Today I am winning

Today started at 4:15am

Well, technically it started at 2am, but we will say 4:15 since that's the last time I slept.

Since the sun came up, it's been a solo or chorus of crying, pooping, upset messes.

I wrote about it and got some amazing support from friends.

And in a text message conversation with a friend I said "I'm not winning any awards today"

And then I stopped.

Because I am! I am winning! I haven't yelled, or cried myself, or lost it. I have patiently taken each child, taken care of their needs, tried endlessly to get the tears to stop, taken a 3 minute break when I felt it was necessary. I've changed.4 pairs of underwear, four diapers, and fed a semi nutritious lunch (breakfast was bread and m&ms so I was trying to make up for it).

And you know what? That's not a lot, but it's what is needful, and I can do it. To me, that's winning.

And maybe tomorrow we will make a beautiful gingerbread house and I'll finish my Pinterest quilts and we will all sit in front of the tree and sing in matching clothes, but whether or not we do that today or tomorrow or any day, what makes us happy is having each other, and serving each other in the best way we know how.

This is motherhood

Last night was a doozy. Amelia is teething, Bennett has a cold, and Seth and I are both coming down with something. And so started the cycle...

Ironically all the kids slept through the first part of the night, the part where we organized toys, did dishes, grocery shopped, and did laundry (lots of laundry, lots and lots of laundry). 

But then bedtime hit, and the cycle. Amelia seriously spent 6 hours crying, regardless of what we did. Benny was either up, so Seth would take Amelia while I got him back down, or he would sleep while I took Amelia, and wake up as soon as I came in the room. The pinnacle of the night was when Ryan needed to be wiped, Amelia was screaming, and I was nursing Benny. We were outnumbered.

I wasn't mad. It was the first sleepless night with three. We have been blessed/lucky. Benny sleeps fairly well and Seth has been able to keep the other two manageable. And I am thinking of the moms who will read this with far worse scenarios (everyone up barfing all night, etc). I know it wasn't that bad. But there's a point to all this and I had to share the sleep-deprived sick-enduced backdrop.

I was standing by Amelia's crib singing "I love to see the temple" while tickling her face like dad used to do when we couldn't settle down to sleep. It was finally working and she was finally...finally! drifting. And then I heard Ryan with a little whisper "mama. Mama. MAMA. Amelia has been crying all night." Ya think?  "Mama. Mama. Will you rub my arm?"

For a split second I wanted to turn around with a big SHUSH, because so help me if he woke sister up again...but luckily I stopped. 

"This is motherhood" I thought. "This is my job, and I want to be good at it. I might be taking the night shift tonight, but that's not a reason to be bad at my job. If this is something I've looked forward to my whole life, I can decide to be really good at it."

I smiled, not because I suddenly became good at my job, but because I realized I could. I have the chance to decide what kind of mom I want to be, the kind of mom I want my kids to remember. I certainly had a good example to follow in my own mom, and examples of super moms all around I can aspire to. But more than anything, I have these sweet (and crazy) kids to love that I've been given the responsibility to raise, and I love them enough to be that kind of mom for them.

And with that thought, I patiently got Amelia to sleep, went and tickled Ryan's arm until he fell asleep, and went back in the bedroom just as Bennett woke again. 

And I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Birth story start and a few thoughts

We are so excited to welcome Bennett Joseph Johnson to our family. We have had a roller coaster ride since he got here, but it has been worth it for this sweet little boy.

When people ask how long I was in labor I debate between saying "a month" and "3 hours", and I guess in a way it is both...

About a month ago I started having contractions nightly, lasting between 30-60 seconds every 5-7 minutes apart. They weren't unbearable but they kept me awake or woke me up. Begin the sleepless nights and super hard days.  I had the cough from Satan himself so I wasn't ready to go into labor, but at the same time I wanted that baby out so I could sleep!!!

From 39 to 41 weeks contractions built and I'd get my hopes up only to have them dashed when contractions would suddenly just stop. The emotionality of it all was the worst, and my hormones could hardly take it.

On my 41 week appt, my midwife Susan offered to break my water the next day. I was tempted to have her break my water, but ultimately we knew it would be better to go into labor on our own, so I turned her down. Luckily, my contractions were every 3-4 minutes apart and more intense after the membrane sweep, so Seth and I started walking around the hospital hoping this was "it".

