Happy St. Bartholomew's Day - some history, a brief documentary, and Monty Python

If St. Bartholomew's Day be fair and clear,

Then a prosperous autumn comes this year.

St. Bartlemy's mantle wipes dry

All the tears that St. Swithin can cry.*

~ Traditional English proverb

Michelangelo's painting of The Last Judgment on the
end wall of the Vatican's Sistine Chapel, where Bartholomew is depicted below and to the right of Christ. The face on the discarded skin of the saint has long been accepted as a self-portrait of the artist. Note the flaying knife in Bartholomew's right hand.

August 24th is the feast day of St. Bartholomew (wiki), who is mentioned in three of the Gospels as an apostle and may be the Nathanael of John 1:45-51 and 21:2. According to tradition, he was flayed alive and then beheaded in Armenia and thus is often portrayed with a large knife and occasionally his own skin flung over his arm. 

For obvious reasons, Bartholomew is the patron saint of tanners; it is less obvious why he is also the patron saint of plasterers and cheese merchants**. From 1133 to 1752, London's great Smithfield fair began on this day and was also known as St. Bartholomew's Fair partly because of its proximity to the ancient hospital of that name. 

It's also the anniversary of the St. Bartholomew's Night Massacre (wiki) in 1572, when French king Charles IX - urged on by the dowager queen, Catherine di Medici, ordered the slaughter of Huguenots throughout France on the saint's feast day. 

The massacre was timed to coincide with the wedding of Henry of Navarre (later Henry IV) in Paris, which attracted many prominent French Protestants to the capital. Admiral Gaspard de Chatillon, Comte de Coligny (1519-1572) was the first to die, followed by 2,000 more victims in Paris and perhaps 10,000 in all of France (although accounts differ). 

Painting by François Dubois, a Huguenot painter who fled France
after the massacre. Although it is not known whether Dubois
witnessed the event, he depicts Admiral Coligny's body hanging
 out of a window at the rear to the right. To the left rear,
Catherine de' Medici is shown emerging from the
  Louvre Palace to inspect a heap of bodies.^[1]

When the news reached Rome, Pope Gregory XIII ordered a Te Deum and had all the city's church bells rung in thanksgiving. The St. Bartholomew's massacre became a major cause celebre among European Protestants and in France re-ignited the Wars of Religion, which lasted until 1598. 

* N.B. The reference here is to the traditional belief that if it rains on St. Swithin's Day - 15 July - 40 more days of rain will follow. 

Brief documentary on the massacre:

** Here's the "blessed are the cheesemakers" clip from Monty Python's Life Of Brian:

It's Oliver Cromwell's birthday - here's his speech throwing out the corrupt Parliament, with bonus Monty Python

Today is the anniversary of the birth of Oliver Cromwell (wiki) (1599-1658), Lord Protector of England during the era of the Commonwealth that followed the overthrow and execution of King Charles I in 1649. Cromwell attended Cambridge but never finished his degree. A fervent Puritan, he entered Parliament in 1628 and strongly opposed the king. 

When the English Civil War (wiki) broke out in 1642, Cromwell's evident military genius propelled him into leadership positions with the Parliamentary army, and he defeated the royalist forces at Marston Moor (1644) and Naseby (1645). After the king's capture, Cromwell was a leading advocate for his condemnation, and upon Charles's death and the ensuing dismissal of Parliament, he ruled England until his own death in 1658. 

His son, Richard Cromwell (1626-1712), succeeded him, but within a few years, the Commonwealth lost popular support, and the monarchy was restored in Charles II in 1660. 

His address dismissing the Rump Parliament is one of the best speeches ever. Here's the online version of Chambers' Book of Days setting the scene:

Cromwell, having ordered a company of musketeers to follow him, entered the House 'in plain black clothes and grey worsted stockings,' and, sitting down, listened for a while to their proceedings. Hearing at length the question put, that the bill do pass, he rose, put off his hat, and began to speak. In the course of his address, he told them of their self-seeking and delays of justice, till at length Sir Peter Wentworth interrupted him with a remonstrance against such language. Then blazing up, he said, 'We have had enough of this—I will put an end to your prating.' Stepping into the floor of the House, and clapping on his hat, he commenced a violent harangue, which he occasionally emphasized by stamping with his feet, and which came mainly to this,

And the text of the speech itself:

It is high time for me to put an end to your sitting in this place, which you have dishonored by your contempt of all virtue, and defiled by your practice of every vice; ye are a factious crew, and enemies to all good government; ye are a pack of mercenary wretches, and would like Esau sell your country for a mess of pottage, and like Judas betray your God for a few pieces of money.

