Google Searches

I drew this for Toon Club's Favorite Cartoon Villains topic, but then I changed my mind because it looked too much like the screen cap I used for reference. I figured I'd post it on here anyway for the unfortunate people who Google "Headless Horse Man" and end up at my circus freak.

Through my site meter I'm able to track how people arrive at my blog. I'm amazed at what people are searching for... and amazed that it brings them here. These are some of my recent favorites:

• Are soft couches good?
• Zombie Cruise
• Where to buy Cheetos in Hamburg
• Chipmunks, how it eats
• When you are afraid of sharks, how you called that phobia
• What do cheetahs do?

I like how some people apparently ask Google questions instead of just searching key words. "Dear Google... what do cheetah's do?" A poorly worded search such as that can yield poor results full of inaccurate information. Next time try something simple like "cheetah behavior." But since you're already here: cheetahs sleep, sit, run, stand, walk, eat, lie down, breed, hunt, blink, yawn, and die.

And as long as I'm responding to Google searches... a couch is only as wonderful as it is soft. Zombie cruises are currently unavailable because zombies are more interested in inflicting property damage than they are in playing shuffleboard at sea. Twelve years ago you could get peanut butter and root beer at Karstadt in Hamburg... they might have Cheetos. "Chipmunks" is the plural form of "chipmunk." Therefore, it's impossible to answer how "it" eats because chipmunks are "they." Nice riddle, though. And Selachophobia is how I called when I am afraid of sharks.

Lorax & Google

This is the "Star-Bellied Lorax in the Hat" that I drew for Toon Club's Dr. Seuss topic. I originally wanted to create my own Seuss-ish creature and write a poem about it, using made-up words to bridge otherwise unrhymeable gaps, but I wasn't feeling very creative. Speaking of made-up words, how would you spell "unrhymeable" if it was a word? Not even a suggestion, spell check? I'd like to have a Lorax of my own, because it would be interesting to know what the trees are thinking.

I suppose it's time again to write about one of my favorite topics... dumb Google searches. Yeah, the gag's a little over-played on my blog, but there have been some classics recently:

• online sketches of lizards
• how do I make my widescreen movie fullscreen?
• do kangaroos have arms?
• a blue cheetah that is retarded and stupid and it could defend anyone against a polar bear
• how to you how draw a chipmunk?

Well, "How" to you too, Chief! Looking to add some chipmunk drawings to the outside of your teepee? Do they have stencils for that kind of thing maybe? I wish I could be of more help.

Online sketches of lizards? Do you really need to say the "online" part? Have you ever been referred by Google to a sketchbook someone's carrying around? And if you're not that specific you're going to have to track down the guy who drew the lizard yourself and ask to see it?

How do you make widescreen movies fullscreen? Let's see... sit really close... move plants and bookshelves to block the sides of your TV... wear horse blinders. Plenty of ways.

Do kangaroos have arms? Is your internet presented in Braille? Because if not, I'm not sure how you'll ever get your answer. Well, I guess there's the "ask ANYONE" option, because that's who would know if kangaroos have arms.

And lastly... who even knew you could do a Google search that long? A blue cheetah, huh? That could defend anyone against a polar bear? That seems to be asking a lot of an animal that's retarded AND stupid... especially a discolored jungle cat. (If you do that search, my blog is the number one result. Where have I gone wrong?)

S.T. Lewis Arch

Unlike the boastfully extravagant St. Louis Arch, which is 630 feet tall and a predictably boring 630 feet wide, the S.T. Lewis Arch stands a reasonable eight-feet tall and is roughly three manatees wide. No one likes a "show-off" arch, and I'm guessing that's why so many people Google "St. Lewis Arch" instead of Googling the more popular, similarly named "St. Louis Arch." It was those Google-using, spelling bee champions who inspired me to create my very own arch. But unlike the one in Missouri with its cold, stainless steel, my arch is made out of the animals I most like to draw... and a cardinal. You like that, St. Louis? Bring it.

If you're familiar with my blog, you know that I make fun of Google searches from time to time. Here are some recent Googlings I've enjoyed:

• How did cheetahs get endangered?
• How to bread chipmunks
• Sharks or pigs which tastes better when flying
• What does a boxing kangaroo stand for?
• Show me the ocean sharks and things

I love that last one. Google's a magic mirror now? I guess you could just search for "shark" and then click on "images," but where's the feeling of a royal decree in that? And you just want to see the ocean sharks? So no "non-ocean-going" sharks, then. I guess that's pretty specific. "Things," on the other hand... maybe a little vague. As for the rest of the list... cheetahs got endangered when lots of them died. To bread a chipmunk, dip it in milk and then roll it in flour and bread crumbs. Flying pigs don't exist, so based purely on that fundamental logic, I would guess that a flying shark is going to taste better. However, managing to get a taste of a shark while it's flying may prove to be difficult. Good luck with all that. And lastly, a boxing kangaroo stands for truth and justice... maybe some other stuff. It's hard to say because they don't speak, but I like to think they're not just boxing without a purpose.

