Brain Storming: My Experience with Psychosis

     I want to share some thoughts I have been having about psychosis. It is defined as "loss of contact with reality". As a healthcare professional, I understand what that means. Being a nurse, I saw this fairly often when I worked at night in the hospital setting. A patient would suddenly rip out their IV because they thought it was poison, walk out of their room dripping blood and yell that we were trying to kill them. It really was like a storm, a strong, loud emotional response they were having to circumstances.  On a medical unit we would try to orient the patient to who we were (nurses/hospital staff), where we were at (the hospital), and the time (middle of the night) and try to get the patient back to bed. Most often the patient would calm down after some time. More often drugs were necessary to ease anxiety and I cringe to even think of how many times we applied physical restrains to keep patients "safe". I can't imagine being physically tied to a bed to be kept "safe" (like a dog tied to a pole), thankfully hospitals have now moved away from this practice.

     At the start of my "brainstorm" event, I thought my husband was going to die. I made him drive me to a place that is sacred to me (a temple). I had not slept in over 24 hours because I was up at night caring for our infant and expected to care for our 2 other children during the day. I desperately needed rest, but my body just kept going. I kept on talking, voicing every thought that came to my mind and it scared those people who were around me. I never threatened to hurt myself or others. My goal was to take care of my kids especially my infant. I missed my baby and my body still had the hormones running through my blood stream to care for him. It was terribly distressing to be ripped away from my nursing child for 10 days. I was, "always nice" according to my primary care provider who cared for me in the hospital and continues to manage my care.  I'm so grateful I was still in touch with reality enough to not be violent or combative. Whenever I heard of post-partum psychosis, images of scary women in orange jumpsuits in jail for killing their baby or trying to hurt them came to my mind. Now, I know that that is most definitely, not always the case.

     Delusional is a word used often used to describe someone with psychosis  (a belief held with strong conviction despite superior evidence to the contrary). Some of my "delusions" weren't necessarily false because death is one of those things we all have to face at some point. What was off during my event was the time perception. Losing track of time can be normal when you are daydreaming or sleeping, but it is not socially acceptable to do so in day to day communication. It made me hard to understand or not make any sense. Being a person who is normally cohesive in thought and action, of course my family became concerned and drove me to the ER. The problem with the ER is, they don't know me or my history. 

     I wish first line responders (ie. ER doctors) would gather as much information as possible before ordering medications because with out knowing all the facts, how can one judge another's reality and make appropriate decisions for them? I was placed on 30 mg of Haldol. This would be the equivalent of a horse tranquilizer. A normal starting dose is 0.5- 2 mg. For the next 7 days I was literally "out of it" and I stopped talking so much. This made the people caring for me feel better, but I was left feeling worse. Because this particular medication and route (intramuscular injection) was chosen, I had to quit breastfeeding my 5 month old.  Not being told this, I still continued to us my breast pump while hospitalized. I remember most of what went on in the psychiatric hospital. It felt like the movie Ground Hog Day; going through the same motions every day without thought. It became so boring that at one point I wished I could have died to be put out of my misery. Thankfully, my prescriber changed my medication to something much less sedating and an appropriate dose for someone who is drug naive. Only then, did I start to wake up. My God given ability to think and act were restored so that I could be well. Hallelujah.

So my friends, this is enough for today. Having, "lost my mind", I am sure grateful that I found it again. I am still quite sensitive to words used to describe people. The word "crazy" is no longer an acceptable term at my house. I hope you will do the same and choose words cautiously with regard to others, because really, who are we to judge one another.
   

