BREAKING NEWS: R. Kelly is functionally illiterate - R&B star reveals that he's unable to read, but still believes he can fly

The city of Chicago has been in the news cycle a lot lately. Not to be outdone, R&B singer/song writer/producer/ Grammy Award winner R. Kelly while speaking at the Midwest Music Festival in Chicago recently came out of a trapped closet and shared with the world that he is illiterate.

Yes, not only does R. Kelly believe he can fly; he’s also unable to read:

"When I was trying to make it out here, I already knew, and I was stubborn about it," he said. "I don't even read really and I'm not afraid to say that. My cousins and brothers used to tease me 'you can't even read right. How you think you're going to come up?' The only reason I graduated from grammar school is because I had a great jump shot. I went to high school and [my teacher] told me 'you will one of the greatest writers of all time.' I believed. You [have to] believe it. You can't believe [anything] if you're hating. You can't achieve [anything] if you're hating." [Source]

Wow, so that explains why he never checked the ID of the then 14yr old with whom he had sex on tape. Oops, my bad, that wasn’t him; I forgot. Dammit R. Kelly! It's bad enough that you're forty something years old wearing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle mask and cornrows, and now you tell us you can't read?!! Now I don’t know if what was said above was the centerpiece of the message to the kids. But I’m kinda concerned that he chose to tell them to stop “hating” or else they won’t get anywhere in life. I’m surprised he never gave them the “stay in school,” or “learn to read,” message? Nope, none of that; just believe you can fly and you will only if you don’t hate on anybody. Oh yeah, and it also helps if you have a good jump shot; can't forget that one. It's a wonder he didn't tell them to learn how to rap.

Somebody keep this fool away from kids.

Literacy in America is an often overlooked issue, and it is a major problem. Somehow, as damaged as R. Kelly's image has become. As much as I hate to say it, nobody sees his deficiency as a tragedy; he peed on a 14yr old for crying out loud! From this day forth, nobody will ever remember that he's unable to read. Instead, all we'll remember is that he should be in prison for statutory rape. Which is really sad when you think about it, because there are a lot of kids in Chicago and across the country unable to read, and who never will be; children who will never be as financially successful as the Pied Piper of R&B.

QUESTION: Is illiteracy and incurable disease or educational malpractice?

Your Baby Can Read: From the looks of the commercial, I don't think MY BABY could or will ever read

It’s Saturday, and my 2yr old daughter Ashley has been losing her mind all day. She’s a bit perturbed because in honor of International Children’s Day of Play, Nickelodeon has cut their programming. On all of their network channels there’s a message telling kids to go outside and play, or urging parents to take their kids out to play. Of course she’s 2yrs old and doesn’t understand. Shoot, we’re still trying to get her to understand that there’s nothing we can do when the rain knocks out our satellite service.

If only she was able to read what’s on the screen maybe she could understand. But of course you know Black 2yr olds aren’t able to read (nor will they ever be) according to those “My Baby Can Read” product commercials. Yeah, all the reading babies are White; no need for me to waste money on that product. Oh well, I guess I’ll take her to park once it looks like it isn’t gonna rain – something that it’s been doing all week. Yeah, forget the reading thing. Just as long as I can get her started early athletically, it should get her a leg up on the competition for an athletic scholarship; yeah, that’s the ticket.

Until this thing on Nickelodeon I haven’t given thought to the fact that kids don’t play outside anymore - my two oldest are 15 and 15 respectively. Which I guess would make this International Children’s Day of Play thing a good idea. I guess we can blame the problem of obesity and the inactivity of our kids to the rise in the number of pedophiles instead of the video game industry. I mean why take a chance on being abducted by some sicko at the park when you can be at home playing video games, right? I mean, who else better to entertain and raise our kids than television stations and video game makers, right?

When I was a kid, we didn’t need someone on TV to tell us to go outside and play. Usually it was the other way around. Usually it was an adult Nazi killjoy who saw to it that our childhood fun idea of playtime reduced to the arduous task of reading a book or some other form of torture. Oh well, maybe they’ll have an International Children’s Day of Reading. Of course you know since reading is “White Folks Shit”, us Black parents will have to figure something else out for ours. Oh well, Nickelodeon will be back on the air soon and all will be well in my house. Yep, Dora The Explorer and her sidekick red Timberland boots wearing monkey friend shall be my savior. My baby may never be able to read, but she'll be able to speak Spanish fluently.