Gambling

I have a friend who works in a betting shop and I'm fascinated by his tales of what happens because gambling is completely alien to me. I have never set foot in a bookies and have never even done the lottery. I can see how it could be addictive but of course my substance of choice has been smoking.

When I was a student I shared a house with a man who started playing backgammon at a casino. To start off with he won hugely but then suddenly started consistently losing. To me this was so obviously fixed that he should have cut his losses but by that time he'd decided he'd got too far in (this was only a matter of weeks) and had to try to get the money back by keeping going, with the predictable result that he kept losing.

I think what makes gambling distasteful to me is that as a witch, a former mental health professional and an INFJ I'm pretty good at predicting the future. I also know that predicting the future isn't rocket science. Given these weather conditions that horse will run like that. That football team won't win, and I'll tell you right now we're not likely to have a white Christmas. Betting works by you gambling on something and the bookie works out the risk. To my surprise there are actually people who are professional gamblers who make a good living, and obviously the bookies absorb that risk to make the other punters think that it could happen to them. In reality of course they are supporting the professional gamblers.

Insurance of course is the same exercise reversed. The insurer bets that something won't happen based on the likelihood and risk. Again it's not rocket science, and of course if you're a young man you're likely to crash your car. See, I said predicting the future was not rocket science. The only difference is that where the bookies make you think some good thing could happen, insurers want you to worry about bad things happening so that you will essentially gamble on them happening. House insurance is just you betting that your house will burn down and getting the payout if it does.

If this sounds like a scam it's because it's definitely got one foot there.

Similarly I have discovered that casinos use all sorts of tricks which aren't that different from the tricks supermarkets use, to keep the punter in there and keep him betting. No windows, free gifts, disorienting in time and even the carpet are among them. I'd just assumed the people who furnished casinos had no taste but the carpet is to create a prison of sensory perceptions. 

It's no wonder I don't do betting when I'm so cynical  attuned to the nature of the risk assessment and psychological tricks and can do the risk assessment myself and conclude it wouldn't give me pleasure and I'm unlikely to profit from it. The reason the subject is appearing here is that I've only just realized that this in itself is a gamble and after my risk assessment I've decided the risk isn't worth it. If gambling is about risk and prediction rather than 'chance' then I'm not giving myself good odds so am not making bets.

... which is in itself a gamble! And I haven't lost any money!

Oh go on, I know you want some tic tac men:

INFJ Communication

One of the fascinating things about having the INFJ Myers Briggs personality type is that it's perfectly simple to understand us. We know your shit, will know if you're lying and if we say something will happen it damn well does. Perfectly simple.

The trouble is the rest of the world are busy making it complicated. How I laughed when I read this:

INFJs are quiet, supportive and encouraging people who seek harmony in their relationships. They are sensitive individuals who appreciate and want to bring out the best in other people’s talents and abilities. Source

Now I just know that you will all recognize me there. 

The INFJ walks a fine line between revealing truth and navigating the labyrinth of others’ emotions and ego defenses. They routinely wrestle with the question of whether it’s worth professing truth when it’s likely to fall on deaf ears or incite ego defenses. Unfortunately, they often end up feeling guilty either way, for either failing to reveal the truth or for hurting or offending someone with the truth. Source

Much more to the point and accurately brings out the two minded aspect of being INFJ.

But I don't think that's the real problem with INFJs communicating. It took me forever to realize that I was doing it and when I did, I realized I have been doing this all my life. In fact I've basically already said what the problem is. Because an INFJ works with a vast map of interconnecting facts and is constantly weighing things up, what we say is a very small part of what we are thinking. In my experience genuinely a much smaller part. Because the person we're talking to may not have access to all the thoughts and feelings before we speak they're almost guaranteed not to get our drift.

So that's why I'm always feeling like people aren't listening and they're always saying I don't say what I mean! And to think I pride myself on having good communication skills!

Let me be clear that I'm not simply talking about not quite communicating your meaning. I mean that I tend to say what I mean but don't communicate the parts of the thinking process which led me there and are essential parts of the meaning to anyone else.

I realized this is why people think INFJs say random things or our thoughts are disjointed. In between the things we say we go back into our thinkery/feelery and people don't see what goes on in there. Certainly years of nursing have taught me that when people ask why the hell a doctor's suggested what they have, 9 times out of 10 explaining why will reassure them.

Being the kind person with people skills that I am I of course make an effort to show my working to fill in the meaning. Because saying 'Just shut up and listen because I'm right' tends to offend.

INFJs Hate Conflict

I realise this post will look strange coming on the heels of my last post but it really is true. The two predominant myths of the good little INFJ and the nightmare INFJ who creates havoc are both misunderstandings and I hope to show why in this post while also explaining why we are usually surrounded by trouble yet hate it.

The key is in what makes someone an INFJ, and it is true that people with this personality type are frequently survivors of abuse and other trauma. If I say that trauma makes you alert to patterns of behaviour and warning signs that things aren't right it will go a long way to explaining why these experiences help develop an INFJ personality.

Unfortunately there are many people who think it is okay to say whatever comes into their head to justify their behaviour and this is why what we see as attempts to resolve a problem turn into conflict! I honestly think that many people wouldn't even notice this, are conditioned to assume other people's good will, or just let things rest for a quiet life. Even as a child I remember being horrified when my mother told me people just did lie and I should just accept this. 

This post has largely been inspired by difficulties, mainly with communication, that I have been having with the agency I have been using to manage my tiny property business, culminating in me looking for another agency. I suspect many people would just have ignored stuff but I'm not built that way, and I think that's a major contributor to the INFJ conflict. I also don't have a clear answer to how to deal with this hence this post is more aimed at describing how it happens rather than suggesting solutions. 

Many articles give the excellent advice that the INFJ ought to deal with the conflict, manage their emotions, not bottle up their emotions and reflect calmly on what is happening and obviously I can't fault that advice. For someone else's less jaded account of INFJ conflict and the door slam I would recommend here. Another excellent article telling people how not to get doorslammed by not being a prick is here - in fact the only problem there is that we expect people to know that.

Put like that it doesn't sound at all unreasonable to expect people not to be pricks and the Tom Hardy quote is probably of relevance!

Just one final reflection, that I am surprised how much trouble this post gave me and this is something like version 28.6.74! I am also delighted to discover that there is film of Nipper, the dog who was the model for the HMV logo. Perhaps I should say that this is the second Nipper model as the first died in 1895. I feel such affinity with him...

Being INFJ: Trying not to Make People Jump

When you're INFJ it can be difficult to remember that other people don't see things quite as we do and can be a bit shocked horrified when they find out we know all about them. I mean, we've grown up being able to identify a shit at sight, we can't be expected to understand that not everyone has that.

As I get older I have a better understanding of how our insight affects other people. I once horrified a bloke in a gay sauna by answering his unspoken words. He was genuinely frightened, it was so funny. Bitch I've just sucked you off, of course I can read your thoughts, was not the explanation that would have gone down. I told him it was non verbal communication. Of course regular readers will know that I don't actually adjust my response to people unless I feel like it!

