Bestiary of the Vaults: Turboghouls

Turboghoul
No. Enc.:  - (2d6)   
Align:  Chaotic Noisy
Move:  240' (80'), special   
AC:  6
HD:  3
Att:  2 or 1 (2 claws, overrun or lasso)   
Dmg: 1d3/1d3 or special
Save:  F3   
Morale:  9
HC:  XXI (TT:B)

An experiment in thaumonetic augmentation gone horribly wrong, or fallen ophanim, or damned human remnants cursed to perpetual nomadism, or a reified manifestation of settled mans' fear of the predatory nomad, or the result of an unknown memestorm, or just some mad wizard's twisted joke; whatever their origin the people of the Wilds know and fear turboghouls as monstrous speed freaks from a surreal otherworld.

These hyperactive cannibals hoon about the Wilds on self-powered prosthetic wheels sowing chaos and fear. Their idea of a fun evening: tear into an isolated settlement under cover of night, capture the inhabitants, and gnaw off their legs. Those few who survive the agony and trauma of a turboghoul 'hazing' are turned into more turboghouls by methods obscene and obscure.

Being inherently nomadic (and understandably averse to stairs and ladders) these creatures are never encountered underground or in a fixed lair. They are undead and can be turned by clerics as 3HD creatures.

Thanks to the snarling howls of their engines and their constant excitable screaming turboghouls never enjoy surprise. Their assaults rely on crazy bravado, rudimentary hit-and-run tactics, and sheer speed.

Turboghouls attack with a charging overrun attack, with lassos, or with strikes from their wickedly sharp claws.

• Overrun: turboghoul moves at triple normal speed (howling like Halford all the while), causing 2d6 damage on impact.
• Lasso hits: no damage, save vs. paralysis or become entangled. Entangled targets of man-size or smaller will be dragged away at high speed by their whooping, screeching captor (this causes 0-3 (1d4-1) damage/round). The damage stops only when either the turboghoul or character dies. Rules for cutting a rope? Cause 1hp damage vs. AC1d6 (varies round to round).
• Claw attack: 1d3 damage + paralysis for 2d4 turns (save negates). Steal Momentum: turboghoul adds half the normal movement rate of a creature it has paralysed to its own movement for the duration of the paralysis effect.

Unlike their grave-robbing kin turboghouls have no bite attack. This is because they are all punctilious in wearing head protection when traveling at speed. Roll d30 for each pack of turboghouls encountered:

d30
1    sack w. eyeholes
2    bucket w. eyeholes
3    coalscuttle w. eyeholes
4    mask, clown
5    mask, fanged iron
6    mask, gimp
7    mask, guy fawkes
8    mask, gas-
9    mask, welding
10    mask, hockey
11    mask, tights
12    headscarf, flowery
13    headscarf, beduoin
14    hood, liripiped
15    hood, monastic
16    turban, elaborate
17    hat, sombrero
18    hat, stetson + bandanna
19    hat, fancy feathered
20    hat, wizard's pointy
21    helmet, monstrous skull
22    helmet, common
23    helmet, knightly
24    helmet, winged
25    helmet, pickelhaub
26    helmet, futuristic
27    helmet, football
28    helmet, extra-spiky chaotic
29    birdcage
30    goldfish bowl


Turboghouls have little respect for any being slower than themselves, and none at all for anyone who lacks respectable haberdashery. Those without hats will be lassoed and eaten first.

Known turboghoul variations:

Hoverghoul - Inhabit swamps. 180' move over water or flat land.
Jetghoul - Inhabit wide open plains. 240' flying move.
Tankghoul - punky-looking turboghouls on all-terrain tracks. AC4, 150' move.
Springhoul - *Boing* "Time for death!" 120' move, with non-magical blink effect at will.

And, for Djangos Gurnery

Turboghoul 
P/M/S: 10/6/12
Skills: Dodge(P) 6, Melee (P) 5, Crazy bike acrobatics (P) 4, Navigation (M) 3, Select cool hat (S) 2
Powers: Paralyzing touch, Turbo nutter superspeed (move up to 80mph in 5 second bursts)


Pic source: an unholy kludging together of existing art by actual artists Kev Walker and Dawn Breaker.

Thalggu Needs Brains!

The Neh-Thalggu doesn't get enough love. An alien intelligence that warps in from other realms to steal the brains of powerful wizards like some bizarro truffle hound. 'Alien wizard ninja seeks delicious brains for fun, companionship'. What's not to like?

 

Look at him. He is avid for your skull meats. 

That is one pro-active, go-getting Slug Eat Your Face of brain acquisition.

The Brain Collector has been presented in a number of different ways over the years. It's variously been a kind of brain-fixated Mi-Go (in X2 Castle Amber and the AC9 Creature Catalogue), an enigmatic but non-hostile alien scholar (in Bruce Heard's Voyage of the Princess Ark series), or a massively powerful Mind Flayer-equivalent (3E's Epic Level Jokebook/SRD). We don't talk about its cameo appearance in the ill-conceived, ill-fated AD&D Mystara setting: that whole situation was just desperate wholesale corpse-robbing by late period TSR.

Of course, being 'only' a BECMI monster, the Neh-Thalggu gets no official D&D respect. That's only to be expected though; it doesn't have name recognition or marketability even on a par with second stringers like the Slaadi, the Githyanki, the Aboleth, or the Flumph. There's no Illithiad or Sea Devils creature culture book for the Brain Collector; no Neh-Thalggu of the Underdark sourcebook expounding on the nuances of their sophisticated cerebro-connoisseur culture. AFAIR they didn't even rate a mention in 3E's dedicated tentacles-and-alien-insanity sourcebook Lords of Madness.

Gaming popular culture is similarly left unaccountably cold by the NT. It even seems to have fallen between the cracks for those parts of the blogosphere that otherwise love their theramin-soundtracked science fantasy and/or Klarkash Ton-infused weird. No blog posts. No WTF D&D? citations. Not even a single passing mention in noisms' epic 2,000+ page Let's Read the Monstrous Manual compilation. Poll a hundred gamers and I'd put money that not one would have named the Neh-Thalggu as a top ten fave beastie.

Why is this? Is the whole 'We come to take your brain Mr Wizard' thing too adversarial for power-fantasizing bathrobe fetishists? Is the Brain Collector somehow UWP* 'bad form' in the same way disjunction is, but the Rust Monster unaccountably isn't? Or is it just that the Neh-Thalggu intrudes on the Mind Flayer and Aboleth conceptual niches?

* unconscious wizard privilege?

I think part of the problem is presentational. The write-up in the CC is a bit *meh* and the art is distinctly unflattering. Bizarre-looking: yes; arresting, inspirational and thought-provoking: no.

Neh-Thalggu LOEV photobombing

As written the BECMI Brain Collector is a No.# App: 1 ronery-ronery closet troll which pretty much acts as a wizard of d6 levels with fighter HD and a bite attack. The threat it presents depends largely on the luck the GM has with its 0-12 randomly determined spells. It's a definite test of GMing ingenuity to compose a meaningful 'eat the wizard's brain' threat with - for example - knock, infravision, floating disc, ventriloquism and locate object.

This being the case you could argue that the Neh-Thalggu is a classic old school monster; one where imagination and improvisational skill in using it trump listed abilities. But it still seems a little - well - naff for an intelligent 10HD otherworldly brain epicure.

Moving on to the Epic Level Jokebook (hereafter referred to as the ELH), this book claims that the BECMI write-up 10HD Neh-Thalggu are mere juveniles out on a first brain-looting spree, and that the full-grown Brain Collector is a 32+HD godbeast. Thanks to the ability sprawl endemic to post-Classic D&D the 3E ELH Neh-Thalggu reads like its several monsters rolled into one:

• save-or-suck poison,
• plane-spanning bite,
• debilitating tentacles strikes,
• Mind flayer-style brain extraction,
• extradimensional nature (which enhances defences),
• PC-equivalent spellcasting ability,
• immunity to critical hits thanks to weird organ placement,
• ability to teleport and/or flee to other planes.

Yeah, there is a LOT of power duplication there. That could easily be a power list for two or three different hit-and-run terrors, brain-seeking or otherwise.