Is there a single virtue now remaining amongst you? Is there one vice you do not possess? Ye have no more religion than my horse; gold is your God; which of you have not barter'd your conscience for bribes? Is there a man amongst you that has the least care for the good of the Commonwealth?

Ye sordid prostitutes have you not defil'd this sacred place, and turn'd the Lord's temple into a den of thieves, by your immoral principles and wicked practices? Ye are grown intolerably odious to the whole nation; you were deputed here by the people to get grievances redress'd, are yourselves gone! So! Take away that shining bauble there, and lock up the doors. 

In the name of God, go!

Here's Monty Python's brief history of Cromwell (lyrics below video):

Lyrics - for an explanation of the allusions, see this Wikipedia article:

The most interesting thing about King Charles, the first
Is that he was 5 foot 6 inches tall at the start of his reign
But only 4 foot 8 inches tall at the end of it because of
Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England Puritan
Born in 1599 and died in 1658 September

Was at first only MP for Hunting Don, but then he led the Ironside Cavalry
At Marston Moor in 1644 and won then he founded the New Model Army
And praise be, beat the Cavaliers at Naisby and the King fled up North
Like a bat to the Scots

But under the terms of John Pimm's Solemn League and Covenant
The Scots handed King Charles the first, over to
Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England and his warts
Born in 1599 and died in 1658 September

But alas, oy vay! The disagreement then broke out between
The Presbyterian Parliament and the Military who meant
To have an independent bent and so the 2nd Civil War broke out
And the Roundhead ranks faced the Cavaliers at Preston Banks
And the King lost again, silly thing, stupid Git

And Cromwell sent Colonel Pride to purge the House of Commons
Of the Presbyterian Royalists leaving behind only the rump Parliament
Which appointed a High Court at Westminster Hall to indict
Charles, the first for tyranny, ooh! Charles was sentenced to death
Even though he refused to accept that the court had jurisdiction
Say goodbye to his head

Poor King Charles laid his head on the block
January 1649, down came the axe and in the silence that followed
The only sound that could be heard was a solitary giggle from
Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England, ole
Born in 1599 and died in 1658 September

Then he smashed Ireland, set up the Commonwealth and more
He crushed the Scots at Worcester and beat the Dutch at sea in 1653
And then he dissolved the rump Parliament
And with Lambert's consent wrote the instrument of Government
Under which Oliver was Protector at last

The end

When Cromwell died, the confusions that followed produced the restoration of monarchy, and some time was employed in repairing the ruins of our constitution, and restoring the nation to a state of peace. In every change there will be many that suffer real or imaginary grievances, and therefore many will be disillusioned.

This was, perhaps, the reason why several colonies had their beginning in the reign of Charles the Second. The Quakers willingly sought refuge in Pennsylvania; and it is not unlikely that Carolina owed its inhabitants to the remains of that restless disposition, which had given so much disturbance to our country, and had now no opportunity of acting at home.

~Samuel Johnson (wiki), (An Introduction To The Political State Of Great Britain, 1756) 

My favorite Cromwell quotation:

I beseech you, in the bowels of Christ, think it possible that you may be mistaken. 

~Cromwell (letter to the General Assembly of the Kirk of Scotland, August 1650)

After the Restoration, a vengeful Parliament ordered the exhumation and posthumous execution of Cromwell's corpse, along with those of the prominent regicides, Ireton and Bradshaw. Their bodies were removed from their tombs and dragged to Tyburn gallows, where they were publicly hanged and beheaded on 30 January 1661, the twelfth anniversary of the execution of Charles I.

The headless corpses were thrown into an unmarked pit, but the heads were displayed on spiked poles above Westminster Hall, where they remained for several decades.

During the 18th and 19th centuries, Cromwell's head became a collector's curiosity and was sometimes put on public exhibition. After scientific analysis confirmed that the head was probably genuine, it was finally interred in 1960 in the chapel of Cromwell's old college Sidney Sussex, Cambridge, its precise location undisclosed.

Read more: The incredible journey of Oliver Cromwell's head.

