Family Tree Surprises

 

I have discovered another relative from my family tree search. This is Quentin Smythe-Humphrey the Third. Originally born in Melbourne in Australia. He is a distant cousin twice removed. And you can't get more distant than Australia. Every time we removed him he came back to the UK.  

He fancied himself as somewhat of an explorer always searching for something new to put his name to it. He claimed that he invented the spoon rest. You know, that contraption some people have in the kitchen for putting your spoon when cooking. There is no evidence to substantiate his claim though. 

He also discovered that when you cut down a tree and count the rings in the trunk you can tell the tree's profession - table, wardrobe, desk, bed and so on. He claimed that if a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to see it; it remains upright. 

He is also reputed to have discovered the West Pole; as opposed to the North and South Pole. One day whilst sitting on a beach in England near Liverpool he looked at the sun over the sea. Instead of the sun rising as he expected, the sun actually set slowly down on the horizon and disappeared. Obvious really, seeing he was facing West at the time. He suddenly deduced (wrongly) that the West Pole is in America, which is why people said "Go West young man!" So he took the first plane available and flew to the States in search of the West Pole.

As soon as he landed he hired a car and drove and drove in search of the illusive West Pole. Or is it elusive? What's the difference? Look both of them up in the dictionary and decide for yourself. (You learn something new every day on this Blog).

Anyway, he drove everywhere. On one occasion he drove non-stop for a whole day. Tired, he stopped and asked for directions, (which is a miracle for any man to do). He asked, "Am I 24 hours from Tulsa?" The reply was, "No; you're 48 hours from Tulsa; you've been driving in the wrong direction!"

Quentin Smythe-Humphrey the Third never found the West Pole; but he is revered in the UK for something totally different. Whilst Sir Walter Raleigh is often credited with introducing the potato to Ireland in 1589 and England it was Quentin Smythe-Humphrey the Third who introduced us to French fries and potato chips. Until then, the British cuisine consisted of "boiled meat and two veg" - potato and carrots, potato and peas, potato and parsnips, potato and potato. Sometimes it was three veg, potato, carrots and peas. But Quentin brought us fried fish and chips. A staple diet to this day. Without fried potatoes we would not have French fries, and potato chips. Thank you Quentin.

And another thing. Whilst in America Quentin discovered pizza. We did not have pizza in the UK until then. He tried pizza in the States and liked it. He tried every kind; cheese and tomatoes, with pepperoni salami, with vegetables, with ham, with tuna. He tried every kind of pizza and liked it. It is what is known as the Domino effect!

So what did you do in life?

 

My friend JACK in a recent Blog post asked the question "did you follow a life close to your parent's?" You can read him HERE.

Well, NO - I did not. I am not as clever as my Dad or Mom. I just got along from education to a junior administration job in a large multi-national and then made a career there.

But I do come from quite and inventive and clever family. Obviously, the cleverness missed a generation when it came to me.

My grand-father was a famous explorer. He travelled round the world trying to find things. Once when on the Equator he discovered the East Pole. We all know about the North and South Poles, but he discovered the East One. Unfortunately he was unable to pin it down in any one place because the Earth kept moving round from left to right and the East Pole kept escaping away.

My other grand-father worked in a famous zoo. His job was picking up penguins. As you know, penguins just stand there looking at the visitors in the zoo taking photographs. However, when an air-plane flies overhead the penguins get distracted and they all look up and follow the plane with their eyes. If the plane comes from in front and flies slowly at height over them, they raise their heads up and follow it slowly tilting back and back until they all fall flat on their backs. That's when grandpa would come into the enclosure and pick them up again and makes them stand in a line. It was a 24/7 job because the zoo was nearby to an airport. No sooner he picked some penguins up, than another species in another enclosure would fall over and need picking up. He spent his time running from one enclosure to another. So being a descendant from an inventive family tree, he tied all the penguins in a straight  line to a long wooden pole, (not the East one), running behind their backs. So when they fell he just picked up one of them and they all stood up in unison. The manager was not amused and threatened to fire him. So he spent the rest of his career picking up penguins one at a time.

