Cheap wisecracks

It was so cold that frozen helicopters fell from the skies...

Two cowboys bragging:
1: I have a fastest hand in the West.
2: Well, all in all, I prefer women...

Husband: I don't know whether what they say about blondes is true, but yesterday morning my wife bleached her hair. That same day's evening she started with a scandal after finding some dark hair in our bed...

New criteria for obesity: she was so fat that 32 GB phone memory was sufficient only for one third of her photograph.

During the European biathlon championship German team accidentally conquered France. 

80 years old - unwashed for 60 years. What is the big deal?

Tehran Times have the scoop:

Amou Haji, aged 80, who lives in Dejgah village in the southern Iranian province of Fars has not bathed for 60 years.

I really don't know what to say. On one hand, it debunks once again the exaggerated stories doctors tell about importance of the hygiene.

On the other: every reasonable man knows that after the first two or three weeks it doesn't make no nevermind. So there...

Cheap wisecracks on the war of genders

Alan Markovitz buys a house next door to his ex-wife... and installs a giant middle finger statue facing her property pic.twitter.com/aXV9DZOek1
— Chusid (@FrimShtiper) November 17, 2013

There is some additional info on the male protagonist here:

According to reports, Markovitz owns three strip clubs in Detroit and is working on developing a TV reality series for Cinemax based on his businesses.

Oh Alan, Alan. With all that might, you are still not a mensch enough. You should have erected that monument inside your ex's property, man!

To San Francisco now*:

A San Francisco nudism activist was arrested at a rally she organized to protest her previous conviction for violating the city's public nudity ban.

Of course, the keyword "nudism" triggers all the right moves here, and I have surfed to get to the bottom (so to say) of that case, and here it is. I am not going to bother re-posting the visual aid here. But one thing should be made clear: these bloggers are convinced that full nudity should be judged case by case, and in this case we have to say no. So there.

A special opinion from Ms N: that cop on the right, though, is not half bad...

When I see an article starts with words "... researchers", I shudder with foreboding. Will it be another case of calculating carbon footprint of a cat or a dog? That one didn't add a lot to the body of human knowledge too, it seems:

British researchers have pinpointed several reasons why boys are the weaker sex.

Ha! I have been married for... no matter, but all these years I have been drumming that same drum, without the benefit of consulting the Brits. Of course, we, the males, are more fragile, sensitive and need a lot of attention just to survive. And meat and potatoes and beer and single malt and... well, you know the drill.

However, the eggheads added a new angle:

The study, published in the journal Pediatric Research, found boys are 14 percent more likely to be born preterm than girls.

That I completely fail to begin to understand. What is the rush? The only environment that is completely friendly to the inhabitant, and the male babies are in a hurry to leave it? For crying out loud. Someone must do something about it. Someone must warn my fellow men that nothing good awaits them outside.

(*) I fully realize that looking for quirks in San Francisco is like shooting fish in a fishmonger's. Besides, the SFO local wouldn't dig this anyhow. So - apologies all around.

Fifty Shades of Grey and one oops

Now you are telling me it's not a manual for Photoshop users?

More cheap wisecracks for your weekend

An Iranian who was hanged for drug dealing miraculously survived the gallows. Now he will be hanged again, there is no get out of jail clause for unsuccessfully hung.

"Carrying out a second execution on a man who somehow managed to survive 12 minutes of hanging -- who was certified as dead and whose body was about to be turned over to his family -- is simply ghastly. It betrays a basic lack of humanity that sadly underpins much of Iran's justice system," said Luther [Amnesty International].

My only hope for the man is that with time he will get used to all these hangings.

Another bizarre story from CNN:

Two teen girls were detained Thursday at a Victoria's Secret store in Manhattan after possible human remains were found in one of their bags, an NYPD spokesman told CNN.According to Jones, while initial reports indicate the remains are a fetus, the medical examiner's office is investigating.

Some people dare to rummage in a girl's Victoria's Secret's bag? Nothing is sacred anymore... Anyway, the case gives a totally new meaning to "shop till you drop".

Now to various aviation-related mishaps. First about a pervert:

A federal air marshal was arrested Thursday morning at Nashville International Airport after being caught taking multiple upskirt pictures of female passengers boarding a plane, police said.

I believe that worst they can accuse the man of is being overzealous: it is simply that the famous X-ray screening machine was on the fritz that day...

Let's move to... oops, more perverts:

A former vintner and a salon technician were each fined $250 for allegedly engaging in oral sex in front of other passengers on a commercial Allegiant Air flight from Medford, Oregon, to Las Vegas.