But here are a few things I've learned about non-INFJs:

Many people go through life genuinely surprised at things that happen. Can you believe this? They genuinely don't notice patterns of human behaviour and thought that would tell them what was coming next and so don't see things coming. This one never ceases to amaze me!

Many people don't look into people's thoughts and motivations and just believe what people say. They don't even look at who benefits from things like religion, politics and scams. Incredible, I honestly don't know how they go through life like this. An example would be when the pope says child abuse is terrible, they actually believe that and don't examine the church's complete lack of any action that would stop abuse except when forced. Conversely some people think they are seeing into what is actually happening and end up in totally fictional conspiracy theories. Why the hell would China have created a virus - and how, since the technology to do it doesn't exist.

People don't want to hear the things we know. This is totally sad, because they'll spend fortunes on fake psychics and quacks but what they really want is to have their defenses bolstered.

I have learned with difficulty that there is literally no point with some people, if they learn their lesson for this incarnation it will be the hard way, if at all. That said on other occasions it can be very satisfying to take them to school. For example the practice manager of my GP surgery thinks that my complaint is resolved. But I happen to know that because he isn't actually managing the reception staff the same problem will happen next time I try to make an appointment and he will get the same complaint again.

I am the means the universe has chosen to make him get off his arse. In fact once you've dealt with a few psychopaths the universe starts throwing them at you regularly just because nobody else can even.

Incidentally in a probably unrelated vein I keep thinking how much I like millennials. They have a whole can do and don't give a shit attitude which appeals to me hugely. I particularly like their propensity for rioting. Of course this is not what society wants, and of course I could have told world government that saddling generations with huge debt and no prospect of home ownership, a career or retirement, gives them a whole freedom that earlier generations lacked. But they didn't ask of course.

The illustration is of striking Disney animators in 1941, who knew how to do industrial action.

Getting to Know the Golden Dawn Tarot

Golden Dawn regalia
of Aleister Crowley

The rumours put around that I am spending my time off work in the company of a rent boy or masturbating are not true at all. In fact I am spending it getting to know the New Golden Dawn Ritual Tarot - the one by the Ciceros.
I have written here before about my problem with Qabala. My problem is that the Major Arcana cards are placed on the pathways (well they have to be, there are 22 of them), whereas their importance would suggest they ought to be on the sephiroth. Cowley talks of them being illuminated by the sephiroth, and I think it should be the other way around. This is only one of the orthodoxies of tarot which I find hard to swallow, and thus I will always incline to witchcraft. Can you imagine what I'd be like in a Golden Dawn temple?
Despite my chronic INFJ mixture of total conformity and simultaneous anarchy, which would make me unfitted to a magical order and even used to make my own mother say she couldn't make me out, I find the Golden Dawn fascinating. In the way I do Freemasonry, but would never join, because it is another of the ingredients of modern witchcraft. The true historical predecessors, the cunning men and women, got their magic from the grimoire tradition, and thus this theft is in a great tradition. I particularly like this article about Doreen Valiente drinking from this well before she met Old Gerald.
Personally the reason I want to get to grips with the Golden Dawn tarot is that if you've seen it, it crackles with magic! It is also the tradition underlying both the Rider-Waite and Thoth traditions so is a venerable ancestor. I have a feeling that learning its system will illuminate much that comes afterwards in tarot.

Obedience

Obedience may seem a strange subject for me to pontificate about but you needn't worry, I am naturally going to subvert it completely.
When I was a child, well before I had the life changing experience of realising that I am an INFJ, my mother used to tell me that she couldn't make me out. Apart from indicating the obvious fact that my mother and I were never going to be on the same page, what she was usually meaning was that, to use her words, I was a strange mixture of absolute conformity and absolute independence. I was and am quite capable of being totally obedient in certain situations while feeling free to subvert the same authority to which I had been compliant a moment before. She could never tell which side I was going to come down on, and of course my reaction to her also could never be predicted. The most extreme example of this was one of many occasions when she threatened to put her head in the oven and I replied, 'Go on, then, but you're wasting your time because natural gas won't kill you'. She asked how I knew it was natural gas and never made that particular threat again!
My existing 'authority problem' crystallised in my twenties with my experience of religious life and the realisation that I was never going to be obedient to those turds. A major turning point was my realisation that the Christian saying of 'in his will is our peace' had only ever resulted in heartache and abuse for me. I realised that my peace was actually in my own will, not anyone else's, and thus my initiation into the magical worldview began. Of course I took to Starhawk's analysis of power over and power with, like a duck to water, and then discovered anarchist ideas about power and authority. I can have power but authorities over me have authority. The reflexive idea of obeying myself sounds strange at first, but locates both power and authority in myself.
Another idea which was very influential on me was an article in a monastic journal I read when a novice about discernment, discretion and prudence. Obviously discretion and prudence are not really me, but this idea of being able to discern is something which hit me like a hammer blow, and probably that's when obedience really ended for me. From now on I wouldn't take people's shit because I myself would discern what was really going on.
Discern isn't really a word used much in the pagan or magical world, but it probably best equates to our idea of divining something. In my subversive way I ask a few questions which without fail show what is going on:
Does this situation look like the way I think things should be?
Where is the authority in this situation?
Where is the power?
Where is the money going?
Who benefits?
Will this give me power or take it away?

As always these questions have proved useful in my current work situation, where as I said recently the situation has rather imploded. The new manager has handed in her notice already, and in fact commented in staff meeting when she announced this that senior management of the company wanted to be present when she made the announcement. 'I'm not a robot,' she said. How I laughed afterwards!
Oh alright, I know you want a soundtrack to this post:

(Mis)understanding the INFJ Door Slam

A few more thoughts on the famous INFJ door slammed. If you look on the internet you will see lots of websites which are trying to be helpful by telling INFJs that they do the door slam and giving helpful advice as to what to do instead to try to salvage relationships. These are usually along the perfectly reasonable lines of negotiating and communicating with people, but unfortunately the advice embodies two profound misunderstandings of how INFJs relate to other people.
The first misunderstanding is not allowing for the fact that we function through a set of rules in our head. These rules are perfectly reasonable to us but the key to understanding this is that we don't explain these rules to other people. This may seem unreasonable but that's the deal. Sorry, not sorry. We also feel free to throw these rules out of the window when it suits us. If we like you and want to incorporate you into our world we will ignore the rules for your benefit, but won't tell you that either. This means that by the time an INFJ gets to the door slam, we have actually already negotiated our own rules and by that time we are usually way beyond further negotiation. We may give you a warning, but our innate bullshit detector will know your stuff by then, and excuses etc will merely put a bolt on the already slammed door.
The second thing which the outside world doesn't get is that by the time of the door slam, we don't care. Genuinely. You can tell an INFJ trying to salvage a relationship by our emotion and repeated attempts to tell you what is bothering us. If you ignore them or prevaricate and we are forced to just tell you with no emotion you are being door slammed. Again that is only if we are bothered about you. By that stage you won't be admitted to our inner world and if we're not bothered about you, we'll just disappear. You may think that this is unreasonable but we don't care.
Could we do something different as the helpful advice suggests? Of course we could. But in reality we've already done it.