Order after Chaos

     After my last blog post I was hopeful. However, something happened. I was a little too excited and too energetic for the future and it well... scared those around me. I ended up re-hospitalized for a week at a different mental health facility. I was ticked to say the least.
Allow me to explain...
Eli and I finally had the means to move out from my parents house to our own home.
Thanks to the internet, the next day we had a house rented.
We started moving in. My kids made friends. They played and had fun.
I was feeling brave and went to introduce myself to the neighbors and  I guess I did a bad job.
You all know me and hopefully you have met my mom. What do we do? We talk.... a lot.
Only, I am a little different than my mom in that I tend to be quite demonstrative and use loud hand gestures while communicating. I wish I knew sign language because I think I could be really good at it. Anyways.
Eli was concerned and drove me to the ER. So what does an ER in Las Vegas do to someone who is "acting bizarre"? SNOW THEM WITH DRUGS, OF COURSE! Again I was ticked. How dare they take my husbands word over mine and inject benzodiazepines in my buttocks?!
It didn't do much. I still did what I do and  calmly engaged those around me in conversation. That is just what I do. I was bored, lying in a hospital bed with no reading material or handicraft to keep my hands busy or attention focused for over 8 hours. I hope I'm not the only one that would try and get to know the people around me who are also sitting in a hospital bed, in a hallway, without any friends or family around, just staring and waiting for "placement" at a hospital.
I was transferred to a facility and spent 7 days in hell or at least my version of what hell would be, but I will blog about that later. It gets my blood boiling just thinking about it and I don't like boiling blood, that's gross. I am going to opt to chill right now, take a breather and color a picture with my beautiful daughter who is currently singing songs at the kitchen table.

      My goal is to help people understand that those who have had issues with mental health aren't scary. They are actually quite awesome and need love and understanding. My best friend has cancer. It is easy to pour out love, care and concern to cancer. Cancer is tangible. We feel the lumps, see the cells, and see the scars to visually remind of the trauma. Mental health stuff is not cancer, but at this point, I wish I had a scar to show because I do have hurt, sadness, misunderstanding and emotions that leave me feeling pretty crummy. But, fear not. I have all the tools to heal and I am going to. I would be lying though if I didn't admit that I'm pretty scared. Now its really time to go color with my pretty daughter.

Love,

Janel

P.S. If you want to understand have a daughter or want to understand women better, consider reading this pamphlet designed for health care professionals. It was written in 2009 by the top 16 mental health experts in the country. Guidance statements numbers 7, 8, and 12 are quite empowering to me at this point in time.

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (2011). Addressing the Needs of Women and Girls: Developing Core Competencies for Mental Health and Substance Abuse Service Professionals. HHS Pub. No. (SMA) 11-4657. Rockville, MD: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.

Life has changed and so it's time to revisit my old friend.....my blog

Its crazy that my last post was a year ago. Little did I know what we were in for. I like to write and could tell you all the little details, but that would take to long for you as the reader and me as the author. So basically, my blog needs to change to"In a nutshell" because I have changed. The title "Hillstrom Family" the blog doesn't quite fit anymore because this is not my journal of my family (I still like to use pen and paper for that). This is my therapy, my thoughts on where I fit in this world, what is going on in my world and I go through this experience of life.

SO that being said, in a nutshell....The past year in review:

Oct 2013: I received a phone call this week that my best friend has cancer and my heart is sad. She starts writing her blog again and inspires me to do the same. Eli and I just rented our own home in Las Vegas, Nevada after a 6 months stay at my parents house while we were getting back on our feet after my husband lost his business in Vancouver, WA. We are in the middle of a move.

Sept 2013: For my 30th birthday I ended up locked up in a psychiatric hospital for 10 days. I had postpartum psychosis. I lost touch with reality. I went nuts. My brain was like a computer gone haywire, glitching and spitting our information rapid fire. I lost time. It sped up, it slowed down. I can't recall an entire week of my life and it feels weird. Once I got back in touch with reality and that I really was Janel Hillstrom, now age 30, now mother of 3, now living in Las Vegas, living with my parents, no longer a home owner (our house sale finalized the day before my husband has to take me to the ER), I feel like I don't know who I am. This isn't what I expected to be doing at age 30. I will blog about this experience more as I try to process it.

August 2013: My oldest son turns 6. I have been a mother for 6 years. I am happy to be a mom.

July 2013:  I missed my friends and family outside of Las Vegas. I rented a car, packed up my 3 kids ages 5, 3 and 2 months and drove to Denver, Colorado. It was really fun.

June 2013: I am recovering from having a baby...'nuf said.

May 2013: I had a baby. I say I because my husband couldn't be there. We live in Vegas and he was born in Irvine, CA. We named him Levi. He is beautiful and so was his birth. I will blog about that later.

