My logline has been through a number of changes over the last few months.
Pitch
It all started when I entered an agent pitch contest over on Market My Words. I was the joint winner of that contest (here's my post about it), and I received a fantastic query critique from the awesome Mary Kole. Here's the pitch I submitted for that contest:
When misfit Verity is brutally murdered by the boy she loves, she awakens to find herself filled with deadly new powers, uncontrollable rages, and an unquenchable desire for vengeance.
First Logline
Last week, I was lucky enough to be given a spot in Miss Snark's First Victim's Logline Critique (here). This is the logline I submitted for that critique:
When misfit Verity is brutally murdered by the boy she loves, she awakens to find herself filled with uncontrollable rages and an unquenchable desire for vengeance. And if she doesn’t find a way to harness her hatred and her deadly new powers---soon---she won’t be able to stop killing, not even the one person who may save her.
Revised Logline
I received some fantastic suggestions for amendments from the MSFV Critique session, and revised my logline to the following:
When misfit Verity is brutally murdered by the boy she loves, she becomes a ghost with telekinetic powers, the ability to burn her victims, and an unquenchable desire for vengeance. Her search for her killer and her increasing body-count stretch her sanity to the limits, and unless she can find a way to regain control of herself, more innocent people—including the one boy who can still see her—will die.
As you can see, this version gives a lot more detail about my plotline.
Current Logline
Based on your fantastic suggestions from this Logline Blogfest (thanks so much!), my logline now reads as follows:
When misfit Verity is brutally murdered by the boy she loves, she becomes a ghost with deadly new powers, the ability to burn her victims, and an unquenchable desire for vengeance. The search for her killer and an increasing body-count stretch her sanity to the limits, and unless she finds a way to regain control of herself, more innocent people—including the one person who can still see her—will die.
My New Challenge - Creating a Rockin' One-Sentence Pitch
What I'm trying to do now is shorten my two-sentence logline into a rockin' one-sentence pitch that gives more info than my first attempt. If I start again with my "older" one-sentence pitch, and add a few things, I get:
When misfit Verity becomes a ghost after being brutally murdered by the boy she loves, her deadly new powers and an unquenchable desire for vengeance lead to an increasing body-count—if she fails to regain control, more innocent people will die, including the one person with the power to save her from herself.
Hmm, what do you think???
If you want to have a squiz at some posts on loglines, check out here and here.
I'm taking part in Steena Holmes's Logline Contest, so check out the other entrants here. Don't join in ok - I want the prize for myself (*winks*). All right, all right, I'm only joking (*grins*).
Can't wait to hear what you think of my new logline and work-in-progress pitch.