My INFJ New Year's Resolution

Unusually for me, this year I have made a new year's resolution, and so far I am both sticking to it and finding it's having the effect I want. It is to speak my mind more (those who know me in person would probably say I should speak it less) or rather, to speak my mind more so that things don't fester. Festering is a haxardof being an INFJ, and when I look back through my life I see the classic INFJ pattern of letting things fester and ultimately slamming the door on someone.
To me this is perfectly reasonable behaviour, and I also don't feel the need to tell other people that their behaviour breaks my rules. Actually this bit sounds less reasonable put down like this, but I can truthfully say I don't regret slamming the door when I do it. I wonder how people are, but they have done something beyond the pale and there's no going back.
But in the relentless pursuit of doing things differently, I'm surprised to find that speaking my mind has not yet resulted in everyone disowning me. So far it appears to be improving my relationships. However I'm still an INFJ and if you don't listen when I speak my mind you're already on the way out!
Otherwise, to avoid dealing with idiots I might start saying I think I'm autistic. I'm not actually. But the INFJ personality can seem autistic to those predisposed to see it everywhere, and it gets people off your back.
Btw I do like the quote from John Lennon. Despite apparently being a raging homophobe he had a delicious dick. Lucky Yoko.

My Destiny, Will, and Bliss

I haven't had to post about my work life here for some time. Regular readers will remember that I literally walked out of my last but one employers without notice. I am delighted to announce that they have recently been inspected by the body which regulates our industry and the report is, frankly, abysmal. I knew for a fact it was bad, but if they can't even get it together for an inspection, it's falling apart even faster than I thought it was. I will also leave it to the gentle reader to wonder whether The Hound can claim any credit for their tumbling down the league tables.
My new employer is much better. One of the strangest things is that the boss is extraordinarily able to handle me, much the best manager I have ever had in that respect. And we all know that if an INFJ likes you we'll happily throw the rule book out of the window and eat out of your hand, so he's onto a good thing.
Unfortunately he's made a bit of a mistake in employing the woman who is my immediate supervisor. She's not actually bad (see, here is a rare opportunity for the Hound to be a model of reasonableness and restraint), but she's been promoted beyond her ability. The team is fortunately made up of very able and very young people, so that it leads itself, because her ability to lead isn't that good and she's very keen on telling other people what to do when she isn't performing that well herself. When it came to her appraisal, the feedback from the team was overwhelmingly bad about the way she speaks to people and her attitude generally. Apparently this has dented her confidence to the extent that she's having difficulty going on - as you can see she is what I believe is called in army sarcastic slang, a 'born leader of men'. As a result of this loss of confidence she has become even more hands off than she already was and in fact even sits away from the rest of the team, facing into a corner. I have limited sympathy for her because she took the job thinking that it would be a stepping stone to something else that she thinks she wants to do.
The reason any of this is appearing on this blog is as a preface to the fact that I do feel witches have a purpose. I had a go at witchcraft many years ago and returned during a difficult period of my life. I had some people who owed me (how familiar) and would not sit with them having wronged me, but didn't know what to do because I had read a lot of fluffy literature about sweetness and light. A friend put me right by telling me that the witch's function is to hold up a mirror to people so that they can then get on with their own life's work, lightened of whatever rubbish they've got going on. This is the reason I'm perpetually surrounded by conflict (which I don't start) and idiots (whom I abhor): the universe sends them to me because I can deal with them, so that I end up attracting the same nonsense repeatedly.
But this time I'm in a markedly different place. I've decided what I'm going to do on a very simple principle, which is to ask myself whether I want this idiot to be in my life at all. The answer is of course, no, and tomorrow I'll be popping to the market because there are some things I want to attain this end. She'll learn her lesson if she hasn't already and I won't have her in my life at all.

Magic Messes With Your Head

This is another of those posts which has been running around unbidden in my head for ages, and resolutely refusing to take form in an actual publishable shape. Then I read something on someone's tumblr which very much echoed my own thoughts on the matter (needless to say I never troubled to bookmark so it so am unable to reference it here), but you see the trouble with magic is that it messes with your head.
This may seem a minor magical worry compared to those held by the majority of people who have been dead set against magic through the ages. Satan, now there's a body who doesn't give me any cause for worry at all. You see, I am a witch, and I've actually met him a couple of times. I'll tell you for a fact that he's nothing to be worried about, because in fact his promises really are false. Usurping the role of G*d - well, I suppose if this one bothers you, you're not terribly likely to have anything to do with magic. Being initiated into a cult - I can tell you being a Benedictine novice is a far more scary thing than belonging to the witch cult, so that one is kind of ruled out as well. The opponents of magic have to understand that their worries will never be shared by the actual practitioners of magic.
No, the real trouble with magic is that it changes those who practice it. Ever notice how despite ourselves we magical people always end up talking about magic in the third person? Despite being the operatives of it, magic tends to become a power in itself. Did *I* work that magic? Yes, I did, and it is the effect of doing that that is the experience I am referring to here. The reality of magic is that it works, and often works in far better ways than its worker could have expected. In many cultures the power to create and change is attributed only to the divinity, and the magician has the temerity to experience this for himself.
And then, you see, you can't go back. The way magic changes you is that everything is bound to be something of an anticlimax afterwards. Shopping? Meh. Sex? Whatever. To have been so close to such power for however short a period of time can only have the effect of messing with your head.
Hence the unsettledness associated with occultists, the relentless experimentation, and even self-destruction. Hence the seeking of different 'degrees', initiation into different traditions, the seeking of the one true magical tradition or coven, even the creation of self-aggrandising secrets, and what have you. Once you've experienced real magic there really is no going back, but it is the magician who is changed for life.
The answer to this problem? Well, I suppose the restlessness can always be harnessed. There is always something new for the witch to do. Some new idiot to be held back from pressing the button and some new sweet soul to be pushed in the direction which will lighten their load and help them get on with their life's work. Of course it is impossible to deal completely with the restlessness - being a magical person and an INFJ is a combination almost guaranteed to make you a rolling ball of unpredictable explosivity which can go off at any random time and place, for example. But perhaps realising that your head has been messed with is a good step towards having it not mess you up completely.
Oh - Inexplicable likes music while he is reading my witterings so here is a death metal cover of one of my favourite classical pieces  - John Cage's Four Minutes Thirty Three Seconds.