I would suggest that some of the other passengers - the ones that didn't complain or break up the tryst - should pony up for that fine. Besides, that air marshal from the previous story may have caused the lady to throw her modesty out the window... Oh, and the male participant of that show says:

I will learn from this and move on to the next chapter in my life.

I only hope that the next chapter doesn't include any hot air balloon flights.

And from aviation perverts to geese and their highly negative impact on civil and other aviation. First of all, for full disclosure - I am biased against the critters. I have spent a few years in a place where said Canadian wild geese covered every square centimeter (only it was measured in square inches there) by poop, strolled around the place like they owned it and one couldn't as much as aim an unfriendly blink in their general direction, for fear of being slaughtered by tree-huggers.

And here I read that the Agriculture Department, bless their federal hearts, does some sterling work in that regard:

The agency says that every year approximately 25,000 Canada geese have been cornered into cages, carted off and slaughtered. Local governments have also enhanced land management in and around airports to reduce the presence of certain species.

One small question re that statement: why is that there is never wild goose meat in the supermarkets in US? I asked and checked, and only small specialty places carry it. Could it be that the stuff goes to the airlines as a small repayment for mental anguish and technical damages? Only to end up later as mystery meat in passengers' sandwiches ($7, soft drink and chips not included)?

iPhone or iSwim? iOS7 as an answer to waterproofing your iPhone

I hope you are not one of the unfortunate victims of this brilliant practical joke:

A hoax advert shared on social networking sites has tricked iPhone users into thinking the latest software upgrade had also made their phones waterproof.

The hoax claimed that iOS 7 included a "smart-switch" that automatically protected the iPhone's "delicate circuitry ... it will shut off the phone's power supply and corresponding components to prevent any damage".

Fooled by the fake advert, which included the statement "waterproofing covered by Apple's warranty policy", some users reportedly upgraded their iPhones with iOS 7 and dunked them in water to test the new feature – only to discover they had just destroyed their expensive smartphones.

Because if you are, you might have as well used the appliance pictured above for the first swimming test.

Sorry for being so jubilant on your account, dear iUsers. After all, if you have submerged your iPhone, as prescribed by that hoax, you have only displayed your faith in the high and mighty manufacturer of your phone. And some other qualities I prefer not to dwell upon...

Of course it was a hoax, because iOS is, like, totally unable to do the waterproofing. This is why we, Android users, are waiting for Android 4.5 that really does resolve the issue. You will eat your hearts out!

One other thing: that fairly innocent practical joke seems to have especially incensed the Kiwis. Techday, a New Zealand publication, published an extremely angry report, titled OK whoever said iOS 7 is waterproof GO **** YOURSELF. Apparently percentage of iPhone owners that followed the recommendation of that hoax ad was especially high there. Well, NZ is so far away from everywhere, it takes them some time to get the joke...

P.S. I especially liked the response of one Kiwi to that article:

With iOS7 you don't need to make your device waterproof, because it lets you walk on water - true fact.

Indeed.

You can take a car to the runway, but you can't make it fly

Even Apple, having your best interests in mind, can't help more in such an endeavor.

Pacu fish - now in France too?

First the "ball-cutter" fish was discovered in US: Iowa and Illinois. Then the Sweden's turn came.

And now Pacu is seen to be making home in that Moveable Feast of the city, Paris.

The French capital is reeling from the news that a Parisian fisherman found the testicle-munching fish with eerily human teeth at the end of his line late last week. River police soon confirmed it was none other than the pacu, a cousin of the piranha.

Since pacu seems to be getting everywhere, the scientists have decided to become more explicit in their warnings:

The pace is not normally dangerous to people but it has quite a serious bite. There have been incidents in other countries, such as Papua New Guinea where some men have had their testicles bitten off.

And them eggheads certainly have a way with words:

"They bite because they're hungry, and testicles sit nicely in their mouth," he explained. "And its mouth is not so big, so of course it normally eats nuts, fruit, and small fish, but human testicles are just a natural target," he added.

Well, dunno about you, but I am done with lakes and rivers. Jacuzzi and bath are out too, and I would check the shower stall carefully before entering, if I where you.

And, in related political news: the fate of the French socialist president is at stake, because of a particularly inane facial expression:

They call it a smile, to me it looks like a rictus, caused by something extremely painful. Could it possibly be because one of them pacu fishes got him under the table?

You tell me.

