The Magic of Motherhood

Tonight we lit candles and put them in the pumpkin we carved.  It was your first time doing this.  You and Josie thought it was pretty cool.  Then you ran inside and out the back door into the darkening, slightly chilly evening.  "Do you want to come play outside in the dark, Mommy?  It's so fun!  C'mon, Mommy!"  So I ran outside with you and Josie.  Josie kept laughing at her reflection as she shouted and made faces in the French door windows.

"Do you want to dance, Mom?  Twirl, Mom, twirl!"  So I twirled with you.  "Let's run Mom, c'mon, let's run fast!"  So I picked Josie up and we ran around the backyard, with Dirk chasing us and Josie laughing hysterically and you laughing and yelling, "I'm going to catch, you, Mom!"

Then we came inside and set up a lamp to shine against the wall.  We made shadow puppets.  A rooster, a bird, a swan.  I couldn't quite get the rabbit right.  Josie was crawling all over me, intent on figuring out what we were doing.  Then it was bath time.  You and Josie blew bubbles in the water, and you said, "Look, Mom, I'm swimming in the pool!  I'm swimming!"  I thought about how seriously cute both of your little baby butts are right now.  Then we cleaned ears and brushed teeth and put on pajamas and I asked you if you could quietly play by yourself while I put Josie to sleep.  "Oh yes, Mom."  You are getting so good at that.

I rocked and sang Josie to sleep.  I cuddled her and said a little prayer of thanks for her like I do whenever I put her to bed.  "Thank you Heavenly Father for my little Josie.  She makes people happy wherever she goes.  She brings such happiness to our home.  We love her so much."

I found you reading "Olivia Saves the Circus".  "What is she doing Mom?"

"Um, she's walking on stilts.  Sometimes people in circuses walk on these tall sticks and it makes them really tall."

"Why does she have that thing on her nose, Mom?"

"Because she's dressed up as a clown, and sometimes clowns wear those."

"Oh.  What's that, Mom?"

"A trampoline."

"What's that, Mom?"

"A trampoline."

"What's that, Mom?"

"Really, it's a trampoline.  Do you want me to read that book to you?"

"I want you to read two.  No, a bunch.  I want you to read a bunch."

So we read two and then your sweet dad is home, and he tickles you and reads scriptures and says prayers with you, and then, when you are definitely supposed to be asleep, I hear you yelling in your bed.

"What's wrong, Lily?"

"Mommy, Scout needs his diaper changed!  Will you change his diaper?"

"Ok.  Let me see him."

"I need a wipe for my eyes, Mom. I was crying."

"Ok.  Here's Scout."

"Thank you, Mommy."

"You're welcome.  I love you, Lily."

"I love you too, Mom."

Magic.

Sheer Awesomeness

I just spent a weekend with my dad, which was super fun.  My dad is a really neat guy and I don't often get one-on-one time with him, so it was definitely a treat.  Spending this time with him reminded me of how similar we are in some ways.  We have amazing powers of distraction.  You can think you're having a conversation with us, and we are actually millions of miles away, in our own little universe, fretting over something completely unrelated.  We also like to do things a certain way, which often makes us a late.  Maybe you're not seeing the connection.  Perhaps you just plan on being somewhere at a specific time and you know you need to leave at a certain time to get there in order to be on time, and you do just that, and, lo and behold, you are there on time.  THIS IS A FOREIGN CONCEPT TO US.  Because getting somewhere is number 32 on our list of things to do, and the things need to get done, and getting the things done ALWAYS trumps leaving by that pre-determined time, so then we drive really fast, and sometimes just sometimes we make it on time, which only confirms that we did the right thing by leaving later in order to accomplish everything.  It's a vicious cycle. 

Also, we do some really funny things.  I will share a good Dad story.  So, one time, fairly recently after 9/11, my dad was coming to pick me up from the airport when I was coming home from college to visit.  It should not surprise you that my dad is usually late to pick me up. Anyway, this time he was late because he had been hunting the day before and had left all of his hunting guns in his trunk and then was randomly stopped...and searched...then questioned.  Woops!  Luckily the police officer recognized that they were clearly hunting rifles so everything worked out okay.  It was still pretty funny.