The INFJ Door Slam

High time for another INFJ-themed post, this time about the famous door slam. If I can make myself stick to my plan for this post it will not be about the door slam as generally experienced by INFJs, since there is loads of stuff published about it, and since I find I differ slightly from the general experience I want to make this a much more personal post.
The first difference I have with much that is out there is that people start with the door slam itself, whereas my experience is that when you arrive at the door slam the roots of it can be traced back to months or even years before. For me what underlies the door slam is the way the INFJ's world is dominated by rules. I have written about this before but suffice to say that one of the more difficult aspects of dealing with INFJs is that we expect you to abide by these rules without being told them!
If you break the rules, here's what happens: we obsess about it. Remember that the INFJ organises information into patterns in his head. If you break the rules we try to fit this action into what we already know about you in our heads and come to some conclusion about what your breaking the rules means. Here is where I find I tend to differ from some of the accounts on the internet, which speak about the door slam as if it happens in discreet stages: my personal experience is that this analysing (don't call it over -analysis unless you want a slap) stage is already into door slam territory because for an INFJ the rules are non-negotiable.
The rules are non-negotiable, and we understand that relationships require negotiation and so on,  but if you are ever in the position of having an INFJ explain the rules to you, you need to understand that you have violated our trust on a very deep level and it may even take years to get back to where we were.
I understand that other people don't necessarily see my rules, but I find that the other person's response to my reproach can be a deal breaker. Remember also that INFJs are people of complete integrity, so doing anything which may be perceived as rubbishing what we are telling you at this point will almost certainly lead to a door slam.
I find at this point I will often just freeze someone out if it is someone I like but who has violated my trust in some way. For an INFJ to let someone in, it requires you to get the rules and if you have to have them explained to you, you are already beyond the pale, however I won't necessarily take you apart at this point.
The more classic door slam is reserved for people who have either violated our trust for years or who we have taken an instant dislike to. These people are the classic example of people we will have loads of information on, which we will have been storing up for years. Personally the only people I can identify as in this category are my 'manager' and 'colleagues', and I have been making little notes about things for literally years. It is at this point that with relentless logic the INFJ will produce this information and destroy you with it. You will actually be surprised at what we know about you, and we will use this information.
This is the classic door slam. If we have to be in contact with you beyond this point you will find us coldly formal. However you will notice that I haven’t described a single act of slamming a door, with its overtones of temper or tantrums. That is the reason for the illustration I have chosen for this post: what actually happens is more perceived by the INFJ as you making it gradually, brick by brick, impossible for us to let you in at all.

Out in the Wash and Glamour Magic

Yesterday I was a witness in the disciplinary hearing my 'manager's' manager has arranged as a result of me formalising my concerns about a 'colleague' sabotaging the team's work for years. Of course this hearing was unnecessary because I have told my 'manager' every item on my statement but only now is this seen as serious enough for a disciplinary.

Naturally I'm sworn to secrecy, & naturally the panel found that all attempts to shake what I was saying or try to interpret the evidence differently, failed dramatically. INFJs make convincing witnesses on account of having thought it all out in advance. 

I also did a glamour magic. I let my hair grow longer than usual (I hadn't met the human resources woman so didn't want a shaved head in case she would interpret it as skinhead). I also let my beard grow. The entire aim was to give an impression of maturity & measured wisdom. This will be in contrast to the sabotaging 'colleague' who is as psychopathic as they come, & looks like a drag queen. I also made a point of telling them what she did at the Christmas party several years ago, to make sure they mentally picture her with her knickers down, so to speak.

Watch this space - my 'manager' is going down the drive.

The Importance of Memory

In my last post I wrote about cursing my immediate manager. Of course as so often happens I've cast a spell & have wound up being the agent of the spell.

In this case my manager decided she had no option but to take my letter to her boss who is instituting an enquiry into the fairly major concerns I raise.

And here's the Importance of memory. There is a great Christian tradition that if we forget other people's sins & concentrate on our own, God will forget ours. This is one of the things which allows clergy to abuse children with impunity. There is another broader spiritual tradition which also advocates forgetting. Much of the modern therapy culture accents forgiving & moving on. This is bollocks & I am the witness that this is so.

One of the reasons my manager is now furious that this has started (and remember she only had to adjust my duties slightly) is she knows I keep notes. Not mental notes. Actual notes in a notebook. I also save emails of importance in a particular folder. I have a flight bag of things as well, stretching back seven years to the spot of bother at work that made me realize the importance of this.

I know it seems anal, & is such an INFJ thing, but it means I have chapter and verse at my fingertips. I can provide dates I told her things repeatedly & her response. She has none of this, because she's so uninterested in her job she doesn't do any managing at all, let alone keep records.

In fact - my friend overheard her comment that I once left a tea bag on the side in the kitchen. That is the level on which she can answer me.

Witches remember!

(Picture credit: here)

Narcissistic Mothers & the Cock Tease

The lovely Inexplicable DeVice commented recently on how prolific I am being. I'm pleased that he was apparently referring to my blog posts rather than anything else (if I was straight I would probably have to dejob myself to avoid crippling maintenance payments by now), although of course he hit the nail exactly on the head in commenting that the urban hedge must be fertile. And of course that is exactly what is happening, I'm sitting nicely in my hedge and the growths, challenges, and spurs that come with fecundity are coming thick and fast.

A major way my life has developed even this week is that I made the mistake of reading through an internet forum about narcissistic mothers, while trying to get to sleep. I didn't sleep much that night at all, because finally I had found a bunch of people who were describing my childhood and ongoing relationship with my mother without having been there. A friend commented that it seems a pity it has taken me so long to realise that narcissism is what has crippled my relationship with my mother, and of course it is because nobody ever says to you 'I am going to treat you in a totally personality disordered way'. My own case is also atypical because as an only child I had to be both golden boy and scapegoat at the same time: no wonder I've always felt that whatever you do for my mother is never enough! I finally have the explanation of why my own account of life with my mother differs from the experience of family friends, is that the narcissistic parent projects the dream onto the outside world and so everyone else sees the wonderful mother who is a pillar of the church and never even realise the brooding atmosphere in the house that you never know what is coming next. This explanation also accounts for my failure to negotiate a sensible relationship with her: she would either say that my personal boundaries were unreasonable, or else agree to them and just ignore them. In fact the common experience of the children of narcissistic parents is that actually the only way to deal with them is to break off all contact, which is what I have been forced to do, with the resultant tirade of harassing phone calls and bad mouthing that she has undertaken.

Another friend very kindly (we have this sort of relationship) tells me sometimes that given what my mother is like it is surprising I haven't ever completely gone off the rails (I think the only child thing actually accounts for that – it means the narcissistic parent actually has a dependence on the child so that she can never really scapegoat). Of course where this leaves me as an adult is that I now know there is no point ever hoping for an apology from my mother, or a deathbed reconciliation on any terms except hers alone. There is truly no-one else in her world and I have to get on with my life as best I can. This may all sound very tragic, but all of this is stuff that I have been living with for decades, and I am actually relieved to have an explanation for what has gone on.

