Review: The Ritual

Netflix has been spending millions on original content for a while now, eager to become an entertainment destination unto themselves and not just a place for binge-watching old sitcoms. There have been massive successes (Stranger Things), and some obvious failures (anything Adam Sandler gave them). But when they pick up a low-budget horror flick from a newbie director featuring no big stars and a story steeped in Norse mythology, it's reasonable to assume it's a movie one should skip. This is one of those situations where it feels so good to be wrong. Let's get lost in The Ritual.

This tagline was changed before release, following the tragic shooting in the city of Las Vegas.

The story centers on Luke (Rafe Spall), an emotionally disabled man who's reeling with guilt from an incident 6 months prior. While his friend Rob met his death in a liquor store at the hands of a minor perp, Luke cowered behind a shelving unit, clutching a bottle of vodka like a security blanket. As a tribute to their fallen friend, Luke and the rest of the gang -Phil, Hutch, and Dom- are hiking through the wilds of Scandinavia, something Rob had always wanted to do. No one is talking about what Luke did (or rather, didn't do) in the liquor store when Rob was killed, but it's on their minds.

When Dom experiences an injury that drastically slows him and the group down, it's suggested they cut the trip in half by traveling as the crow flies and taking a shortcut directly through the forest. What begins as an adventure in brotherly hiking quickly turns into a creepfest, as the men encounter pagan cabins, stunningly realistic nightmares, and a predator unlike anything they've ever seen in front of or behind their eyes. And all the while, old regrets keep bubbling to the surface, like bad booze...

The Ritual is one of those films that will either delight or exhaust you depending on how many horror films you've seen. What I mean to say is, it's not a particularly original plot, and the individual story beats will be pretty recognizable too. There's echoes of The Blair Witch Project, The Descent, The Hills Have Eyes, even Jaws. But the movie does everything so well, and so confidently, I just didn't care. Director David Bruckner does a wonderful job with his first feature-length, knowing just how long to hold the camera, when to let the actors do the heavy lifting, when to show the monster in full.

Oh yes, there is a monster. If you have better than average knowledge of Norse mythology, you may be able to see where the story is going by the halfway point, but that doesn't spoil the incredible reveal. The general consensus online is that The Ritual's big bad boasts the best creature design in years if not decades, and I have to agree. A truly original beastie, with a clever mix of practical and CGI effects, you'll be hard-pressed to get it out of your mind. I'm not going to share it here, you have to see it for yourself.

Your mileage on the human antagonists may vary, as they definitely repeat a lot of what's come before, with less verve and imagination than the woods and the creature. Still, the discovery Luke makes in the attic is a highlight of the film. The best thing about the script is how smartly it deployed comedy. The Ritual is not a funny movie and isn't meant to be, but that just makes the two or three humorous moments land that much harder. One unexpected act of violence near the finale made me do an actual spit-take. Everyone in the cast does a fine job, straddling the line between unlikable and sympathetic with aplomb. Probably best known to Yanks as one of the 2 Andys from Hot Fuzz, Spall does a fantastic job as a leading man, and a dramatic one no less. 

Like all good movies, it's about something more, and something deeper, than just the surface narrative of a group of men getting lost in the woods and dying. The Ritual digs into things that guys have trouble articulating, even when they want to: guilt, regret, what they need to do to achieve or even feel redemption, forgiveness. Bruckner mentioned in an interview that men have much more difficulty than women not just making new friends as they get older, but maintaining the relationships they have. No one is sure EXACTLY why that is, but the specter of hurt is there on the actors' faces, and it's a large part of the story. It's not lost on me that I'm not much younger than the characters as I write this, and have dealt with this problem. A sobering tale once you dig into the themes.

All said and done, The Ritual is the first A on horror's report card for 2018, and if you're a fan of The Wicker Man crossed with the worst road trip imaginable and just a pinch of Lovecraft, you'll dig it.

The Ritual is streaming exclusively on Netflix.

The Pumpkin Song Must Be Preserved

As Mischief Night draws to a close and Halloween 2017 gears up, I find myself doing what I always do this time of year: scrambling to finish my annual watchlist before midnight tomorrow.