Here's a brief (8 minutes) history by the BBC:

*To the famous English portrait painter, Sir Peter Lely (1618-1680), Cromwell supposedly remarked,

"Mr. Lely, I desire you would use all your skill to paint my picture truly like me, and not flatter me at all; but remark all these roughnesses, pimples, warts, and everything as you see me, otherwise I will not pay a farthing for it." 

Parts of the text above are based on the late, great Ed Whitman's Quotation of the Day. Ed was my significant other for decades, and is the author of Hunters and Killers: Volume 1: Anti-Submarine Warfare from 1776 to 1943 and Hunters and Killers: Volume 2: Anti-Submarine Warfare from 1943. I miss him every day.

Monty Python Communist Quiz sketch

“Well done, Karl — one final question, and then that beautiful non-materialistic lounge suite will be yours…”

Monty Python's Eric Idle asks Karl Marx, Lenin, Che Guevara, and Mao Tse Tung a series of quiz show questions:

Advice from 1380: How to Tell if Someone Is or Is Not Dead, with bonus Monty Python

BL Harley 3140, f. 39r (14th c.)

We all know that the old ways are frequently the best; that may turn out to be the case here, but I think we need further testing.  I would personally rather not be declared dead based on the onion test.   

"Moreover, if there is any doubt as to whether a person is or is not dead, apply lightly roasted onion to his nostrils, and if he be alive, he will immediately scratch his nose." 

Johannes de Mirfield, Breviarium Bartholomei (c. 1380-95)

via Ask The Past.

Of course, it's impossible to think about being not quite dead without thinking of the Monty Python (wiki) "Not Dead Yet" scene from Holy Grail:

Magna Carta was signed on June 15, 1215: history, quotes, and Monty Python's explanation

The Magna Carta (wiki), the basis of the thesis that leaders are not above the law, the beginning of the path from absolute monarchy to the rule of law, and an important foundation of our Anglo-Saxon liberties, was signed on June 15, 1215. 

The British Library has produced two illustrated videos on it, narrated by Monty Python's Terry Jones - see below. First, a couple of quotes:

Nullus ballivus ponat decetero aliquem ad legem simplici loquela sua, sine testibus fidelibus ad hoc inductis.

~Magna Carta, clause 38

(In future, no official shall place a man on trial upon his own unsupported statement, without producing credible witnesses to the truth of it.) 

Nullus liber homo capiatur, vel imprisonetur, aut dissaisiatur, aut utlagetur, aut exulietur, aut aliquo modo destruator, nec super eum ibimus, nec super eum mittermus, nisi per legale judicium parium suorem vel per legem terrae.

~Ibid., clause 39

(No free man shall be taken or imprisoned or dispossessed, or outlawed or exiled, or in any way destroyed, nor will we go upon him, nor will we send against him except by the lawful judgement of his peers or by the law of the land.) 

Nulli vendemus, nulli negabimus aut differemus, rectum aut justitiam.

~Ibid., clause 40

(To no man will we sell, deny, or delay right or justice.) 

The Magna Carta (wiki) (the "Great Charter") was signed by England's King John at Runnymede, south of London. John, the youngest son of Henry II, reigned from 1199 to 1216 and aroused fierce opposition in both the nobility and the church for his high-handed authoritarianism. 

The resulting bloodless rebellion ended when John - under compulsion - signed the Great Charter, drafted in Latin by the British clergy, that guaranteed both baronial and ecclesiastical rights and privileges and the customs of the towns.* Of course, as soon as the barons left London, John renounced the document and then appealed to Pope Innocent II, who technically still ruled England. The Pope declared the Magna Carta null and void. It was modified, re-issued and reaffirmed a handful of times until the final version of 1225**, and is now considered the most important document of English constitutional history. Four contemporaneous copies remain extant in England.*** 

A few clauses of the Magna Carta became part of the American government: Clause 39 (quoted above), or habeas corpus, provides that arrests and trials of citizens must have merit and is found in Article One of the U.S. Constitution. Clause 61, which called for a committee of barons to oversee the king's actions, inspired the "checks and balances" system.

Of Magna Carta, Winston Churchill (wiki) wrote in his History of the English Speaking Peoples,

"The underlying idea of the sovereignty of law, long existent in feudal custom, was raised by it into a doctrine for the national State. And when in subsequent ages, the State, swollen with its own authority, has attempted to ride roughshod over the rights and liberties of the subject, it is to this doctrine that appeal has again and again been made, and never, as yet, without success."