My Obituary

Toon Club recently reached its 100th's topic: "You at 100." My drawing for the topic was inspired by a Google search that brought someone to my blog a while back... "What did Shane Lewis die from?" What? Is that information available online? I didn't dare search it myself because I didn't want to find something. I'd rather be surprised by my own demise. However, I thought I'd offer this obituary just in case future Googlers are similarly interested in predicting my death. Have you ever tried to write your own obituary? It's a fun little exercise to reduce your whole life to a single paragraph because it forces you to admit how little you've actually accomplished. I can't even play the harmonica... what a waste.

Here are some other Google searches I've enjoyed recently:

"Did they cancel the Chipmunks?" You know - I Googled this exact thing when I woke up from my twenty-year coma too, and believe me... you don't want to know. Just back away and save your tears for another day.

"I can not draw are there sketches of rabbits?" In a world this size, I imagine there must be at least a few sketches of rabbits I run slow.

"Who invented the battering ram?" I'm not sure they had patents at the time. It was probably a group of people with a log who reached a common understanding, and therefore it would be unfair to credit just one of them.

"American Gladiator medical student." Hey, look - you came up with something not even Google can find.

"What eats what?" Compiling a comprehensive list of what eats what would take far more time than I'm willing to dedicated to it... and would probably fill up the internet. One of the things I eat is blueberry muffins. There's a nice start.

"He don't have fear for sharks." Nor does he concern himself with grammar.

Australian Jug Band

I've already shared all the fake information my brain can hold concerning koalas, kangaroos, and jug bands, and I have nothing to say about dingoes, Australia, or Uluru (which is more commonly known as "Ayers Rock" to those of us with no hope of correctly pronouncing "Uluru"), so I don't have anything to say about this picture. Instead, let's just look at more Google searches that have brought people to my blog. These are all actual Google searches written by actual morons:

"Where did kangaroos come from T-rex." Unfortunately, T-Rex is too dead to answer your question, so I will in his stead. The answer is either "Australia" or "kangaroo mommies."

"Why do people say when pigs fly." Oh, no - this is awkward. She just doesn't want to go out with you, man... probably not ever.

"How to look like the headless horseman." Have no head and ride a horse.

"Are killer whales vegetarians?" Yeah, because killer whales were named by plants.

"Bears attack hope." Well it appears to be working, because reading that just filled me with more despair than I've ever known.

"Why tiger shark afraid of the Human Killer Whale." The Human Killer Whale? Oh, dear. Now I'm afraid of that too. I guess I can see where tiger shark is coming from.

"I think sharks are scary." Yeah, me too... but have you heard of the Human Killer Whale? Not even bears kill hope as quickly as that thing.

Flying Giraffe

As I sat down to draw this, I thought, "A flying giraffe... there's something new." It wasn't until after I'd drawn it, colored it, and given the sketch away to one of my Facebook fans that I started wondering just how original the concept of a flying giraffe was. I Googled it and found 1,260,000 other flying giraffes... so, not quite as original as I had hoped. At that point, I couldn't help but wonder how many non-flying giraffe images Google would find, so I did a second search for the simpler, more conventional "giraffe." That one yielded 2,430,000 images. So it turns out that only about one-in-three of the internet's giraffe population is capable of flight... which I'm pretty sure is the actual percentage you would find if you just went outside and looked around.

Hot Dog on a Stick

I considered several titles for this one. Lil' Smokie... based on the name of the delicious, bite-sized sausages I overate in college. American Dog... the title of one of Disney's upcoming animated films. And Well Done Little Dog... with the comma purposely omitted. But in the end I opted for Hot Dog on a Stick, because I admire restaurants that choose to exist only in mall food courts. No sell-out, street-side locations for that employee-humiliating hot dog chain.

On the topic of humiliating your employees... what's with the unfortunate hats? Luckily for us, I already looked into it. Based on the Hot Dog on a Stick website, "the uniform was inspired by a whimsical mid-1960's trend when jockey caps and hot pants were in style." This just in... jockey caps and hot pants were NEVER in style. The site also claims that "the employees say the hats make their jobs more fun." Is that what they say? Just when they thought deep-frying a corn dog couldn't get any jollier, along came the fun-inducing jockey caps?

So anyway, I went with Hot Dog a Stick for my title, because Crispy Terrier on a Flag Pole won't get as many Google hits. Or will it? I drew this for the Avalanche Art Blog. The topic was Dragons. I fear my wife is ashamed of me again... she tends to not approve of my barbecue-themed drawings.

It's Rainbowing Dogs

Dogs are smooth, colorful, and largely void of detail. If you believe that, you'll be amazed at the realism I was able to achieve in these drawings. If you don't believe that, I hope you can still enjoy a rainbow of quickly-drawn, even-more-quickly-colored, dog-like shapes.

I recently had a few laughs after seeing some of the phrases people are Googling to find their way to my blog. Here are some of my favorites from the last week:

• Angry chipmunk
• Horrifying prehistoric shark
• Street sweeper gun drawings
• Largest known beaver dam
• Snakes killing things video
• Kicked my crotch

Who's running these searches? And they're being directed to me? What have I done? Listen - if you're unsure whether or not you've been kicked in the crotch... don't Google it. Just wait a second... you'll know.