However, if divested of power duplication and general Epic Level Jokebook cruft (+20 Insight bonus to AC? Hahahahahaha, no. As Mitchell and Webb would put it: "That's numberwank!"), the SRD Neh-Thalggu still offers interesting optional abilities for the creature in a Classic D&D game. Put the above powers into a d8 table and roll a couple to instantly individualise a Neh-Thalguu. That'll keep even players who've heard of the beasty on their toes, and will be a marked improvement on its current solitary one-trick-pony 'spells, then bite' tactics.

If you don't fancy rolling for additional abilities simply give the BECMI Neh-Thalggu some way of paralysing/stunlocking opposition, such as the similarly brain-eating Illithid already enjoys. Just give it carrion crawler tentacles* (or the use of a wand of paralysis**, or a cult of net-armed minions, or whatever) and an agenda: instant scheming alien kidnapper.

* Additional idea: Carrion crawlers = Neh-Thalggu larvae.
** This will likely be by GM fiat. By the book BECMI Neh-Thalggu are dirt poor, with only TT ‘C’ (average value 750gp and only a 10% chance of magic) to their unpronounceable tentacle-waggling names. By stark contrast the ELH Neh-Thalggu are the single richest monster in the book: triple normal treasure.

And the SRD Brain Collector has more to offer aside from its (absurdly broad) power list. Take a look at the text of the Neh-Thalguu SRD write-up:

A creature whose brain has been harvested by a brain collector cannot be raised, reincarnated, or resurrected while the brain is in the creature, because the collector preserves and draws upon the soul and basic personality of the creature for as long as it retains the brain. Neh-thalggus’ own language is a silent sign language 'spoken' with their writhing head-tentacles. They can also communicate telepathically with any creature that has a language within 100 feet.
-- d20 SRD

So as well as more powers than you'll ever need to make an interesting stalker/killer monster, the SRD Neh-Thalggu also has AS STANDARD:

• Genius-level intelligence
• Natural telepathy
• Soul/personality preservation
• Resurrection lock

A genius alien with tongues + magic jar on demand. That's a campaign archvillain power list in and of itself! All that's required is a GM call on precisely how much of a captured personality (memories? emotions? values? attachments?) the Neh-Thalggu can access. Slap that on the BECMI Brain Collector, and enjoy.

So here's to the Neh-Thalggu: always outnumbered, never outgunned.

Edit: found a Neh-Thalggu mini. It's a fantastic-looking kitbash of GW Tyrannid parts created by a guy screen-named Kep as part of his sculpt all the ELH monsters from scratch project. Behold the googly-eyed toothy magnificence HERE.


Pic Source: BECMI D&D AC9 Creature Catalogue, AD&D 2E Mystara sourcebook(?)

AtoZ April - E is for Equinox

Winter Solstice is the time of darkness and encroaching death (see "use it or lose it" rule). Bar the windows, pile high the fires and all that...
Summer Solstice is the time of light and excessive growth. Yes, the light of the daystar the source of all life, but it also kills you through dehydration and gives you cancer. Why? Because it hates you.

What then are the equinoxes? In a word: Balance. Equal parts light and dark. Not too hot; not too cold. The dead aren't tearing out of their tombs hoping to chow down on the great-grandkids; the ankhegs aren't running wild in the fields and the old dears aren't keeling over in the heat. The equinoxes are a time for man and all his works.

Vernal equinox is (traditionally) when the shipping, adventuring and campaigning season traditionally start. Everyone shakes off the langour of winter, kisses the wife and pats the livestock (or vice versa), and heads out anew to make their mark on the world.
Autumnal equinox is when harvest is taken in, when taxes and debts are settled and, traditionally, when the livestock is butchered for the long winter ahead. Some isolated northern tribes bury their wives and children under the first hard snows for the winter.

All this overlapping activity at a symbolically significant time means adventure!

Of course, in the crapsack, gnawed-at-the-edges, plaything-of-idiot-godlings world of the Wilds (where 'reified' isn't just a six-buck word; it's a survival hazard), it's never entirely that simple. Balance implies an inherent tension, which can be tilted in one way or another really easily. So the equinoxes are when all the Chaotic big bads schedule for their crazy power-garnering, world-wrecking schemes to come to fruition, revelling in the irony of using a time of balance as the power source of their plans. So, yeah. Hectic.

10 Equinoctal WTFs?

d10

1. "...the charioteer of the sun/winter moon is [held prisoner/AWOL/drunk/sulking/up for retirement]. We need someone to climb the Mountains of Dawn and volunteer as a replacement."
2. "...King Winter is refusing to relinquish his throne in the Temple of the Seasons, as usual. Queen Summer is throwing a snit over it, as usual. We're going to need a bunch of mugs to straighten them out, again."
3. "...so it looks like we're going to have to go straight from spring to autumn for tax purposes. No summer adventuring season this year I'm afraid [link to suggestion]."
4. "...the particoloured priests of the Twins are threatening to hold the equinox hostage this year. You can imagine the loss of public confidence such ontological terrorism will cause if it's allowed to continue. Try and resolve it without a sectarian massacre."
5. "...in accordance with the prophecy I, and I alone, will enact the Rite to bring about The Summer Unending/The Fumbulwinter!"
6. "...of course, the Five Worlds are especially close at such a cosmologically significant time. An excellent time to change the spirit of the age for one more congenial (?)."
7. "...whole new mirror areas of the Vaults open up at the equinox. Only for a limited time, mind you."
8. "...flip this coin. Gold on one side; silver the other. Such a pretty thing. Where could be the harm?"
9. "...blood for the gods! Blood alone makes the crops grow/keeps the frost wolves at bay!"
10. "...then, at the height of the spring festival parade, the Galvanic Blood Engine will fire, tearing a rift to the Demon Realms. I /hate/ parades."

JLCC

Skunk-horse
(aka Mustinks, rouncids, palfreeks, pongys)

Horizontally-streaked wild horses which appear similar to zebras. That is until you get downwind of them. At that point the unbelievably foul reek of these creatures assaults the nose, irritating the muscous membranes and causing eyes to water uncontrollably. Toxic stink discourages predators, makes area noxious enough to sicken or kill other livestock over extended period. Troglodytes don't mind it.

Treat as normal wild horse which exudes a constant stinking cloud effect (LLAEC, p77)?

[Surprisingly there's no Skunk in the LL/-AEC/MF bestiary, or in the otherwise intimidatingly comprehensive OSRIC. The Companion Expansion (available from barrataria.com) has both normal and giant skunks listed.]

Pic Source
Equinox Celebration 3D Tarot Set by Amir Bey from New Times Holler

Bestiary of the Vaults: Stonebonkers, Corngits and such

Just a couple of creatures from my game. I didn't realise until compiling them into a post quite how 'adversarial GM' they actually are. I am a bad man.

Stonebonkers

"Oh dear squire. See all the holes in the facade? Looks like a bad infestation of stonebonkers you've got there. The little buggers've wormed their way in good and proper. It'll take specialist squeezeboxjacks and stiltnetters to shift 'em, and they don't come cheap..."

Small, grey-feathered birds similar in appearance to woodpeckers, which famously make their nests in stone. Stonebonkers consume burrowing vermin, and will steal and eat small metal items (coins, buttons, seal rings, keys, etc.) to replace their rapidly-eroding beaks. Aggressive and territorial, stonebonkers are a totem symbol of war for certain tribes of the Wilds. The augurs of these tribes have developed a complex system of psycho-thaumic correspondences known as Stonebonking Mentalism.

Stonebonkers are no smarter than non-magical birds, and can be captured easily enough in nets and snares.  Keeping them caged is another matter however... They are used as a status symbol by master masons of the city states. Having a perch-stave with an ankle-chained stonebonker roosting on it is a mark of personal and professional success, as well as a handy protection against ruffians and yokels. Having a stonebonker with silvery or gold-tinged beak and claws (achieved by feeding them soft, beak-weakening precious metals over an extended period) is either cruelty or showing off.

Stats: Appear in swarms. 1/2 HD, good AC and morale, treat physical armour as 2 points less. Repelled by the sound of accordions.

