Revealing the Dirty Indian Psyche?

Sorry for being MIA. Work, work, and more work had kept me away from you guys. But I did read and watch the news. And a few stories ate me up alive! And many others filled me with shame.

Despite all the economic growth and materialism flooding India, certain behaviors and attitudes remain unchanged about the country. We still don't respect our women. It starts at home and the culture is reflected in the thought process of even lawmakers and protectors of the law.

A few weeks ago, there was an article in the First Post: From the Delhi police: Why women deserve to be raped. Sure, women have a tattoo on their foreheads that scream: “Come, violate me. And then put my dignity on trial as the lawyers make me relive the nightmare while the perpetrator roams scot free!”

Did I mention that New Delhi isn’t just India’s capital, but it is also the rape capital of the country? According to a report by the National Crime Control Bureau, 23 per cent of rape cases in the urban areas took place in Delhi. 1 of every 4 rapes in India is committed in Delhi.

A Tehelka stint aimed at over twenty police stations across the Delhi-NCR area revealed harsh, crude, misogynist testimonies of cops (30 senior police officers, not havaldars). I urge you to read the full story in details here because I am going to paraphrase—it upsets me to re-read the profanities and delve into the sick mentality of these police officers. These so-called protectors of the law gave reasons why they thought women asked to be violated. “If you’re “really” raped, you would never complain. If you complain, you were not “really” raped.”

Not too long ago, in Gurgaon, also known as “ the outsourcing mega-city south of New Delhi,” police authorities came up with a law that doesn’t permit women to work after 8 p.m. To combat sex crimes, these pervert geniuses put a curfew on women, the victims, but the perpetrators of rape enjoy freedom. Amazing how even the lawmakers are gender-biased! The desire to control the weaker sex under all circumstances!

On paper we might say great things about women, but in reality, in the Indian society we work with the notion that women are commodities that can be treated like dirt. Go back in time and remember; it started with Sita and Draupadi.

The hero of Ramayana, Rama, might have been a good ruler and a perfect son, but he was a lousy husband to Sita and an irresponsible father. He asked Sita to prove her chastity twice when she was abducted because of him! She was in the jungle, when Ravan took her away, because of Rama and his unreasonable promise to his parents.

In Mahabharata, Draupadi, like a platter of food, was shared between five brothers: the Pandavas. And then molested by her cousin brother-in-laws because her loser husbands made and lost a bet. I am appalled; who the hell gave the Pandavas the authority to use their wife as a chip at a casino?!

The situation is only slightly altered today. Sure, my generation has more number of workingwomen, which brings financial independence. But that doesn't mean women are empowered, safe, or respected. They are still considered as property. Education has enabled people to hide their animal instincts better.

Women are beaten up, insulted, burnt to death, but we barely do anything. In-laws choose to say what they want and behave inhumanly, but a daughter-in-law is expected to put up with it because she has the XX chromosomes. A woman. Whatever a woman does is never enough or adequate—there are always mistakes pointed out. There is one set of rules for the daughters and another for the daughter-in-laws. But no one says a word to the man—be it the son or the son-in-law.

I recently watched a commercial for an Indian product: hygiene wash called Clean & Dry Intimate Wash. This skin-lightening product promises Indian women “fresher” and “fairer” private parts. As if demeaning matrimonial ads in newspapers about facial skin color weren’t humiliating; for a woman to seem desirable, the society now wants her to have “brightened” nether parts. Wow, our Indian society is incredible at creating new ways of demoralizing women.

What do people fear about women that they feel the need to suppress them? Or to dominate them? Or break them psychologically? For a country like India with rich culture and heritage, poor thoughts about fairer feminine private parts or torturing daughter-in-laws or believing women ask for violence, is degrading. Don't you think the only goal these opinions and acts accomplish is in revealing the dirty Indian psyche?

More until next time,

Xoxo

Copyright © 05.01.2012

“The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.” ~Roseanne Barr

Is your child THE ticket to your social life?

Yes, I am a bit irked. And the post will explain why. But please don’t assume that any one person is the center of my universe—as in the topic for this post. Some emotions are cumulative. Some emotions are spiked because of unusual interactions. Some emotions are evoked because of the insanity involving people’s behavior. And last night happened to trigger all of the above.

History has proveth that the war between married and unmarried women has been long ongoing. Even decades later, some things don’t change. I have often heard married women, mind you it is always women telling stories and whining and not so much men, complain about how they can’t always do the things their single friends do. Marriage changes their emotional status more than what’s required. A ring on the finger, and they almost want to feel captive and unnecessarily important. I find the whole drama nauseating.

No one is denying that priorities change when you are in a relationship and/or married. But marriage shouldn’t mean the death of your remaining ties. Most modern, reasonable men don’t want a slave to serve them. They’d much rather be with a person who has their own life too. Hello, there is a beautiful concept called “space.”

Most men I have spoken with want their beer and sports time too. And they don’t want a noose around their neck—their woman focusing her energy solely on only their relationship. If you want a healthy bond, please “allow” your man to be a friend, son, and sibling aside from just being “your guy.” Each of these roles adds value and is important.

I also get annoyed when married women rub their marital status in their single friend’s faces. Well, honey, we got it. You have a man and you have it made. You made a choice. And not all single women are alone out of their own free will. Circumstances and crap happens. Not narcissism but empathy will go a long way.

What riles me up even more than obsessive married women—some of these pretentious, socially inept, young moms, who finally find a social, not individual, identity because of their children. All of a sudden, having a baby allows them human interaction, a ticket to finally making social connections, and a reason to justify their existence. Also, a kid is the best excuse to use—be it getting out of family commitments, hosting a social event, meeting up with friends, or wanting to sound busy. Do they assume everyone else is just plain stupid?