* N.B. To get a flavor of some of the other clauses, consider these: 

1. The English Church shall be free, and shall have its rights undiminished, and its liberties unimpaired.

13. The City of London shall enjoy all its ancient liberties and free customs, both by land and by water. We also will and grant that all other cities, boroughs, towns, and ports shall enjoy all their liberties and free customs. 

30. No sheriff, royal official, or other person shall take horses or carts for transport from any free man, without his consent. 

The original - click here to embiggen

54. No one shall be arrested or imprisoned upon the appeal of a woman for the death of anyone except her husband. 

** Cato has an good synopsis of the revision process: Getting King John To Sign Magna Carta Was Only Half The Battle

*** Originally, a large number of copies were made for the barons and for distribution among the English counties. Of these "first editions," four survive. One is on display at the Houses of Parliament, one is in the British Library, and one is in a cathedral in Salisbury, England. The fourth copy is usually housed at Lincoln Cathedral in Lincolnshire, but is occasionally loaned out.

The British Library explanation of Magna Carta, narrated by Monty Python's Terry Jones:

Another in the same series:

Horrible Histories: find out how Magna Carta came to be in the Horrible Histories 800 years Song:

Neatorama has a reprint of a good article from Uncle Johns's Unsinkable Bathroom Reader on the history of Magna Carta.

Related, Mark Steyn's The Field Where Liberty Was Sown, on re-learning those lessons.

Parts of the text above are based on Ed's Quotation of the Day, only available via email - leave your email address in the comments if you'd like to be added to his list. Ed is the author of Hunters and Killers: Volume 1: Anti-Submarine Warfare from 1776 to 1943 and Hunters and Killers: Volume 2: Anti-Submarine Warfare from 1943.

The Great Sperm Race: The Most Extreme Race on Earth. Scaled To Human Size (plus bonus Monty Python)

A contest with 250 million competitors; only one winner... relentless obstacles, outrageous fatality rate.

Within 30 minutes of ejaculation, over 99 percent of the sperm will be dead or dying. But for those that remain it will be a vicious 14-hour fight to the end, with only one champion!

Sizing Up Sperm (full documentary embedded below) uses real people to represent 250 million sperm on their marathon quest to be first to reach a single egg; it was made by NatGeo in 2009:

Scaled up to human size with the sperm played by real people, The Great Sperm Race tells the story of human conception as it's never been told before using helicopter-mounted cameras, world-renowned scientists, CGI and dramatic reconstruction to illustrate the extraordinary journey of sperm.

With the microscopic world of sperm and egg accurately scaled up by 34,000 times, we see the human-sized heroes negotiate some of the world's most striking landscapes when the epic proportions of the vagina become the Canadian Rockies and the buildings on London's South Bank symbolise the intricacies of the cervix.

With the female body designed to repel and destroy invaders, from acidic vaginal walls to impassable cervical crypts, the sperm face unremitting obstacles. 'The battle that sperm have in order to find and fertilise an egg is just immense,' explains Dr Allan Pacey.

'Everything is working against sperm and they're not really given a helping hand by the female reproductive tract.'

A team of Leukocytes from the female immune system are sent to kill the sperm in the uterus:

On the left you see sperm squished in the cervix, and on the right is an army of freshly created sperm waiting inside a giant testicle. 

Here's a trailer for the show - the whole documentary is below that:

I love this - it's near the beginning:

Meet Glenn. Like most average men Glenn has no idea about the miracle of engineering tucked away in his pants. 

The whole thing:



And, of course, Monty Python's Every Sperm is Sacred skit from The Meaning Of Life:



via the excellent Dark Roasted Blend, which has lots of additional images.

Walking Dead season 7 starts Sunday - here's Monty Python's John Cleese recapping the 1st six seasons

As we all know, Walking Dead season 7 starts on Sunday evening, October 23. In case you need a refresher, or even if you don't, here's Monty Python alum and comedy legend John Cleese (wiki) recapping the first six seasons:

Related posts:

How to Tell if Someone Is or Is Not Dead, advice from 1830 with bonus Monty Python.

Here're the the first five seasons recapped by College Humor.

Eat your hearts out, zombies - Atlas Missile Silo turned into Luxury Survival Condos.

This guy has spent a LOT of time planning the hand-to-hand aspects of surviving a zombie attack.

Picking The Right Vehicle For The Zombie Apocalypse.

