What are you, high? Oh, right!

From the New York Post:

Lindsay Lohan wants $100M

over E-Trade ad

This ad:

Lindsay Lohan is suing the financial company E-Trade, insisting that a boyfriend-stealing, "milkaholic" baby in its latest commercial -- who happens to be named Lindsay -- was modeled after her. And she wants $100 million for her pain and suffering, The Post has learned.

Not pain and suffering! I said Cocaine and Huffing!

And what is the basis for this lawsuit? Besides needing coke money, I mean.

The girl at the end of the ad is named "Lindsey."

Really.

Lohan's lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia, said the actress has the same single-name recognition as Oprah or Madonna.

A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!
Oh my God, you're killing me! Oprah and Madonna! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!
Oprah, Madonna and you? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!

Seriously, do you have any idea how many gold records Madonna has hanging on her walls? Do you have any idea how many Emmys Oprah Winfrey won before she became "Oprah?" And you were, what, in "Mean Girls?" Oprah was in The Color Purple. And she was nominated for an Oscar. And she still wasn't "Oprah."
Madonna, of course had a head start since she only has one name.

But anyway, let's pretend your accomplishments were actually on a par with these two superstars. Your first name is Lindsey. That's a fairly common name. If you want to have single-name-recognition, you need to have an unusual first name, like, say Oprah. Or Elvis. Or Cher.

Let's take the Beatles for example. There has probably never been abigger star in the music world than Sir Paul McCartney. Besides being a Beatle, he has had an extremely successful solo career. The man is a living legend, but if you say, "I'm listening to a song by Paul," the response is going to be "Paul who?"
On the other hand, if you say "I just got Ringo's new record," Everyone knows who that is, except these damn teenagers, and to hell with them! Ringo was never as big a star as Paul. Either as a Beatle or as a solo artist. But he has an unusual first name. See how it works?

"Many celebrities are known by one name only, and E-Trade is using that knowledge to profit," Ovadia said.

"They used the name Lindsay," Ovadia said. "They're using her name as a parody of her life. Why didn't they use the name Susan? This is a subliminal message. Everybody's talking about it and saying it's Lindsay Lohan."

Oh, yeah. Clearly it's E*Trade's fault that people think of you whenever they see a tragic, underaged drunkard.

Ovadia said E-Trade has violated Lohan's rights under New York state civil-rights law

Civil rights? Violated her civil rights? There is a civil right to not be made fun of? Are you referring to the landmark case of I'm Rubber v. You're Glue?
Seriously, what civil rights could possibly be violated by this law? Even if the drunk baby really is based on Lindsey Lohan, is there some right to not be parodied? Get ready for the case of Everybody Who's Ever Been Famous v. Saturday Night Live!

The lawyer said that since the spot was seen by hundreds of millions of people watching the Super Bowl and Winter Olympics finals, the firm has garnered great profits.

honest to God, if E*Trade's profits went up because of this particular stupid talking baby commercial, If this annoying talking baby commercial was even marginally more successful than all their other annoying talking baby commercials, I will eat my foot!
(For legal purposes, the term "my foot" shall be assumed to be understood as meaning "a ham sandwich")

She says Lohan is owed $50 million in exemplary damages, plus another $50 million in compensatory damages.

E-Trade could not be reached for comment.

They were laughing too hard to hear the phone ring.

Stealing

If you're going to steal, they say, steal from the best.

That's always been sound career advice, and it's why the Black Crowes stole from The Faces, and The Faces stole from the Rolling Stones, and the Rolling Stones stole from EVERYBODY.

So, if you're looking to rip off someone in the competitive world of fashion design, who do you look to?

Lindsay Lohan's best friend stole her top secret clothing designs

Hmm, I'm concerned about your choices.
Make it work!

Really, Lindsay Lohan.

The Lindsay Lohan whose line includes these?

Here's what I've learned from Project Runway:

You want your designs to tell a story about the person who wears them.

I think the story these leggings tell goes a little something like:

Once there was a little girl who became a star for some reason, then she drank a lot and lost her career and now she spends a lot of time on her knees in alleys to make enough money for coke.

So, yeah, I could see where you'd want to steal from Lindsay.

Father of the Year

Micheal Lohan is a scumbag.

The kind of scumbag that looks at his daughter's personal problems and thinks "this oughta be worth some dough."

Here's a picture of him creeping out Kim Kardashian.

Do you know how hard it is to creep out someone who lives with Bruce Jenner?


Anyway, according to the New York Post which, I know, is not exactly a reputable source, but in this case I believe them, Mike has been somehow taping phone conversations between daughter Lindsey and her mother. And trying to sell them.

[Micheal Lohan] at first demanded $100,000 for his story and secret recordings of daughter Lindsay and wife Dina. . . Lohan had been shopping his tapes around TV networks but was turned down, and eventually struck a deal with RadarOnline.com to reveal the tapes for free, followed by a paid interview.

Michael told us that a six-figure demand for the tapes "was a complete lie," but when asked if he was paid for his interview, he said, "That's in the hands of my lawyers. They deal with that."

translation: Hell yeah, I got paid!

So when you get caught doing something that scummy, what do you do? Apologize? Nooooo. Not if you're Mike Lohan. If you're Mike, you go with the self-righteous routine.

He insisted, "This isn't about money or getting paid, it's about saving my daughter."

But hey, I ain't saving her for free, you know! Daddy gots to get paid!

You want to know how serious Mike is about the daughter-saving benefits of releasing her private phone conversations? here's what he has to say about Lindsey's comments regarding her parents' troubled marriage:

"That's a lie. I guess Lindsay is on more drugs than I thought to say something like that. Now I'm going to release more recordings that prove everything she is saying is nothing more than a bunch of lies.

