REMEMBER WHEN...

...Captain America went emo and no one called him out on it?

To be fair to the people of the late 80's, the term "emo" hadn't been invented yet, but that is completely what happened to Steve Rogers. Back in '87, Rogers became distrustful of the government after a high ranking senator turned out to be an operative of the Secret Empire. When the Commission on Superhero Activities demanded Rogers come back to work as a government agent, he let go of the government owned Captain America costume and went into action as the black-clad The Captain.

This being the 80's you'd think they were trying to make Cap dark and gritty, but that was reserved for the new Captain America John Walker. Walker started off levelheaded, then went completely off the rails, killing loads of people before Rogers smacked him down. No, Rogers' black costume was to show his disillusionment with the government he held so high.

This is Sad Cap. Still kicked ass, though. He is the Super-Soldier.

The One Where I Was Inspired By Monster Vag

This Wednesday, a small contingent of the usual gang who go to Fantom were eating at the Capitol Grill and somehow got onto the subject of vampire sex. I say somehow, but even when there are like ten of us, the subject of weird sex is bound to come up at least once.

Having read the Necroscope series by Brian Lumley, I was able to freak out PJ, Kay and Gerald with, by far, one of the grossest depictions of "sex" we as a collective have ever heard. Along with a movie about a young woman who grows teeth in an inappropriate place, the idea formed in my head to make a movie about a 'Monster Vag', that swallows men whole and grows twenty feet tall. The movie would be filled with double entendres and Jensen Ackles pounding vag.

But that brainstorming session was just the inspiration I needed to start working on this oft-neglected hobby of mine. Just collecting the thoughts in my head made me want to write something, and let's face it, Monster Vag would have to be the world's first internet exclusive movie to see release. So, I decided to write something for here and I got some random stuff for ya:

I'm wondering if the last panel of this book was Ed Brubaker giving a shout-out to The Bourne Identity by Robert Ludlum. There a forum in which I could ask him?

As the dust settles from Final Crisis, I am pleased that Grant Morrison broke the cycle of Crises from DC. FC changes nothing history-wise. It's a characterwide crossover that only required you to read Superman Beyond 3-D mini(the greatest metatextual ending in comics), which makes sense since(sense squared) Morrison wrote that as well. It's like the original Secret Wars, except with Frankenstein attacking a possessed Wonder Woman with a giant fire-breathing dog and an army of Supermen saving the multiverse, one of which is Barack Obama. Awesome.

As far as the Faces of Evil covers go, the ones for Batman and Booster Gold are of dubious evil value. Catwoman can be forgiven for wanting some revenge on the guy who took her heart out in a plot against her ex-boyfriend and Enemy Ace wouldn't shoot at disabled planes. Not really evil. Deadshot isn't that evil either , but Secret Six is a great comic, especially Gail Simone's depiction of Bane as a caring father to a woman who's probably way older than himself.

I saw something on Wednesday that blew my mind, it was that insane. Apparently, Rob Liefeld is back to his Fighting American kick, the patriotic Golden Age he brought back as a bastardized version of Captain America when he was kicked off Heroes Reborn. He's leading off with Smash!, which by the cover is an obvious rip-off of Hulk. And the writer of this masterpiece:

Jeph Freakin' Loeb!

He is already writing a Hulk rip-off character for Marvel, which is one of the shittiest narratives in comics' history. Is this the project he was saving his serious Hulk material for or will Smash! achieve a level of abysmal that will cause comics to implode? I don't want to find out. I didn't even want to know this kind of convergence could exist.

Heavy Flo. Ugh.

Don't Let Racists Get You Down

Smack them in the face!

Brand New Day

No, John Cassaday is not drawing Amazing Spider-Man, but that picture is badass. Anyway, I more wanted to talk about the brand spanking new Cap, Bucky.

Since returning as a brainwashed amnesiac assassin controlled by a Russian bent on destroying America, young master Buchanan is now an independent superhero with a hot Russian assassin as his girlfriend. Quite the turnaround seeing as most Marvel heroes' lives get worse from becoming a superhero, or just in general(see Daredevil, Spider-Man, 90's X-Men, hell, even Gravity died once). And it's not just Bucky's resurgence that's been ubercool, but Captain America's villains have stepped their game up during Brubaker's. Now, Batroc can get indignant about his customer having doubts about Batroc's abilities when 9 times out of 10, Batroc would get his ass handed to him(the tenth time he'd be able to run away first). Even Faustus came back with the most impressive beard in human history. It's just an awesome time to be reinvented.