"Hurry up, hurry up! We've got 32 hours of horror movies to watch and only 27 hours to do it!"

We're building up to Halloween! (Literally.)

It's the second day of Halloween (only boring people call it October). I'm sure you're all lining up trips to the pumpkin patch, the drive-in theater, or maybe some Monster mini-golfing. Perhaps you're staying in with hot cider and pumpkin spice donuts. Whatever you're doing, just make sure it's fun, autumnal, and a wee bit spooky.

Today, my brother and I got into the spirit by collaborating on one of my favorite things: LEGO! After deciding on a movie to watch (My Name Is Bruce, if you cared to know), we got to work putting together the Scooby-Doo Mystery Mansion set. It was a fun build, with lots of bats, pumpkins, traps, and hidden treasure. And of course, some creepy old guys in spooky masks trying to stop the meddling kids.

Have a look at our process through the magic of time lapse photography, and if you like what you see here, be sure to like the video and subscribe to the Drive-in's Youtube channel! This is our first legitimate video with original content, and we hope to bring you more soon!

Enter If You Da... Um, No One's In Line

I'm not old enough to remember when movie houses and drive-in theaters hosted live spook shows, but the ephemera of the era is fascinating. Tattered posters, cheesy trailers, and cheap giveaway items all paint the picture of a magical world, one where maybe, just maybe, a monster really could escape the screen and capture a girl from the audience.

No One Is Eating My Brother!

I've loved Halloween since my diaper days, and it's a safe bet that most of us remember the thrill of buying/making our obviously awesome costumes, going door to door trick-or-treating, eating our body weight in candy, and getting just a little freaked out by the decorations that people put up all over the neighborhood. (To those of you whose family didn't celebrate Halloween: I am so, SO sorry.)

Unfortunately, as the years go by costumes tend to give way to fashion, candy is replaced by booze, and trick-or-treating is no longer a viable option for us anymore. Now personally, I will dress up and eat candy until I'm dead, but there are a few parts of the Halloween experience that have to be heaped onto the nostalgia pile. Thankfully, the game developer Double Fine has come up with a great way for us to relive them: Costume Quest.

Review: Best Worst Movie

Every human being on earth has unique motivations and goals, but it's safe to say that no one grows up wanting to be a failure. Any project we take on, we generally have a desire to succeed and be recognized for our achievement. No one TRIES to create something terrible. So when something terrible is created, the question is always asked: why? Why did this happen? Whose fault is it? And perhaps most importantly, was it all a waste of time?

The Haunted Forest: My First Walk-Through Horror Attraction

It's Real Live Horror week here at the Drive-In!  Earlier in the week, Rabbi went into the history of the spook house and talked about his own personal experience with Scaremare at Liberty University.  He also put the spotlight on a little website where spooks can find a way to spend their eternity with the love of their after lives.  For my part, I'd like to tell a personal story of the first time I ever went through a walk-through horror attraction.  It involves a group you may have heard of but never knew they did things like this:  the Boy Scouts.

When I was younger, I was part of a Boy Scout troop here in Miami.  It was one of the most miserable experiences of my life.  I hated camping and the outdoors.  I was only part of the group because my cousin and, at the time, best friend was a part of it.  I stayed in the Scouts for a while, though.  I'm almost thankful that I did because, without the Scouts, I never would have experienced the Haunted Forest.

Every year around Halloween, the various troops around the South Florida area would get together in one place for one purpose:  Scare the bejeezus out of people.  The setting for this haunted trail was a section of a large campground whose name I've long since forgotten.  Each troop that showed up got to dress up an area in any way they pleased:  a cemetery, a mad doctor's laboratory, the site of a werewolf attack.  Anything the troop could cook up was fair game.  The more troops that joined in, the longer the trail became.

The first and only time I visited this once-a-year attraction, I visited as a spectator.  At 11, I was too young to help out behind the scenes, but I was just the right age to walk on through.  I was excited about the event, but terrified too.  On the drive through the campground, I was so scared that I thought I could see ghosts in the trees. 