Wow. Seriously, Mike, have you ever heard the expression "be the bigger man?" Just be the bigger man and walk away from the fight? Honestly, you're really the one sounding like a teenage girl whose boyfriend was just stolen by that bitch Megan who thinks she's all that cuz she's a cheerleader and her mom is rich and bought her a car for her birthday, but she's such a slut, I swear to God!

Oh, and speaking of God,

"No wonder why God is taking her entire career away from her," Michael continued. "Because she's forsaken everything He's given her and she's done nothing but misuse all the gifts she's given."

Yeah, seeing as how you're one of the "gifts" the man upstairs has given her, I hope she got the receipt.

See, I don't think it's God that's taking her career away. I think it's the drugs and booze.
And also the utter lack of any discernible talent, but mostly the drugs and booze. And it's probably not God who drover her to drugs and booze. I don't think God cheated on her mother, I don't think God was the alcoholic, unstable male presence in her life. And I''m pretty sure that God isn't feuding publicly with her on the interwebs.
Those are all things that describe you, Micheal. Look, this is what your own daughter has to say about you:

He's a deadbeat dad. He's disgusting to do this. He doesn't deserve attention. He needs help...

"She (Dina) blames herself for staying (with) him for so long, I'd beg her not to leave (because) he always threatened to kill her if she did...after disappearing, then coming home after being gone for several days while cheating on my mother&abusing substances... I haven't had a real relationship (with) Michael Sr. in years. That is the truth."

So, yeah. You're not helping. seriously, all you can do is make things worse. I think you ought to just leave the poor girl alone.
Here are a couple of issues with which you can occupy yourself.

LINDSAY Lohan's sleazebag dad, Michael Lohan, is in trouble again -- this time for allegedly threatening to kill his fiancée and himself when she tried to dump him. Michael was quietly arrested on April 6 for a phone threat cops said he placed to off-again, on-again gal pal Erin Muller, 34, on March 18.

And:

He couldn't have picked a better time for the alleged threat, because terms of his parole ended on Feb. 7. He's due in family court in Westbury today, when he'll have to explain why he's behind in child support -- by $12,000, sources told The Post.

So, go ahead and have the last word, Mike.

"I have more recordings which will further back up what I have said so far. I will release them. I will not stop until Lindsay goes to rehab."

And by "goes to rehab" I of course mean"pays the blackmail money."

Hmm, anything you can say to make it worse?

When you hug her she's like, vacant inside. When she kisses or holds me I get chills, and not in a good way-in a bad way."

Eeewww, when you are speaking of your daughter, you shouldn't have to clarify that the chills she is giving you are "not in a good way." Jeezus, it's not like we think you're John Philips. . . . Ohhhh, shit. You are John Philips, aren't you?

Micheal Lohan

Micheal Lohan, seen here with Stephen Baldwin at an assface convention.

Listen, Mike. Whatever problems your daughter has (and Hoo Lordies, she's got plenty!) are at least 50% your fault. Here is a list of possible courses of action you might take to try and make things slightly better.

1) hang your head in shame.

2) hang yourself in shame.

3) stay the hell out of the public eye.

4) see #2.

But no, you've chosen to actively make things worse. What the hell would motivate you to post shit like this on the interwebs?

While I was enthused that Ali was with Lindsay, rather than SaMANtha, I am torn to see that SaMANtha has once again manipulated Lindsay into leaving her little sister in LA, only to join SaMANtha on another DJ gig in Boston.

Good God, you're clever! I see what you did there, emphasizing the word "MAN" in Samantha to imply that women who are attracted to other women are not really women at all! Give me a minute to roll on the floor. . . .

. . .Ok, I'm back. Ya know what,here's something you might not have thought of. One of those women who loves other women is, um, YOUR DAUGHTER, YOU MORON! Openly mocking your daughter's sexuality in a public forum, hmmm. . . I'm not a father myself, but I'm pretty sure that's the sort of thing that would be described as poor parenting. In fact, I'm pretty sure that fathers are not supposed to humiliate their daughters with open displays of hostility. Well, at least you didn't belittle her spirituality. What? Really? No I haven't seen London newspaper "The daily Mail" recently, why? What does it say?

Lindsay Lohan wants to convert to Judaism to prove her love for Samantha Ronson, according to Page Six:

Lohan flew to London to attend the bar mitzvah of Ronson's half-brother, Joshua. "She's explored the Church of Scientology, she tried kabbalah, and now this. I think it's just another phase," her estranged father Michael Lohan, a born-again minister, told London's Daily Mail.

Ohhh, Mike! Why are you talking to the press? Seriously, just crawl back under whatever rock you crawled out from and leave the poor kid alone.

When a mother or father sees their child in turmoil (losing weight, not working, and purportedly cutting herself) are we supposed to stand by , remain silent and pretend it isn't happening? Or are we suppose to step to the plate and not care what people think, and do something about it?
Well, as you can see, I'm not going to sit back and let it slide.

No, really, let it slide. Seriously. You're not helping.

let me say that I never took a penny for my blog or anything I ever did for any of my children. I did what I did, out of love and concern, regardless of any of your opinions. I did it to help them, advance their careers and give them hope. I taught them that anything is possible if you really want it enough, and that when your heart is in the right place, God will make it all happen!

Um, God called, he said to leave him out of this. He's not taking the fall for this one.

For the record, when it comes to sexual preference, I am not biased.

I don't think you understand what the word "biased" means

.

I am asking everyone out their to intervene in every way possible to help Lindsay, and quite possibly, save her life. Help this wonderful, good hearted and gifted young lady to see what SaMANtha is doing to her and how she is destroying her life.

Yeah, enlist the general public's help in destroying your daughter's relationship. Goddamn, you are one class act!
P.S. I wonder why Lindsey doesn't like men? Just saying.