Naturally such a dysfunctional mother does create a legacy for the child. For a start I have the INFJ personality, one very easily open to the kind of invalidating parenting I am talking about here. I have also read that the INFJ personality is the one most frequently found in people who have been emotionally abused. Be that as it may, a further development in my life recently has been the extent to which I have realised that I am largely an older gay man with my shit together. I have mood and addiction issues, but they are both in hand to my satisfaction and my life is about as sorted as it is going to be.

I've commented here many a time about how once you deal with a particular situation it keeps on repeating for you, and I actually have the Cock Tease, whom I have posted about several times recently, to thank for this new insight. I have been pondering why the friend I talk about above, who also knows him, perceives him really quite differently from me, and of course the reason is that he shows her the golden boy. He has shown me the real him in fits and starts over a period of years. At this point, he is out of my life about as permanently as it can ever be, and his number is blocked. I have commented before that I lionise him, and actually the really funny thing about this is that I do. I genuinely think he is wonderful. But the reason I can have no contact at all with him is that he cannot cope with the fact I lionise the real him (he's had some things happen to him, fairly guaranteed to screw you up for life). He can't cope with the real him, and so comes and goes, stamps his foot, projects the stuff he doesn't like about himself onto me, moves house frequently, changes jobs all the time, drinks ridiculously to excess, etc.

Then I was talking to another mutual friend, who told me that he commented that he induces vomiting, and that she really believes he does have bulimia. This didn't seem right to me, but lo and behold, when a friend and I looked close up at a photo in which he was showing his hands, there it was: Russell's sign . It was after I joked with him about him saying that he went really funny on me, so he obviously let that slip by mistake and doesn't want it known. Given his complex personality structure, I have to accept that I can't go there until I have some sort of satisfaction that his personality is better integrated.  

But Hound, you may be saying, it wouldn't be like you just to accept that something is so without having a good meddle. Damn, discovered. I did suggest to my friend that we do a healing spell on him (I'm good at healing, me, although it would have worked faster if he'd had sex with me), and she almost visibly blanched on the other end of the phone and commented that it would take some doing. So while I'm no further on than thinking I might do something about him magically, it is necessary to do some spying.

His general state of health at the moment: Page of Pentacles. I would interpret this as referring to his lifestyle, his attempting to live like one of those youngsters who think they can drink and so on, without any consequences.

The effect any induced vomiting is having on his health: 6 of Pentacles. He's OK for the moment, but he's literally giving it away, and can't do that for ever.

The effect his drinking is having on his health: VIII Strength. Since this is a Major Arcana I would interpret it as meaning that he is an alcoholic, he is dependent on it and has lost any battle he has attempted with it, so that it will sooner or later take over.

The effect his continuing to drink as he is will have on his life: 9 of Swords. I previously got this card for how he saw me in the light of me finally cutting him out completely (I've cocked it up again), so I would interpret this as meaning that his life will start falling apart (relationships, friendships, jobs, etc) and it will reinforce the script which underlies a narcissist's golden image that he's fairly crap.

The manner of his death at this rate: 10 of Wands. My feeling is that it will not be sudden or even soon, but I have an awful feeling that he will do something he regrets when drunk, and either have an accident or get HIV or something, and that will put him further on the skids.

What I can do to help: VI Lovers (I don't believe this). I'm inclined to interpret this as me so far doing the right thing by hopefully giving him a shock. Of course Lovers doesn't just mean lovers, there are elements of the voice divine and parenthood, and growing up involved in it. I may look out a growing up spell. Watch this space. I'm guaranteeing you haven't heard the last of this!

Activity and Passivity with Specific Reference to Ageing

I posted recently about my changing reading habits, and of course one of the ways they have changed over my lifetime is that there is now a whole 'library' of stuff on the internet to read. This has both the advantage and the disadvantage that anybody can publish anything – rather than the accolade of getting an actual publisher to publish your stuff – and this blog is actually an example of that phenomenon. I worry sometimes how I come across in this blog – a touchy queen, an absolute bitch or just a nasty piece of work – and this worry has actually been intensified recently by my reading through a blog by a woman who is a male to female transsexual.

I'm not going to reference which blog it is – I've decided it wouldn't be fair because I'm going to take a single recurring thought out of context and chew it over. However this blog has reminded me how much sheer labour it is to transition from one gender to the other. This person has been blogging over the period of her actual transition, even publishing expenses and intimate details of what she actually has to do. She manages the ultimate feat in blogging, actually, because you might think that writing about those sorts of things would be way too much information, but she manages to write about it in a way that doesn't revolt or give the impression of overexposure. She doesn't know who she is, but the blessing of the witch is upon her.

Anyway, the single thought that I want to pick up and run with is related to the fact that she is around twenty years older than me, already retired when she began her transition, and naturally for her age, thinking about what her old age will be like. She is therefore at a different stage of life from me; most people my age are pondering the unlikelihood of them ever being able to retire without starving or freezing to death on any pension they get. And this difference of life stage may be reflected in how she talks about extreme old age.

In one post she described seeing two different very elderly relatives, one living in her own home and the other in a home, and described the difference between them. She felt the one in a home was reduced to passivity as a result of being looked after, whereas she felt the other one continued to be actively involved in the running of her own life and running of a house. Where I may be being unfair is that I want to connect that passage to a passage she wrote at quite a distance of time where she describes the ability of old age to rob you – rob is the actual word she uses – of agency over your own life. She describes how it makes doing things impossible, and clearly feels a fear that she will ever get to the stage she describes, where she would feel she lacked a sense of agency over her own life.

One of the things I have had a realise in my recent dealings was the extent to which I have spent my adult life deliberately aiming to live purposely, and honing my will to make things happen, and the simple fact that not everybody does that. I swear I was an old-fashioned Quaker in a previous incarnation, because the level of plainness in my life has to be seen to be believed: plain living, dressing, eating, and plain speaking to the point of rudeness. Where this fear of geriatric apathy strikes me in this woman's writing, is that to my mind she has performed almost the ultimate magical act – by transitioning from one gender to another she has completely changed her persona in accordance with her will, and I am surprised that she is not necessarily able to harness this sense of magic and transfer it elsewhere in her life. However, as I say I'm referring to two ruminative blog posts some time apart and she may not always think like that.

This matter of accepting help is always a difficult one, particularly in extreme old age, because it gets mixed up with the fight or flight reaction. If you feel as if the power to make decisions for yourself is being stolen by a process over which you have no control, you tend to end up hitting out at the wrong thing. This is partly what happened with my own mother, she pushed me away with all the strength she had left, while determinedly taking herself down a road she consistently told me she didn't want me to let her go down. And this situation will be familiar to anyone who has had any dealings with older people's stubbornness and contrariness.

