in the Jar - the PC now has an affinity for a particular beverage (not necessarily whiskey) and when he drinks a pint thereof, it has the same effect as a Potion of Healing. This only works for him.

Bad Medicine

Here's another Community Project. The travelling medicine show, although popular in the late 19th century would, I should imagine, have its analogy in the D&D world. Despite the presence of clerics and other healers - with whose treatment might come spiritual or theological attachments - the travelling potion peddler would expect no other payment than the metallic variety.


Usually, the bottles contain little more than coloured water and a touch of something to make it taste unpleasant, but sometimes, the potions actually work - although not in the way that the manufacturer intended. Sometimes, these bottles turn up in places other than the potion seller's wagon.


Suggestions are therefore sought for potions and concoctions that, whilst seemingly harmless or at the very most mildly discomforting, may have side effects that cannot, at the time of drinking, be anticipated. Name, effect, duration, cost and a few words on the colour and taste are what we need here.

It could be a d30 table or, if we get particularly creative, get bigger than that.

So far, we have....


Priapic Vigor:

Thick amberish liquid said to increase male sexual performance (allegedly made from extract of satyr musk, and other natural ingredients). 40% of the time it does absolutely nothing, 20% of the time it may cause priapism, and 20% of time the imbiber will be distracted for 1d4 hours due to recurrent thoughts of lascivious encounters and there prowess therein. Cost: 2-8 sp.

(Trey)


Dwarf Balm:

This jar of purpilish-brown grease emits a noxious odor similar to simmered Assassin Vine and is sold mainly as a unguent to salve minor cuts and abrasions. However, when rubbed on the belly or under arms, the balm has a 1 in 6 chance of increasing a dwarf's height by 3 feet for 1d6 days.

Of course, if this does happen to a dwarf, how will he fit into his armor?

Cost: 10-15 sp

(Matthew W. Schmeer)



"Your love is like a bad medicine" potion.

Upon imbibing this tasty peach-coloured solution, the PC will begin to feel queasy and ill whenever in the presence of someone who is in love, has a crush on, flirts with or is a family member on good terms with them.

The effect lasts 2d4 days, during which they receive -2 to all defenses while around loved ones or romantic interests.

(Janus)


Cap'n Jax Original Gargling Tonic

This shimmering sapphire-blue liquid, said to be based on the original elderberry vinegar formulae perfected by the legendary Cap'n Jax Ironshodson of the King's Expeditionary Force, is a powerful cleanser guaranteed to soothe a sore throat and clear mucus from your membranes.

There is a 2-in-6 chance (1-2 on 1d6) that an adverse reaction will render the user mute and turn the tongue pitch black for 2d6 days.

Cost: 20-25 sp.

(Matthew W Schmeer)



Doktor Bezoor's Linament

This noisome-smelling beige tincture is made to an exacting recipe. If applied to a poisoned wound within 3 rounds of the wound being made, it gives a second saving throw vs. Poison at a -4 penalty. It also depilates, removing all hair or fur from the wounded in 1d6 hours. This latter effect has ensured that Doktor Bezoor or his customers will never drink with a dwarf and live.
Cost: 100gp per jar (10 applications)

(Satyre)


Dr. Perrywinkle's Esoteric Pineapple Periplaneta Extract (Revised)

This light brown fluid tastes surprisingly good, like chocolate with a fruity note. The drinker will be compelled to drink more. However, everyone who drinks more than one bottel in the course of 24 hours will develop a mild form of light sensivity (-1 to all rolls in broad daylight).
Cost: 1 gp per bottle, 5 gp for six bottles

(RorschachHamster)


Nizzzle Lozenges

These dark amber disks are the size of a human thumbnail and taste of fenugreek and anise. Said to increase sluggish blood and cure digestive ills, they do just that, but also turn the user's skin a silvery-blue for 1d6 days. If used for more than 3d6 times in row, the effect will be permanent and require a remove curse spell cast by a cleric (and only a cleric) of at least 2.5 times the sufferer's level.