Corngits

"That corn sure do got a purdy mouth."

Stocky, staring-eyed fey with more than a passing resemblance to Dwarves. They dwell in drainage ditches and hold farmers to ransom, threatening to blight crops and inflict horrible 'accidents' unless they are paid a tithe of the harvest. Especially fond of hanging around in wheat fields, although they like to infest fields of any grain which turn golden when ripe.

Corngits can be driven off by the presence of a "scaregit", a particularly horrific and old-school type of scarecrow usually made from the remains of an executed criminal.

Zoidergits are a particularly unkempt, rowdy variant that lurks in orchards.
Millgits infest local mills, and use the proverbial dishonesty of millers as cover for their greed.

Stats: Treat as 1HD Brownie 3' or so in height (LLAEC, p107)

Facethief

"Dough-face, no-face,
Has no mouth or eyes.
There he lurks in the ground
'til the daylight dies

Dough-face, no-face,
Hiding from the light.
Tip-toes into your room
In the middle of the night

Dough-face, no-face,
Creeps up as you dream;
Takes your face and runs away
You can't even scream"
-- children's nursery rhyme

Doughy-faced humanoid night-creepers who do exactly what it says on the tin. Attempt to grapple and overbear humanoid opponents, then shove their blank, mushy faces against their foes to rob them of their features. This takes two rounds of uninterrupted face-glomphing. Save vs. p[olymorph/-aralysis/-etrifaction] or lose your face; full-face helmet gives a +2 bonus to the save.

While face stolen the character is blind, mute and unable to ingest sustenance. Their face is reduced to a featureless palimsest of skin. They can still breath, albeit with some difficulty, and can hear and respond through pantomime.

The stolen face endures on the skull of the facethief for about a month, during which time it either gleefully runs amok in polite society or spends hours obsessing in the mirror (50% chance of either). Killing a facethief will restore the face it wears to the nearest face-stolen person. You get your face back if you're lucky; that of a dead person, hunted fugitive, or member of the opposite sex if not. Whether magic can restore a stolen face is entirely at the GM's option (heal or regenerate *might* work).

Stories of cunning and ancient facethieves who can take your face from afar with no more than a gesture, and who have wormed their way into the highest echelons of human society, are naught but unsubstantiated rumour and scaremongering. Nose-stealers though: they're entirely too real; and the squat little horrors like preying on children best.

Stats: Closet trolls. Fast-moving and stealthy with some form of entangling attack or paralysing touch. Stat as Thoul (ahem) Throghrin


The People That Life Forgot

"They welcome you with broken arms
And wary eyes to stave off harm
And they move around exactly like we do.
They're paranoid, they keep their space;
They live in dreams they can't erase;
They carry ghosts around the place like glue."
-- "The People That Life Forgot", The Wildhearts

No. Enc.: 2-12	Alignment: C
Movement: 90'/Special	Armour Class: 4
Hit Dice: 5
Attacks: 1	Damage: 1-8
Save: E5	Morale: 6
Hoard Class: ???

Emaciated, demi-dead scavengers dressed in mouldering tatters of once-sumptuous garb. The repetitive tap-tap-tapping of canes precedes them. Generally enervated and incapable of innovation, they are reduced to endlessly repeating rote behaviours, pausing only to rob and kill weaker creatures for what they need.

• Cowardly - low morale, generally non-hostile
• Symmetric movement - can elect to move in synchronicity with a selected opponent. However and wherever the opponent moves, the Forgotten does the same maintaining a constant distance between the two creatures.
• Repelling gaze - save vs. spell or suffer antipathy effect (as the spell, LLAEC)
• Oneiric - if agitated a Forgotten has a 50% chance of acting as if under the effects of a confusion spell.
• Haunted by their own semi-departed souls - appearance causes fear (as the spell), attack at range of up to 30 feet from their bodies with a chill touch (ignores physical armour, causes 1d8 damage).
  

Despite all this weirdness they're not undead. Just rather more than halfway to it.

Pic Sources
Woodpecker, public domain image from karenswhimsy.com
Corngit by Boris Zaborokhin from Monster Brains post on the artist
People That Life Forgot from Project Aon: Lone Wolf gamebooks

Ele*meh*ntals, Amirite?

"Agreed, f**k Heart. Let's just kill all the puny fleshies."

Elemental as written in classic D&D (B/X and A-) are, sad to say, a bit *meh*. They are mechanically pretty dull; their descriptions and artwork have none of the allegorical/mythic resonance of their inspirational material; nor do they convey a sense of the power and fury of nature at its most violent. Even their minis are a bit pedestrian and phoned in. How to make them a little less yawnsome?

Well, there are several options:

1. first and easiest: change the fluff,
2. allow for composite elementals, and
3. change their mechanics a bit (the obvious thing is a random table of some kind).

Changing the Fluff

The default assumption (reinforced by decades of path-of-least-resistance models) is that elementals just look like big humanoid lumps of... stuff. Which is depressingly limited, especially given how many other element-themed monsters share a similar conceptual space.

Fortunately refluffing is quick and easy in classic D&D, where 'canon' is generally synonymous with "whatever the DM decided last week". Lo! Instead of being simply big rocky dudes who are almost indistinguishable from badly eroded stone golems, the latest earth elemental to burst forth instead looks like a (d6):

1. giant Easter Island stone head that grinds about the place looking down its long nose at people.
2. stone rhino (“...the sinews of his stones are wrapped together. His bones are as strong pieces of brass; his bones are like bars of iron.” - Job 40:17-18)
3. single massive limb that erupts from the earth and blindly strikes as the summoner directs.
4. gloomy stone dude who just sits there in the lotus position and hums sonorously.
5. menhir, elaborately engraved and orbited by jewels.
6. stone toad squatting in a geode.

You can do this easily enough for all the classic quartet. So I will:

Fire elementals next:

 "Erm, no."

Instead of being yet a-bloody-nother ambulatory bonfire with beady eyes and mediocre artwork, they're (d6):

1. greasy little axolotls (complete with external gills and that characteristic sh*t-eating grin) that make everything around them burst into flame.
2. odd multi-armed Hindu-looking divinities juggling flames and dancing about in coronas of fire.
3. red-and-yellow peacocks/birds of paradise.
4. burning dwarves, who simply don't understand why you don't want to shake hands (Azer, Dorf Fortress, blah).
5. iron and brass braziers; self-mobile and happy to throw all you lucky, lucky people the unsolicited gift of a burning coal or two.
6. amorphous flying clouds of burning embers. No glowing eyes or perceptible face, and especially no big sad eyes or Billy Crystal-sounding voice. Just a cloud of mucky burning stuff.

Undines. Either you can have something that makes Hosukai wonder why he ever bothered in the first place, or you can describe them as (d6):

1. Fanservicey Renaissance bints in damp gauze surfing around on sea-shells
2. The dorsal ridge and flukes of some massive shark, whale or similar half-seen leviathan of the deeps
3. Abyss-style living water that mimics the face of anyone who looks at it
4. Shoal of fish that form a composite face (Nemo/Matrix fashion).
5. Elaborate abstract formation of ice crystals, falling water and mist.
6. ZOMG sea serpents! (and suchlike Freudian imagery)

Slyphs are already in the Monster Manual as the airborne wing of the hypnotic/blinding magical hot chick army (dryads, nymphs, sirenes, etc). And the various minor air elementals (aerial servants, invisible stalkers and wind walkers) have already stolen their invisible, malignant air current shtick. So we'll have to do something other than have them being whirlwinds with eye spots (d6):

1. Boreal face-in-a-cloud huffing away (complete with puffed cheeks. The puffed cheeks are an essential thematic element)
2. Thunderbird/storm crow/bluebird of tempests.
3. Whirling vortex of blue and white sparkles.
4. Swirly oriental dragony thing looping around mid-air to the accompaniment of discordant cymbals. 
5. Rapidly spinning triskel which periodically whirrs, sparks and throws off clumps of shredded feathers.
6. Skinny windblown dude in flowing robes.

Stats for all the above are as normal, just with an FX modification. Hopefully enough to add a little bit of "woah!" back to the primal spirits of the world.