The connection with witchcraft is perhaps not apparent, but it is there, in honing the will and not allowing uncontrollable processes to take your attention from it. Any witch worth her salt will of course make allowances for variables including those considered unexpected by others – perhaps it's an INFJ thing, but I expect the witch to have fewer surprises in life than other people, as a result of looking around and considering everything involved in a situation. This involves making a conscious decision – and in the face of the old person's fear of 'being taken away', consciously thinking about it may result in the witch accepting the need to be cared for. I have used examples in this blog before of such things as volitionally caring for, say, diabetes, in such a way that you will optimise your chances of being able to see for life, for example. Similarly, nobody in their right mind who had broken a leg would refuse the use of crutches for fear of a loss of independence. The keys to this one seem to be facing the situation square on, and adapting to whatever the situation is.

Ironically, this isn't that far removed from what the World Health Organisation has to say about active ageing – I wonder if they realise they have an uneasy bedfellow in modern witchcraft?

'Active ageing is the process of optimizing opportunities for health, participation and security in order to enhance quality of life as people age. It applies to both individuals and population groups.

'Active ageing allows people to realize their potential for physical, social, and mental well-being throughout the life course and to participate in society, while providing them with adequate protection, security and care when they need.

'The word "active" refers to continuing participation in social, economic, cultural, spiritual and civic affairs, not just the ability to be physically active or to participate in the labour force. Older people who retire from work, ill or live with disabilities can remain active contributors to their families, peers, communities and nations. Active ageing aims to extend healthy life expectancy and quality of life for all people as they age.

'"Health" refers to physical, mental and social well being as expressed in the WHO definition of health. Maintaining autonomy and independence for the older people is a key goal in the policy framework for active ageing.' (http://www.who.int/ageing/active_ageing/en/)

Sources for Witchcraft: Miss Marple as an Unexpected Source

I am re-reading Agatha Christie's The Thirteen Problems. I last read this book in 1995. I am not in the habit of keeping records of what I read – although I do note passages or quotes I want to be able to come back to – and the reason I remember this twentieth anniversary so precisely is of course that I was in a rather difficult time of my life. 

The precise circumstances were that I was a Benedictine novice. I was the last remaining of three novices in my noviciate – it was very apparent to me that not only was the community incredibly dysfunctional, despite there being some men there, now dead, who were the closest I have ever come to meeting real Christian saints, but it was also dominated by someone who in retrospect I can see as being very personality disordered. If at this point you have had a strong emotional reaction to those rather emotive words, I would just say to you that personality disorders are actually very common. Many executives of big corporations have symptoms of personality disorder, and in fact it is their disordered personalities which make them able to get to the top of organisations, which subsequently was exactly the case with the person I am talking about. The problem with these people, of course, is that because they identify the issue with their own safety, and also do not believe that other people's emotions are real, because they don't have any themselves, they can do a great deal of damage. I am not going to go into details – that is not the purpose of the post – but suffice to say that I have experienced the psychological abuse of which Catholic clergy are capable, at first hand. When this man's dramatic downfall comes, I will happily post here about how the authorities of his order know full well what he's about. My only sorrow is that that there is no point going to the police about him – the things I know for a fact about him can all be demolished by his facile tongue as my imagination or by means of attributing his own 'interests' to me. Needless to say I have not failed to resort to magical means to mimimise his damage to others and isolate him into his own little world: since he is personality disordered he will ultimately always self-sabotage until he accepts he is his problem, and so magically it is easiest to let him screw himself up.

In tandem with experiencing this abuse I have experienced how ones loved ones do not believe the fact that one is being abused. Over and again in the literature on child abuse (obviously I was an adult at the time), the tale is told of the target of abuse trying to tell someone and not being believed. Certainly in my situation, where I was capable of resisting the psychological intimidation and abuse to which I was suspect, and he would dearly have loved to have sex with me but could see that trying it on would give me the material to finish him, the most useful thing that I could have had would have simply to be believed by my mother. She did not. The only effect of this is to add to the abuse the person is suffering.

Into this situation came Miss Marple. I read this book in the evenings in bed. I found a woman of completely independent thought, who had the clarity of vision to stick by her own guns and this saw to the heart of the problem, and thirteen times, had the correct idea of what was happening. This is surely close to the heart of the witch figure, as somebody who stands apart, gets information in all sorts of ways, mostly unrecognised by everyone else, and is prepared to stick to their conclusion until it is proved right, which it will be.

One of my companions in the novitiate commented to me one day that he couldn't understand why I had seen through this person before he had. I told him at the time that I felt the monk of whom I speak had carefully put a front on what he was about, which my fellow-novice would see as being legitimate. For example, he decided he would try to give me a hard time, but told my fellow novice that the motivation for this was to test my vocation. He believed this at the time, although I told him it was a complete lie – it is not for nothing that nowadays I can recognise a good old-fashioned bully from a mile off – and it was not until the monk in question managed to get my fellow-novice alone in a car, put his hand on his genitals and said, 'What about it?', that he began to suspect he wasn't that interested in living his monastic commitment.

I think the reason I found Miss Marple's clarity of vision and refusal to be taken in by the way other people thought about things, was that, even though my Myers-Briggs personality test came out INFP at the time, I was actually already feeling my way towards the fact of being an INFJ. In fact the sentence I write above about Miss Marple's character being close to the archetypal witch figure, could also go for the INFJ personality. I had to mature into it, clearly, but definitely had the many traits already. This fact also indicates the basic cracks in my relationship with my mother, which inevitably led to it blowing apart when it was stressed by both of us getting older, with all the health problems that that involved. There are some of those lists on the internet along the lines of 'things never to say to an INFJ'. In fact, reading those lists, all of them are things that my mother routinely said to me over and over again: a friend asked me whether she winds me up on purpose. I can only answer that she does a fair imitation of it, not least because if you keep on saying things to someone that you know drives them up the wall, well, what can I say. The key one here, of course, is not being believed. This was often dressed up as 'you do exaggerate,' 'you make it up as you go along,' and so on, but the key thought being expressed here was always that the younger Hound was a liar. Touchy, and over-serious, as well. All of them guaranteed to have an INFJ foaming at the mouth; in fact I'm surprised it took me as long as 38 years to do an INFJ door slam on her.

I can see in the incidents of which I write here, and the inspiration I took from Miss Marple, the younger me feeling my way towards being the mature me. Miss Marple's example actually helped me, not only in a traumatic time of life when disbelieved and thus isolated by my own mother, but also towards becoming truly me, and arriving as a witch.

My problem with responsibility

I have been absent from here for some time. One of the reasons for that is that I periodically think to myself 'I must write a blog post', and when I think that I know that writing a post because I feel beholden to this blog in some way is the wrong reason to do it.

I remain in the process of finding a permanent home, and in true witch style, if you should wish to find me you only have to follow the trail of bruised and bloodied estate agents to find me. Honestly, these people actively try to stop themselves doing their own job. I seem finally to have found an estate agent who is up to my standards of sensibleness and reliability. If I email her a question she replies either the same day with the information I require or to say she is finding it out. In fact, she's almost come on side (don't worry, the Hound hasn't forgotten that estate agents are in the employ of the vendor, although you wouldn't think that by the one I had). I was even impressed to find that although they've got a very swanky address in the Jewellery Quarter, they seem to be renting an office in a Georgian building which is at best tatty. Doing their job, instead of 'kippers and curtains'.