A better way to offend Vegans

I was reading this titillating piece in BuzzFeed with a measure of admiration. Since I just love joshing my Vegan friends, the story told was certainly instructive. After a few disgusted and angry Vegans pounced on the Senator Claire McCaskill's Tweeter account, she answered, totally convincing and calm, in my opinion:

Goodness gracious. So sorry I offended so many vegans. In Missouri we raise pigs and cattle and chickens to eat them.
— Claire McCaskill (@clairecmc) September 1, 2013

I would consider the story closed and store some elements of it for future use, but one of the offending pictures (probably the most offending one) caught my attention:

So the question I wanted to address to the Vegan friends is: that apple, what do you think it is? My guess will be Cox's Orange Pippin. And yours?

When bying coffee mugs...

buy Japanese one. Here is why.

New Alien-like Species Discovered Off Coast Of California?

Them scientists should really get out more and get a life:

Because if this is what they consider to be a strange and alien life form, they surely miss a lot of what is going on in California.

Alpine skiing no more, say Russian lawmakers

The deputies of the State Duma of the United Russia  are planning  to prohibit alpine skiing as an Olympic sport for the Olympics in Sochi. According to them, the international symbol of this sport violates two laws of the Russian Federation at once: the law on propaganda of homosexuality and the law on insulting the feelings of believers*.

(*) The two laws do exist indeed, otherwise...

Hat tip: S.S.

To my potential yoga teacher

There are some amazing feats yoga teachers demand of their patients trainees. Like that one:

Er... I would prefer that my anus, as such, wouldn't do that.
If it is all the same to you.
On the hole...

New North Korean missiles - sugar coated in Cuba

It must be a blast. And, since brown sugar was used for coating, a healthy one too.

Snake bites man's penis - only in Israel (?)

The headline above (only the part "Snake bites man's penis") was borrowed directly from the source: Israeli Ynet. Other, less uncouth media outfits choose to dress it up a bit, like UPI with its Snakes in a restroom send Israeli man to hospital. Which is very vague and imprecise: how many snakes? How exactly did they "send Israeli man" etc. No matter what you say, sometimes I prefer the uncouth directness.

The story as it's told by the Ynet is simple:

After going to restroom to relieve himself, man reports 'burning sensation on penis' as result of a small snake which slithered out of toilet, bit him in sensitive area. Snake reportedly not venomous, man feeling well.

Why would a snake behave in this belligerent manner? One has to dig deeper, but with our Elder's training it was a snap. Here it goes:

One of the paramedics said that the man claimed to have seen the snake before it slithered down the toilet, and according to him the snake was very small.

Now such attitude surely made the snake mad. And it resulted in an action which could be only described as natural in the circumstances.

Case closed.

Man rapes duck in Turkish village

This is the most read and tweeted about news in the today's Hurryet. On our (the Elders') side, we can only notice the suspicious lack of response from the Erdogan's office.

A detail that slightly alleviates the seriousness of the situation:

It [the duck] is now reportedly in good condition and remains in a veterinarian care.

We hope that the offender, whoever it may appear to be, will do the honorable thing now and marry the victim of his urges.

P.S. And unpublished detail from the police investigation of the evildoer: the pious man blames the duck for enticing him into the act by walking uncovered, also wobbling and quacking suggestively.

Suicide prevention for iPhone users

I am not and have never been an iPhone user. So the only thing I can do is ask iPhone owners: is it really that bad?

Details.

They don't make the Ferrari the way they used to anymore

"...the photographer's injuries were not life-threatening."

Details.

A few cheap wisecracks inspired by headlines

Taliban denies beheading children

The Taliban denied any involvement in the beheadings, according to spokesman Qari Yousuf Ahmadi. He said Taliban fighters would never do such a thing, but said the group's civilian casualty commission would investigate.

Yes, the kids just stepped too close to a person waving a hatchet... And have you noticed this "group's civilian casualty commission"? I bet they are members of UNHRC by now.

Bin Laden’s Son-in-Law Wants to Keep His Jewish LawyerAnd:

The Jewish judge in the case is trying to dissuade him

He may as well come over to Tel Aviv. Our judges are well known for their leniency. And don't forget the climate too.

Venezuela says it foiled plot to assassinate President Maduro

Whatever lessons Mr Maduro learned from his illustrious predecessor, this is the one he apparently learned well: get almost assassinated as frequently as possible and blame Mercans for the dastardly deed. It pays off in the long run, it seems.

The tale of Navenna Shine, a super-vegan

Thursday marked Shine’s 33rd day without food, although she has lost more than 20 pounds.

And:

She also hopes to begin live-streaming her experience within the next few weeks.

I wish her well, although I'm afraid the live-streaming will not be necessary for that long.

But at least she wouldn't have to apologize to the vegetables before eating them anymore.