Third Rate Romance

I got a gift card from a woman at work. A belated valentine, as it were. 

I was not the only one. I'm not her valentine - I have one. ...with a dangling Y chromosome. 

And even if I didn't, this gift would not woo me for attention. 

Sure sure........$20 buys some tequila tacos when / if I ever venture out. I am never turning down "tacos". 

I am just horrified at the candy choice. 

That's not even hyperbole. 

No - I love Jolly Ranchers........but Green Apple?  I mean WT actual F?

Deduction told me I was last - or near last - on her list. Or the least thought of. Either way, it didn't bode well for me. 

IF I could find just cherry Jolly Ranchers, that would be ideal. Watermelon can get mixed in there if need be. But then you start towards "grape".  ....and the candy construct starts to deteriorate quickly. 

Granted, green apple might be above whatever their electric blue looking flavour is. Blueberry?  Let's face it, at best it's as if you were at the eye doctor and deciding between 4 or 5 - and it's "about the same".  Shitty. 

So yes, it is the thought that counts. But the thought was green apple - so they're not good thoughts.....in either direction. 

Song by: Rosanne Cash

Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

For the holidays, 710 got me a device - I don't know what to call it. A hydroponic garden? A kitchen counter herb garden?

Officially, it's called the Click & Go Smart Garden 3. One can grow certain flowers, fruits or herbs in it. 

Allegedly. 

I don't know if you choose which flora you get sent, but I'm assuming you would. I didn't ask. It seemed doubtful we would be growing wild strawberry. 

That's right. Singular. The website doesn't say 'strawberries'. Whichever - we have basil, which is good, because I use that a lot. 

There are Smart Gardens 9 and 27, but my husband doesn't love me that much. It's hard to blame him. I'm a lot. 

So, I'll kind of walk you through it. 

Ya gots the container with the grow light that is angled above it. And a place for tree pods. The bar on the left rises and falls depending on the water content. It basically tells you when to add more water by where it sits. 

Basil was the herb we're doing with. There are three pods in this package. 

Each one goes in its own little cubby. 

The grow light is on for 15 hours (!!!) per day. It takes up a bit of counter space but not tons. 

As you can see from the title image, only two of the three pods have sprouted. We are seeing if the company will give us an additional pod for the foible. 

But the basil is coming along. Oh, and the grow light can move to a higher position to accommodate the growing plant. It's supposed to grow to a decent size. I'll let you know how it turns out. 

Oh, and an aside: After selecting the title / song for this, I did a little wiki'ing on "Two Out of Three". There wasn't much there I didn't know - until I got to the last line..........and it KILLED me (in a good way).

Song by: Meatloaf

Hey, Bobba Needle

It was a gag gift. Kind of. Or supposed to be. Kind of. 

710 likes waffles who am I to deny him that? 

Personally, I can take them of leave them. They're not as good as French Toast, but not nearly as bad as pancakes.  Either way, they make me sleepy. 

It's a lot of carbs. 

I love Star Wars, and 710 likes it, but loves me, so...he wasn't about to say 'no' to a Boba Fett Waffle Iron, was he? 

I cannot state this enough - even if it's the one and only time:  it was a $16 Boba Fett Waffle iron. 

Gag-ish gifts are not meant to come from William Sonoma. 

Yesterday, he made waffles for us. 

Meh 

They're ok. You can't really brown them more than they are. I know is sounds odd, but no better description comes to mind:  waffles should have a certain crispness to them. 

What comes out here is soft and light, more like French Toast than its intended purpose. Only Boba himself gets a bit toasted. The other side is his ship, I'm assuming (though I really don't remember ever seeing it). 

The gift was good for a yuck, but 710 asked later if I'd be offended if he didn't use it again. 

Hardly. 

We have a FB group called 'buy nothing (add in your city/town)'. I've gotten rid of many things there. It's better than throwing it out.  ,,,,,or worse....storing it for the next decade. 

Song: Chubby Checker

My Eyes are T-Shirts

Never let it be said that I don't pay my debts.................eventually. 

I'm sure I still owe a few someones out there a few somethings. Probably cash. Or coke. 

Last week, I said Mike and I had not discussed any type of prize for The 12th Annual Academy Award Guessing Game®   I believe he could have just basked in the glory by itself, but that wasn't really gonna do. 

During the broadcast - at least the part for which I stayed awake - I looked for a prize. And found one. Unfortunately, he found the item as well, which I hoped he would not. He just didn't know it would be the win from our contest. 

As you may remember, we had some good, albeit brief, fun with the Animated Short section. I went with the winner. Mike went with My Year of Dicks.......as I knew he would, as he is predictable that way. 

Upon his win, the next day I contacted Mike's much better half and requested a verification on his shirt size.  I won't divulge it here, as you know how people are about their body size. That's only between his WW coach or every carny on the East coast. ......or Carnie Wilson.....and him.  And me. 

I mean, had the Whale been nominated for Best Pic, just to fuck with him, I'd have gotten him the  XXXXXXXXXXXXL.  I mean, if they're not selling those then what is the point of My 600 lb Life (possibly my autobiography title) and shows like it? 