Hours of walking later, we were walking toward labor and delivery, and I came to the hard honest truth with myself that I wasn't in active labor. I had a good cry and then we hopped in the car to get acupuncture. Susan was sympathetic, and ultimately told me that she thought I still had some fear and needed to open my spirit to let go and let this baby out! Suzanne, my hypnobirthing guru had said the same thing several times, so I did my best, prayed really hard, and went home with Seth to have dinner, feed the babies, and get everyone to bed.

My mom was incredibly patient through all of this, I am so grateful for everything she did. The kids love her and handled everything so well because she was there. She dealt with me for a week pregnant, and then handled the kids pretty much on her own for another week. Bless her heart, I think she's exhausted, but she hasn't complained yet!

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Well, I started writing that on November 9, and then wrote my birth story in a different forum later, but figured that was a good enough intro for the blog. (I have the full birth story written elsewhere, email me if you really want to read it and I'll send the rest of the story!) Just came across it again as I opened my new blogger app. I'm pretty sure with the demise of google reader my blog got cleaned out of plenty of newsfeeds, which is just the way I'd have it, really. I've wanted to blog several times in the past several months, but how do you start again, especially when the content isn't catching up or starting new as much as having a desire to write and share thoughts, however random and sporadic. 

There are a few topics I've become passionate about and will hopefully share in more depth later, but in brief:

There is so much power in positive thought. I went on my first Bennett postpartum run a few weeks back. Set the timer just to see my pace, and as I approached a mile I thought "oh let me check, wouldn't it be nice if I were close to a ten minute mile and could hit that mark?". I checked my timer and was shocked to see 7:09 a block from my mile mark. Immediately, I started dry heaving and suddenly my body felt like a pile of bricks. Surely I couldn't have just ran a mile in 7:30 less than 5 weeks after birthing a baby--and my mind, believing that was certainly crazy, shut down my body in seconds. I stopped myself, realizing I could have ran that pace the whole way there, the whole way home, with barely a second thought, but once I knew that pace? 

Well, let's just say that moment was profound--life-changing, really. How many times have I let my mind dictate my goals and limit my potential? Who am I to limit my abilities by simply not believing its possible? I am determined to change that, this year. I am setting my goals without limits, I'm going to shatter some ceilings, and I'm going to be really, really, happy doing it.

In a somewhat related thought, I posted a status update on Facebook last night that proved to be quite the lame controversy. "Well, I birthed a 10 lb 3 oz baby in three hours, naturally, without screaming this year, what did you do? ;)". 

In truth, I shouldn't have written the tag on the end, because it made it appear like a competition, which it assure you was not my intent.

But it made me think...why, in the age of digital and social media, is there such a pressure of comparison? Do we have to qualify or self-depreciate our accomplishments in order to share the things we have worked hard to accomplish? I agree that we all need to be humble, and certainly don't need to brag about the things we do, but can't we also be proud of ourselves for working hard toward our goals, and share those things without judgement? Can we cheer each other on, even if our goals, and (gasp) skills and talents, are different? Can we be grateful for the hard work others put in to accomplish the things they set out to do?

I really am looking for a good answer to that one, and hopefully will have something to share about it soon. Perhaps we all need to let go of "stars and dots", so to speak, and let our true light shine. Perhaps we need to let go of the concern of looking perfect, or looking good, or LOOKING anything, for that matter, and just BE. 

Anyway, just a couple things I wanted to throw out there. Maybe the two thoughts need to be connected more, and possibly that is the solution. I'm sorting it out, I guess :) 

6 weeks and counting!

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I found this post, unpublished from Amelia's birth. I liked it, so I'm sharing it now.

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Just checking in to share some photos and let people know we're alive!

I've struggled to post, not because I don't have awesome photos to share and sweet moments to document, but because I don't want to paint a perfect picture that's not entirely true, or be Debbie downer about all the hard times we have, too. So here's the truth!

The truth is that we have the sweetest little munchkin, I can't even believe it.

Truth is, Ryan is adjusting, but he's really a good kid. I've seen his highest highs and his lowest lows in the past 6 weeks. Truth is, he's seen mine, too. :)

Truth is, Baby Amelia likes to sleep. We've had our bad nights, for sure, but once I gave up sugar, chocolate, and mexican food, she's been sleeping 5-6 hours and then another 5-6 hours. And lots of naps in between.

Truth is, when we tell everyone how good Amelia is, she usually starts being fussy and crying. Touche.

Truth is, I'm not going to win mom of the year anytime soon. Really. Ugh, I'm humiliated at the way I've handled plenty of moments.