Cost: 17 sp.

(Matthew W Schmeer)

Woodland Dangers - the pdf

Remember that post "If you go down to the woods today?"

Well, using Cute pdf writer, I've made the full thing available as a pdf on Dropbox.

EDIT - I've now taken the PrintFriendly coding out of my blog HTML as it seems it was causing problems for the downloading. Thanks to Biopunk for highlighting that problem. It should work now. Let me know if you still have problems.

If you go down to the woods today...

Yesterday, I posted an adventure for bears that included a table of natural hazards and interesting things to be encountered on a journey through forest terrain. As a Community project (and a nod to Gorgonmilk), I wanted to throw this one open to my followers to see if we can beef up the d12 table into a d30 one.

What I want are non-monster hazards and features that have hidden dangers or features, along the lines of what's already there. Let's see if we can make woodland travel really hazardous again...

1. Landslide – either (1d6 1-3 the path ahead has crumbled away and leaves the party having to turn back or try a very risky way round or 4-6 the terrain above the party comes crashing down on them, with all the hazards that this will entail)

2. Quagmire – the party finds itself stuck in a marshy bog with the following consequences (1d6) 1-2 up to their waists, 3-4 up to their armpits, 5-6 up to their necks. Make a second roll and if a 6 comes up, a deep section of bog has been entered that is deeper than the party is tall)

3. Fallen tree – the path ahead is blocked. The blockage will extend 3d12 feet on either side of the path. The tree can be climbed over but horses and mules will have to be helped over or taken around the obstacle.

4. Wasps! A vicious swarm appears from an old tree stump and attacks the party and their mounts. The horses will panic unless either a ranger or druid is available to control them. Each party member who does not flee will take 1d3 of damage per round.

5. Precipitous slope – the ground pitches almost straight down in front of the party. Each party member must make a Climb Walls roll as if they were a thief of the equivalent level. Failure means the party member in question has plunged 1d30 feet with the appropriate damage when they come to a sudden stop. Horses and other animals will have great trouble descending. There is a 20% chance that searching to either side may reveal a narrow ledge whereby mounts can descend.

6. Woodland shrine, overgrown – either a cave or tumbledown stone walls signal what was once a holy site to a woodland deity. Now it is unused and overgrown but it may still have some lingering power. If the characters are of a diametrically opposed alignment, they will be struck down with a minor malevolent effect from page 162 of the DMG. A minor benevolent effect may be bestowed if the characters are sympathetic to the aims and beliefs of the deity. As mentioned in the DMG, the effects will last 1-4 weeks.

7. Poisonous berries – surely no-one would be so stupid as to eat those brightly coloured berries they can see growing in the bushes. Maybe not, but the horses might decide to try them. Or any other animals the party have with them. All animals that do try them must save vs. poison at +2 on the die or fall deeply unconscious and die within 1d12 hours.

8. Hallucinogenic flowers – as the party pass through this area, they will disturb the pollen of the flowers and this will cause hallucinations, the exact nature of which is down to the DM to decide.

9. Gorge – a deep gash in the ground blocks the way. It is like the precipitous slope except that on the far side of the river or stream at its bottom, there is another slope of similar steepness that needs to be ascended. Again, searching up and down the length of the gorge may find a place that is marginally easier to descend or ascend.

10. Midges! The swarming, biting cloud of insect pests makes the party’s life a misery. Each round that they are in this area, each of them will take 1hp of damage from the midges. All die rolls they have to make will be reduced by 1. Animals will be very bad-tempered and difficult to control.

11. Overgrown battle site – the bones and rusty armour tell a sorry tale of mortal combat and sudden death. Now, they are almost invisible amongst the undergrowth but there is a chance that some of the armour may be useable and a slim chance that some coins or magic may still be obtainable if the party dig hard enough. However, there is also a chance (10%) that the party will disturb something that was not meant to be troubled and a random undead entity will rise up to punish the interlopers (either skeleton, wraith, spectre or ghost)

12. Ancient statue – long-neglected and crumbling with the years, this is nevertheless indicative of something. Whether that something is a ruined mansion, a temple, the entrance to a dungeon complex or just a memorial to a forgotten family member, no self-respecting adventurers would pass it by without checking to see what else is in the neighbourhood. Of course, there is also the chance that it’s a stone golem that is waiting for some kind of trigger action.

