October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

I am not very good at this whole blogging thing lately. Good thing I am not getting paid for it! I would be fired for sure. But this month is near and dear to my heart for two (or three) reasons. 1. It is Pregnancy and Infant loss Awareness month. 2. It is Jonathan's birthday on Saturday (3. It is my dear hubbies birthday next week.) I sadly didn't get the memo either and when I saw Melissa starting it I decided to play along too. Though I think I may have very boring answers. :)

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?
Day 5 - your favorite quote.
Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.
Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 12 - something you are OCD about.
Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 15 - what you like about your house.
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.
Day 19 - a talent of yours.
Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.
Day 21 - a recipe.
Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.
Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh.
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

Guess noone noticed there are 31 days in October? :)
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Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
The song that got me through is Broken by Lindsey Haun. I don't know why but the lyrics "when you are broken in a million little pieces and every tear falls for a reason, don't stop believing..." just helped somehow. Even now, I can listen to that song and am immediately finding out about Jonathan and going through those 10 weeks of knowing while he kicked around inside me. And his birth and the recovery. I don't know that I will ever recover, whatever that means but I do know this song will always be the soundtrack for that time of my life.



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Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
Actually, I am not much of a movie watcher but the movie that I can watch time and time again and it gets me through whatever I am going through is Sliding Doors with Gwyneth Paltrow. It basicly reminds me that no matter what choices you make and how many twists life takes somethings are just meant to happen and they happen for a reason.



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Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.

And this is where my answers go awry. :) Pretty much any guilty mild numbing pleasure that was available I succumbed to. I have watch General Hospital off and on (mostly on) since I was 5, that I remember but probably younger! Sadly, It reminds me that there are people who have it worse, even if those ones are fake. I also love Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, Life Interrupted... you name it I probably like it.

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Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?

Who can read? I could not read anything but google searches for the longest time. I was given books about grief and loss and other people who went through similar things but to be honest I still have not picked them up. I read blogs. Read time. Real people. I have 2-3 books I have been reading for a while...

Happy Birthday Jonathan!

Today my angel baby would be a year old. In a way its a sad day, it reminds me of every thing he will never do or be, all the things we miss out on with him. But on the other hand, the hand I tend to use more, it is a day that we got to learn lessons about life and love we may never have learned any other way. He is the angel who guides our family through life. I know he is with us in every way.

As I look at the photos of him. His tiny toes and his tiny perfect body I realize the love for a child never fades. I love him more every day since I first found out I was pregnant with him.

A moment in our hands
Forever in our hearts
Always in our thoughts
Never far apart

A life that was so short lived
And question still remain
We will always think of you
And always know your name

A love so strong as ours
Can never go away
So although we're far apart
In our hearts you'll stay

A moment in our hands
Forever in our hearts
We will always love you, Son
Even though we're far apart

A love so strong as ours
Can never go away
We will love you till the end
We will love you everyday

~written by Daddy

We love you sweet baby. You always have a large piece of Mommy and Daddy's heart. You are our Angel and we love you forever and always.

Happy Easter Jonathan!

Happy Easter and all Mommy and Daddy's love to our little boy. We love you!

Jonathan Mitchell Buquet

Jonathan Mitchell Buquet
Born to our loving arms Oct 9, 2008
where he spent his short 3 hour life.

A life is not measured in time, or in deeds of importance,
but by how many people love you - and in that case, Jonathan will have had a very full life -full of love


Thank you to

Names in the sand
for the generous gift they give to parents like me who have lost our children.
Nothing heals our hearts, or brings back our children but somehow seeing Jonathan's name in the sand is very healing. I feel at peace.

Jonathan's slide shows

Here are both the slide shows: (click on the white words)

belly slide show

Jonathan's birth slide show

The Jonathan slide show is similar but not the same as the one longer one we showed at the memorial.

To write their Names in the Sand

You never know when life will throw you a curve. This year has been full of trials for my family. We know that eventually things will straighten out and get us back on the path we were once on.

Many people are connected through the losses of their children. Whether in pregnancy or shortly after birth or later. The loss is great and infinitely devastating and heart breaking. There is no way to know the pain you will feel, how many times your heart will break when you relive the moments your life changed forever. Everyday I grow a little more from this experience and know that everything happens for a reason and while Jonathan may not have lived to change the world, he changes the world a little bit every day from his place in all of our little hearts.

I was contacted by a lovely Angel today, Jen, who brought me this blog spot. It is dedicated to writing passed on children's names in the sand on the beaches of Australia.

They are amazing. Their photographs are gorgeous and I hope to get my sweet Jonathan's name written when they start taking names later in the month. I will let you know if its posted and have the photo here.

38 weeks pregnant

I just realized its Saturday. Saturday is the day that I would switch to the next week of pregnancy. I would have been 38 weeks pregnant today with my sweet baby Jonathan. I would be waddling around all huge and round, having a hard time standing up from the couch and a hard time getting back down once I had finally gotten up. I would be so tired and yet still unable to sleep because no matter how hard you try there is no comfortable position when you have an a$$ the size of Texas and a small whale in your belly. Oh and that is not to mention how often you get up to pee. By the time you lie back down you realize you have to pee again (hey Erin you there yet?! :o)

I would be pulling up my shirt to show Grayson his baby brother and so he could kiss and talk to his baby. All of which he still does sometimes by the way. Today as a matter of fact. Today he pulled up my shirt and asked about the baby. When I told him our baby was an angel and gone he said oh. And pulled up his own shirt to ask about that baby, I told him neither of us has a baby in their belly right now (I will save the no babies in his belly talk for later. :) he said oh again and went back to his train table.

Anyway, I would be 38 weeks pregnant today. I still feel pregnant sometimes. When I first heard the term phantom kicks I thought people were crazy until I felt them. Every once in a while I will feel like my ribs or stomach is being "pushed" out of the way by someone so small and yet so demanding of space. It seems like an eternity since I felt them for real and I can't wait to feel a baby in there again and yet... I don't if I ever will really be ready to be pregnant again.

Eventually, Someday, I hope to announce that we are expecting a perfectly healthy baby, until then I will look at my little boy and smile because he is perfect just as he is. I love you sweet baby Jonathan!