My thoughts have mostly been turning to the enduring problem I have with that word 'responsibility'. The heavy emphasis placed on this in the witchcraft community almost implies at times that taking responsibility for a situation means anything that goes wrong is always your own fault. Sometimes it is, of course, and the test of that is a frank evaluation of whether you've actually done everything you can to remedy a situation. There is another team in my workplace which has been having a very hard time, for example. I have limited sympathy for them because when you asked whether they have brought collective grievances, and so on, the answer is of course no. A major part of the problem is clearly themselves.

A very different situation is where someone is misusing power over you. In that situation, although the witch must always attempt to make of the situation what she wills, it is possible that your efforts will come to nothing. Apart from the fact that it is usually in that situation, where your back is to the wall, that magic is most spectacularly effective, ones ability to take responsibility for a situation can be compromised by somebody else's actions. This is seen most simply in a lot of bullying behaviours, which is why they are so tortuous for the target. I will still not allow that word that begins with a v to pass my lips.

And this is nicely where the witch comes in, but not in the way you may be expecting. As witches our bread and butter is taking a situation and making something different of it. This is the real fear which witchcraft will always put into those around us. People don't think that we should be able to create independently. Certainly for the Abrahamic traditions which mainly surround us at this end of Europe, creation is a function reserved to God. Witchcraft, by blurring the rigid distinction between what is divine and what is human, permanently puts the mockers on being told that we can't do something.

That said, one of the phrases I do love in the Christian tradition is 'the sins crying to heaven for vengeance'. There are only four of them, they can be found in the Bible. It is this idea of an act so bad it calls for its immediate divine retribution. I'm going to say something quite radical here – I would love to meet a real Christian. I have a feeling that I would get on with a real Christian extremely well, although they would consider me damned. That simple embodiment of divinity in the world is almost exactly what we witches do, with a few different emphases. They would ask God for vengeance on an injustice – we would damn well create that vengeance. It's what we do best, although as everything else it has a come back for the witch, in that once you've dealt with a particular situation, you seem to attract that situation again. Nature knows you can deal with this particular set of circumstances so those circumstances get sent to you over and over again.

And it should come as no surprise to the witch. It has come as no surprise to me that while I have found one estate agent I'm impressed with and my purchase of an absurdly cheap apartment is going through remarkably easily – that is just the hedge looking after the witch. It's one of the things that happens when you bow deeply to the universe: it bows back (I have borrowed this phrase from Morihei Ueshiba, the founder of Aikido). For the witch, what she needs will literally fall into her lap at the exact right moment. If it doesn't, give something away. Nature abhors a vacuum and will not be outdone in generosity.

But the real responsibility is to know that in the same time frame I will be cursed with an absolutely idiotic letting agent. I'll assume if you're reading this you're a clever person, but unfortunately it is the case that the majority of the world's population don't learn. They keep on ignoring the blatantly obvious and ending up paying the price. It's just another case of moaning but not doing anything to make a change. I'll also assume if you're reading this, you will understand that I am the warning. You don't need to know that I attempt to be both mercy and severity at once to understand that as a human being you should treat me right. I don't expect to be given special treatment, you don't have to know I'm a witch, you just have to do the right thing. This agent took a reference from my employer, which asked amongst other things, about my attitude to other people's property. They were asking the wrong question. They should have asked what kind of enemy I would make. It's not difficult, they only had to mend the gutter. When they didn't, I also made it plain they only had to write me a cheque to compensate me for the damage. When they didn't they made the mistake of trying to intimidate me out of taking legal action. They should really have asked what I am like when the gloves are off, because that's when it gets painful, and it will be painful because they have invited the universe to cause them pain by not treating the witch right.

As usual the hedge has bent over backwards to take care of me, not least because I'm sitting here writing this virtually on top of the river which is the reason for the city. Advertisements have appeared in Birmingham's buses for a solicitors firm which specialises in tenancy problems, and I have put the problem in their hands. They are no win no fee, so I stand not to lose anything, whatever happens. The lettings agency have invited the hedge to give them trouble. It will end costing them much more money (and what's the betting they'll be really pissed off when I turn down monetary offers associated with gagging clauses?), and the negative publicity will cause their business to be dissolved again. I notice a business of the same name was dissolved in 2010. I'm a witch and an INFJ: don't piss me off because I will find out your stuff. And here's what they will do next: they will put up the rent when my assured shorthold tenancy comes to an end. Not a problem – grist to my mill, that is. In something like two months' time I will be all set up in the city centre. And all of this will come out in court. Because they wouldn't take responsibility, this is. They've attracted to themselves someone who will and will take them to school.

Incidentally, I must post the result of another post I've made a little while back, about having a problem with someone at work. I eventually withdrew my complaint, but what I didn't know was that while I sent mine in, another one went in as well. He applied for a promotion, and didn't get it, to his great chagrin. Shame. Shouldn't be an idiot. It's just some people need a firm lesson a right action. And there's no guarantee they'll get the lesson.

Depression & the Witch

Picture credit: http://allthehappycreatures.blogspot.com/2010_11_01_archive.html?m=1 It doesn't say it, but I suspect that is from the New Tarot.
From time to time I get depression. This isn't feeling sad, it's an illness that paints the entire world grey & cripples you. I seem to have inherited this tendency, along with some other health problems, from my mother's side of the family, suggesting to me that the biological purpose of homosexuality is to bring a crappy gene pool to an end! I have no idea what my father's side of the family's health would be like, since they all smoke or drink themselves into an early grave, so it seems a bit insidious to say there are cancer & heart disease on that side of the family!
I now think I did get depression when I was younger - I mean a teenager - which would nowadays probably have been picked up on & treated instead of having to run its course naturally. At this point perhaps I should say that I am wary of any 'alternative' treatments for depression. Yes, there is an evidence base for St John's Wort, in mild to moderate depression, but in my experience it needs aggressive treating with chemicals.
You'll notice my complete acceptance both of the fact of my depression, & of the need to reach for the medical model to treat it. You'll notice I'm not making any reference to depression as a para-shamanic journey or to hypnosis or even cognitive behavioural therapy. Life is too short & depression too vicious to mess about with fluffiness. That said, depression can be turned round, in true witch fashion, into an opportunity. By the exercise of my will, that will is actually strengthened & confirmed. My will is first to call the problem by what it is & then not to be beaten. My will is also to use all means necessary.
A colleague of mine was diagnosed with diabetes, which she accepted in no way at all, & was quite jealous that I'd gone straight to acceptance of another medical diagnosis. It's the witch way: in fact I wonder whether it's a test of some sort, since I don't know a single witch who doesn't get depression. That said, for me the Hanged Man is the tarot card of depression: you're in suspension & can't do anything about it. That's what depression feels like - but fortunately nowadays you can do something about it, by taking a pill every day.
You will be free from slavery...
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Know Thyself: Being INFJ