As for elemental politics. Well, the Princes of Elemental Evil (FF) are simply cooler than almost any other quartet of elemental gods you care to name, either in pulp fantasy or gaming fluff. The idea that the earth/air itself is plotting against you is just... right (and we all know that the sea and fire are just biding their time). None of that Princes of Elemental Good nonsense though. The natural world is uncaring and merciless at best.

Composite Elementals

By this I don't mean the wackiness of the various Para- and Quasi-Elemental types (that way lies the madness of reified every-bloody-thing elementals. "Time Elemental, I'm looking at you!"). And no, Ice, Wood, Void, Magnesium and the like aren't /proper/ elements. Those are just...stuff. You'd be laughed out of the Academy for even suggesting they’re fundamental elements of creation.

Nor do I mean mimicking the noxious failure of creative ability that was the 4E elementals. How dead to the cultural heritage of the gaming world do you have to be to think that "Rockfire Dreadnought", "Earthwind Ravager" and "Thunderfire Cyclone" are worthy replacements for the rich trains of association and resonance trailed by names like Slyph, Salamander and Undine? (Not Gnome though, that name has been ruined by association with David and his fuzzy-faced, badger-fondling, bad joke ilk)

Despite what the Product Identity-mentals of 4E, and the various Para-, Quasi-, Pseudo- and Spurio-Elementals of late period TSR D&D did to the idea, combining elements is not necessarily a bad thing. Just allow two of the non-inimical classical quartet to borrow aspects of one another’s flavour and you've suddenly got whole new looks for the previously boring "I'm a self-mobile cloud/puddle/furnace/rockery" quartet.

Earth + fire = magma elementals, and who doesn't like lava?
Air + water = storm elementals.
Air + fire = burning, choking ash cloud elementals.
Earth + water = erm... mud? How about water-eroded rock? Silt? Clay? (jeez, there's always one joker has to ruin it for everyone!)

Again, no mechanical fiddling required.

Changing the Mechanics

A lot of what Classic D&D elementals do is fine. Their collective immunity to non-magical weapons makes sense. Beating on the landscape, or on a jet of fire erupting from a furnace, isn't going to do anything except give you some nasty burns and ruin the temper of your sword. Similarly there are proverbs in many cultural traditions about the futility of fighting the sea or the wind. So, yep. Immunity to mundane stuff is good.

Likewise the "maintain control, or it'll turn on you" thing that's a commonality of elemental summoning in both Basic and Advanced D&D is fun, flavourful and in keeping with pulp precedent. The rule allows the wizard player to don a big battlesuit every once in a while, but also ensures that his mates have to keep an eye on his happily drooling self while he goes kaiju on Team Monster.

The different HD from different summoning sources (stave = 8HD, wand/magic item = 12HD, spell = 16HD) probably has logical Chainmail/OD&D precedent; but from AD&D and B/X onwards it's merely another unexplained mystery of the Gygaxian universe. As for the 80 Hit Die walking disasters of BECMI...

The ‘unique abilities’ of the elementals though, those suck a fat one. The power and majesty of elementals is really undercut when it’s possible to adopt a SOP against their terrifying innate powers.

"He's summoning a [air/earth/fire/water] elemental."
"We're fine so long as we [avoid the whirlwind/cast levitate/cast resist fire/don't get in any boats] then. Oh, and by the way, dispel evil."

Surely creatures of 16 HD (that's more than any non-unique dragon, giant, or demon/devil in classic D&D) should have something a little more impressive than one bog-standard ability available to their entire type? Baz Blatt's non-canonical Tekumel demons (presented for our delectation in Fight On! #3) were pretty hardcore, and they only had 1 HD apiece.

The genies (Djinn, Efreet, etc) and minor elemental beings steal the peculiar quirks that rightfully belongs to the true elementals. So here are a few quick-and-lazy ideas to redress the balance:

Standard Elemental type ability
They get this for free, it's the calling card of their type.

Air	Flight
Earth	Meld with Earth
Fire	Make stuff to go *whumpf*
Water	Make water do tricks (run uphill, form arches, dancing fountains antics, etc.)

Then, dump the standard ability of the elemental (this is likely a bit of extra damage in B/X-LL, and the customary Whirl[wind/pool], or some extra damage in AD&D) and instead roll d10 on the table below:

Air
1. Steal Breath - save or die from hilarious blue-faced asphyxiation
2. Whirlwind – as the standard ability
3. Blade Barrier – as cleric spell
4. Cloudkill – as wizard spell
5. Lightning Bolts / Call Lightning – as the spells
6. Thunderous Bellow – as the breath weapon of a Dragonne or Androsphinx
7. Invisibility – innate ability, cannot be dispelled
8. Rapid Transit (as wind walk or the special ability of the Aerial Servant)
9. Buffet (like a giant air cannon) - duplicates one or more of the famous 'hand' spell series
10. Windwall as protection from normal missiles

Earth
1. Immobility (self or other) - as hold person spell
2. Fossilising Blow - save vs petrifaction or be a decorative feature
3. Immurement (as imprisonment spell)
4. Gravity Control (slow, reverse gravity, etc)
5. Magnetism - as attraction/repulsion spell
6. Rusting Aura - as rust monster
7. Warp Terrain
8. Earthquake - as spell
9. Rock to Mud - as spell
10. Wall of Stone - as spell

Fire
1. Pyrotechnics - self-destruct as a Type 6 demon
2. Wall of Fire / Fireball - as the spells
3. Hypnotic Movement - as fascinate or fire charm
4. Immaterial Form - physical damage? Immune suckers!
5. Prophetic Ability - as foresight, or DM fiat.
6. Destroy Weapon - directed disintegrate, but with fire FX.
7. Fire Shield - as the spell
8. Heat Metal - as the spell
9. Cause Spontaneous Combustion - save or die
10. Move like Wildfire - as blink
11. Firestorm - attraction effect + AoE fire damage

Water
1. Drown - save or die, or water spews from every orifice
2. Erode / Rot - warp wood, disintegrate, etc.
3. Waters of Lethe - memory loss
4. Airy Water - as the spell
5. Dessication - save or petrify, or you're Lot's wife now
6. Freezing Touch (water is a great coolant)
7. Wall of Ice - as spell
8. Maelstrom - as the standard whirlpool ability
9. Part Water - as spell
10. Annoying immunity - the water elemental just sits there, takes it, and goes *bloop* (like the Shao-Lin conditioning exercise where you have to slap water for an hour, to show the essential futility of worldly action)

Your elemental can use this ability once per round in the place of his normal attack.

Hopefully this'll make elementals a little less a bunch of palette swap monsters.

Thoughts? Opinions? Demands that I stop playing with the fundamental building blocks of the physical realm.

Allegories, Orcs and the Wyrdhawk Factor

(this post has been percolating for a while, but it took Trey's interesting take on the psychology of the Orc to push me into posting it)

I, with Tolkers, cordially hate allegory. For what it's worth I think allegory as a literary device is the last resort of the tub-thumping hack. With the honourable exception of the creations of Jonathan Swift (identifying quote: "Fuuuuuuuuu-!"); Christian of Pilgrim's Progress, Talking Lion Jesus, John Galt, and their two-dimensional, placeholding ilk can all take a hike across a minefield.

The one thing I do like about allegory - at least as presented in that old fantasy standby of the medieval bestiary - is the sheer stonebonking mentalism of the associations made. Why exactly the horns of the Yale swivel independently in their sockets (and what the allegorical connotations thereof are) escapes me, but I like it. I also like the idea of talking, proverbially sharp-eyed lynxes with precious kidney stones; the scatalogical whimsy of the bonnacon, which covered the nearest seven acres in flaming excrement as a defence mechanism; and the audacity of using pelicans - in reality little more than particularly stupid and gluttonous seagulls - as symbolic placeholders for The Passion (and/or self-sacrificing love in general). Those are the kind of associations and twisted leaps of logic audacious enough to cause the absurdity of allegory to undergo phase-change into brilliance.

Similarly in medieval iconography, the various ogres, fairies and so forth all had allegorical connotations. When shorn of their whimsical and/or hagiographic elements the goblins, trolls, etc. all represented the unchristianised Other; weird magical people upon whom it was safe to project all faults, vices and chaotic willfulness that good people weren't supposed to have.