I don't remember much about the Haunted Forest now.  Eleven years is a long time and my memory isn't the best anyway.  But I do remember one thing pretty clearly:  I was scared out of my mind.  As a kid that age, I just couldn't differentiate the fake from reality.  I didn't care that the blood and guts were rubber and ketchup,  I thought the zombies were really going to eat me.  It may have been some teen in a mask, but that plastic machete looked 100% real to me.  My fear made every shadow darker and every monster scarier.  And you wanna know something?  I had a blast.  Don't get me wrong, at the time, after the walk-through, I cried like a baby.  But looking back now, I wouldn't have traded that experience for anything.  As we say around these parts, isn't it fun to be a little scared sometimes?

As a man of 22, I freely admit that I'm still scared of haunted house trails to this day.  While the concept of Halloween Horror Nights fascinates me, I have no doubt that I'd need about 15 pairs of pants to change into throughout the night.  Whatever else the Haunted Forest was, it was still frightening and it embedded deep within me a fear of those kinds of attractions.  Still, I'm a guy who believes fears were made to be faced.  Maybe next year I'll have to build my courage and head for a few new haunts.

Countdown to Halloween 2013: Real Live Horror!

A welcome to our regulars and a special growl of appreciation to all you creepy kids who've made your way here from Countdown to Halloween 2013! I hope you enjoy your time at The Haunted Drive-in, and come back and visit us often. We would love to discuss horror and science fiction of all kinds with you until the sun rises and the projector fades.

We don't plan on posting every single day, simply because Daffy and I are very busy folks, and we want the Drive-in to be a labor of love, not just labor. We do plan on adding new material often though, so please add us to your blogroll, follow us on Twitter and Tumblr, like us on Facebook, and above all else, comment! We love getting feedback and hearing suggestions.

So, to keep our focus during the countdown (and not just write about every single thing we love about Halloween), my writing partner and I have decided to give each week of October a theme for us to work with. This first week we've decided to focus on one of the oldest and most enjoyable of Halloween traditions, the walk-through haunted house attraction.

"Dear God! That guy over there... he isn't wearing ANY hair gel!"

Review: The House At The End Of The Street

PG-13 horror doesn't have to be bad. Just because it's going to feature measurably less gore, profanity, and nudity than the average fright flick doesn't always equal out to a crappy quality experience. Indeed, sometimes it can mean a film that focuses on the more important aspects of the story, The Woman In Black being one example. Of course, that's an exception, and there are only exceptions because there's a rule, right? The House At The End Of The Street is a movie that follows the rules of PG-13 horror religiously. That's the problem. 

Dead Man's Boogie

Horror music is a tricky beast. Ironically, much like Christian music it is judged whether or not it belongs under the genre umbrella by its lyrical content and presentation, rather than the style of music it actually employs. A band could be shredding on electric guitars or using an accordion and ukulele, but they're both potentially horror music.

Man, I am SO sick of the bubblegum pop scene.

When You Wish Upon A Star... YOU DIE!

I've been a fan of Disney since I was but a wee lad. Their classic animated features, the incredible TV programming of the 80s and 90s, and the world-famous theme parks are some of my favorite things. I've visited the resort in Florida over 30 times. That doesn't mean I think they always get everything right though. Like any other giant corporation, the House of Mouse can occasionally get on my nerves with their decisions, and it's nice to see the company as a whole taken down a peg. 

Never forgive. Never forget.

Preview: Robocop (2014)

Remakes, as a rule, are usually terrible. You'd think that if they at least kept the elements that made the original entertaining, the update would be fun, if a little superfluous. But most remakes/reboots/re-imaginings have no love for the source material, and so end up being unwatchable exercises in boredom (see A Nightmare On Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Halloween, etcetera).

Now we're about to be handed a shiny new take on Robocop. The first film in the franchise is perhaps the most exciting, ridiculous, and all-around 1980s-est science fiction flick ever made, so a remake had better work pretty freaking hard to not piss off the fans. And the trailer looks... um, it looks surprisingly good.

