The Summer of My Life.

Going in to this summer, I believed it would either be the best summer of my life, or the worst summer of my life.

I knew the outcome was up to me. It would be nobody's fault but my own if this summer sucked.

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Our family has had some big changes since the spring.

Sometimes, people still surprise me.

People I thought would be in our life forever and ever were so quick to exit. I felt abandoned and misunderstood. I felt vilified by those I trusted.

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For the first summer since before Macy was born, I had no respite help for Carter. Carter has grown immensely, and so have I. But I still questioned my ability to care for him all day, every day, without help. And when would I have time for Macy and Silas, who still need snuggles from their mom?

I felt like I was headed into the perfect storm. The clouds were forming. The forecast didn't look good. I wanted to hide in the basement and let the whole thing pass. I wanted to wait it out, and come out later with the sun shining and rainbow beaming.

I had a choice. It was a choice I made every day. Show up and face the storm, or hide in the basement?

Most days, I chose to show up. Some days, I watched the storm from the safety of my couch, hiding my face under the blanket as the thunder crashed. Other days, I watched the storm from my lawn chair on the patio with a vodka lemonade and laughed as the hail hit my face.

Our summer was amazing.

So many things contributed to our success. Things like scheduling time throughout our days to sync up together, getting out of the house to adventure together, involving the kids in my to-do list, or just ripping up my to-do list and sitting on the floor with them.

I have at least a dozen pictures of Macy and Carter walking away, holding hands.
This is Macy's jam.

But I think the biggest reason for our success wasn't something I did within the 10 hours of our day.

It was the set-up.

Looking back, I feel like I had an amazing team of people surrounding me. People who encouraged me, taught me, confronted me, pushed me, pulled me...they all gave me the tools I needed to face the storm.

I'd write each of you a thank you note, and slip a Benjamin in each one, but we all know God is Right & Just. You'll each get what I owe you, I promise.

Without these people, I think I'd be sitting here today with tears in my coffee, filled with so much regret and pain.

But here I am, rejoicing. Excited about the future. Confident in how I've handled myself in the midst of this entire situation. Ready for the next adventure. Embracing the long storms, and enjoying the quick rainbow-glimpses.

I've had many people help me grieve the season we're ending, and prepare for the season ahead.

I'm more ready than I've ever been.

Not every moment was a win! I remember this particular day to be a complete shit-show.

Raise your vodka lemonade to the Summer of 2019.

Best summer of my life.

Slowness. Growth. Adventure.

Check, check, and check.

Bye, Crib.

I was only 27, and we didn't have much money, but on the brink of becoming a Mommy I spent a ridiculous amount of time picking out a crib. 

This was before the days of Pinterest, so I had to do the hard thing and actually search websites. On my own. Without influencers telling me all my options. 

I wanted it to be white, but not too white. I wanted it to be a warm white, but not yellowish. I wanted the rails to be simple, not ornate. I wanted it to look solid, like an heirloom piece that we could use for all of our future kids. I wanted it to be affordable, but not cheap.

I got what I wanted, at a good price.

Three babes of ours have used this piece of furniture. That's all it really is - just a piece of furniture. Some wood and glue and screws. That's all it is, tangibly.

But this piece of furniture that was once in pristine condition now has teethmarks on the top rail.

I placed all three kids in this crib on their first days home. I stared in awe that this once empty crib now held the toddler I've only just met. I marveled at how tiny our fresh babies were as they laid on the mattress that suddenly seemed so large. I rocked all three babies and laid their limp, sleepy bodies down in this piece of furniture.

When they were sick, I'd sit outside their crib and watch them to make sure they were okay. When we had a rough day, I'd do the same. Did I damage them too much today? Look how sweet she is - how could I ever be mad at her? How could I ever get frustrated with him?

Today, we're saying goodbye to this piece of furniture. Our family has outgrown it. And as much as I want to embrace growth, this one hurts a little. This is just a piece of furniture, but it feels like so much more than that. It feels like part of us.