Truth is, my kids hopefully won't remember those moments, and will remember the times that Dada comes home to tickle

Amelia Jane Johnson

Introducing Amelia Jane Johnson

Born 3/6/12

Weight: 7 lbs 14 oz
Height: 20 inches

We are home and happy and taking it all in between naps.

Ryan has taken things very well--I think he did all his worrying and preparation in the three months prior to her arrival so we don't have to worry about it now :) He was very excited to get Toy Story's Jesse from Amelia and he gave Amelia a little Baby Boo from Monsters and a Baby Minnie Mouse.

Amelia is sleepy and feisty and has the longest toes ever.

Seth is a trooper and a total champ. Takes care of so much without me even having to ask, and endures my constant checklist of things I want him to do for me :)

Our neighbors and friends have been so good to us--from taking care of Ryan to showing up with flowers and delicious food and laundry services (yes, we're SO lucky!).

I am sooooo happy with the way that our birth turned out. I went into labor around 2AM, labored at home until 5:30 AM, got to the hospital and had Amelia less than an hour later--almost in Triage, but we made it to L&D on a little prayer :) We have been preparing for months for a hypnobirth, and while it wasn't a textbook relaxed and calm and quiet birth, we definitely employed a lot of the techniques we learned and I feel like it was a huge blessing and success, due in large part to the fact that labor was so short and without other intervention. I definitely threw some punches at Seth's thigh and tried to bite his forearm for a brief second, but he took it well and knew I didn't mean any harm by it. :)

I've also been a little bit in shock at how much easier this recovery has been. When we had Ryan I seriously was SO sick and it was SO hard for SO long. I know it has been less than 72 hours, but it has been 10x easier than the first 72 hours with Ryan, for sure. I only tore a little bit with Amelia, which helps a lot, and being able to get up immediately after the birth was very helpful, too. Nursing is going a lot better as well, and since I was nursing Ryan up until I got pregnant the transition went much smoother--and the lactation specialist is hoping that will make the whole process go a lot easier.

We are so grateful for the MANY prayers, thoughts, and positive sentiments sent our way, especially while I was trying to endure being overdue, and especially the prayers for this baby to come easily. We couldn't do this without you, and are so grateful for your thoughts and prayers and help!!!

Creations

I am so glad that nesting kicked in when it did--it has kept me sane during the past few weeks! And after deep cleaning the house for 7 hours today, I'm not quite sure what else is left to do but snuggle my little Ryan and keep him entertained until he can "get his present from the baby" :)

Here are some of my favorite creations:

The Nursery: Homemade Bumper, Skirt, Mobile, Pillow, and Quilts :)(Excuse the mess of toys on the floor. You should have seen all the pictures with a blurry Ryan running through or running to the camera...)

















The Bassinet: Quilt made by mom


Some Hats of varying size and cute-ness...eh, some might never be worn!



Some Embellished Onsies:



Bow Holder and some bows and Flowers: (Some purchased, some gifted, some made!)


The refurbished carseat: I re-did the canopy and made the slipcover.






We're so excited to have this little baby girl join our family!

Etsy Sale

Just thought I'd let friends and family know that until I have the baby (which could be anytime between now and the end of the month, how's that for a vague prediction!), everything in my etsy shop is discounted to $5! I'm going to clear a lot of my inventory so that I don't have to try to get in and out of the post office with wee ones in midst of cold season. I will be going on vacation mode for awhile after this little girl is born, so stock up now on your gifts! :)

That being said, I'm only going to ship once a week--on Fridays--so you have all week to decide or change your mind before I ship things out! :)

Message me on etsy with your order and I'll send you the discount code!

I also have some items that aren't currently in my shop that I do have stock of...namely:
Lavendar Pink 10mm Posts

Grass Green 10mm Posts

Coral Flower 10mm Posts

Cream 14mm Posts (O̶n̶l̶y̶ ̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶p̶a̶i̶r̶ ̶l̶e̶f̶t̶!̶) UPDATE: Reserved!
Several hair pins like this one, in Light Green, Light Pink, and Cream.

Thanks!

Sneak Peek!

I just have to share some sneak peeks of Baby Girl Johnson's Nursery--her quilts! A few years ago while at Michael Levine in Downtown LA (the only fabric place worth going to in LA for quilting fabric, IMO) I stumbled upon this owl fabric and bought two yards of it on a whim. When we found out we were having a girl, I brought it to Utah on my next trip and had Mom help me pick out coordinating fabrics to make nursery quilts. I couldn't be happier with the way they turned out!!!!! A huge thanks to Mama for all her help and running around for me!