Anyway, all of this bonding time reminded of a particularly awesome Dad-ish moment in my life a couple of months ago.  I was running to the store while Tim stayed home with the girls, and he asked me to take some cash deposits from the dental office into the bank.  No problem.  The money was in several envelopes with deposit slips, all ready to go.  I get out of my car in the parking lot, grab the envelopes, not realizing that one is upside down, and no, the envelopes are not sealed, and a sudden gust of wind comes up, the envelope opens, and CASH MONEY FLIES EVERYWHERE.  All over the parking lot.  I am in a panic.  I throw the other envelopes in the car, slam the door, and luckily these really nice people who parked next to me start helping me chase dollars all over, as the wind is still blowing like crazy.  Keep in mind, we are not talking a couple of hundred dollars here, no, I dropped the envelope with the biggest deposit, in the thousands of dollars.  Sheer awesomeness.  By some miracle, and thanks to these really nice people, we get all the money.  I go to open my car door and...it's locked.  With my keys and phone inside.  Yessssss.   Relying once again on the kindness of strangers I borrow their phone, call the husband, who then has to load the kids up and come rescue me, while I sit on the hood of my car attempting to conceal the enormous wad of cash in my pocket. 

To Tim's credit, he just shook his head, recounted the money...and hasn't sent me to the bank with any large deposits since.

Summertime

My little Josie turned 1 on July 2nd, so I figured I'd better post some cute pictures to share with you.  Here she is rockin' the bikini.

Lily shut the back door on Josie the other day (a common occurrence) and at first I was annoyed ("You could slam her fingers in the door!  Don't do that!") but then they made a game out of it so I got the camera out.

Here's me and the girls making cupcakes. 

Grandma Rauch got Josie and Lily matching cars, and they love them.

Yes, that is Lily's bare bum sticking out in this picture.  I can't remember why she was naked from the waist down, probably because nudity is a common occurrence in our home/backyard.  Oh don't worry, not for me.  The privacy walls here are way too low for my taste.

Ashleigh and Kyle came to visit.  This was one of our many attempts at getting Lily, Roxie, and Josie to sit still for a picture.

Babies and mamas.

Sweetest daddy/daughter picture of all time.

No Fear (remember those t-shirts from the 90s?)

I've only been wanting to post for, oh, the last several months.  Josie has gotten into this stage where I can't talk on my phone or get on the computer without her shrieking at me because SHE WANTS TO TOUCH IT!  NOW!  So instead of cleaning the kitchen, unpacking the car from the splash park, taking a shower...I share some of my recent thoughts with you.

At some point this year I decided that I was going to stop being afraid.  Stop being afraid of failing, of looking stupid, of falling, of feeling stupid, of getting hurt, of pushing myself too hard...all of these fears that were keeping me from getting out there and trying new things.  I think I was in somewhat of a rut.  Motherhood had changed me in ways that I hadn't anticipated.  With Lily and then Josie's birth I became responsible for so much more than just myself, and that responsibility made me more hesitant.  On top of that, I had accepted for a long time that I just wasn't a very athletic person.  I was convinced that I was a slow runner, an average road biker, and a definitely wimpy swimmer, among other things.  Also I am not so hot at cross country skiing, if you care to know.  Sure, I had done some half marathons and a few sprint triathlons, but I'd done them very slowly, never trying to compete because I was sure I couldn't.

So then I started CrossFit.  And it was so hard for me.  I felt dumb all the time, in fact, I still feel dumb on a regular basis because I am self-conscious about not being as strong as other people.  But I made a conscious decision that I was going to stop caring about being the slowest, needing the most help, and always having to scale the workout down.  I started giving myself credit for just showing up, and doing my best.

Then I started mountain biking.  And I fell, a lot.  I still fall, a lot, but not as badly.  There is still much swearing, and moments where I have to tell myself, "Just don't cry", when Tim says, "Hey!  We're half way there!" and it has taken all that I thought I had to give just to get half way there.  Then trying not to cry again when he says, "Only 3 more miles."  Or, "There's 2 more miles.  Do you want to just turn around?"  Mountain biking is not only a physical challenge for me, but a mental one.  My brain sends messages to my entire body of, "You are going to die.  Seriously.  If you crash right now, you will die.  Hopefully someone can explain to your girls that you were just trying to do something cool, because this is it for you."

I just wanted to tell you: I have fallen, and not died.  I have felt stupid and looked dumb and not died of embarrassment, either, which is apparently impossible.  The pictures above are ones that Tim took after I missed some box jumps at CrossFit one morning.  I also had some nice bruises from mountain biking.  My legs are a nasty scarred and bruised mess now but, you know what?  They're getting stronger.  And they're getting faster.  And I'm having fun.