(Usually these stories started out as pagan holdover tales, with a side order of half-remembered historical genocide. No, really. The old British folktale entitled "The Last Pict" is quite overt about it, but any western folkloric story about the 'people under the hill' or 'the fair folk' or 'sea brides' or 'changeling children' probably has roots in tribal petty genocide, and the accompanying theft and acculturation of the surviving young.)

Felipe Fernandez-Arnesto in Millennium: A History of Our Last Thousand Years talked about The Wildman, or Woodwose, being the quintessential enemy of the chivalrous knight, even more so than that other allegorical favourite, the dragon. The dragon represented the devil, but the woodwose (ancient relations of the Woosies illustrated by Tom Fitzgerald and so characterfully described by JOESKY) represented the more immediate and personal threat of human-inflicted chaos. The 'wild man' in all his guises was really no more than the heathen of the forest: untamed, unshaven, unshriven.

"Woodwose LOEV heraldry!"

What's the nearest equivalent of the unrelievedly black hat "behave or the bogeyman will eat you!" wildman in classic D&D? Yep. The Orc.

Orcs. Is there anything that can be said about the 1HD wonders that hasn't already? Probably not, but I'm going to work over that particular well-worn chew toy one more time, just to see if there's any squeak left in it.

Still ploughing the folklore furrow, E.G.Palmer of Old Guard Gaming Accoutrements blog has talked about something he calls Wyrd Greyhawk; basically a fantasy setting where that all the crazy folklore, Forteana and old wives tales (spontaneous generation, foetal impressionability, "If you do that too much your face will stay that way!") are true. This is an idea that I find compelling in that it allows characterful, if odd, echoes of real world superstitions to add verisimilitude to the game world, while leaving me enough wiggle room to pick and choose exactly/which myths are true.

So, allegory, wildmen, folk genetics and pig snouts. Let's throw this lot on the poor unsuspecting Orc and see what sticks...

My current take on Orcs is largely as an extension of my (previously looted) take on the Orcish Atavism. IMG Orcs aren't rowdy, dim WFRP hooligans, nor are they WowCraft's proud warrior race guys, nor are they the tragic ruins resulting from a Tolkienian evil overlord's twisting of kidnapped Elves into a slave race. Instead they're the direct result of appetite run rampant. Orcs are the degenerated remains of what bandits and mercenaries become if they revel too much in the rape and slaughter of the sack. These creatures, once human, have been intimately and indelibly marked by the Chaos they themselves have inflicted on the world.

I'm not saying anyone who kills, or overindulges in his favourite vice, is going to turn into an Orc. What would be the good of adventuring, or having carousing rules, if that were the case? But that one guy who keeps finding excuses to commit [insert atrocity here], he'll slowly degenerate into an Orc, his physiognomy gradually twisting, physique slowly bloating, and behaviour coarsening to reflect his inner degradation.

Why do Orcs raid, sack and (*ahem*) sire half-orcs on their unwilling captives? Because:

1. that's what made them Orcs in the first place, and
2. they enjoy it entirely too much to quit.

Peaceful, honourable Orcs? Impossible by definition: they're simply not made that way.

All this may make Orcs a little too "evil <==> ugly" for some tastes. But evil, inbred pig-faced hillbillies (and their degenerated pets/livestock/sexual playthings) who positively *thrive* on being vile and "...needed killing, yer honour" work for me.

Disclaimer: None of my conception of Orcs is a new idea. Tolkers suggested the idea of Orcs as corrupted Elves, and Orwell famously wrote in Animal Farm that:

Twelve voices were shouting in anger, and they were all alike. No question, now, what had happened to the faces of the pigs. The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.

My musings on Orcs as avatars of wrath, lust and gluttony run amok are intended as a nod to such things, and to the visceral - if unjust - loathing of pigs expressed in such authors as William H. Hodgson (in his Carnacki story The Hog) and Clive Barker (the Lord of the Flies meets Scum horror of Pig Blood Blues). The further similarity to the rape-frenzied Broo of RuneQuest, or to the Beastmen of WFRP, is - in retrospect - no coincidence.

Gone are Orcs as overfamiliar, pig-faced punchbags from Central Casting. In their place we have the wages of sin and the real monsters that emerge therefrom.

Glass Cannons and Meat Walls

(Some half-formed thoughts on variable monster HD)

Normally I'm a devoted adherent of the hp as combat fatigue school of thunk. Coming from a WFRP background the idea that you only need to land one mortal blow just seems intuitive to me. But what about the worldview that deems hp to be a measure of tissue damage? I was thinking about this in the light of some recent musings on the old Monster Manual II ("All storks, all the time"), flavoured with some idle speculation about Tao of D&D Alexius' ideas on why whales are unkillable unless already beached (that whole pre-modern whaling industry; never happened), and on Jo Bloch's currently-in-development labour of love Gygaxian AD&D 3E speculato-clone Emprise (huh, I thought we already had Hackmaster? :) ).

I'll come to my main point via a digression if I may.

[tangent]
In the beginning was OD&D, and OD&D gave us the unified damage mechanic. Weapons all did d6 damage, all hit dice were d6. And, for a time, it was good.

Then came Greyhawk, and in its train came variable weapon damage, d8 hit dice, and x+y notations for HD (you know, roll so many HD, and add a flat number to the total. Enhances survivability, and bumps the beastie up a row on the hit matrix). All good stuff, for a given value of good. x+y HD notations are fine and logical for something like a bugbear (3+1HD), and, sure, what's wrong with a Balor having 8+8 HD? That's +1hp/HD on what should be a proverbially hardy monster; where's the harm in it? A Con of 13 gets you the same...

And again, for a time, it was good.

However, by the time AD&D was in its pomp, use of the x+y HD notation was getting a bit OTT (as things are oft wont to do when excess is not curbed by punkish iconoclasm). By the time the FF & MM2 were published something downright odd was going on. Hit Dice had become divorced from both monster power (special attacks, SLAs, monsters as casters, etc.), and from durability in a 'knock down, drag out' fight. Hp boosts were being used as a 'virtual HD' mechanic, giving a bonus to survivability against hp damage that didn't boost attack matrix placement and saves out of whack. Fine, except that sometimes these bonus hp almost outweighed the hp derived from HD.

Presented for your consideration, a few choice examples of the phenomenon:

+1 hp/HD
Hollyphant 9+9
Yagnodaemon 13+13
Shedu, Greater 14+14
Verme: 18+18
Shadow Dragon N+n (on top of their screwy dragon hp figuring rules)
Elemental Grues (all bar one) N+n
Heirarch Modrons (all) N+n
Foo Creatures N+n
Pedipalps, Scorpions, Solifugids (all) N+n

+2 hp/HD
Swan 1+2
Elfin Cat 3+6
Taer 3+6
Saltwater Troll 6+12
Moon Dog 8+16
Derghodaemon 11+22
Ultrodaemon 14+28

+3 hp/HD
Nycadaemon 12+36
Arcanadaemon 13+39

+4 hp/HD
Tri-Frond Flower 2+8
Ju-Ju Zombie 3+12
Deva (all) N+4n
Hydrodaemon 9+36
Mezzodaemon: 10+40 HD

No longer could you glance at a single number and see that this beastie would have - at least on average - so many more hit points than that one, or that these two nHD monsters might both be equivalently dangerous to the party. The clear correlation between hit points and damage (one sword hit = one hit die) had been entirely lost. A fundamental part of the primary purpose of the HD system, and a useful DM tool, discarded thanks to system bloat.

And it got odder. Some monsters appeared to have had pointless additional hp doled out to them for no good reason at all. I'm trying to imagine exactly what had made the writers so adverse to having to write a single lonely number in the HD row of the monster entry. There was just no perceptible rhyme or reason to it.