I've been sharing with Jake this is weirdly hard for me. I feel sad about it.

Babies are easy.

Yes, they cry and fuss and haven't figured out how to sleep through the night or wipe their own body parts. Dealing with all of that can be hard.

But when I look into the eyes of my almost-four-year-old as she asks me "What does dead mean?" I'd be glad to go back to the restless nights of teething. When my big fourth grader is dealing with all kinds of emotions that he can't tell us about and I can't understand, I'd love nothing more than to wrap him in his blanket and rock him to sleep.

With babies, everything is better after a little snuggle and a little nap.

With big kids, it is not so.

                   

 

When they were babies, I felt successful because they ate their squash and made it through a morning of errands without crying.

Now that they're big kids, I feel like I've failed by 9:00am every day. They are incredible kids - all three of them, but I sometimes can't keep up with them. They have so many questions - needs - demands - and am I doing this right?!

This one wants a snack, that one needs help in the bathroom, this one has playdoh smashed in his hair, that one wants to play dolls with me and she's asking so sweetly, that one just spilled his water, this sensitive one needs some snuggles because he pinched his finger, oh - and it's almost time for dinner but I forgot to start the slow cooker 5 hours ago so I guess we'll just eat a plate of fruit and cheese and call it charcuterie.

Am I doing this right?

Sometimes it feels like a big mess and a snuggle in the crib won't fix that.

That's why I'm sad. It's not the crib, it's the season.

Bye, easy babies. Bye, snuggles that fix everything. Bye, cribs that keep us safe and comfortable and contained and small.

Yesterday when I was lamenting about how sad this is, Jake jokingly asked if I wanted him to reverse his vasectomy. My response (in gif form) was "HELL TO THE NO". This is not about wanting more babies. This is about grieving a season that's quickly ending. If I grieve this well, I believe I can dive into the big kid season with even more passion.

So, the crib is gone. But the pictures and the memories and the feels are here to stay.

Sweet Gibson babies, snuggling you was one of the greatest joys of my life. And helping you grow into excellent kids will be even better, I'm sure of it.

But snuggling your mom once in a while won't hurt. Go easy on me, kids. I've got much to learn.

"What Happened To You?" - A Stream of Thoughts.

I was cleaning up some files on my laptop recently, and came across this photo.

This photo was sent to us by our facilitators in Ukraine, just weeks after we had initiated the process to adopt Carter (April 2011). As a soon-to-be-mom, all I could think was how sweet his round face was, how sleepy and snuggly he looked, and how I couldn't wait to get him home.

October and November are typically rough months for us.
We met Carter on October 7, 2011.
We passed court in Kiev on October 24, 2011.
We took him home to our apartment in Kiev on November 9, 2011.
We arrived back in America on November 15, 2011.

Something dawned on me this past summer. Silas was about four months old, and I realized he was the same age that Carter was when his birth parents left him at the orphanage. At four months old, Silas was fully aware of his Mommy and Daddy. He was interacting with us, he looked for us, he loved laughing at his brother and sister, and he already was showing signs of 'stranger danger'.

I felt a lump rising in my throat when I realized that Macy, who is now two-and-a-half years old, is still a year younger than Carter was when we adopted him.

From one of our orphanage visits, October 2011

Carter has been 'ours' for six years now. And I'm just starting to feel the pain for the three-and-a-half years he spent in an orphanage.

We often talk about Macy and Silas being little sponges, who just soak up everything around them - the information presented to them, the experiences they live each moment, the things they see and hear and feel. They soak it all up and it's up to us to help them sort it all out.

Carter was a little sponge, too. For three years, he soaked up everything around him. We're just now sorting it out.

When I was filling up my gas tank the other day, the air was cool and crisp and just a little damp. The truck that was idling next to me gave off some exhaust. The gas station attendant on his break had just lit a cig. And I was taken back to Ukraine. My heart used to long to go back.