The "Mayan Apocalypse" is ancient prophecy, if by "ancient" you mean "from the 1970s" and if by "prophecy" you mean "shroom trip".

The Viking Apocalypse: Norse myth predicted world would end February 22, 2014.

Fallen behind in your Walking Dead watching? Here's all 4 seasons in 4 minutes.

A new video zombie survival guide made by zombies for zombies, with bonus roundup of zombie links.

Monday links

A day that will live in infamy: today is the anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor. Related: Monty Python's reenactment of the battle.

What Christmas Meant to the Nazis.

The Most Popular Dog Names Of 2015.

December 6 was the feast day of St. Nicholas of Myra, aka Santa Claus.

Meet the 81 year old Grandma Who Outran Her Kids at the Beer Mile.

Stubble and Statecraft: How Beards Grew Political.

ICYMI, Friday's links are here, and include the end of prohibition in the US, the world's most expensive cars, an emergency enema kit (the defibrillator of the 18th century) and more dubious medical treatments, DIY candles, and concrete ships.

Monday links

You Can Now Have Your Tattoos Framed After You Die.

For my fellow grammar Nazis: Scenes From The Unproduced Screenplay: ‘Strunk & White: Grammar Police’.

Interactive chart showing how many years you probably have left to live.

The story behind Monty Python's 'Dead Parrot Sketch', with bonus Maggie Thatcher.

I had to walk miles uphill (in both directions) in my bare feet in several feet of snow, but these kids have it worse: 25 Of The Most Dangerous And Unusual Journeys To School In The World.

McDonald's Straws Are Designed to Mimic the Experience of Breastfeeding.

ICYMI, Friday's links are here, and include a lesson in correlation is not causation: charts of weird things that correlate with each other, the world's oldest beer recipe (from Sumeria, 1800 B.C.), a chicken that lived for 18 months without a head, and supercuts of everyone killed by Superman and Batman.

Video: Bunny Wizard Embarks on an Epic Quest

As Tim the Enchanter (see below) would say, "that's no ordinary rabbit! That's the most foul, cruel and bad-tempered rodent you've ever laid eyes on!"

via Mr TVCow.

Here's Tim the Enchanter and the killer bunny, from Monty Python's Holy Grail:

Monty Python's Reenactment of the Battle of Pearl Harbor

Monty Python, from Flying Circus:

Specializing in Historical Drama, the women of the Batley Townswomens' Guild aren't afraid to get their hands dirty when it comes to promoting their craft.

The script:

Canning: (Graham Chapman) The stuff of history is indeed woven in the woof. Pearl Harbour. There are pages in history's book which are written on the grand scale. Events so momentous that they dwarf man and time alike. And such is the Battle of Pearl Harbour, re-enacted for us now by the women of Barley Townswomen's Guild.

(Cut to a muddy corner of a field. Miss Rita Fairbanks stands talking straight to camera. Behind her lurk five more pepperpots.)

Canning: (voice over) Miss Rita Fairbanks - you organized this reconstruction of the Battle of Pearl Harbour - why?

Rita: (Eric Idle) Well we've always been extremely interested in modern drama ... we were of course the first Townswomen's Guild to perform 'Camp On Blood Island', and last year we did our extremely popular re-enactment of 'Nazi War Atrocities'. So this year we thought we would like to do something in a lighter vein...

Canning: So you chose the Battle of Pearl Harbour?

Rita: Yes, that's right, we did.

Canning: Well I can see you're all ready to go. So I'll just wish you good luck in your latest venture.

Rita: Thank you very much, young man.

(She retreats, and joins the other ladies who meanwhile separate into two opposing sides facing each other.)

Canning: (reverential voice over) Ladies and gentlemen, the World of History is proud to present the premiere of the Batley Townswomen's Guild's re-enactment of 'The Battle of Pearl Harbour'.

(A whistle blows and the two sides set about each other with handbags etc., speeded up 50% just to give it a bit of edge. Cut to Canning in studio.)

Canning: The Battle of Pearl Harbour. 

Kind of related, in the sense that it's a British leader doing Monty Python and the Brits were also in WWII, here's the story of Monty Python's 'Dead Parrot Sketch', with bonus Maggie Thatcher (wiki) saying the lines:

Friday Links

Great Behind-the-Scenes Look at the Visual Effects From Game of Thrones Season 4.

How to give a giant blue whale a bath.