My other grand-father invented the spoon rest. Before that, cooks and chefs, and everyone in the kitchen had a problem when using spoons in the kitchen. They would stir the soup, or the broth or whatever they were cooking and then did not know where to put the spoon. If they left it on the table it would make a stain of soup or whatever they were cooking. Also, it was unhygienic placing the spoon on the table and then  back into the pot for another stir. Some cooks put the spoon behind their ears like you would a pencil or pen, but this resulted in soup or sauce in their hair. Others, tried putting the spoon in their pockets; but that wasn't clever either. So this grandpa invented the spoon rest, (see prototype above), and now we have an extra thing to wash and clean when in the kitchen.

My other grand-father invented the cold air balloon. But it did not take off.

My other grand-father was a film star actor. He was the hump on The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

My other grand-father was a glazier fixing broken windows. One day he replaced all the glass panes in an office block then realized he had a crack in his spectacles.

My other grand-father invented a humane way to kill ants. Totally natural with no polluting chemicals. He started with a flat stone upon which he mixed a spoonful of sugar and a spoonful of pepper. The ants would be attracted by the sugar. Inhale the pepper and sneeze knocking themselves dead on the flat stone. 

My other grand-father wanted to be a lion whisperer. He finally achieved his life-long ambition just moments before he died.

My other grandfather invented a compass which always pointed in the opposite direction he was travelling. He did not know whether he was coming or going. He also invented a luminous sundial so he could tell the time at night. His sundial watch did not catch on though ... except on his sleeves as he put his shirts on.

My other grand-father ... are you keeping up with me? He was a medic. He practised reverse liposuction. He put fat into thin people. Something he invented when he worked at a sausage factory. He was fired from the hospital when he also invented instant laxative. He also invented a new technique to deal with loose excess skin when overweight people lose weight. He tried it on a colleague. He pulled up all the loose extra skin upwards, ever so upwards, and stretched it tightly until all his excess skin was tied into a knot and hidden behind the man's neck. He looked perfectly well except that his navel was now on his forehead. He also had a very unusual tie.

Divided we stand

 

After Sunday Mass Father Ignatius and Father Donald usually wait in the car park to greet the people as they leave church and go home.

Father Ignatius noticed from the corner of his eye an elderly couple standing aloof away from the crowd. Once or twice the man looked at his watch and spoke to the woman. He made an attempt to move on but the woman he was with insisted they remain waiting.

Eventually most of the congregation had left and Father Ignatius was free. As he made his way to Parish House the elderly woman moved fast towards him and said, “Father, do you have a moment please?”

“Yes … hello,” he replied, “how can I help you?”

“This is my husband,” she said, “we wondered if there’s some place we could talk?”

He smiled and led them to the downstairs reception room in Parish House. As the couple settled down on the settee together she was first to speak.

“Father, we are only visiting town. We’ve driven from Scotland and we spent the night at the local hotel in town. We’re on our way to London.” She said.

The priest nodded and said nothing.

“This morning,” she continued, “we decided to come to Mass before moving on. Father, we were very touched by what you said in your sermon about the Commandment to honour one’s father and mother!”

He smiled and said, “thank you!”

“My husband here was all for driving away straight after Mass; but I insisted on speaking with you. He did not want to disturb you.”

The priest noticed the husband was ill-at-ease and reluctant to talk. But his wife went on.

“Father,” she said, “you talked about children having to honour their parents. You see, my husband and I have not always been Christian. We met when we were very young in our twenties and to be honest we believed in nothing. We got married and have two children, a son and daughter. Both grown-up and married.

“About four years ago my husband had a health scare. I prayed and prayed although I did not know who I was praying to. My husband got better.

“As time moved on I started going to a Catholic church up in Scotland where we live. Then I took my husband … forced him more like … to come with me every Sunday!”