I especially love that the quilting has owls in it! And special thanks to Aunt Pat for fixing some of my applique--her blanket stitch is amazing!!

I'm so excited about it, I can't stop--now I am determined to make crib bumpers and a crib skirt to match everything, and am working out the details for it all--luckily I already have some amazing coordinates to go with it--Mom made a beautiful Yellow quilt that is perfect for the bassinet and Grandma Beck made a coral afghan. I just feel so lucky!!!

Uh-oh

Earlier today I posted on Facebook about how I needed help figuring out what I needed to get together for baby girl Johnson. So many people are so helpful and so supportive...

but guess what? It made me realize how LITTLE I've done, and how much I have left!

With Ryan, I had a spreadsheet with everything I could possibly need, and by 32 weeks i had purchased and crossed everything off that list. I'll be 34 weeks in two days, and I don't think I have a thing! The carseat needs to be washed/recovered, the crib needs to revert from being Ryan's stuffed animal storage to being a crib, new sheets to be ordered, quilts to be finished, bassinet sheets to be washed, nursing bras to be scoped out and figured out so I can purchase with relative ease once I see how ginorm I am, storage for her clothes and necessities, baby carrier to be picked out and purchased, burpcloths to be made/purchased...um, and then the 35 other things that I'm forgetting.

And I have 7 loads of laundry that I can't even manage to do. Don't mention that I need to wash all of baby Girls's clothes, too!

Let the nesting begin!!! :)

Update:

Well, my friends, it turns out a day and a half is all a girl needs to get the real necessities taken care of! I organized my thoughts/wants/needs yesterday, and this morning ventured out to Target and Babies R Us, scoring some GREAT deals and getting *almost* everything I needed for this little one. We're holding out on a few items, knowing that they'll come in or be easy to grab, and I'll make steady progress on the things I "need" to make and we'll be set!

One Little Word 2012

Last year it took me months to come up with our one little word 2011. Probably because we didn't know what was around the corner for so long, and it was a process to find "Purpose" in everything. You know what? It was a good thing that I did it rather late than never, because Purpose was exactly what we needed to focus on. I would re-use the word for this year because I like it so much, but we came up with a few other good ones last night, so on with the new!

I also have to credit Heather for motivating me to get our One Little Word in order, since she's selling cute posters of the word at her site, Simply Fresh Designs. Check them out. Buy One. Hang it up and remember it all year. And by all means, tell Heather that she is so super talented while you're at it. She has 5 kids and somehow can still stay on top of everything and still have time for the cutest lil business--that's sainthood, right there!

We have a few runners up for our one little word this year, namely:

I think if there's a word that will sum up 2012, it will be CHANGE. New living situations, New jobs, maybe a new state, new baby, new challenges with 2 kids, new challenges with kid #1, new weight loss goals, new marathons to run....lots of NEW. Lots of CHANGE. Lots of UNKNOWNS!!!! I think recognizing these things will help me keep some sanity, since I normally thrive on a set course of knowing what to expect. So if I expect change, maybe I'll be prepared for it???!?!? (Insert panicky half-laugh have terrified scream here).

As I was setting new years resolutions, I realized how impossible it is to actually control some of them. You know, like "Don't get Mastitis." BUT, there are things I can try to do, and that I can focus on, to at least get me in a better position for a lot of these things!

So, as I was looking at Seth's goals, my goals, and trying to work toward a one-word solution for all of them, it came...


ORGANIZE.

D&C 88:119 Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God;

I know the context of this scripture is referring to a "House of God" AKA Temple, but what a better example to follow than to establish a house that reflects the same order as the Temple? So, that's my goal, that's my word. We're going to work on getting this house in order--spiritually, physically, mentally!

I'm looking forward to this year. My friend Natty used to always tell me she had "Lucky Feelings" about things, and while I feel a little foreboding at the daunting changes before us, I also feel a little lucky feeling, like that we're ready for lots of tender mercies and blessings to recognize and be thankful for in this upcoming year. And as I type that I knock on wood, because we're going to need lots of that to get us through!!!

Have I mentioned that I'm a little terrified and overwhelmed lately?

I also just have to add that as Seth and I were discussing our One Little Word last night, I added that I needed a post script to our word. Organize. *Stay Sane. Wish me luck!!!

So, what's your One Little Word?