Seriously, take a moment to consider everything that trailer just promised: Alex J. Murphy, visual nods to the original, an interesting free will vs. (literal) machinations discussion, and a cast that includes Samuel L. Jackson, Gary Oldman, and Michael "I'm 1980s Batman" Keaton! Yes, the black suit is a little silly, but I can understand them wanting to establish their own look for a new movie. It shows that they have their own stylistic choices to make. And it'll allow them to sell more than one action figure. Still, I am cautiously optimistic about this remake, and that is NOT something I usually say when it comes to beloved horror and sci-fi franchises.

Robocop has been back in the spotlight lately, with his Detroit commemorative statue nearing completion and the announcement of this film. Hopefully the cast and crew will deliver a solid flick that can stand on its own two metallic feet and bring us a great new franchise, and if not, well, I'm never far from my DVD copy of the original.

Five bucks says that ED-209 still can't handle the stairs.

Cynics Will Kill Us All!

OK, so the title of this post might be a bit melodramatic. But I have a point I'm building towards, I swear, so just go with it.

When we're young, very young, we don't really care what the crowd is into. We like the music we like, we watch the movies we watch, and we don't make excuses for it. Our thing is our thing, man. This went double for the monster kids before horror became mainstream. You couldn't explain to your parents or disinterested friends why you enjoy vampires and ghosts and zombies so much, but you didn't feel a need to either. You bought the new Misfits CD without a qualm. You went to the slasher flick that got poor reviews and appreciated the creative kills despite the shoddy direction. You spent $100 on a Dracula model kit and you were HAPPY!

Worth it.

Review: The ABCs of Death

I am not a world-famous writer (yet), so I don't often get the chance to review movies when they're fresh. I usually have to wait around for the better part of a year until they land on Netflix or in Redbox so I can weigh in. Hopefully in the future my reviews will be more timely, but in the meantime, I'll be as entertaining and relevant as I can. So I'll begin with this: mother pusbucket, this movie was rough.

The poster was the most coherent bit.

Run n' Gun... Nope, Just Run

Hi everyone. I know it's been... two years, since we talked. It's ok, you can blame it on me. I'm not pointing fingers at anyone. Except you. Yeah, you. The guy in the Suspiria shirt. You think you're so much better than the rest of us because you watch old-school Italian horror and nothing else? Big bloody deal...

I recently completed Amnesia: The Dark Descent, a PC-only horror title released by Frictional Games. While it's been out for a couple of years (in fact, the sequel drops next month, but more about that in a minute), I only got the chance to play it this summer. Many gamers and horror fans alike were praising its creepy environments, haunting music, and Lovecraftian story nods, so I waited until it went on sale and jumped right in.

Now I can't sleep. 

When it comes to video games, horror protagonists aren't the victimized targets you usually come across in most movies and TV shows. No, our pixelated heroes are armed to the teeth from the start, making most of the "terror" rather anti-climactic. Sure, they may work in a decent jump scare or two, but the sense of dread doesn't last when I can just unload every machine gun round I have into the guy's/monster's/demon's face. This is the way of things because a game, any game, has to have a sense of fun and control for the player (not to mention many of them are "watered down" for the snot-nosed brats who con their folks into buying Mature-rated games). Most developers want to ensure an enjoyable and exciting experience for each person who picks up the controller, so gameplay can often surge ahead of story and/or any chance of lasting fright.

Not pictured: fear.

Scary Flicks Scaring Kids

Little kids are always being underestimated, especially when it comes to horror. Quality movies for all ages that could legitimately be called horror films are more elusive than unicorns. Like I've said before, it's occasionally because simple-minded adults believe that children have enough fears and suffering to deal with, but in the case of movies, it's mostly because "all-ages horror" translates into "crap" 99% of the time. Are there any scary movies the whole family can enjoy? That's a rhetorical question, don't shout the answer at your screen.

Are We In The Middle Of A Horror Drought?