April 2013: I am living at my parents house and growing a baby. I have 2 kids and no friends in Las Vegas. Life was weird.

March 2013: Eli decides to take a leap of faith and my brother buys him a plane ticket to interview for a job in Vegas. He gets the job and we will have health insurance, a steady income, and a fresh start. The job starts the next week and he can't fly back to move us. I'm 8 months pregnant. Working part-time and unaware I am the breadwinner. I have the responsibility to 2 kids while my husband is away. I don't have any money for daycare. I don't fell like reaching out to my friends/family. I am tried. I will blog about our move later.

February 2013:The business is still struggling. My husband is working through the night to try and make more $. My sister in law has a baby in Vancouver. We were excited to see them in the hospital, but also realizing we have a baby on the way too.

January 2013: The business is struggling. My husband is working through the night to try and make more $. Its not fun to see a man work so hard to support his family and not see the results of that hard work. I am happy to haul in firework to keep our fireplace warm and have friends come over and play games with me to distract me from my current situation.

December 2012: Things are tight, but we aren't talking about finances to save face. It was a light Christmas on our end, but family and friends make up for our shortcomings. Our kids make us happy. My present to Eli was a picture with the result of the ultrasound I had a few weeks prior.  I hadn't looked yet so we were both surprised to find that...We are having a son.

November 2012: My husband wholly took over a business one month ago. The money isn't coming in and it is stressful. My house is old, cold, needs work and we are trying not to turn on the heat to save   have money to pay other bills.  My husband is working all night to try and get ahead. This isn't very fun, but I have hope.

And with that, my blog is caught up. My, that feels good. I loved being a blogger when this first came out, but then I got caught up in...well.. keeping up. My house, my car, my clothes, my job, my husbands job, our income, my stuff doesn't matter to me right now.  And that is okay. I'm okay. My relationships with my family and the people in my life are the most import thing to me right now. I missed everyone while I was locked up. So I'm back friends. I've missed you.

Lots of Love,

Janel

What?! An Update after 8 months? Who does that?

 Catch up on 8 months of Blogging? Aaaah! Yeah, I can do that at 2:45 am when the insomnia strikes again. I'll have you know I have tried to post a couple times, but I couldn't get my photos to load so I would get frustrated and give up. Recently my Grandma Higham (now deceased) reminded me how important it is to record things and my Grandma Harker reminded me how much she likes these update. So I shall proceed....

 Winter was cold. We had snow a few times which was so fun.

 But the snow melted and out came spring.

We took a trip to Vegas the end of April which was so fun. 

 On Memorial Day we were given a trampoline. It has been well loved by many thus far.

 In May, Jacob earned his white belt in Tae Kwon Do. This past week, he finally was brave enough to Gi hap (pronounced Key-yap) or yell when he kicks. He is now the most senior in his class of 3 kids and loves it.

 I have actually kept up on the Sunday photo before church. Unfortunately, Mason hates photos and wont look at me and Jacob likes to be silly. Oh well.

 In June, we went camping with friends. It was a ball. I think we need a boat someday. Eli is the best jumper offer of things. I am the best first time getter upper on ski's or wakeboards type things. We had so much fun. I get sore just thinking about it.

 Somewhere in there Eli surprised me with a new phone. Instagram, Facebook, Word with Friends.....the addictions  fun applications are endless.

 This summer, Jacob was obsessed with all things crafty ie. paitning.

 In August he turned 5. Funny enough, he and Mason (age 3) are thought be twins by many strangers.

 In September, my grandma Higham passed away, which I should be sad about, but really felt nothing but peace after I found out. She was suffering and it was her time to go be with my Grandpa. I had some very special and sacred experiences. Death is a very humbling time. I felt watched over and protected as I hopped in the car  with my 2 sweet kids at 9 pm  and drove through the night to try and get to Utah before she passed. It was a memorable trip. The song, " Swing Low Sweet Chariot" which was sung at her funeral now holds a special place in my heart. I also was able to spent some one on one time with my mothers parents, as my grandpa Harker had to spend most the night in the Urgent Care due to some health issues. I felt so grateful to be the family nurse and able to be with them and just talk for hours.

