Assalamualaikum,
(super long entry)
Thinking of jotting down the memory of my third baby in this blog. He was special. When I went to Madinah and Mekah to perform the Umrah in Dec 16, I specifically make a doa inside Raudhah for Allah to grant me a soleh healthy baby boy whom I will deliver early 2018. Allahuakbar, Allah granted me the doa.
During Syawal 1438H, I found myself pregnant with our third child. The EDD was in early March 18. I was so excited. The last time I delivered a baby was in 2014. The gap was 4 years.
I'm not the only one got excited. Along Kaisara & Angah, Khayra also were super excited.
As my previous pregnancy, I got the feeling that I'm pregnant before my period was due. Thus, the first UPT was soooo super blurry.
See. You have to really focus to see the second line. Blurr rigth? It was five days before my period due.
Not that blurry anymore during the supposed-period day. Alhamdulillah.
For my third pregnancy, I only feel nausea but I only vomit twice during my whole 11 weeks pregnancy. But I got headache instead. My theory would be since I couldn't got the nausea out through vomit hence the headache. For Along and Angah, vomit like 4-5 times a day was normal until 5 months of pregnancy. :)
Since I got headache and feel tired, I always lay down whether at home or office's surau. But around 10 weeks pregnant, EH and one of my colleague noticed that I'm not that tired anymore since I'm not laying down that often. Actually I also realised that but I thought it was the trimester changed impact.
On Friday, 18th August 17, I carried 2 bags full of pineapples to my office at 1st floor through stairs from the parking lot.
On Saturday, 19th August 17, I drove to Putrajaya with my kids to attend Isyia's birthday party at Molly Fantasy Kidzoona IOI City Mall. We're having fun there. Its my 11 weeks plus of pregnancy. When we arrived home around 2pm my tummy felt really uneasy. I vomit a lot at one go. I kept feeling bloated in my tummy the rest of the day.
Then the next day, Sunday 20th August 17, around 5pm when I went to toilet to pee, after that, I saw in the toilet bow a clear discharge with one tiny line of blood inside the discharge. Allah show me the sign. Allahuakbar.
Eventhough its only a tiny line of blood I don't know why I fell very nervous. During Khayra's pregnancy at 5 months, I experienced much more blood than this. Alhamdulillah we're survived.
We went to a clinic and arrived at 6.15pm on the same day. When the Dr. scanned, she asked me is it through that I was at 11 week at the time. When I said yes, she mentioned that it's weird since the measurement shows baby was at 8 week. Actually both me and EH noticed there was no heartbeat at the screen. But we wouldn't dare to ask. So was the Dr. She only said that she will write a refer letter to a specialist to get a second opinion. Later that night I experienced the second discharged with the blood line.
The very next morning, Monday 21st August 17, after EH went to work and the kids at school and at Sha2's house, I drove to Colombia Asia alone. My gynea asked me if the Dr. scanned at my tummy or via vagina? She asked cause for my special third pregnancy suddenly I experienced a retroverted or tilted uterus. It quite difficult to get a clear picture if I were to use ultra sound scan around my tummy. It is much clearer under. I said that the Dr. scan on my tummy. So the gynae decide to go under instead. She scanned about 5 mins without saying anything. But I could see clearly that the baby is still and no heartbeat. Then, she popped out the I-already-expected-yet-do-not-want-to-hear statement. "I'm sorry Zara, the baby is not developing. Still at the same size as we scanned last moth with a heartbeat. The baby might stop developing at 9 or 10th weeks. There's no heartbeat as well."
I couldn't cry at the time since I was thinking a lot in my mind. I asked her is it because I lifted heavy things since I remember about the pineapple. Or is it because of the food that I took since I remembered I ate some junk food when I couldn't eat something right to stop my nausea.
The she said its nobody's fault. It's not of lifting heavy stuff and it was least likely because of the food. Its more because of the baby himself. The chromosome maybe insufficient and he could not develop well. Or if he still develop, maybe he will not turn out to be a healthy baby due to lack of the chromosome. She gave me three options, one, induce using the new yet expensive sub since the former one is ban by the government. Second, DNC. Third, naturally. I opt for the third one.
Outside the gynae's room I burst into tears while waited for my appointment card. I called EH to informed. He also devastated with the news. I could hear through his voice. I felt in love with my baby already eventhough he's not born yet. Now I lost him. After getting the card, I sat still in the car at the parking lot for like 20mins with tears. Then I slowly drove to Aeon Big to buy some milk feeding bottles for Khayra. Again, I sat at the parking lot for like 15mins before I entered the mall. EH called again. He asked me where was I as he already at home. I said I wanted to buy the bottles and will grab some lunch at CRS before going home.
At home, I just lay down the bed. EH was at our living room. Then I lie on his lap on the sofa and shred some more tears yet no other sound was made by the two of us. Later, EH said, lets have our lunch. Then we ate. I still have the blood in the discharged. He suggest that we went to the hospital again tomorrow to have the induce. He was afraid if the baby came out while he was not around. It is better to supervise by the nurse and doctor. When the kids was home, I told them the baby is no longer with us. Along asked whether he still inside my tummy. I said yes but we have to force him out and then bury the tiny baby. Then she asked again, later when the baby is fully grown we can dig the grave and let the baby out? The I have to explain that the baby has no heartbeat and will not grow. The only way we want to see him is to be a great muslim and do good deeds and secure heaven. We have to solat, and when I couldn't finish the sentence she continued "fasting, recite Quran, listen to our parents. Then, we can enter the Jannah.". Alhamdulillah...