Ordering didn't go as planned. The site started off with the billing address..........and then it turns out, no shipping address They assume, if you bought it, you want it. 

You know what I didn't want?  To get the shirt and have to go to the fucking post office.............for Mike. Well, for anyone. It's just fun to get in that specific jab. The order, the site, nothing, had any contact information. I didn't even get a confirmation email that might have had the 4-1-1- on where I could reach out to someone. 

Luckily, they have a Twitter handle (which doesn't work for me, since I dumped Elon months back) and one for InstaGram. I reached out via the latter. 

First off, yay they're giving the profits to Texas reproductive rights. I'm going with the baby arm in the title image that maybe their film has something to do with a woman's body not being ruled by white men in government. 

Secondly......Secret Admirer situation !!!  Is it a 'situation'?  Is it 'secret'?   I suppose it could be a situation, but 'admirer' seems like a lot. And I mean, a LOT.  For some reason I upper-cased the F in 'friend'. Isn't that enough? 

Thirdly........I'm part of Team Dicks!   ....and unlike most teams, I didn't even get picked last for this one!! Heck, I might even be able to make team captain..............or at least 'ball boy'.     ......see what I did there??

Naturally, Mike knows this will be a post. Well he knows there IS a post. He can only guess at the content....to a degree. He asked me to be kind.  Actually, he said "If you can't be mind (not MY typo!), at least be funny". 

I promised the latter only. I think I did ok. 

I will await tales of his wearing it to the mall and to Sunday dinner at his mother's house. I'm guessing one more martini and he'll care less and less about where he wears it. 

My debt is paid, even though technically I didn't have one. He won. He deserved it. And unlike the Armie Hammer phone case, hopefully the shirt's creators won't turn into cannibals. 

Song by: Matt Berninger

Give

'Tis the season et al.

To quote Pee-Wee's Christmas Special: "Christmas is the time we should be thinking of others....".

Actually, that time is always, but as we know, that's not always the case. If we truly thought of others year-round, there'd be a lot less people hungry or unclothed year-round. Be it as it may, I assume that charity picks up more around the holidays.

I'm not judging anyone, as it can be the case with myself. I mean, you won't see me drop a dime in the Salvation Army kettle, but that has more to do with their politics regarding anti-LGBTQ things.

Yearly - not at the holidays - we give a donation to a few organizations, be it food banks, our LGBT Center, an animal shelter, and a local organization that deals with at risk children.  For the last few years, the latter organization has been sending me information on getting these kids presents for the holidays.

I've always wanted to, and had never gone through with it. It is not for lack of want for which I have failed. It's the overwhelming nature of the prospect.

At this smallish org, there were 473 boys submitting a wish list and 375 girl !! The question is never about getting them something, it becomes how do you choose which one?  I totally shut down when reading list after list. There is no good way to make a selection, I get overwhelmed and paralyzed.

This year, the link came and I started the shut-down process after an hour of perusing lists. In that hour, I barely scratched the surface of the just the boys lists.  So I sent a text message to the organization's executive director in the best way to select.

This was possibly counterproductive.

Jeffrey told me he picks the ones who needs hats, boots and gloves. That was heartbreaking to me.

And while I get it is a basic need, I hope that is some of what I'm providing for in my annual give. This is a time for celebration for them to get something they could never get any other ways. While gloves probably are practical, they don't scream 'joy'.  I did ask Jeff if all kids got something, or did certain ones go without. He assured me with their corporate sponsors, no kid would go without 'something'. I felt a tad bit better.

With my initial look at the list and the follow-up ones, I kept happening upon two boys. Both the same age, both with the same last initial (they only give first name and initial of last name), both asking for the exact same thing. Going by their first names, I am 99.7% sure they are six year old twins. Knowing I couldn't buy for one and not for the other, I selected them both.

As both wanted the same item, I did break with that. No reason to have two of the same gift, when they could share two separate gifts. I hope I didn't fuck that part up.

There was a suggested price point, one I went above. The known gift came in varieties, so I got the best version. So when I selected a second gift, I kept it around the same price point.  I dropped them off yesterday - which happened to be National Giving Tuesday. The date was purely a coincidence.

So yesterday truly was Giving Tuesday for us.  I dropped off the gifts and made a special contribution to the animal rescue place (which doubled any amount given that day). And we wrote a special check for the Center (the gay one) as well.

While the presents in the pic don't look like a lot, Jeff showed me the big room that is filling up with donations.

While there, I took a pic of me with one of my great-grandfather and sent it to the cousins.

Of course, then, I had to explain to the woman at the desk why I was snapping the pic. She was fascinated that I was related - and then I had to explain the picture next to him was my uncle. She was hoping I knew the third guy, Mr. Saltzman, but alas, I know some from that name, but not that guy.

Anyhoo.....I'm not patting myself on the back publicly here about what we have done or do. I do think it's important to bring forth recognition to help out the less fortunate. One can't give to every organization or every cause they want - but it is important to give back or pay forward.

I'm happily not a member of the GOP who probably wouldn't dare give to the social organizations we do. Lord know this administration will take away what they can. If I could afford to fund every needy child's lunch program, I would in a heartbeat.  But I do what I can - and hopefully you do what you can.