The first decade of the 21st century has been many things to many people, but a wellspring of horror films it is most certainly not. We've gotten some solid zombie flicks, no question, and television is bubbling over with monsters of all kinds. In the cinematic world though, our ghouls and ghosts are largely passed over. All we've really gotten for awhile is remakes, watered-down PG-13 fluff, and torture porn. Ugh.

Of course, I'm exaggerating to make a point. Yes, we've gotten plenty of other great genre films in the past 10 years, and I'm sure all of you could name a few without much trouble. Still, this feels like a rather anemic time for horror. TV excepted, there have been relatively few offerings for gorehounds recently. We can stretch the definition a little, call something "a fantasy film with horror elements" to fill in the gap, but it doesn't help much. This isn't anything new, of course. Movies are like the tide: there's an ebb and flow to people's tastes. This especially rings true for genre work. Slasher films and ghost stories will disappear for a few years, then make a comeback based on the strength of one impressive effort (you think there'd be Insidious without Paranormal Activity? Pfft).

Matthew Lillard Is A Quality Killer

Like any genre or medium, horror and sci-fi have their fair share of iconic stars. There's Bruce Campbell, Sigourney Weaver, Robert Englund, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Vincent Price, Bela Lugosi, Harrison Ford... the list goes on. For every A-lister though, there's a dozen unknowns who never get their due. And some of them really need the encouragement, because they give each role their best. You want to know who the unsung hero of horror is? Look no further than Matthew Lillard.

Yeah, the guy from Scooby-Doo. Since the start of his career, Lillard has opted for roles that either pitted him against monsters, or had him become the monster himself. His first credit was as an extra on the set of Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go to College. From these questionable beginnings, he snagged a role as Chip, the son of Kathleen Turner's titular psycho in Serial Mom. Not too bad for a second job. Young Matthew worked steadily through the 90s in television and short films. In 1996, Wes Craven made him an automatic entry in the Horror Hall of Fame with a little story called Scream, and that's when things started to get interesting.

Quoth the Raven...

Inspired by my co-writer's ideas, I've decided to share some poetry with you all for a change of pace. I know that one doesn't usually think of that sort of thing when one thinks of horror, but there are plenty of great wordsmiths who had a gift for the macabre. Edgar Allan Poe is the obvious name, but there's also people like Jack Prelutsky, e.e. cummings, Sylvia Plath, and more.

I don't pretend to be half as good as those listed above, but I know I enjoy writing poetry with some dark humor and gruesome subjects. I thought I'd post the one I'm most proud of, not only because I came up with a good tale to tell, but also because the rhymes and structure of the poem really work, at least to me. It's entitled "Old Man Johnson's Missus" and was written in 2006. This work is copyrighted, so please don't copy it or post it elsewhere without my permission. I hope you like it!

"Old Man Johnson's Missus"


It was broken down and boarded up
The windows seemed to glare
We crawled like snakes to the dark front door
I could tell my friend was scared


"I'm telling you, it's haunted
By Old man Johnson's missus.
If you enter she'll murder you
And you'll forever do her dishes"


"You're a liar" he said nervously
"There's no ghosts in there.
You just wanna tell the guys
I wimped out of another dare"


"Go on in then, you're so smart.
If you need me give a shout"
He crossed the threshold, shut the door
And never came back out


I don't know what happened to my friend
That's the last time he was seen
Still, whenever I peek in that house's windows
The plates are always clean

Horror Stories: Not Suitable for School

(Author's Note: The content of this article is completely suitable for schools, workplaces, libraries, Starbucks, and home. The title is just representative and ironic.)

So, thus far in my career at the Haunted Drive-In, I've talked a lot about entertaining things. Mostly, my posts have been about stuff I've observed in the entertainment world. That's all well and good, but what does that tell you about me? You know I like horror-comedies, I grew up with Meanies, I've played Portal 2... That's about it. Whereas with Rabbi, he's talked more about his experiences with things related to horror, horror-comedy, or just movie-going in general. That's why today, I've decided to relay a little tale about an experience I once had. What ties it to the Drive-In exactly? Well, it involves a story I once wrote... A horror story.