The next day, Tuesdays 22nd August 17, early in the morning I heard Along said to Angah in the bathroom while they're ready for school and Sha2's. "Adik, baby dah tak ada dalam perut mama. Cuba tanya mama baby ada tak lagi dalam perut mama". Then a heard tiny footsteps came towards me. A cute little hand gently pat my tummy and Khayra asked "Mama, baby dah tak ada dalam perut mama?". When I said yes, she replied "Oooo..okay". And went back to her Along. Really cute those too. Alahmdulillah..Syukran Ya Allah.
After sending them, at the gynae office, we told the her that we want to use the pills to induce. She mentioned that the pill cost RM 250 plus each and after three hours another pill will be used to induce. Per day the maximum pills to be used is three. Normally it will took 3 to 5 pills to get the baby out. I said okay. Then she arranged for my ward. We were told that they will call us back to inform when to return for warded.
We have our early lunch first. The nurse called around 12.20pm to inform that the ward was ready. We asked if 1pm plus is okay the she asked if we could come after lunch around 2pm and we said okay. We went home, packed for my things, performed our solah then went back to the hospital for admission at around 2.40pm.
I was escorted to my ward after we settled at the admission office. At 3pm a midwives came. She inserted the first dose for induce. She said due to my retroverted uterus, she could only place the pill near the uterus door. There was no opening yet. I felt mild contraction and EH was with me until 5pm. I was warded in double bedded room. But I was alone. The other bed was empty. EH went home to fetch the kids. At 6pm , the same midwives came to check the opening and since there's none, she inserted the second dose. This time, the contraction got stronger. My gynae came to check on me around 6.30pm. She said since there's no opening we have to see by 9pm if still no progress the third dose will be inserted. Last dose the day. Next morning she will check again on my condition. At nearly 7pm, EH arrived with the kids. They stayed until 8pm. I couldn't talk much since I was in pain. At 9pm, another dose was inserted. This time another midwives came. She also said its only 1cm opening.
My Room for A Night.
Later aound 12midnight I feel my pain getting stronger. When I got up to go to the toilet bowl they place beside my bed, I felt a rush. A blood clogs came out. I rang the nurse. They monitored the clogs and said it was a blood clogs and not the baby. They asked me to call them again everytime I peed. I went to toilet every hour and lots and lots of blood clogs came out and the blood rushed like I was peeing. They even need to change the bedsheet at 2am. I couldn't sleep as i have to bear the pain plus I also got scared since I was alone in a double bedded room. I turned on Ayat Manzil and Surah Yassin. At 3am I managed to get one hour sleep. At 5am, I rang the nurse again as the blood clogs was still coming. At 6am I ate a kurma and at 8am I ate a piece of bread. Around 8.30am my gynae came. She checked and found that I was fully dilated but the baby couldn't come out since the blood clogs blocked the path. She said she will assist with a forceps. Only Allah knows how uncomfortable and painful it was. Then, she said that she managed to get part of the baby and the rest out. But still there was still balance to be cleared. She asked the nurse to give me injection for my uterus to shrink and hope that the remaining will come out naturally. She said I need to fast in case of any emergency. She also asked the nurse to drip me with antibiotic for prevention of infection since I was dilated for quite sometimes. After finished dripping the antibiotic (After third try of finding the nerved) I felt suffocated. I rang the nurse and told about it. The called for my gynae. She asked to drip me water and provide me oxygen for half an hour. After that I said to the nurse I felt that way maybe cause I was in pain, tired and a bit starve.
Successfully dripping the antibiotic after the 3rd try.
Thank to Allah, EH arrived a short while after that. I need to pee and EH could assist me. I almost fainted. Then I lie on the bed with my head slightly higher. Felt better in that position. The blood kept coming out but much less that the whole night. At 3pm, I was so hungry and quite thirsty. I asked the nurse if I could break my fast but my gynae said to wait for her. She was in OT. At 5pm while EH was out to fetch our kids, I was pushed to my gynae's room to check my condition whether or not to DNC. She found 1.4cm remaining in my uterus and said I could do the DNC. I asked if I could do the wait-and-see instead. Alhamdulillah, she said since it was less than 2cm, then I can opt for not DNC. She will discharge me today with two types of antibiotics and set an appointment a week after i.e. 29th August, Tuesday. She said if I were to experience fever, chilled or heavy bleeding, no need to wait for the appointment, just come and they will perform emergency DNC.
When EH was back with the kids we have to wait until 8.30pm to fully discharge and return home.
EH wash our remaining still baby and placed him nearby our house. Al-Fatihah for my dearest baby...
On the 29th, the remaining reduced to 1cm. Another appoinment is set end of this month. InsyaAllah everything will be okay. We even went back to our hometown for a week on the 30th August.
Alhamdulillah. Thank you Allah to make things easy for me through all the process. Thank to my gynae and the nurses for their caring and attending.
Special thanks to my hubby Kamal Irfan for the warmth comfort and all the help. And to my daughters for making me cheer up. And to all my family, friends for the doas.
As for my unborn baby, Muhammad, mama loves you so much. Always pray that we will meet again in Jannah and will be reunited with mama, abah, along, angah and InsyaAllah your little siblings...
Miss you my darling angle..Muhammad...
Mama loves you...
Allah will not test you unless you could handle the test. InsyaAllah, He will granted me with a healthy, beautiful, soleh baby boy soon. Aminnn.....