I want to encourage you to let go of your fears, too.  Don't worry, I haven't lost all sense of self-preservation.  You won't find me flying around in a squirrel suit any time soon.  But I promise if you lose those fears, especially those that revolve around comparing yourself to others, which is a big weakness of mine, you will surprise yourself with what you can actually do, whether it be physical, spiritual, emotional, whatever.  I only wish it hadn't taken me almost 28 years (ahhh!  turning 28 this month!) to figure it out, but maybe the timing was all part of it.

Keep me posted, I am inspired by so many of you!

The Kings visited!

I am playing a little blog catch-up.  The Kings came and visited us from Madison, WI in March.  We were really hoping to sell them on living in Albuquerque permanently, but the weather was against us from the beginning.  It was in the 80s in Madison the entire week and it started out cold and nasty and windy here.  Wind is pretty much the only thing I HATE about Albuquerque weather, and the Kings had to experience it in full force.  In spite of the unhelpful weather we had a great time with them.  They are expecting a baby boy in June and we are so excited for them.  Jess was totally a trooper about traveling 6 months pregnant.  It was so cute to watch Lily and their little girl, Olivia, together.  They are a month apart and hadn't seen each other since they were about 8 months old.  They played so well together.  Of course I had to get them matching dresses.  We were so happy to see our friends and reminisce about our fun times in Milwaukee.  Love those Kings!

March is not too late for Halloween

Remember that time I canceled Halloween?

The other day Lily asked me to help her get into her kitty costume, and once she was in it, she wanted Josie to get in her chicken costume. I was pretty surprised that Lily even remembered Josie's costume, and really excited that Lily wanted to engage Josie in what she was playing. Lately Lily's been prone to scratching Josie in the face and pushing her down when she's sitting up, then running away after she thwacks her poor little head on the floor. So I got the cuties suited up and pulled out the camera, just for Aunties Emily, Cami, and Wendy :).

I have had some less-than-awesome mom moments lately. Yesterday I was cutting up some food on Josie's highchair tray, which I thought had been cleaned from lunch. Then I saw this piece of dog hair and was like, "Huh, that's nasty, but I mean, sometimes these things happen..." Then it dawned on me that I had never actually wiped the tray down, but Dirk had helpfully licked it off for me. How nice. Have some dog saliva with your dinner, Josie, it'll put hair on your chest.

Then yesterday Lily peed on our bed, all over our down comforter. Dry clean only. Cool. Also I feel like all efforts I make to discipline that child are in vain. Scolding, time outs, even spankings are treated with cheerful indifference and usually, mocking. Ok, she's not really mocking me but it feels like she is. From conversations with other moms I have come to the conclusion that feeling inept is a big part of parenthood, and I'm not alone.

Pretty soon here I'm going to put my latent knowledge of behavioral theory to use and put Lily on a reward system. If anyone has any successful methods, do tell!

I'm glad I got pictures of this little piece of time in which Lily wanted to play dress up with Josie. They are both so impossibly cute right now. I love when, out of nowhere, Lily will look at me and say, "I luw you, Mom". I wish I could've captured the moment yesterday when I was feeding Josie lunch, and she gave this big burp, then looked at me and we both started cracking up. Or how can I describe how sweet it is when your kids are so happy to see you every time they wake up? The innocence and loyalty with which children love is a whole lesson in itself. Every night I ask God for help to do better the next day; to have more patience, show more love, play more. Every day I get these small reassurances that I'm doing okay in spite of all my imperfections.

Colorado

We took a quick weekend trip to Colorado last week and had a blast. We got to stay with my good friend Erin and her husband Nathan. I got to meet her sweet baby Aoife. Looooovvee her! We had so much fun with the Boones.





We also got to visit my stepmom's parents. I haven't gotten to see them in a while and it was so great to see them and show off our girlsies.



We even got to see our good friends from Milwaukee, the Rowans. We are very seriously recruiting/begging them to move out to Albuquerque after Matt finishes his anesthesiology residency in Denver.

I can't believe how grown-up Isabel is. I've known her since she was is utero, and now she's such a big, sweet, smart girl. Amazing.





Lily and Elliot had a fun time reuniting. They were born a week apart. I have fond memories of walking along the Menomonee River with Chelsea when we were both pregnant.