Father Ignatius smiled to ease the tension her husband was in.

“Anyway …” she continued oblivious of her husband’s discomfort, “after a year of going to church and sitting at the back, we decided to become Christian. We talked to the priest, Father Ferguson, and we were accepted in the Church three years ago.

“Our daughter was furious. She said we had joined a cult. The Catholic Church is not a religion, she said. They are not Christian. And anyway there is no God. Our son did not care one way or another!”

She stopped and wiped her eyes with a handkerchief. Her husband put his hand on her shoulder for a split second or two.

“I suppose it’s our fault,” said the husband speaking for the first time, “we’ve only been Christian for three years. What chance have the kids got being brought up with no religion?”

The priest felt it was wise to say nothing and let them continue. The wife wiped her eyes once more and said, “Our daughter has disowned us. She has cut off all contact and has stopped us visiting her. We have not seen the grand-children for over two years. She has even stopped us sending them birthday and Christmas presents through the post. She said she’ll throw them away if we do!”

She stopped and sobbed bitterly.

“I’m sorry we have disturbed you …” mumbled the husband.

Father Ignatius got up and said, “I’ll fetch something to drink …” and went to the kitchen for a few moments to give them time to settle down.

After ten minutes or so he returned with a tray of tea and biscuits. The wife had settled down a bit and spoke first.

“As I explained, Father; we have not seen nor spoken to our daughter and her family for two years. She does not reply to my letters. Our son said we could visit him as long as we don’t mention God or religion in his house; otherwise he’ll do the same as our daughter. What can we do Father? Should I remind them of the Commandment to honour their parents?”

“No …” said Father Ignatius gently, “I would not advise that. It would only encourage them, your daughter especially, to dig in their heels and take entrenched positions. As I understand it, the only contact you have is with your son whom you’re allowed to visit every now and then? Does he have children?”

They both nodded.

“Continue to visit,” said the priest, “and invite him and his family to your house for a meal. Barbecues that sort of thing. Act as a family as you did before you became Christians. And most important, abide by his wish never to mention religion!”

“Should we not tell him to turn to God and be saved?” asked the wife.

“Most certainly not,” advised the priest gently, “this would only result in the same treatment as your daughter has done to you. My advice is to act as a family loving and helping each other. Who knows, in time, maybe he would have a family event like a party where he would invite you as well as your daughter and her family. Should this happen, you are to accept; leaving her with the decision whether to attend or not.

“Should she attend, you should behave as a normal family welcoming her and her family. And you do not at any time speak of religion. Honour and abide by her request. That Commandment works both ways you know!

“You honour and respect their wishes and leave the rest to God. He knows what is happening here and is in total control.

“The most important thing for you to do is to keep praying for your children and grand-children.

“Do you know the story of Saint Augustine?” he concluded to change the subject.

They shook their heads and the husband said, “No!”

“What a life he led,” explained Father Ignatius, “In spite of the good warnings of his mother, as a youth Augustine lived a hedonistic lifestyle associating with young men who boasted of their sexual exploits. His very nature, he says, was flawed. 'It was foul, and I loved it. I loved my own error—not that for which I erred, but the error itself.' His famously insincere prayer was, ‘Grant me chastity and continence, but not yet.’

“However, it is said that his mother prayed all her life for God to help him and eventually Augustine turned to God and became a leading figure in the Church.

“So there is always hope,” he said with a smile, “just continue to pray for your children and grand-children and leave the rest to God. Be an example to your children by the way you live.

“Look at your own situation. After a lifetime of not believing you suddenly decided to turn to God. Pray that your children will also do the same; but not in as drastic a circumstances as yours.”

After a few more moments of chatting they left on their travels much more relieved than when they first started talking to Father Ignatius. They exchanged details and promised to keep in touch. 

Genealogy - Up Your Tree

 

I sat in the train not looking forwards to a long journey. I was alone in my compartment so I started reading one of my books. Someone has to read them!; I thought. I don't normally read when I write them.