13. A small freshwater creek crosses the path, just deep enough to fill the PCs' waterskins. Something drifts past the PCs while they are doing so:
1 a cloud of red liquid (this could be anything from blood to wine to a magical potion)
2 a toy ship
3 lots of feathers
4 lots of old leaves
5 a message in a bottle
6 lots of dead fish
There is something going on upstream...
(RorschachHamster)

14. Pit - A pit or sinkhole about 12 feet across mostly hidden by vegetation. It's filled with thick mist/smoke (perhaps it opens to subterranean caverns?) and from within the murky depth strange hissing sounds can occasionally be heard. (Trey)

15. Eremite - A hermit monk (Cleric 3) is picking mushrooms in the woods. He's unusually loqacious (you know, for a hermit) and will tell a friendly part what he knows about the local area--and possibly something about mycology if asked. (Trey)

16. Irritating foliage - Dense patch of nettles/sumac/poison ivy means those walking through must save vs. poison or be at -1 to hit and AC for the next hour. Any magical healing or herbalist can remove the effect. (Satyre)

17. Crowstorm - A murder of crows is disturbed by the passing of the PCs and fly upwards in a raucous mob, spoiling any chance of surprise on unsuspecting monsters. Wonder what they were eating? (Satyre)

18. Widowmaker - a heavy tree limb falls from the surrounding forest canopy. Make a DEX check; rolling lower than DEX means the PCs didn't get out of the way and got smashed by the branch. Roll 2d12 for damage (because they ain't called widowmakers for nothing!).
(Matthew W Schmeer)

19. Animal Graveyard - The dense forest opens to sparser ground with younger trees and overgrown grasses. Scattered everywhere underfoot are the bones of all sorts of forest creatures, from field mice and voles to bears, wolves, and elk. Most lie intact, where they fell. There is no way to move around or through the area without stepping on bones. None of the skeletons are animated, but the careful explorer might discover a unicorn with an intact horn (which can heal wounds and cure poison) among the dead. (Matthew W Schmeer)

20. Forest Fire-A bolt of lightning strikes a nearby tree, causing it to burst into flames. If the weather conditions are dry enough, the fire will catch and spread. The direction and speed of the blaze will depend on wind conditions. The fire will burn until it reaches a clearing, or a body of water. (Oublieditor)

21. What appears to be an ancient sword, driven to the hilt in a large stone. Both the sword and stone are covered with lichen and mosses. Clearing away the layers of growth will reveal faint, worn runes from a long-dead language carved around the stone's circumference. PCs with knowledge of arcane languages will be able to decipher the message to read "As this stone is to the earth, this sword is to the stone." There is no way to remove the sword from the stone. If a PC traces the runes with his or her fingers as the message is spoken (in the original tongue), the stone will levitate ten inches off the ground for 1d4 rounds. Under the stone are the crushed remains of three adventurers; what little rotted clothing remains indicates they came from different time periods. A rotted purse contains 10cp, 45sp, and 15gp. If a PC is caught beneath the stone when the levitation ends, they must make a successful DEX check, or suffer 2d6+12 points of crushing damage. If they roll a critical miss, then the PC must Save vs. Death. A successful save results in 2d8+12 points of crushing damage. (Matthew W Schmeer)

22. Forgotten hunter's trap. If the party is not actively searching for traps, then the character in the lead must save (versus petrification) or take 1d8 damage. Since the trap has been long abandoned in the forest undergrowth, it has become quite mucky and rusty, and anyone taking damage must also save versus poison, or the wound will become infected. (Kelvin Green)

