Coming out of the haze

Gosh, sorry. I don't remember writing that last post. If I had remembered it, I'd have done an update on it sooner, in case people were worrying about me. THANK YOU ALL for all your loving support and messages.....

I don't remember much of last week, apart from Friday.

I went to my GP Thursday morning. It was an appointment booked in advance to ask for a cholesterol test (mine's always high; whole family's is high, so have a check every 18 months or so...) ANYWAY I got in there and I burst into tears, and I remember telling her about hallucinating rabbits and being so desperately low, but I don't think it was a very long appointment. Or maybe it was, but to me it seemed like 5 minutes. It just flew by.

She gave me a form for a blood test. Hmmm. They are usually green. This was white and in small writing it said something about 'psychotropic elements' -wha?? Does she think I'm high? I mean high from illegal stuff and s**t??

Outside, I fell over. Searing pain through my right ankle. I heard people behind me saying something - it was pre 9am so still the 'school run'. I actually remember thinking, "Is anyone going to help me down here?" (!!!) A woman came and asked if I was OK, took my arm, but I said I was ok, thanks, I thanked her over and over.

Don't recall getting home. Don't remember the rest of Thursday at all, except taking a razor to my left forearm and, being surprised by how much blood came out, covering it up with a large white dressing.

Friday- I tried to get out of bed and AAAAAAAARGH! I looked down and saw that my right ankle was twice the width of my left one. Luvbug drove me to A & E. I had my blood test whilst there. An X-Ray said all ok, just a sprain. So I have an elasticky thing on it. My arm was in a bad way. I told them it was all part of falling in gravel. They cleaned it up and redressed it. Today I've just put a new one on.

No driving till I can 'hop on the bad foot 20 times' and no cycling. Actually, I quit my driving lessons last Monday. Just the start of a bad week......

I'm meant to be sitting with my foot 'higher than my bum' and then draw the alphabet with my toes. But I'm afraid I'm not being a very good patient as habitual seating positions are just too hard to give up ;)



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A smile:- Scooter has again taken to sleeping upstairs on our bed. He comes in all meows & chortles, and snuggles in between us, sometimes under the duvet, in which case he leans on me. The other night he came in soaking wet form the rain and gained access to the bed via a climb over Luvbug's neck LOL

Floor level.

Broke down today.
Lots of tears. You know, the can't-go-on type.
Had an appointment with the Art Therapist.
I'd had to cancel last week's and the week before's because I just couldn't get away, couldn't leave mum on her own.
Today was easier; she wasn't too bad today.

At the session, it all bubbled to the surface, and how, yesterday, for the first time, I felt I couldn't go on.

But if I killed myself, I thought, what would mum do then? Or the cats....

Luvbug, I figured, in the twisted, mirror-think of suicidal thought, he would be ok, he's strong, he could sell up and head to Ireland and his family........ and then yesterday on the news there was a story about a young family found dead in their home. Suicide was mentioned, but not official yet. How could he have taken his wife and children with him, people asked. And I knew how. I knew how, I knew why.

Then I knew I had hit the floor and needed help.

An odd experience

Taken in Brockenhurst, the New Forest, April this year.

I've been doing "rapid cycling".
No, this doesn't mean I'm entering the Tour De France.
It means I had a seriously low low patch 2 weeks ago, which lasted about 5 days, then straight up into a height of energy and creativity, and now I'm levelling out....

I've never known such a fast turnaround. And I had got so low it surprised me- no matter how many years of it, you always forget what it feels like down there. Then the big burst of energy and creativity...

I'm going to record here what this was like, because I shall forget! Whenever someone mentions bi-polar, the impression is that, hey, if you're going to get depression, this is the type to get, cos at least you get the "up" side. Hmmm....


OK. It's easy to imagine the low part of the roller-coaster being bad. Everyone has off-days, so everyone can imagine bad ones. This time around I sank into a place where I had to cut my own forearm with my sharpest nails, so as to feel something. ANYTHING. Anything other than deadness and fog. It all seems perfectly logical from the inside at the time. When I realised what I was doing I showed my partner- not attention seeking- I showed him so that I'd stop. Self-harmers hide their wounds. I know that. So the first thing to do was to show him. Then I bit off the offending nails(!)

My head felt like it was in a brace, being pulled tighter and tighter. I couldn't handle anything. I just wanted to scream. The best thing was when I went to bed with only a low light and pulled the covers over me. Rest your head.... rest your head.... stay for hours, quiet, safe.

So that was the low. But how could an "Up" possibly be unenjoyable?


OK. When I was in my teens I had a (insert swearword here)boyfriend who was so tight, when he drove down hills he would turn off the engine to save fuel.
Imagine this on a grander scale. You are in a roller coaster, you are in the car at the front. The train has come off the rails and you are riding through the air at top speed with everyone screaming in your ears, faster faster faster.

If you relax you might enjoy the ride, but it's scary, isn't it? NO CONTROL. That's the point. On and on. Not knowing when it will stop.

You have 36 hours straight, no sleep, tons of energy. Then you might sleep for 4, maybe 5 hours, and then you're off again. You feel like a kid who wants to go and knock on everyone's door and shout "COME ON! COME OUT TO PLAY!". Your heartbeat is racing and you are ALWAYS aware of it. You can feel it. Even when you do try to sleep, because your body aches and you feel sick and dizzy, you can't- your heartbeat feels like a butterfly in your chest, and your head is full of ideas, tumbling over and over like multi-coloured socks in a tumble-dryer. All you can do is lie awake and watch them.

I got a lot done in my spurt of energy. But I'm glad to be levelling out again. Now I feel more like me.

The p-doc recommended a "mood stabilizer" drug. I refused lithium. But she suggested carbamazepine or sodium valproate.

Look them up! The main, most common side effects are weight gain, acne and nausea. Great! What is the point of giving someone with depression something that will make them a fat, spotty muldoon? Especially as I am already overweight and partial to the occasional spottiness.

So I've ruled them out. Till next time. Already the memory of it is fading. You can remember words and actions, even intentions and thoughts. But you can't accurately recall pain. Good thing too, really.