Just something I thought I'd share. Go pick up Brubaker's Captain America run or "borrow" it from a friend for keepsies. I'm not advocating stealing from friends, but they'll forgive you, so it's a victimless crime. Just saying.

And that picture had absolutely nothing to do with what I wanted to talk about. I'm just realizing that.

Cap's Taking Hints From Union Jack

Cap's Dead

I know it's like a month late but something has been bothering me ever since Captain America died.

Everyone keeps saying Cap will be back(which I know) like he has before. As if Captain America (the Steve Rogers Cap) has died before. Which as far as I know, he hasn't. Ever.

So far when I ask people to verify this, they go to two examples. The first being when Red Skull died the first time, when he was an old man and fought Cap after exposing Cap to an aging gas that temporarily retarded his Super Soldier serum (which I'm know realizing could be called the SS serum and that makes me a little quesy). Anyway, Red Skull died then, not Cap, the gas wore off and he returned to normal. Anyone have definitive proof this was not the way it went down?

Secondly, they bring up the storyline where Captain America's Super Soldier serum became toxic or something, and Cap had to wear that hideous Cap Armor just to walk around. While I was aware of the storylines of that time, I couldn't bring myself to read Cap Wolf, or teen Cap or any of the other stupid transformations they put him through. So I don't know how that story ended, but I know the series went on with Captain America still around, and there weren't any crossovers or mentioning of Cap dying in any other books of that time. So did he? Does anyone have that storyline so we can see whether he really died and came back?

It bugs me a little, because while I know death is not a constant in comics, I can't stand when people kind of write off a story as though it's happened a hundred times to the character before.

Help me please.

Yays and Boos

My comic store didn't receive it's shipment of Captain America #25, Fantastic Four #543, and some other major Marvel releases because Diamond Distributors sucks ass sometimes. Anyway, the issues came today and it makes me both glad and disappointed. Why? Because Marvel has some serious pricing issues.

On Wednesday, I reluctantly bought Civil War: The Initiative, just to see what was in store with the new series post-CW. Really, I was hoping it was more like Winter Soldier:Winter Kills than Civil War:Choosing Sides. It was drawn by Marc Silvestri, which is a plus, and written by Brian Michael Bendis, which can go either way. It's really just an over-sized commercial, with nothing really to offer besides a splash page of the Thunderbolts and further confirmation that Iron Man's a douche.

The worst part? It was $4.99.

Today, I got Cap and FF, both extra-sized issues, and I was greatly pleased with both. Especially Cap, which managed to erase a lot of my bad feelings caused by Civil War #7. Seeing Cap, even in cuffs, with his head held high and still standing up for what he believes in made me remember why I like the character. Brubaker seems to have a knack at incorporating personal drama into the epic kind, without it seeming...emo. The 'surprise' was blown way before I got a chance to read it, but the way it happened and the characters' reactions are brilliantly written and I have to commend Brubaker on fitting in the events of Civil War into his Red Skull storyline.

FF featured a Dateline-ish special about the history of the Fantastic Four and the affect the Civil War would have on the team. I'm just wondering what forms you have to fill out when interviewing Doctor Doom. Does he sign a contract or just commands you to enter and leave when he tires of you? Anyway, it was a nice return to a more cheerful Fantastic Four that still acknowledged the difficulties that lie ahead.

The two backup stories, one by Stan Lee and Michael Allred and the other by Paul Pope, are what really make this issue special. For awhile, Marvel's been throwing out extra-sized issues that were basically just a regular story with four or five extra pages and a reprint of an old issue. Here we have two new stories and the unexpected delight of having a good Stan Lee story, even if it is a self parody. And Pope's Human Torch/Spider-Man rivalry is nicely done.

Both of these issues which actually add something and move the overall story along, are both $3.99. Why the hell did I pay an extra dollar for that Initiative crap? To find out who the new Guardian is? It wasn't that important to me, and a lot of pages are devoted to 'screenings' of upcoming books, including Cap #25, The Mighty Avengers #1, and Iron Man #15.

Get it together, Marvel! Hype books for upcoming series should not cost more than extra-sized issues with all-new material. Because, again, DC would have only charged a dollar.

He cried! Jesus Christ, he cried!