Whatever little you give, is still more than they have.



Song by: Tori Amos

Life is Sweet

I know - it's close to Valentine's Day and you don't know what to get your Boo.

Teddy Bears are passé.  Flowers? They'll die in a few days and be forgotten, save the requisite FB post saying they received them.

If you don't have a reservation to a nice place for dinner - you're too late for that.

Whitman Sampler or Russell Stover heart-shaped boxes of assorted candies that you pick up at Walgreens while getting your Doxycycline prescription? You know those were made July 2014 - right?

Well you might think of getting the love of your life - or your newer significant other a chocolate anus.

Oh, that's right. You heard me. A chocolate pucker.

A better gift has quite possibly never been concocted.

It's probably too late to order one (or more? I mean, who can eat just one?) for this year, but there is always Sweetest Day and / or his or her birthday. I mean, one can never have too many sweet buttholes to savor.

Yes, these are the eternal questions - to lick or bite.

Personally, I don't see why it has to be one or the other. You can do former then the latter. Or you can purchase multiple ones and do both.

You're almost - almost!!! - assured of it being dingleberry free (insert USS Enterprise joke here). I really don't know their quality control process, so one should watch out....you know, just in case.

I also know nothing of their manufacturing and distribution methods, but it is safe to say this gives a whole new meaning to the term 'fudge packer."

And speaking of..........Billy's dad is one.






Song by: Maria McKee

Don't Ask Me to Choose

Yesterday the mailstudman brought me a present. One of my oft used phrases, by way of Lisa Simpson and Ralph Wiggum, on a t-shirt.

...and yes, I've used it at least twice in Valentine posts. And now I have a shirt to go with those posts and fond Simpsons memories.

But it was not from "my beloved" that cho-cho-chose me. Well, maybe it was. I don't know. I'm so confused.

I mean, it was not from the man I've spent the last 20+ years with. You'd think that would be the obvious choice - but that's not how we operate. Unless one of us is traveling and then we might surprise each other with a little gift.

No, it was Rebecca. Maybe she loves me more. {sigh}

How fun!

Way back when "blogging" was new(er), I surprised her with a Blogger t-shirt and mug. I thought it would be fun. This was before WordPress and all the other sites existed. Certainly before more and more people started hosting themselves. ...and it was also before I had a blog.

Anyway, this shirt totally brought a smile to my face. I thought I'd call her immediately and then thought better of it. Not better - but different - of it.

Wouldn't it be more fun....or funner....or funnerer...to log on to my blog and see the shirt you bought someone? and they were wearing it? and they were writing about it? and writing about them?

Of course, I always write about Rebecca. If it weren't for her, I'd only have about 500 entries and not 1500.

The bestest thing about the shirt? It's a Large. Not an Xtra-Large. And it fits. g-d love her for affirming my work-out routine. A risky gamble though. An ill fitting shirt could have sent me into a shame spiral that would last until Friday's happy hour.

I also didn't realize my forearms were that hairy. I look so manly. ....kind of like a certain cab driver in Los Angeles, eh Morty?

Of course, now I feel obligated to get her a t-shirt that says "Look in the tunk".



Song by: Fine Young Cannibals

llamame

Another birthday come and gone. No biggie, right? Right.

I got some nice calls. Some good emails. A few cards. Even some folks at work seemed to know about the day - and clearly passed the word around. That last part didn't go down well with me. Do I really want some guy from IT I barely know coming up to me and wishing me a 'happy birthday'? I don't think so.

I begrudgingly let a few of them take me out to lunch. It was a good salad and I got a piece of cake out of it, so it wasn't all bad. But I really don't like making a big deal about the day - I think I've said that here every year I've had this blog. I mean, I'm ok to do stuff with Denton, but I'm a low key guy when it comes to having attention brought to me that way. Yes - even for a Leo.

I mean - I want attention, but only when I call it to myself. I am a Leo. Not just because I got birthed. Let it be for my superior dancing around the kitchen skills, or my way around an Excel spreadsheet. Yes, I'm a dancing geek.

So, why the "Call Me" header? Because Denton got me the present: iPhone 3G (16 gig!), white back. I was hoping, of course, but who knew?

Well, I did, kind of. He calls me at work to tell me that 'oh, your cell phone isn't currently working. I've had the service cut off.' Since I have Sprint and the iPhones are on AT&T, I kind of figured out he had done something.

Don't go thinking he was being completely altruistic, he got himself one too (black back). Now I just need to figure out how to use it exactly. I mean I know how to answer the phone and dial it, but I have to get my contacts moved over, load my music, set up my email, etc.

I'm quite excited, a little nervous and seemingly somewhat guilty for having such a device. But I am thrilled to be getting rid of my Treo and Sprint. The only two places I couldn't use it: home and work. ZERO signal. None. It was so frustrating.

I know Becky and Andrew love theirs, so it must be good.

Oh, and I'll be able to blog from it and Twitter away, I guess. There will be no stopping me!!!!


Song by: Blondie (Spanish version, 'natch!)
which btw, is comical because about the only two words they don't sing in Spanish are 'Call Me'.