23. Disturbed Graves. The PCs stumble upon a series of 1d8 ransacked cairns on the edges of the path. Each cairn is roughly human-sized, and the human remains are either missing, half-pulled from cairns, or dismembered and scattered about the underbrush. It appears to be the work of vandals or grave robbers more than the work of animals, although the remains show evidence of animal teethmarks. Nothing of value remains in the cairns or on the bodies. There is a 10% chance the PCs accidently stir up the ghost of one of the dead. The ghost will beseech the party to rectify the damage to the graves. If the PCs decided to re-inter the dead (at the ghost's behest or not) and perform a funeral rite, an emaciated terrier wearing a red collar will emerge from the underbrush and sit next to a cairn. Hanging from its collar is an emerald worth 3d30gp. The dog is friendly, and will allow the PCs to feed and pet it. However, once the PCs remove the emerald, the dog will disappear into the woods, never to be seen again. (Matthew W Schmeer)

24. The Crumbling Bridge - the party encounter a gorge (see 9) but this time, it's traversed by a stone bridge. However, it has suffered the ravages of wind and rain and is in a very parlous state. The party can cross it but there is a chance that
1. a stone nearby falls into the gorge
2. a stone on which one of them is standing falls into the gorge (save vs. DEX or go with it)
3. the entire bridge starts to crumble (the party have 1d12 melee rounds to get off the bridge before it falls into the gorge)

(note that there is also a 10% chance that the bridge is guarded by a knight in black armour who will challenge the best fighter in the party to a duel. If he is injured at any point in the duel, the knight will taunt the party that his injury is only a flesh wound) (Daddy Grognard)

25: Gewgaws. Hanging from the branches in this area are a number of small figures made of twigs, grass and leaves. They are of crude construction, but they do bear a slight resemblance to the party members (Kelvin Green)

26 Abandoned Well: overgrown with weeds and a rotten plank placed over the mouth, the well is either half-filled with a noxious, toxic liquid that used to be water or completely empty with sharp rocks awaiting the unlucky traveller who falls through the plank and down the 30+ feet. (Boric G)

27. Poacher camp. In a small clearing the PCs discover an abandoned poacher encampment. Hanging from the trees are several rotting animal carcasses, stripped of their hides, antlers, teeth, claws, etc. Flies swarm the area, and the carcasses are crawling with maggots and grubs. The ground is trampled and splattered with blood. There are collapsed tents, broken equipment, and large, hand-sized stones scattered around the camp. Trees around the outer edges are smashed and flattened, as if some large creature tore through the area. No tracks or footprints are visible. The rotting remains of two mules, their carcasses obviously gnawed on, can be found 100 yards away. The stones around the camp's fire are engraved with strange runes, and the burnt remains of something rubbery and tentacled can be found under the ash. (Matthew W Schmeer)

28. Lost? The PCs notice they've passed the same tree three or four times. The tree will continue to "follow" them for 1d8 rounds/turns (DM choice). Casting Detect Magic will make the tree glow with a bright green aura. (Matthew W Schmeer)

29. Stone Portal - the party encounter two monoliths standing perhaps five to ten feet apart. Whoever goes through (and there will be no result if they throw stones or other objects through) will vanish from the sight of the party. The PC in question will arrive on the far side 1d12 hours into the future and if he searches for his fellows, will find them not too far away, viciously slaughtered and partially eaten, already festering and covered in flies. He can return through the gateway but not until it has reset which may take 1d8 x 10 minutes. There is a 15% chance that returning through the gate may send him 1d12 hours into the past (i.e. before he stepped through the first time) (Daddy Grognard)

30. Forgotten Garden. The PCs stumble upon the remains of what was once a lush and beautiful topiary garden. The trees, bushes, and shrubs are all shaped into the forms of animals and monsters--badgers, bears, griffins, manticore, centaurs, sphinxes, kobolds, gnolls, etc--but are clearly overgrown and have not been trimmed for quite some time.

Creeping throughout the garden, entwined through all the shaped plants, is a Tantalus Vine (see comment from C’nor on this post.)

There is a 5% chance this is the Garden of the Hag Queen (Matthew W Schmeer)