There is actually a point to the picture that illustrates this post: it depicts the need for INFJs to be alone & go inwards, & the odd setting indicates the way other types can perceive us a weird. But INFJs reading this will see that immediately. They'll also see that this is my blog & if I feel like a picture of a workman on the Empire State Building that's what I'll have!
One of the greatest magical precepts is that it is essential to know oneself. The reasons for that & purpose, aren't really the purpose of this post, which is about the tool I have found most useful for knowing myself. I first did the Myers-Briggs type indicator when I was probably too young really. There's an actual test that you can pay for, which is obviously better, & there are various free versions on the internet.
'But Hound,' you may say, 'you're always on about the primacy of will & individuation, not about being forced into a box!' All that is true, but the fact is I have found this test useful. I originally tested INFP. I think I probably was at the time, but I also don't think my personality was developed enough. I recently re-did the test & came out INFJ (http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/INFJ - be cautious about this wikipedia page, it completely omits the INFJ dark side & focuses on the fluffy caring bit). I am so definitely an INFJ: I even had the sense INFJs often have of being relieved to find out why I'm so weird & apparently dysfunctional! Purely as a public service I've put together a quite personal guide to what INFJs are about, since I know you've all met one & been impressed, mystified, confused, or horrified by our unusual personality structure.
INFJs only have one personality. We don't (necessarily) have personality disorders either, it's just that that one personality is very complicated. And you know the best bit? It makes perfect sense to us. In fact it seems obvious. That's why we often (frequently? Usually?) Feel misunderstood.
The primary thing that drives we INFJs is a set of rules. Seriously. This will seem strange to anyone who knows an INFJ, because we can seem the most temperamental, inconsistent people on record. If we seem like that, it's because we haven't told you the rules. Don't bother asking us what the rules are. We expect you to know. We also expect you to abide by them. Yes, this is unreasonable, but that's the way we're wired. You have to be able to sit with this bit to stand being around an INFJ.
We have magical powers. No, seriously. You needn't bother trying to tell us the truth: we already know it. This is perhaps the thing people can find most scary about INFJs (the rage - see below - can just be seen as being temperamental), but the idea that we both read people & remember tiny details for years is terrifying. Some of us make a good living out of this - either in circus side shows, or more often in the caring professions, where our ability to say the exact thing people need to hear at the right moment gives us phenomenal success.
On one level this comes from our high level of emotional competence - we read miniscule changes in people & situations that are often ignored. On the other hand I have myself often had a conversation with a stranger's unspoken thoughts, & that can't simply be nonverbal communication. I suppose a psychological explanation could be a 'dynamic' (http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychodynamics), but in the world of more concrete science, I don't think there is an explanation.
We will value the insight we have from within way above anything you may tell us. Sorry if this offends you, but our 'just know' is never wrong. Never. If you try to persuade us otherwise we will be very quick to think you are lying, even if you are really persuading yourself something is other than it is.
If you have an INFJ on your side, thank whatever gods you believe in. We are incredibly loyal, faithful, we will stand by you through thick & thin. When the rest of the world is saying you made it all up we will at the very least respect your inner world & beliefs. If we think you've been wronged, the culprit had better watch out. (Totally unsubtle) hint: if you know an INFJ, it's a good idea to be on their side.
We do not violate our word. We are actually the final word in reliability. Once we've given our word it takes some quite extraordinary circumstances to make us retract it.
In any relationship we will still need our space. Nobody ever believes we're Introverts because of our emotional competence, but we live predominantly in our inner world. We *must* spend time there or we get ill. Don't ask to be taken there - if you ask it shows you don't get it, & believe me you wouldn't like it. Similarly we're not impressed by people trying to be weird. We're the original weirdos & have levels of weirdness that will make your hair stand on end.
If we take to you, we will happily throw all the rules out of the window for you. Even if we just bend them, you may not see us doing this, because we keep the rules to ourselves. So if you've been in a friendship or relationship with an INFJ for any length of time, please know that you won't have seen it but the person will have made significant sacrifices for you. When we do this for you it is actually the highest compliment we can pay.
We are quite incredibly sensitive, both to perceived slights from others, & we will fret about little things we've said to other people.
Please don't pressurise us - we find that very difficult. We also forget how freaky, apparently inflexible & yet inconsistent we can be - our world is normal for us & it's none of those things for us. We need to hear that things are OK between us, though - if you give us too much space without that assurance we'll assume you've dropped us like a ton of bricks.
The two things that we are really vulnerable to are rejection & being disbelieved. If you don't want something we are trying to do for you, please just tell us you don't want it. That seems obvious, but if, say, you prevaricate with us or make socially acceptable excuses, we perceive that as a lie or rejection. Similarly if you think we've got something wrong, telling us why or even referring to a fact we've already said is more acceptable than 'Oh, you do make it up'. Remember we have rules, so we actually expect other people to have rules of altruism, personal respect, & honesty as well, & will respect you for it.
That said, we have a real problem with dealing with conflict - we don't like it & will always never be the initiator. If it seems like we're picking a fight, it's because that's what we think you're doing.
If you really upset us, we'll just withdraw. At that point there is no use trying to 'sort it out' - you've betrayed us in some profound way at that point & there's no mending it. The reason we won't tell you is - we expect you to know in advance that what you've done is not acceptable. If you don't 'get' that, you're already beyond the pale.
(Unfluffy bit coming). You don't want to get on the wrong side of an INFJ. If you know one of us, please pause at this moment to recall the times we've produced seemingly random scraps of information that we've had stored away for years, but that at the moment we've produced them from nowhere have been completely germane to the big picture. Remember, we see things other people don't. Even if we don't have actual notes, one of the things we do in our inner world is try out these bits of information to see how they fit into bigger pictures - one of the ways we get eureka moments of insight. We know about you. Seriously. Little things you've told us, little feelings, observations. We know what makes you tick & here's the important bit...
We will use the information we have. By the time you hear it you will seriously not be able to argue with us because it will all be settled already into a coherent, water-tight argument. We will then take you apart. You can only take my word for it that this gives us no pleasure. When cornered, we are vicious. Not violent, although we can have issues with anger & mood problems for one reason or another. What we will do is coldly, relentlessly, & logically, take you apart. We will see you as inviting this. All of your little secrets (even the ones you haven't told us) will come out. Your employers may well find out about *that* night you received a caution you haven 't told them about. Hilda Handcuffs may find out about those plants in your wardrobe. Remember information is our life-blood. We know your stuff & you will be mercilessly presented with all of it in one go. Nobody wants that. And don't forget, you *cannot* do that to us because we always hold stuff back. At this point, by the way, don't apologise, we won't believe you're sorry. So if by this stage you're not so freaked out that you'll insist on everyone you meet doing an MBTI inventory, just be nice to your friendly INFJ. OK?
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