 J & M were so lucky-- they drove my uncle's digger.

Then the much awaited day (Sept 25) came-- Mason turned 3! And I turned 29 and my dad 52. She started with preschool and loves it. She loving calls it, "my preschool" and loves her teacher, "grandma Pam" (who is not her grandma btw).

Jacob also started kindergarten, actually more of a home school kindergarten. He goes to class two days a week for two hour and I am accountable for 6 hours of instruction in the home. I am still figuring it out, which is a tad stressful as I find it hard due to the time factor. But, he is loving it, so it is worth me figuring it out.   

Now it is October (now that 8 month catch up wasn't so bad). Eli is busy, taking over Procomfort Medical Vancouver (Nathan my brother has Procomfort Medical Las Vegas up and running) and we are moving locations tomorrow. It is going to be good for Eli, but stressful at the same time as now he is basically starting his own business. Now it is not a complaint, because believe me I have complained plenty, but I realize 2012 has been a whirlwind for our family due to his learning to make orthotics in January, while managing a business, and being the entire sales force for the business. I am looking forward to the future. It is exciting. 

Oh and we are having another baby sometime in May. Mason keeps telling us it twins named, "Ashton and Galla" (a boy and a girl apparently). We shall see......

Valentines Schmalentines

February has been spent breaking one of my new years resolutions-- to do less home improvement projects and play with my kids more. I just can't help myself. All the doors upstairs needed to be painted white.

I have kept one of my resolutions to take a photo of the ninos each Sunday before church.

This one is my favorite thus far:

Followed by this one of Jake trying to eat his sister:

My other resolution to get together with Sisters-in-law, wax our facial hair, and practice looking sexy is up and running full force (don't hate me girls):

Who could resist that right? Well, Valentine's day was pretty bogus. Eli was anti-love and affection that day. Thank goodness I have some friends that showed me some TLC. Eli made it up to me though-- cleaned the house, watched the kids, and let me go to the Temple then get a massage. He's pretty awesome and a good dad. I don't get it. Jacob and Mason spend all day with Eli on Friday while I am at work. I come home from work and who do they want to throw their arms around, hug, kiss, and play with?----daddy. Yeouch! that hurts. Oh well. Jake says I'm cool too...only when we do crafts. And that is about it with the Hillstrom fam this month. Hope you all are keeping your resolutions better than I am.

Love,

Janel

A Very Happy New Year and Belated Merry Christmas

We're off to a good 2012. We have been working really hard to get our basement ready for a renter. I had to warm up to the idea of not having my entire house to myself-- even the deep dark cold basement parts that we seldom use. I think it is going to be a great blessing for our family.

Eli bought me a new camera for Christmas-- nothing too fancy, but I am still getting used to it, so please bear with me.

Jake is into jammies. I have to beg him to go anywhere (except church and preschool), convince him of the need to put on normal clothes, and as soon as we get home he is immediately back into PJ's--not the same pair of course.

His morningwear pictured below:
Lunchtime attire:
Playwear: (he is also into funny faces and gang signs)
Mason is shaping up to be quite the little chef. It only makes sense as she is eating something or asking about eating 11 out of her 12 waking hours. She is a Higham for sure. She is always cooking something in her play kitchen. I love her beside me in the kitchen because this is what I used to do with my dad.
She insists on "painted toes". Fingernail polish or fingernails all share that same name.
She is 90% potty trained thanks to some very convincing women:
Merry Christmas 2011
Christmas eve 2011
Mason-- Drunk off cholocate
Jake fake sleeping so Santa will come:
Hope you all had a nice holiday and have a great 2012.

Laughter: The Best Medicine

We have had sick kids the last few weeks. Eli is always willing to stay home with the kids. This past Sunday we were doing an early thanksgiving feast as my parents were visiting. My mom and dad and I went to sacrament meeting, while eli and the kids stayed and prepped for our feast.

Last year we made place cards for the thanksgiving table, so in keeping with traditions the kids and I started making some. Eli finished making while we went to church.

We came home to such a nice table:


Then there was this:

Oh, he can only wish......

Apparently a Victoria Secret catalog came in the mail.