A few moments later an old lady came in and sat down opposite me. She nodded "hello" and started knitting silently.

As the train drew up from the station a man in his late fifties came in and sat beside her. "Just made it," he mumbled, "as my uncle used to say; a moving train waits for no one!"

The old lady smiled. I ignored him. 

He turned to the lady and continued, "he always had a saying for everything, my uncle," he said, "always le mot juste, as they say in French!"

She smiled again and continued knitting.

"He wasn't French of course," the man continued, "he was Welsh. I never knew that. I only found out when I got into genealogy ... you know, searching your ancestors on the T'Internet."

"I see ..." she said politely.

"I found out a lot about my parents," he continued unaware that no one was interested. 

He interrupted my reading. I hate it when I'm interrupted by someone; it sets my brain thinking in all directions. 

"Amazing how much I did not know about my parents," he said. 

 "Up to now you believed you were living with a gerbil and a cockatoo!" my brain thought but my mouth said nothing.

"They married three months after I was born!" he went on.

My brain called him a rude name then sought forgiveness from our Lord.

The old lady said something nice and smiled. This encouraged him to go on. "I have searched my ancestry through various generations going back years," he said, "amazing how many people I'm related to. So far I have discovered 56,000 relatives through the ages!" 

"Do they all talk through their backside?" my brain asked and my mouth censored.

By this time my brain was in free-flow having been distracted from my reading. Why would someone search his ancestry up to 56,000 people. I would have thought 100 or 200 would have been the most for me. I certainly would not search for more than that in case they all turned up for dinner unannounced. And would this ancestry program on the Internet go as far back as 56,000? How reliable is that? They could put as many names or relationships as they want and this idiot would be none the wiser. I bet he's got a lot of time on his hands searching for so many.  

He derailed my train of thoughts as he went on full steam ahead.

"Do you know?" he asked her as she nodded politely falling asleep, "one of my ancestors fought at the Battle of Agincourt. Another one died whilst fighting in Scotland. Others fought in a number of wars in Europe, Africa and all over the world! Even in Antarctica."

"They must have been quite an argumentative lot, fighting all over the place!" my brain interjected silently.

"And an interesting array of names I've discovered from my family tree," he bored the old woman, "A great great grand uncle three times removed was a knight at the time of Henry VII and was called Sir Roger Rabbitt, would you believe?"

"And no doubt he bred like his namesake! No wonder there's 56,000 boring farts like you," my brain wittily jumped in, "I wish you were three times removed from this train carriage. Or even once would be enough!"

It was like a comedy duo. He said something and my brain added the punchline. 

"The ancestry program on the T'Internet can also show you old photographs of one's ancestors," he informed the old lady who must have been suicidal by then, but she hid it well with a benign smile, "amazing how many people look the same over the years. It must be in our family DNA!"

"So do they all look like gerbils and cockatoos?" my brain asked, "no wonder you've such a bent nose. Were you born with this nose or did you pick it yourself?"

I had to bite my lips to stop myself from laughing out loud. My brain, which often misbehaves in times such as these, went on with one thought after another which I could not stop.

"Have any of your ancestors died of boredom listening to you or does boredom run in your family?" my brain asked. "Were you vaccinated with a gramophone needle as a child? You've not stopped talking since you came here."

As my brain continued to insult the non-stop-talking amateur genealogist and professional bore the poor old little lady got more and more desperate listening to him, smiling kindly and nodding her head and saying "yes ... how interesting ..."

At one point she put down her knitting needles, opened the train window and jumped out of the speeding train. I managed to grab her by the feet as she hung there in mid-air shouting, "let me go ... let me go ... I can still hear him ..."

I slowly pulled her back into the carriage and settled her in the seat whilst the man continued to regale us with even more tales of his long and never ending family tree which should have been uprooted and thrown out of the train when it was a tiny seed sprouting into eternal boredom for mankind.

(I think that's one of the longest sentences I have ever written without any punctuations).