Greener Pastures

I'm 28 years old. I'm an adult. I have my own house, a car, and furniture I can jump on whenever I want. I have a grown-up job, bills, and financial responsibilities. And I'm homesick.

I miss my family. I miss my mom. I miss sitting on a tailgate with a beer and chit-chatting because I had absolutely nothing better to do. What's better than beer? I miss bonfires. You can't have those in the city. At least not the kind that I'm used too. Once we made one taller than the house. I miss burnt marshmallows. Sure, I could go camping like other city people do, but believe me - it's just not the same.

I miss having roots. I've been here for what feels like an eternity, and I have no roots. If I moved tomorrow I would not miss this place. Some of the people maybe, but I have yet to become attached to the way of life. I feel disconnected in a way I never thought possible.

Hubby does not understand my love for where I grew up. He thinks it's very quaint, like when you see a photo you like in a magazine and say, "huh, that's nice". He has similar home attachments to Welland, where he grew up. I love it there also, but it is not home. They say home is where the heart is... trust me, I have tried to relocate the feeling, but my heart is stubborn like everything else in me. I believe that comes from the Youmans side of the family.

Someone said to me a while back, "Good for you for getting out of there!" I looked at them strangely and said, "if I could go back tomorrow I would". Who wouldn't? Quiet, beautiful, lakes and rivers to swim in... ever wonder why everyone moves to cottage country to retire? Why they spend their entire lives saving to move to paradise and then show up North of 7? Because when you live HERE... THERE is the other side of the fence. You know, the greener side.

I'm in a major transition point in my life. On the edge of getting almost everything I've ever wanted. Isn't it funny that just at the time when I'm going to reach all of my goals in life I question it? I must be crazy. This is proof that you always want what you can't have, no matter how much you have to be grateful for. And I AM grateful. Grateful and homesick. I'm going to find a tailgate and a beer. Wanna play caps?

Cheers.

To Joke, Or Not To Joke.

I make jokes at the most inappropriate times possible. I think it's because as a small child, I learned that laughter is a great tension reliever... especially when your parents are fighting, or your mother is depressed, or your brother is behaving badly to get attention. Unfortunately, this is a behavioural trait that has carried on into my adult life. Believe it or not, there IS a time to laugh and a time to cry... however, the majority of the time I choose to laugh and almost everyone I know disapproves.

Inevitably, as soon as there is tension in the air, my not-so-funny bone kicks in, my mouth opens, and words come out. In normal circumstances, these words would be hilarious... but not so much at my grandmothers funeral, or at work in the middle of a crisis, or on layoff day when I said... "Look on the bright side... now you'll have more time for origami and knitting!" Insensitive right? I mean.. most of those people were worried about how they were going to feed their children, and here I was making jokes.

I wanted to get up and say something at my grandmothers funeral... but I couldn't. I was afraid. I was afraid I would open my mouth and out would come some smart-assed comment which would be delivered with good intentions... but would sound like I was up there doing stand-up instead of talking about my feelings and what a special lady my grandmother really was. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Some people like to look on the bright side of life... I like to look on the funny side. I can make a joke out of pretty much anything, and usually they are at my own expense. I try not to hurt others, but sometimes the inappropriateness of my timing is horrifying. Those who know me well will stomp on my foot, or kick my shin to let me know when I am behaving badly.

Once at a wedding with co-workers, I made a comment about one of the ladies lovely hair cuts. She was a co-worker that I hadn't seen in quite sometime. I remember shouting something to the effect of: "Why'd you cut off all of you lovely hair... I mean, you're hair cut is really wonderful, but you had the nicest long wavy hair I'd ever seen!" Doesn't sound bad at all right? As soon as I said it the entire table went silent. It was at that precise moment that I remembered that that particular co-worker had been off for quite sometime do to cancer treatment, chemo, and radiation. She hadn't cut off her lovely hair at all... it had fallen out. I wanted to die. But that wonderful women just looked at me, smiled, and said: "Sometimes your hair falls out from chemo, mine did, so I got a wig! Isn't it pretty?" At this point, I was wishing God would strike me down with a lightning bolt. There she was trying to ease MY humiliation when she could have gotten angry, (and rightly so), and tore a strip off of me. So then, I did what any self-respecting, humiliated person would do. I got very, very drunk and focused all my energy on making her laugh for the rest of the evening. She passed away a few months later, but I often think about her and her quiet, forgiving demeanor. She was probably the most patient soul I have ever met, and one of the sweetest women to walk the face of the earth.

I try to think before I speak... but it doesn't always happen. I still put my foot in my mouth far too often, but not nearly as much as I used to. I think the times when I can use my humor to cheer people up far out-weighs the times when I accidentally hurt others. I was thinking of making a t-shirt that says "CAUTION: I TALK BEFORE I THINK" But I thought that the only person who would find that funny would be me.

I am a vindictive sort of woman

I thrive on being right. I will go to great lengths to PROVE I'm right. And I have a hard time not rubbing it in peoples faces when I am finally proven right. This is bad. A serious character flaw, you might say. So, I hold back the, "I told you so", and the, "See?"... and I really do try to hide the self satisfied smirk that sneeks on to my face when someone tells me I'm right. It's not that I believe I know everything, but when I choose my battles and fight for what I believe in, I like to come out on top in the end.

The worst part is... I'm also vindictive. When I am in pain, I want to cause pain to the person that has inflicted that pain upon me... when really, I've probably done most of the damage to myself. I don't know why this is. I certainly don't feel better after I have intentionally said something hurtful, even when I felt it deserved. I think the real problem is I used to be this quiet, shy person who did everything for everyone because it made me happy. And then people started to take advantage of my niceness. After a very long time of trying to make everybody happy all the time, I became NOT nice. I'm not sure which is the lesser evil. I refuse to let people walk all over me... but something dies a little inside me when I am cruel to people. Plus I immediately regret my rash behaviour. There has to be a happy medium. Maybe I just need to drink more wine. On the upside, I have no problems admitting to my flaws, so there's something.