Hotel Reservation

 

Can I book a room for me and my swan please?

I beg your pardon, Sir?

A room ... for me and my swan. She is waiting in the car.

A swan, Sir? That's very unusual.

Yes ... a swan. What's so unusual about that? It says on the notice at your door, "Pets Allowed".

You have a swan as a pet, Sir? By pet we mean a cat, or dog, we'll accept them ... not a swan.

Now look here ... it does not specify at the door what kind of pet you mean. Mine happens to be a swan. I am here in town for the falconry exhibition and contest. I am here to enter my swan at the contest.

You're entering a swan in a falconry contest? How does that work?

What do you mean how does it work? I hold my arm outstretched like so. I hold a small piece of meat in my hand ... fish actually ... swans don't eat meat ... they are vegetarian. The swan flies from on top of a tree and lands on my arm!

The swan is a big bird, Sir. It must be very heavy for it to land on your arm.

Of course it is. I once broke my arm in three places.

What did you do?

I stopped going to these three places.

Why not practice falconry with a small bird ... like a falcon? Or a hawk? Or owl?

When I started I used a chicken.

A chicken, Sir? But a chicken does not fly.

Oh, we sorted that minor problem. A friend of mine used to throw the chicken at me from a distance and get it to land on my arm.

Did it work?

Not really ... one of the falcons ate the chicken.

Have you tried frozen chickens from the supermarket, Sir?

Good thought ... good thought ... Now have you got a room for me and my swan?

We have a double room. Would you mind sharing with a man and his crocodile?

When dark clouds gather ...

Let's face it folks, we all have bad hairdo days every now and then. Days when everything seems to go wrong. Days when we are feeling down yet we do not know what it is that makes us feel miserable. On the face of it, everything appears to be OK; yet we feel unhappy, depressed, and all we can see is the negatives in life.

When this happens to me I just leave home and book into a hotel.

I go to my room, and sit there, all alone, quietly, and consider the reason for my unhappiness. I try to analyse why I feel so low and depressed. Then ... as it gets dark outside as well as within my soul ...

... I phone room service.

The people at room service are different from my family and friends. They have to listen to my whining and moaning. They don't neglect me with a smile and a good word of pretend sympathy. They don't put the phone down pretending there's someone at the door ... in the middle of the night.

The people at room service have to listen to me. It is their job to listen to me. They listen to my complaints about life in general. My boring job. My demanding family. The fact that the country's GDP, that's Gross Domestic Product, if you don't know ... The fact that the GDP has gone down and that inflation is on the rise as is unemployment.

Those room service people at the hotel are kind. They listen. They never hang up or pretend they are busy. And if I happen to cry and sob on the phone they come up to my room with tea and biscuits.

I like their chocolate cookies. They are different from the ones we have at home. And they say it is free ... part of the service, they say.

They listen to my problems and eventually they tuck me into bed as I fall asleep.

Over the years, I have been to the same hotel for their room service several times.

Better than going to Confession. Our priest is not always available, and when I speak to him I get the impression his mind is on the next Bingo session in the church hall.

How do you chase away the blues when you're feeling down?

HELLO ... How may I help you?

Travel Agent Lady: Hello ... how may I help you?

Me: Oh hi ... I'd like to book a room in a good hotel in Aberdeen for about a week.

TAL: Certainly Sir, when will that be?

Me: Now, right now ...

TAL: You'd like a room starting today, Sir?

Me: No ... no ... I'd like to book the room right now.

TAL: I understand ... and when would you like to stay in Aberdeen?

Me: Next month ... the week starting the 12th. I'll be staying for the whole week.

TAL: Do you have a preference of hotel Sir?

Me: No ... I don't know Aberdeen that well. I want a good hotel, not just a bed and breakfast.

TAL: Yes Sir. I have one available which I am sure will be suitable. May I have your name and address please Sir? ... ... ... And a telephone number where we can contact you? ... ... ... Thank you Sir. Will you require a single or a double bed room?

Me: Oh double bed ... a large bed. And make sure there's a TV too.

TAL: Yes Sir ... all rooms have a TV, telephone, Internet access, as well as adjoining bathroom and several other facilities. I'll be sending you a hotel brochure Sir. Meanwhile, I need a name for the other guest staying with you, Sir. Will that be Mrs M...?

Me: No ... no ... my wife will not be with me.

TAL: So it's just you, Sir?

Me: No ... me and Maurice.

TAL: Maurice ... That's the other guest ... May I have Maurice's surname please Sir?

Me: Just Maurice ... he has no surname ... Just Maurice and I will be staying for a week.

TAL: I understand Sir ... That's a double room for a week commencing the 12th of next month for yourself and Maurice. Will there be anything else Sir?

Me: Eh ... yes ... does the hotel have room service? Can we order beakfast and other meals to be delivered to our room? We'd rather stay in the room most of the time.

TAL: Yes Sir. There will be a menue in your room and you can phone your order which will be delivered at any time day or night. Some guests prefer to have a meal at all hours, like two in the morning, for example. This hotel will deliver any meal you wish to your room at any time for you and Maurice to enjoy.

Me: That sounds great ... One more thing. Will they also deliver bones?

TAL: Bones, Sir?

Me: Yes... raw bones, for Maurice.

TAL: I don't understand Sir.

Me: Maurice prefers raw bones before his performance.

TAL: I still don't understand Sir.

Me: We're in Aberdeen for the sheep dog trials. You know ... like in the film Babe, the pig who wanted to be a sheep dog. Maurice is my sheep dog. We're coming incognito. We'll enter the trials in the last possible moment. That's why we'll stay in the hotel room for as long as possible. Maurice is a champion sheepdog, and any news of his entrance in the show will affect the betting odds, you see.

TAL: Yes Sir ... I see clearly now ... (deep breath) ... I understand.

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Noisy Hotel Night

I spent the night at a hotel in the city a couple of days ago. I was there on business.

As I tried to get to sleep, and perhaps enjoy a nice dream, there was this continuous noise from the room next to me. Why are people so inconsiderate at times, especially when in public places like a hotel? Why do they have to make such noise?

For a long while there was this banging on the wall and a voice crying, "Is any one there? Is any one there? I have fallen? Is there anyone there?"

I thought, "What a self-centred egotistic person! All right. He has fallen; does he have to tell everyone about it? We have all fallen at one time or another. We are all sinners after all!"

Anyway, eventually he stopped banging on the wall. Must have got tired I suppose.

To make matters worse, the next morning whilst I was leaving the hotel, there was an ambulance out there in the car park. I was upset that it blocked my car because I wanted to leave for an urgent business meeting that morning.

Some people are really inconsiderate.