I don't long for Ukraine anymore. I grieve for how Ukraine altered our journey.

I often wonder who Carter is without the layers of trauma. I often wonder how long I'll be grieving the loss of that Carter. I often wonder if I'll ever stop hoping that he'll wake up and be healthy and whole.

Recently, our county case worker and I were having a discussion about trauma. She mentioned that they've been having more frequent trainings about trauma, and even schools are recognizing the role trauma plays in the lives of so many kids. She said "One course changed my thinking from 'what's wrong with you?' to 'what happened to you?'"

What happened to you, sweet boy?

From one of our orphanage visits, November 2011

From a blog I posted after a week or so of meeting Carter:
"Do we love him? Yes. Undoubtedly, yes. Not because he fits our expectations - but because we have chosen to love him, DESPITE our expectations. We know there will be difficult, awkward days ahead. That's okay. Love is a choice, we believe. It's not an emotion or a feeling. No - it's an ACT. And we'll choose to love him - hard or easy, fast or slow, up or down."

This is our story. Choosing to love a boy who had so much happen to him.

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Carter brings an incredible value to our family, and we are thankful every day for how he's impacted our lives.

The thoughts that I share in this post are me, being vulnerable and genuine.

We used to excitedly celebrate all the Adoption Dates in October & November. We don't really celebrate those dates, anymore. Now we just celebrate Carter, and the growth that he's worked so damn hard for.

One Thing I Know For Sure: Loving him, more every day.

Our Christmas, In A Nutshell.

Our tree is still in it's place, and I'll be enjoying it for a few more days. But - Christmas is clearly past. Lights are hanging off, pine needles cover the floor, and the bottom half of the tree looks like it's been redecorated by a toddler (because it has). 

Toys scatter the living room, yet to find their new place. Kids sprawl on the floor, absorbed in the newness of each toy. 

Oh, and daddies! Daddy is home, making breakfast each day and working on little projects each afternoon. He took the whole week off to be with us, and we are soaking it up.

Christmas has passed (and I'm ready for the tree to go, and the new toys to be organized) - but we're still enjoying the fruits of it. Here's what we're remembering.

HO HO HO.

In mid-December, He came again! Carter knew it was time and sat eagerly by the door for almost an hour before he showed up.

Carter was thrilled to be getting "santa presents".

Macy, on the other hand, was happy to watch Santa from a distance this year :) We just let her hang out where she was comfortable, and enjoy Santa in her own way.

And a family gathering isn't a family gathering without a cake from NaNa :) This one took her almost 3 hours to pipe all the frosting.

Guess how long it took us to eat it?

(Are you wondering why we have candles? Carter Law states that one cannot eat cake without candles. Candles make everything more special, don't they?!)

Thanks, Santa, for helping to fill our kids with wonder and excitement. See you next year!

THREE MORE CELEBRATIONS.

Yes, I said three. At least this year they were spread out over three days, which makes it a lot easier on the kiddos. I'll spare you the details of each celebration. All you really need to know is that our kids are loved a whole lot, by a whole lot of people.

Macy enjoyed her role as Official Gift Hander-Outer at GG & Grampies house. She had us in stitches - certain that SHE knew who the gift should go to better than the rest of us.

Little helper girl, just too sweet for words.

"Panthee dweth" :)

Carter enjoyed ripping open his gifts, and showing genuine excitement at the contents of each package. Carter's theme this year was garbage trucks, garbage cans, and 'trucks and boats' (and basically anything else with wheels). Our family understands the things that make this boy tick, and they did not disappoint with their gift giving.

If anyone needs mini garbage cans, we've got about 17 to spare.

As therapy ended in the fall, we realized that most of Carter's toys had a negative emotion tied to them (since his own toys were used for therapy purposes). I removed many of his toys throughout the fall, so Christmas was a great time for us to update his toy selection and get some new, exciting things in the house!