How many snowflakes would it take to cover the entire world in six feet of snow?

How to cook bacon with a machine gun.

Terry Gilliam Reveals the Secrets of Monty Python Animations: A 1974 How-To Guide.

How fast do you have to run if you want to walk on water?

13 Questions Answered About The Simpsons (they're yellow, says series creator Matt Groening, "to attract the attention of channel hoppers.”) Related (from the archives), Funny Signs From The Simpsons.

If you grew up in the Eighties (or have kids who did), you've probably seen Last Starfighter at least a dozen times: here's Everything You Never Knew About The Making Of Last Starfighter.

Tired of sitting around in airports?  One City, Five Hours: An Illustrated Guide to Layovers.

ICYMI, Wednesday's links are here, and include lots of Tesla information, vampire slaying ethical questions, jaywalking origins, and the sad story of Domino's Pizza's "Avoid the Noid" campaign.

Mick Jagger promo for the new Monty Python shows: "bunch of wrinkly old men trying to relive their youth"

Mick Jagger makes fun of himself and the Stones in this promo for the new series of shows that the remaining members of Monty Python are putting on:

And since Mick mentions it, here's the story of Monty Python's 'Dead Parrot Sketch', with bonus Maggie Thatcher.

via Sploid.

Advice from c. 530: How To Use Bacon

So, are the old ways always the best? 

"At this point I will explain how bacon may be eaten to the best effect... if it has been simply roasted in the same way as a joint of meat, the fat drains into the fire and the bacon becomes dry, and whoever eats it is harmed and not benefited; it also produces bad humors and causes indigestion. But if bacon that has been boiled and cooled is eaten, it is more beneficial... As for raw bacon which, so I hear, the Franks have a habit of eating... they are healthier than other people because of this food. Let me give a good example so that what I am writing may be believed: thick bacon, placed for a long time on all wounds, be they external or internal or caused by a blow, both cleanses any putrefaction and aids healing. Look at what power there is in raw bacon, and see how the Franks heal what doctors try to cure with drugs or with potions."

Anthimus, On the Observance of Foods (c. 511-534)

From Ask The Past.

Previous posts: Mostly weird, and some not so weird, medical treatments from the old days, including this:

How to Stop Bleeding, 1664:

“To Stench a Bleeding Wound: Lay hogs Dung, hot from the Hog, to the Bleeding Wound.” 

Samuel Strangehopes, A Book of Knowledge in Three Parts (166[4])

Advice from 1380: How to Tell if Someone Is or Is Not Dead, with bonus Monty Python.

Mostly weird, and some not so weird, medical treatments from the old days

So, are the old ways always the best?  Well, sometimes they make sense even if you can't prove it.  Then again, sometimes they don't.

Discover Magazine has an article on medical remedies in the old days, based on the book How to Cure the Plague. The author, Julian Walker, explores the science behind a wide range of history's cures. A couple are below - more at Discover. 

Herbal Cough Syrup:

Then:

Take a pot of barley, and seethe it in a gallon of well-water, and let it seethe until the barley be lost; then strain it and put thereto as much new wort as of the aforesaid licquor, and put therein a good quantity of sage, and as much hyssop, and a pennyworth of liquorice well bruised; then seethe it again until it be half consumed away; then strain it and put it into a glass, or into some other close vessel, and so let it stand the space of one whole day, and let the party grieved drink two or three spoonfuls of it at a time, both morning and evening, and this will help him in a short space. This hath been well proved.

– A Rich Storehouse, or Treasurie for the Diseased, 1607

Now:

'Wort' is unfermented beer – the mix of grain and water, which would be soothing to drink; hyssop is a good expectorant, while sage has long been used against fevers. Liquorice’s soothing properties mean that it is still a common ingredient in cough medicines.

All-Purpose Pain Relief

Then:

[Wintergreen] boiled in wine and water and given to drink to them that have any inward ulcers in their kidneys or neck of the bladder, doth wonderfully help them; it stayeth also all fluxes, whether of blood or humours, [such] as the lask, bloody flux, women’s courses, and bleeding of the womb, and taketh away any inflammation rising upon pains of the heart.

– The English Physitian, Nicholas Culpeper, 1652

Now:

Oil of wintergreen, now obtained by distillation of the leaves, contains methyl salicylate, similar to aspirin, which is a longstanding treatment for cardiovascular conditions including heart attacks, acting as an anti-inflammatory and blood thinner.