Haven’t you met women and/or couples, who never really had friends (umm, signs of social inadequateness?), and the minute their kid was able to lift its head/started going to play school, they began to drop names. And highlights of their self-invented busy schedules. Most of these people do little but talk a lot—having a kid gives them the license to bullshit without being caught. News flash: if you weren’t like able as a single or married woman/man, no one is your big fan even today. People tolerate you because your child/children is pleasant and/or a companion for some other kids. And most humans will do anything for their kids, including putting up with a moron.

Most of us with a real life (Doesn’t matter whether we are single, married, working women, or stay at home moms) and friends don’t need to prove to anyone how we spend our 24 hours. Life comes in phases (People close to us will understand & respect the newness), and we deal with the commitments without ignoring all the real people in our lives. It is always the ones with no purpose that stir up trouble.

I am not saying all married women and young moms are nasty and should be tuned out. Not at all. That would be an awful exaggeration. And not just because I am married too. JI have friends whom I admire as they manage to keep such a classy balance between their professional and personal lives. I look up to them. No one relationship defines their identity. And no one person rips off their reality. They never need to prove what all they achieve in a day. But such mature people are few and far in between. Sadly, women, especially when insecure, become vicious. And very often the insecurities are self-inflicted.

As humans, we try to make our lives easier for ourselves—not have to explain our choices. It’s understood that singles might exist in a different mental zone and would interact more with single friends. Similarly married couples might find more in common with two-member households. And couples with young ones would like to befriend others with the same familial structure. That’s not the point. True relationships need to be beyond age, income, social status, or pedigrees. And when you use your child as the ticket to your social life, it's time for some deep introspection! Remember, your kid is going to grow up one day, and if you haven’t grown as a human being, you’ll be back to those lonely, dark days because even your support structure would have moved on.

More until next time,

Xoxo

Copyright © 03.28.2012

“Life is a ticket to the greatest show on earth.”~ Martin H. Fischer

What would life be without *it*?

A very near and dear one once said to me, “I couldn’t marry someone who wasn’t ambitious. If the person is complacent themselves, how would they understand my ambition and what will they teach the generation after?” With time, I seem to see the reality in the confession.

The other day, a friend called me a true prototype of my Zodiac sign—ambitious. I couldn’t agree more; I am a classic Capricorn and not embarrassed to admit it. My mother’s generation fought and sacrificed so women from my generation could have the freedom we have today, and I refuse to let their efforts go a waste by wearing an excuse of “societal-expectations.” See, one of my close college friend’s mothers is a qualified architect, but her in-laws didn’t allow her to practice architecture because that would mean long hours with strangers (read as “males”). Hmmm. So every woman from her generation, who decided to have a career, was libidinous while the stay-at-home women, with an army of servants and countless free hours on their hands, worshipped their husbands? The silliness didn’t end there; she was “allowed” to teach in a school because that would translate to minimal interaction with the opposite sex yet offer her flexible timing so she could bring home money and put up a spread on the table at meal timings. Her ambition was defined for her, but that was then—a generation ago.

More importantly, the true meaning of ambition doesn’t lie in the ordinary definition of 9-5. Ambition is a flavorful word with several dimensions to it. Here is one aspect of the Merriam-Webster meaning for ambition—“It applies to the desire for personal advancement.” This personal advancement comes from the aspiration to defy mediocrity. It’s that unique quality that makes every human special. A very good friend of mine, who lives in San Diego, could put most women to shame with the kind of stuff she does with her life and family. The list is endless, so I’ll stop, but I did suggest that she start a “What Not to Wear” show targeted towards mothers with appalling taste in style, so they wouldn’t dress their kids like dweebs. That aside, due to her phenomenal desire to defy the ordinary, her four-year old wanted to be taken to a "messy" beach, so that she and her sister could pick up the trash and help clean it up! Did I mention that her seven-year old willingly eats healthy food and rarely even smells junk food? My friend knows her ambition (It’s not a 9-5 corporate ruckus) and is darn good at it. Hmm. Now when I think of it, she too is a Capricorn.:-)

People assume the longer hours you spend at work or the more you travel on business, the more driven you are. And they say it like it’s a crime. Well, for starters, wrong! Some women have to keep longer hours because that’s what their job entails. Then there are women, who work because of financial constraints. I have super-successful corporate friends, who love their families as much as stay-at-home women, but because you can’t have the cake and eat it too, you do what’s required. You can’t say I can do what a man does and then leave things midway because you want to come home and cook or sing a lullaby. The way Mother Nature created us women, you want to be able to put a fresh meal on the table and read a story to your little one, but it can’t all be done. It’s tough and draining, but the inability to do these little things shouldn’t earn the woman insipid comments like, “An ambitious woman can never keep a house happy.” By the same token, just because a woman is always available for her family, doesn’t make her super-competent and compassionate. It’s quality vs. quality. What if she’s too lazy to juggle a work life balance or lacks the drive or confidence or interest to go out in the real world. Again, just because a woman is a stay-at-home person, doesn’t mean she lacks the drive. My friend in San Diego is a classic example. To each his own, but don’t condemn “ambition” like it’s a leper you don’t want to see on the streets.

I want to end my rants with: If your ambition is to cruise through life doing nothing but staying happy the way you are, kudos to you. Do just that because that’s your ambition, and there is nothing wrong with it. Its life without a drive that is tragically sad.

More until next time.
Xoxo

Copyright © 04.23.2009

“Ambition is the germ from which all growth of nobleness proceeds” - Oscar Wilde