• I mean, would it really have destroyed the conceptual integrity of the Behemoth (a big mundane hippo) to change it's HD notation from 10+5 to 11? Or the Polar bear from 8+8 to 9HD?
• Likewise with the Firbolg and Fomorian giants. What earthly use is an extra +1-3hp to a 13 HD melee monster? A simple +1, yes. That bumps a monster up the hit die matrix. But +1-3?
• Similarly, if someone can explain to me how a Drelb is at all enhanced in any meaningful way by having 5+3HD, rather than 5+1, I will put one thing of their choice into my mouth.
• The bizarro rolls on with a Giant Firefly by having 1+4 HD. ("Pourquoi?" "Parce que! Silence!")
• Ditto the Twilight Bloom with its lolrandom, but oh so Barrier Peaksy 3+8HD.
• As for the Giant Dragonfly: 8+1-8HD. The logic entirely escapes me. To any non-Martian that should just be 9HD.
• When a typo omits the '+' you get the nigh-unkillable 43 HD pyrochicken (hat-tip: Jeff Rients).
• And the Alu-demon write-up. Well that's just a mess: 6+2 to 6+6 (4-24 for Con bonus, if applicable). "Hurh? Rhot the ruk Shaggy?"

All this fiddly madness, seemingly just to preserve the sacred cow that monster hit dice must only ever be d8s. An orthodoxy that has a notable exception within the very book that offers up most of this strangeness: the Yochlol, d10 hit dice.

"FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-!!!"

(deep breath)
[/tangent]

That refreshing little rant about the deficiences of an excessively baroque system aside, we come to the actual substance of this post. Variable monster HD in Labyrinth Lord, and why the very idea is not a catastrophic blasphemy that'll bring it all crashing down around us.

There's Gygaxian precedent for it, so this is hardly filthy 3E-infected innovation for the sake of it. According to our esteemed Greyhawk Grognard EGG's own wishlist for a Gygaxian 3E included variable monster hit dice. I imagine these would have worked in a not-dissimilar fashion to the ones eventually b0rked into existence for WOTC's 3E: base HD by type, plus additional hp per HD based on creature type, physiology and whatnot.

The relevant quote is:

I say that as barbarians get d12 for HPs, then clearly extrapolation of the same principle must apply to large and vigorous creatures. This mitigates the potential increase in PC prowess. As a matter of fact, adult critters were assigned 7-12 HPs per HD in my AD&D campaign--have been given the same in what I have designed for the C&C game system. Also, with increase in damage due to Strength, all large and powerful monsters, including ogres and giants, gain a damage bonus equal to their number of HD.

Admittedly, this is not in the UA work, but it logically follows, and would have been included in the revised edition of AD&D that I was planning.

“Actually I planned to go through the monsters' roster and re-assign HD types--d4, d6, d8, d10, and d12. While doing that in regards to the HPs of each type, the monsters' chance to hit based on number of HD would not be affected.

As too often "weak" monsters were randomly generated, I also planned to have robust adults possess HP totals of something over 50% of the possible maximum by using a HP generation system such as 3-4, 4-6, 6-10, 7-12 using the appropriate die to determine the actual number generated--d2, d3, d5, d6. Non-robust--immature, old, sick, injured, or even non-physically active sorts such as spell caster--monsters would have the obverse HP range using the same type of die without addition.

(source: AD&D's Lost Second Edition)

Hmmm. You know, that makes a little more sense of the HD oddities in the MM2. If only Uncle Gary had taken the time to explain the shift in his reasoning. A simple footnote in the introductory section of the book would have done. Oh well...

Some purists might rage and fulminate against any hit die that isn't a d8 (or a d6 if you're an OD&D arch-purist), but ~if~ hp are read as tissue damage I can't see why variable hit dice types (sans the full-on "and us too" madness of "HD: N+eleventy-three-and-a-half") mightn't work. A large, burly monster should be able to shrug off more bashy-bashy damage than a small one, that's just intuitive. Problem is, just adding more HD in D&D also boosts "not directly related to withstanding pummelling" stuff like hit probability and saves. So, between the AC system and fixed HD, there can be no big-but-clumsy meat wall monsters, no fragile-but-slippery glass cannons.

Here's my modest proposal.

1. Base HD are determined by monster size.

Easily done. There are notes on how big beasties are in their descriptions, and AD&D 2E had a handy little monster size chart that divided creatures up by degree of HUEG.

Size	HD	Example
T (less than 1')	1hp/HD	Poxie, housecat
S (1'-4')	d4 (av 2.5)	Kobold, giant shrew
M (4'-7')	d6 (av 3.5)	Human, black bear
L (7'-12')	d8 (av 4.5)	Ogre, horse, cave bear
H (12'-25')	d10 (av 5.5)	Elephant, giant
G (25'+)	d12 (av 6.5)	Dinosaur, whale, purple worm, roc

2. Base HD are modified by the type of monster, or by character class.

Swarm/yard trash monster	= -1 shift
Spindleshanked Fairy Race	= -1 shift
Barbaric or predator race	= +1 shift
Harder than meat (made of wood/stone/iron)	= +1 shift
Demon/Dragon*	= +1 shift
.
Arcane Caster (W, E)	= -1 shift
Warrior Class (Dw, E, F, 1/2)	= +1 shift

* Dragons get an additional fillip to their HD type because, well come on, they're still the iconic antagonists of the setting. Even a dinky little St. George ganks a half-grown crocodile dragon should be as tough as old boots and require substantial tenderising. Ditto demons. Unnatural vitality, rock star villain status, and all that...

Worked examples

• Giant leeches (small-sized yard trash) have 6d4 HD, rather than the 6d8 that currently makes them as tough as a rhino, a tiger, an orca, or a 20' long crocodile. (No, really. IANMTU.)
  
• Halflings (small-sized, but a warrior race) have d6 (d4 > d6), as do imps (small + demon).
• A normal human will have d6 HD. Fighters and hardy warrior race humanoids will have d8 (albeit for different reasons).
• A large animal, like a horse or cow, will have d8 HD. A large predator like a polar bear, or warmongering and flesh-guzzling big humanoids like Ogres and Trolls, will have d10 HD.
• Huge animals, like elephants or brontotheriums, will have d10 HD. Huge "I smell the blood of an Englishman!" brutes, like giants and treants, get d12 HD (d10 for size + being hardcore/carnivore bonus).
• Gigantic "Leg it lads!" stuff - dholes, purple worms, T-Rexes and the like - will have d12 HD across the board.

This should take little or no extra time, either in prep or at the table. Simply roll/decide hp for the type of monster as you would normally, only with different dice. You're a DM, you have dice in abundance, right?

Some example monsters

Monster (Size)	LL HD (av hp)	Mod HD (av hp)
Purple Worm (G)	15d8 (av 67hp)	15d12 (+2/HD = av 97hp)
Triceratops (G)	11d8 (av 49hp)	11d12 (+2/HD = av 71hp)
Elephant (H)	9d8 (av 40hp)	9d10 (+1/HD = av 49hp)
Cave Bear (H)	7d8 (av 31hp)	7d10 (+1/HD = av 38hp)
Fighting Dog (S)	2+2 (av 11hp)	2d6+2 (-1/HD = av 9hp)

This variant would allow all the PC classes, and most of the iconic monsters, to retain their normal HD, but it also gives you proper meatwall monsters (rocs, dinosaurs, whales, etc.) which don't have insane combat skills or beefcake saves. It also offers the option of including spindly-boned glass cannons - like middling HD faerie creatures - which (IMO) ought to have decent saves and hit chances to go with their sneaky tricks, but should squish good and proper when you finally manage to lay a glove on them.

I know, I know. This is the antithesis of the elegant simplicity of OD&D/EPT, where both hit and damage dice were *always* d6 and the world makes clear sense. But when you've already got variable damage by weapon size (as in LL), why not go the whole (demon)hog and have variable monster HD?

Thoughts? Objections? Reasons I should have my fingers broken for tinkering with the exquisite balance of the B/X-LL mechanics?

Bestiary of the Vaults: Assorted Horrors

Sundry hostile cryptids of the Vaults. Presented without comment (or Hoard Class entries for that matter...) for your edification and enjoyment.

Whistling Selenites

No. Enc.: 3-12 (3-30)	Alignment: C
Movement: 90'	Armour Class: 4
Hit Dice: 3
Attacks: 1	Damage: 1-8 or by weapon+1
Save: F3	Morale: 9
Hoard Class:

These enigmatic Dwarf-sized, pink-skinned humanoid rodents are masters of eldritch science from beyond the stars. Many Selenites survive by peacefully trading their arcane unguents and cryptic devices to other inhabitants of the underworld, but some prosper as merciless raiders who ply the skies in golden-hulled, sharp-keeled vessels powered by arcane music.