And from the always fascinating Ask The Past, several more cures but without any modern equivalents given:

How to Cure Head Congestion, 1596

"A Medicine for the stopping of the nose and head, which commeth by reason of colde. Take a good quantity of the iuice of Primrose, and blow it with a quill into the Patients nose, and let him keep himselfe warme after it, and it will cleare both his head and nose." 

A. T., A Rich Store-House or Treasury for the Diseased (1596)

Ambroise Paré, Opera chirurgica (1594)
Ambroise Paré, Opera chirurgica (1594)

How to Heal All Wounds, 1683

"A Drink that healeth all Wounds... Take Sanicle, Milfoil, and Bugle, of each a like quantity, stamp them in a Mortar, and temper them with Wine, and give the sick that is wounded to drink twice or thrice a day till he be whole: Bugle holdeth open the wound, Milfoil cleanseth the wound, Sanicle healeth it; but Sanicle may not be given to him that is hurt in the Head, or in the Brain-pan, for it is dangerous. This is a good and Tryed Medicine." 

Hannah Woolley, The Accomplish'd Ladies Delight (1683)

How to Cure a Headache, 9th century

"Headaches you will enchant: take some earth, touch your breast three times and say: My head hurts, why does it hurt? It does not hurt." 

Pseudo-Pliny (9th century)

How to Stop Bleeding, 1664

“To Stench a Bleeding Wound: Lay hogs Dung, hot from the Hog, to the Bleeding Wound.” 

Samuel Strangehopes, A Book of Knowledge in Three Parts (166[4])

Previous posts:

Advice from 1380: How to Tell if Someone Is or Is Not Dead, with bonus Monty Python.

New research from the Ministry of Silly Walks.

From Discover:

In lieu of an introduction to today’s featured research article, we give you one of our all-time favorite Monty Python sketches:

Sideways walking: preferred is slow, slow is optimal, and optimal is expensive.

“When humans wish to move sideways, they almost never walk sideways, except for a step or two; they usually turn and walk facing forward. Here, we show that the experimental metabolic cost of walking sideways, per unit distance, is over three times that of forward walking. We explain this high metabolic cost with a simple mathematical model; sideways walking is expensive because it involves repeated starting and stopping. When walking sideways, our subjects preferred a low natural speed, averaging 0.575 m s(-1) (0.123 s.d.). Even with no prior practice, this preferred sideways walking speed is close to the metabolically optimal speed, averaging 0.610 m s(-1) (0.064 s.d.). Subjects were within 2.4% of their optimal metabolic cost per distance. Thus, we argue that sideways walking is avoided because it is expensive and slow, and it is slow because the optimal speed is low, not because humans cannot move sideways fast.”

Florida man accused in banana assault, with bonus Monty Python

TAMPA, Fla. -- A Pasco County man spent new years day behind bars, after sheriff's deputies say he assaulted his live in girlfriend with a banana.

Authorities responded to 36-year old Joseph Smolinsky's home on Afton Lane in Port Richey early yesterday morning.

When they arrived, Smolinsky's live-in girlfriend told them he threw a banana at her. Smolinsky denied the accusation and told deputies she threw the banana at him.

As is not infrequently the case with ridiculous news stories, Monty Python has a related skit: How to defend yourself against a banana!

The story of Monty Python's 'Dead Parrot Sketch', with bonus Maggie Thatcher

The “Dead Parrot Sketch” developed out of something Cleese and Chapman had previously written for a one-off special called How to Irritate People. Produced by David Frost, How to Irritate People was a collection of sketches introduced by Cleese, and co-starring Chapman, Tim Brooke-Taylor, Michael Palin, Connie Booth, Gillian Lind and Dick Vosburgh. The program was notable for being the first time Palin worked with Cleese and Chapman, a year before they created Monty Python’s Flying Circus, as Palin explained in Bob McCabe’s biography of Chapman, The Life of Graham:

‘...that was the first time I’d ever worked with John and Graham, as an actor, and that was very much like a miniPython, except that I wasn’t writing with Terry [Jones]. I was an actor with their material, but we changed it a little bit in rehearsal and we’d really enjoyed doing that, even though the end result had not been successful, largely due to problems with recording.’

The show appears never to have been shown on British television, but was aired in the US on January 21st, 1969. The program contained elements of material later used on Python, in particular the “Car Salesman” sketch, which eventually became the famous (Dead) “Parrot Sketch.”