We also looked for toys that both kids could play with, together or individually. This little Melissa & Doug Magnetic Puzzle Book has been a hit, along with the Melissa & Doug Doorbell House (complete with keys to unlock each door!).

Also, as I was wrapping gifts up, I had the brilliant idea to remove the packaging from all battery operated gifts, and place batteries in them! I'm glad I did - each toy could be played with right away which eliminated tons of frustration and chaos.

CHRISTMAS EVE.

Possibly my favorite moment of the whole Christmas Season - the candlelight Christmas Eve Service. This year was different - Jake gave a message, which left me with two kiddos. One kiddo was silly to the max, the other was having nothing to do with the snacks I packed (because...why can't we go in the nursery?!).

I spent most of the service in the nursery by myself with my two spunky kids (Thanks for filling in for a few minutes so I could hear Jake, Rach! I appreciate it!). This is just the season that we're in. I can't say that I love it, but it's where we are. I'm growing, and learning how to be quicker to respond in love for my kids - slower to respond in selfishness and pride.

We snuck back into the service just in time for Silent Night, sung by candle light. We had no candles, one kid was climbing Jake like a monkey, the other kid was wondering why we weren't blowing out the candles, and Jake and I exchanged a look that translates to "It's okay". It was a special moment, and I'm thankful for it.

One little picture of our two Christmas Eve kids. This blurry, goofy picture sums up our night.

Our Christmas was so full - full of activities, full of people, and full of love. Kids, I hope that when you look back on your childhood Christmas celebrations you remember love. The presents are fun, the 'panthee dwethes' are nice, the candle light service is special, but love is what this is really about.

I'll leave you all with this. My favorite snap of the whole Christmas Season. Two siblings, just enjoying something together. Unexpectedly, this is doll house is a favorite for both kids.

Cozying up, snuggling in, quieting down, choosing love.

This was our Christmas.

One Thing I Know For Sure: Love.

Bye, Summer.

This morning, I peeked in on a little 8 year old and rousted him from his sleep. Eyes barely cracked open, arms stretching big - and then: "SCHOOL!". 

Yes, Carter. Today is school. The first day of second grade.

Our morning was practically from a fairytale.

Breakfast as a family  - pancakes and bacon, of course. Everyone was happy and cheer-filled as we got ready. There were so many hugs and kisses, I lost count.

It was a perfect morning.

Just kidding. Our morning sucked.

To make a long story short - my car battery died, and Carter was sent to school covered in green glitter powder.

Don't ask.

It was actually the perfect way to end this summer season.

Guys, summer was rough. I'm just being real. I cried to Jake last night that maybe I wasted our summer. I think I spent most of the summer wishing it was over. Fail.

Jake reminded me of all the things that Carter accomplished this summer. His list was long, and it was filled with things I had not thought of. It wasn't a waste, at all. It was full and stretched us all in ways we hadn't anticipated.

Summer didn't look like I thought it would. I've learned some things, and this hard season has helped me to develop a plan for next summer.

But until then, we'll enjoy second grade.

After we took our first-day-pictures: "Driveway Dancin?"

Yes, Carter. Let's dance.

Our first day of second grade was a little different than I had expected. But Carter handled all the changes beautifully. I pulled up to school in someone else's car - with a boy happily covered in green powder glitter (think eyeshadow, in powder form) - to an aide who thankfully thought it was pretty cute.

We got out of the car, and as I brushed the green powder off, it only rubbed into his skin more. Poor kid was making his first impression in second grade, looking like the incredible hulk.

But he was happy. So as I hopped back into someone else's car, I thanked God for a happy boy.

That's really all that matters.

Back home now, and this little sister has called her 'bruddow' at least 12 times on her play phone. I wonder if he's thinking of us as much as we're thinking of him.

Bye, summer. You were kind of a jerk, but you taught me important lessons.

Hi, second grade. I think I like you already. Be nice to us, though. Mmkay?

One Thing I Know For Sure: Change is good.
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