All Whistling Selenites encountered will be clad in highly ornamented brazen plate armour. Half of their number will carry elaborate tridents and weighted nets, the other half will carry circular shields (+1 to AC) and wield wand-like staves. These last fire a beam which causes one of the following effects:

1-2 acts as a hold monster spell if ray hits (save negates),
3-4 acts as wand of lightning bolts with 7-12 charges
5-6 rusts metal armour, 2 classes/hit

{If you kind these weapon effects simply too dreary and banal to be tolerated I would suggest substitutions from the mad science source of your choice. The random Space Alien Technology Tables (Carcosa, pp56-61) and the Dismal Depths Traps Tables are personal favourites.}

There will usually be 1 leader (5HD) per 10 Whistling Selenites. Leaders can cast spells (and save) as Elves of levels 5-8, and invariably ride Iron Chickens.

Iron Chickens

No. Enc.: 2-20	Alignment: N
Movement: 180'	Armour Class: 5
Hit Dice: 5
Attacks: 1 kick	Damage: 2-12
Save: F3	Morale: 7
Hoard Class:

Savage living mechanisms used as mounts and beasts of burden by the Whistling Seleneites. They seem to be six foot-high metallic birds, although their wings are oddly articulated and incapable of lifting their weight under normal gravity. Moronically stupid and wilful, Iron Chickens devour carrion and metal with equal avidity.

Totemalkin

No. Enc.: 1-3	Alignment: N
Movement: 60'	Armour Class: 6
Hit Dice: 5
Attacks: 1 paw or breath	Damage: 1-6, special
Save: F5	Morale: 8
Hoard Class:

Large and lazy tiger-like creatures of lurid colouration, totemalkin rely for food and protection upon their innate ability to induce sleep in those around them. The breath weapon of a totemalkin is usable thrice daily, affects a 30' x30' cloud, and functions as a sleep spell (save vs breath weapon negates). Normal and magical creatures of feline ancestry (big cats, phase tigers/Couerls, manticores, etc.) are immune to the breath.

Totemalkins are normally attended by 1-6 mountain lions, who scavenge the leavings of these messy beasts. Creatures immune to sleep effects (undead, salamanders, etc.) sometimes use Totemalkin as static guards.

Giant Rogusoks

No. Enc.: 3-11	Alignment: N
Movement: 60'	Armour Class: 6
Hit Dice: 3
Attacks: 1	Damage: 1-4+swallow whole
Save: F2	Morale: 9
Hoard Class:

These ten foot long, candy-striped fuzzy worms are notable in that no two encountered are ever alike. For all their apparently mindless nature these time-lost scavengers crawl silently around the underworld in seemingly endless search patterns, seeking who-knows-what. Only ever encountered in odd numbers, the omnivorous rogusoks prefer to lair in warm and musty environs from which they ambush unsuspecting prey en masse. They are able to swallow a man-sized melee opponent whole on a natural 20. Anyone swallowed takes 1d8 damage per round until cut free of the reticulated terror. Rogusok pelts are much sought after by hosiers, who will pay up to 50gp for an undamaged skin.

Poxies

No. Enc.: 2-12	Alignment: C
Movement: 90', fly 180'	Armour Class: 3
Hit Dice: 1
Attacks: 1	Damage:1+cause disease
Save: E1	Morale: 7
Hoard Class:

You know the old theory that all disease is caused by tiny invisible demons? Poxies are what happens when the invisible demons of disease run amok, as in uncontrolled outbreaks of plague. These malicious little brutes are naturally invisible (as the listing for their neutral Pixie cousins) and enjoy spreading pestilence and misery wherever they wander. Anything they cannot devour or steal will be soiled beyond use. The toxic bite of a poxie causes disease (as the spell, neutralise poison has no effect against poxie bites). Poxies are repelled by soap, which harms them as holy water does undead.

(image fondled and filched from HammerWiki)

Bestiary of the Vaults: Mrotas

Mrotas (aka, Gibbering Cave Imps)
No. Enc.: 1-10 (5-40)
Alignment: N
Movement: 30', fly 180'
Armor Class: 4
Hit Dice: 1/2
Attacks: 1 bite
Damage: 1-2
Save: T1
Morale: 5
Hoard Class: XI (in lair)

Mischevious, bulbous-headed imps of the underworld less than a foot tall, Mrotas are ugly little bug-winged humonculi that flit about the Vaults carrying messages and scavenging enough to feed their voracious metabolisms. If unable to find food anywhere else they will act in the office of crocodile birds or cleaning wrasse to the larger and more sedentary inhabitants of the Vaults.

Although of limited analytical intelligence Mrotas have a facility for mimicry, a knack for languages, and a wicked sense of black humour. Their high-pitched cackles and whoops of approval echo around the halls whenever some poor fool falls to one of the numerous traps of the Vaults. If their latest playmare proves boringly cautious Mrotas will helpfully bait swarms of bats, stirges, centipedes, or other larger creatures into his path to enliven his day.

Mrotas live communally in paper hives which look like oversized wasps nests. These are usually suspended from the arches of the Vaults and have rusty nails, faeces-stained barbs, broken glass and the like embedded into the outer surface to discourage predators. Mrotas rarely actively gather treasure, preferring to take their payment either in food, or in shiny things.

note: If using FrDave's weapon vs. armour type mod Mrotas are AC I, with a +5 DB from their excellent dexterity and tiny size. They're sneaky little devils, but they squish real good when you hit 'em.

Bestiary of the Vaults: Ashagrals

Ashagrals (aka The Twisted)
No. Enc.: 1d6 (4d6)
Alignment: N
Movement: 90' (30')
Armor Class: 5 (special)
Hit Dice: 3 + 1
Attacks: 1 (weapon)
Damage: By weapon +1
Save: D3
Morale: 10
Hoard Class: XXI

Ashagrals appear at first glance to be malignant dwarves with twisted limbs, grossly oversized heads and wildly unkempt hair. They are invariably chained up in a macabre collection of black iron shackles and branks of which any torturemaster would be proud. On closer inspection it can be seen that if freed from their bonds Ashagrals would likely stand taller and broader than men. Their voices are loud, their tempers short, and their sense of their own dignity touchy beyond that of the haughiest aristocrat. They speak Dwarven, Common, and the trade language of Vaults (largely derived from Goblin) in harsh, unmusical accents

Ashagrals are usually found in the entourages of the mysterious Rook Seers of the Vaults, for whom they act as heralds and honour guards. Lengths of chain extend back from the head harnesses of the twisted to the palanquin of their master. Although they are just as insolent and curt to their Rook Seer master as to anyone else they generally serve with commendable dedication and courage.

Ashagrals prefer to wield jagged-edged glaives (treat as pole-arm in all respects) with a deftness that belies their warped bodies. The eldritch runes carved in their shackles mean that each enjoys the benefits of an ongoing protection from normal missiles effect.

Ashagrals replace Bugbears (or similar 3HD humanoids) on encounter tables

(image forced into service from Tina Manthorpe's flickr stream)

Bestiary of the Vaults: Ghistet

"Some say their wailing is the sound of the void between the worlds, and that they can suck out your soul. All we know is...they're called Ghistet."

Ghistet
No. Enc.: 1d4 (2d4)
Alignment: Chaotic
Movement: 180' (60')
Armor Class: 4
Hit Dice: 5+1
Attacks: 2 (2 claws) + 1 (tongue)
Damage: 1-8/1-8 + special
Save: T6
Morale: 9
Hoard Class: VI (X)

Ghistets are pasty-skinned quasi-humanoid predators of the depths. The hairless skin of a ghistet is almost rubbery in texture and exudes a reek like burning wire. Their elongated heads are dominated by a single lidless glistening black eye, and by a needle-toothed maw from which lolls the ghistet's freakishly long, barbed tongue. This warped parody of a face is flanked by a pair of large, back-to-front fan ears.