The “Car Salesman” was more than a piece of creative comedy, it was an idea suggested by Palin, and based on his own dealings with a less than scrupulous garage owner, as Cleese explains:

‘..that was based on a man called Mr Gibbins, which is Helen [Palin’s] unmarried name. And Mr Gibbins ran a garage somewhere in Michael’s area, and Michael started to tell me about taking his car in to Mr Gibbins if there was something wrong with it, and he would ring Mr Gibbins and say, “I’m having trouble with the clutch,” and Mr Gibbins would say, “Lovely car, lovely car.” And Michael said, “Well, yes, Mr Gibbins, it is a lovely car, but I’m having trouble with the clutch.” “Lovely car, lovely car, can’t beat it.” “No, but we’re having trouble with it.” “Well, look,” he says, “if you ever have any trouble with it, bring it in.” Michael would say, “Well, I am having trouble with it and I have brought it in,” and he’d say, “Good, lovely car, lovely car, if you have trouble bring it in,” and Michael would say, “No, no, no, the clutch is sticking,” and he would say, “Sign of a quality car, if you had a sticky clutch first two thousand miles, it’s the sign of good quality,” and he was one of those people you could never get to take a complaint seriously. And Michael and I chatted about this, and I then went off and wrote a sketch with Graham about a man returning a second-hand car…’

The sketch has Chapman dealing with Palin’s furtive car salesman.

How to Irritate People wasn’t successful, but when they started writing sketches for the first series of Monty Python, Cleese recalled the “Car Salesman Sketch,” instinctively recognizing there was “something funny in it”.

Cleese considered the garage a cliched location and together with Chapman, it was changed to a pet shop. They then discussed whether the pet should be a dog, whereupon Chapman suggested the idea of a parrot. (An earlier idea had a customer attempting to return a non-functioning toaster.)

After Chapman’s death in 1989, Cleese re-worked the “Dead Parrot Sketch” as the opening of his eulogy to Chapman (NSFW- language).

And even Margaret Thatcher (wiki) could “do” Python lines (although not very well):

via Dangerous Minds.

10 Figures of Speech Illustrated by Monty Python: Paradiastole, Epanorthosis, Syncatabasis & More

10 Figures of Speech from Max Tohline on Vimeo.

10 figures of speech “as illustrated by Monty Python’s Flying Circus,” one of the most literate of popular artifacts to ever appear on television. There’s “paradiastole,” the fancy term for euphemism, demonstrated by John Cleese’s overly decorous newscaster. There’s “epanorthosis,” or “immediate and emphatic self-correction, often following a slip of the tongue,” which Eric Idle overdoes in splendid fashion. Every possible poetic figure or grammatical tic seems to have been named and catalogued by those philosophically resourceful Greeks and Romans. And it’s likely that the Pythons have utilized them all.

via Open Culture.

“Intellectual Sewing”: Keeping Proust in Stitches

Keeping Proust in Stitches: "In 2008 I began to cut up all seven volumes of Marcel Proust’s novel A la recherche du temps perdu and to hand stitch 3,000 pages of print into patchwork... 

A new academic sub-discipline is born: “Sewing Proust: Patchwork as Critical Practice,” Rhiannon Williams, Textile: The Journal of Cloth and Culture, Volume 1, Number 1, November 2013 , pp. 43-56. 

The author, at the University of Derby, explains: “I describe my own work, somewhat provocatively, as ‘intellectual sewing’ conducted in the manner of a critique. My methodology supports the agenda for integration of theory into practice...

"In 2008 I began to cut up all seven volumes of Marcel Proust’s novel A la recherche du temps perdu and to hand stitch 3,000 pages of print into patchwork...

That is to say, what might it mean to take apart then stitch together Proust’s Modernist text 100 years after its production?”"

Monty Python’s All-England Summarize Proust Competition (uncensored*):

*From the YouTube info: 

"All the videos of this sketch that I've seen here are the censored version, so I figured I'd upload this. It's from one of my old Python videos that I taped from PBS. 

For those that don't know, the line "Strangling animals, golf, and masturbating" was censored by the BBC when this episode first aired. Then for the first Flying Circus DVD release, it was not only censored, but the scene was actually re-cut to only say "Golf and strangling animals". This video has the original, unedited line intact."

More on this project and similar sewing-with-print projects here.