For all their unusual features ghistets have uncannily acute senses, being able to see in darkness (infravision 90') and hear even the slightest sound (never suprised). The constant keening and jabbering they make ensures that they themselves only surprise on a 1in6. This eldritch babbling causes confusion (as the spell) in all who fail their save vs. spells. Blocking the ears or deafness will lessen the effect, but does not obviate it entirely.

Ghistets have a squatting posture at rest, and use their powerful, double-kneed legs to move in great bounding leaps of uncanny precision and dexterity. Their twin toes are abnormally strong, able to bear the suspended weight of the creature at rest. This malignant race subsist on a diet of raw meat (preferably rotting), but happily supplement their necrotic feasts with the fluids and life energy leached from still-living prey. A ghistet which successfully lands both attacks with their paw-like, wickedly clawed hands on a single target gains an extra tongue attack at +2 to hit. This causes 2-12 points of damage, and the loss of one character level. Ghistets which have recently fed (50% chance) display uncanny abilities of gravity control. They are able to use levitate, slow, and hold person, each 3/day.

Each ghistet suffers under the effect of a personal taboo which they are entirely incapable of transgressing. This taboo is unique to each creature:

1 Fears the sound of ringing bells
2 Cannot climb or descend stairs
3 Is hypnotised by religious symbols
4 Is allergic to Halflings
5 Is compelled to break machinery
6 Cannot move in a particular cardinal direction

Whence the ghistet originate, and what hideous forces warped them so, is thankfully a mystery.

Bestiary of the Vaults: Gronphs

Gronphs (aka Grey Tumblers)
No. Enc.: 1d4 (4d6)
Alignment: Neutral
Movement: 120' (40')
Armor Class: 5
Hit Dice: 12
Attacks: 1 trample
Damage: 4d8
Save: F7
Morale: 8
Hoard Class: none

Gronphs are large grey blobs of flesh and muscle 10-12' in diameter and weighing several tons. They have two small, heavily-lidded eyes, one set on either side of their bulk at what form their axle points when rolling, and wide toothless mouth that are used to suck up their fluid diet. They are omnivorous, with the fluids of their diet being either the soft tissues of those they crush, or the output of nutrient fountains in the Gearworks of the Vaults.

Thanks to their thick hide and pliant flesh (typified as "putty wrapped in elephant skin") Gronphs suffer only half damage from blunt force or crushing. When in close combat, enraged Gronphs invariably attempt to slam into their opponent, squashing them into nutritious paste. Thanks to their immense bulk these creatures have a +4 to their attack roll when attempting to trample an opponent that is human-sized or smaller.

Gronphs are of low intelligence - being about on a par with a particularly gormless dog - and are generally placid and inoffensive unless threatened or startled. When not being used as beasts of burden or as the motive force for treadmills, they tend to roll aimlessly around the Gearworks, eating, mating, lowing their mournful songs, and engaging in shoving contests. Gronphs have a tendency to hibernate in corridors (leaving only minimal clearance around them).

note: Gronphs are intended as part of the weird dungeon ecology of the Vaults. They were inspired by big grey rolling ball of crushing death from "Raiders" (to ask "Which Raiders?" at this juncture is to fail geekdom forever!), and by the Rollits from the Frank Herbert short story "A Matter of Traces". Their functional niche is to fulfil my requirement that there be big living roadblocks snoring and farting in the hallways of the mythic underworld (this is entirely necessary to the integrity of my overall creative vision :p ).

Bestiary of the Vaults: Orcish Atavism

Orcish Atavism
No. Enc.: 2d4 (3d10)
Alignment: Chaotic
Movement: 150' (50')
Armor Class: 7
Hit Dice: 1+1
Attacks: 1 (bite)
Damage: 1d6
Save: F1
Morale: 6
Hoard Class: none

Atavisms are a degenerated sub-species of Orcs used as guard animals, food and breeding stock by their more humanoid kin. A grotesque admixture of orc and pig, atavisms are of limited intelligence (being about as smart as a dog) but retain all the malignancy and low cunning of the Orcish race. They are able to convey basic wants and needs in a pidgen Orcish. But unless driven by the whips of their keepers, are generally content to wallow, gorge and rut.

Although they can shamble along on their hind legs for short periods, atavisms are much faster when running on all fours. Their eyesight is poor, but their sensitive snouts allow them to track as well as dogs. If encountered away from their Orcish keepers, atavisms live as omnivorous scavengers. They attack armed humanoids only if clearly superior in numbers and power to their potential prey.

note: Atavisms inspired by the twisted imaginings of William Hope Hodgson and by Scott of World of Thool, whose dropsical, banjo-twanging Wilderlands Orcs were f'ing sick and are standard issue in my games (to the ongoing horror of my players).

(image copyright Wayne Barlowe)

Bestiary of the Vaults: Bronod Rhong

Bronod Rhong (aka the Cyclopean McDoom)
Armour Class: 3
Hit Dice: 8
Move: 120' (40')
Attacks: 1 (clunking fist)
Damage: 3d6 + curse
No. Appearing: 1
Save As: F8
Morale: 12
Hoard Class: XVIII (special)
Alignment: Chaotic
XP Value: 1560

Hated and hateful, these asymmetrical monocular giant-kin lurch through the underworld seeking only to sate their unappeasable hunger, greedily devouring anything they can cram into their leering maws. They are capable of bellowing only a garbled, glossolalic Common which consists mainly of nonsensical repeated mantras.

Encountered alone (they hate their own kind almost as much as they do everything else), bronod rhong possess thick skins which are insensitive beyond measure, turning aside all barbs (they have AC0 vs arrows, bolts, and all thrown weapons). Bronod rhong attack with their grossly over-sized right arms, lashing about them with abandon. They never retreat from combat, lacking the sense to withdraw even when maintaining their position will result in their inevitable destruction.

These dreadful monsters labour under a unique curse in that all they touch is doomed to misfortune (save vs. spells or be affected as bestow curse), and that any wealth which falls under their baleful gaze is instantly rendered worthless (save vs petrification or any gold carried turns to lead, unattended objects save on a 16+). Thanks to this racial curse a bronod rhong's hoard never contains gold. Any roll indicating gold should instead read as an equivalent amount in other coinage.

How such a hateful creature endures to plague the world is a mystery to sages and adventurers alike.

Bestiary of the Vaults: Tologs

Tologs
No. Enc.: 3d6 (6d10)
Alignment: Chaotic
Movement: 60' (20')
Armor Class: 7
Hit Dice: 1d4 hit points
Attacks: 1 (weapon)
Damage: 1d4 or weapon -1
Save: 0 level human
Morale: 6 (9 in special circumstances)
Hoard Class: none (XIII)

Tologs are small humanoids (2-3 feet tall) which infest the upper reaches of the Vaults, subsisting on a diet of cave insects, fungus and carrion. They dwell exclusively underground, the oily, shadow-born skin of their emaciated limbs and bloated bellies being unable to stand the sun. Small pointed fangs fill their small mouths and a malign cunning animates their beady, eirily fish-like eyes (Tologs have infravision to 60ft). They speak only rarely, and then only in their own gibbering patois.

Tologs are habitual petty thieves (able to move silently 2in6, pick pockets 2in6 and hide in shadows 4in6). They prefer to pilfer small shiny objects which are then woven into bizarre and complex sculptural forms called tologworks (imagine a dreamcatcher which has been fought over by a bower bird and a pack-rat). Explorers of the Vaults often find these tologworks suspended from ceilings and overhangs. The creatures are viciously protective of their object trouve assemblies and will react with shrieking outrage and furious assault (morale 9) if these are damaged.

A tolog living area is invariably a toxic warren of stolen junk (some of which may still have value) and layered organic detritus through which dozens of these creatures scrabble and dig. Tolog packs are dominated by the largest, most corpulent and most aggressive of their kind, with 1 in 10 of their number being exceptional tologs known as sachis. Each of these grotesque little monsters has 6 hit points, attacking as a monster with 1+1 HD.

note: I'm sick of kobolds and the Tucker/Meepo fanboi baggage that comes with them. The tologs (a backronym name fro "those orrible little oily guys") are intended as a replacement for them.