OBSCENE HOUSE (1969) ** ½

Four naked women lay in bed and proceed to get nipple to nipple while the narrator makes cheeky comments about business and industry.  (Of course, she’s referring to the world’s oldest profession.)  After about fifteen minutes of hot lesbian action, the narrator is revealed to be none other than “Fat Mama”, the girls’ 400 lbs. madam.  (Imagine if Divine was born a biological woman and that might give you an idea of her stature.)  Soon, male clients arrive to the house, and Fat Mama has the girls line up for inspection before they are paired off for some hanky-panky. 

The production values of Obscene House leave something to be desired.  The sound drops out constantly, several actresses stand around awkwardly at the beginning of scenes waiting for the director to yell “Action!”, and they stare directly at the camera while doing the horizontal mambo.  That said, the color cinematography is surprisingly good, especially considering the film looks like a cross between a stag loop and someone’s home movies.  The narration is essentially a one-joke premise as Fat Mama brings all the innuendo back to running a small business.  It isn’t exactly “funny”, but it’s more fun than say, taking business classes down at the community college. 

While the opening lesbian orgy starts things off with a bang (literally), I will say the scenes of the hookers and their Johns aren’t nearly as hot.  That’s not to say they aren’t memorable.  The three-way scene is especially odd.  There’s a bit where a gal deep throats her client’s hand that is rather strange.  (She also really seems to be into palm licking.)  I guess they couldn’t get away with showing actual hardcore action, so this was presented as a substitute.  It also helps that the girls are all pretty sexy (aside from Big Mama, of course), although the actress with the best chest has the worst teeth.  (Fortunately, she didn’t show off her oral know-how or there could’ve been bloodshed.)

Despite the title, the hand sucking scene is about as “obscene” as this one gets.  It’s a watchable enough effort for the most part. The quirky elements are enough to guarantee that you won’t forget it any time soon.  Whether or not it’s a “good” movie is an entirely different matter.

SCARLET WARNING 666 (1974) NO STARS

You know the term “Stream of Consciousness”?  Scarlet Warning 666 might be the first Stream of Unconsciousness movie.  It is the mad cinematic ramblings of a filmmaker who has no idea what he’s doing and just keeps filling the picture with more… stuff.  It’s a movie so befuddling to an audience that it probably only makes sense to one person:  Director/writer/star/musician Palmer Rockey. 

Say what you will about Neil Breen and Tommy Wiseau.  Even though their films are largely ego-stroking diasterpieces, they still can make a movie that has a plot that goes from A to B (more or less).  The same can’t be said for Rockey.  You never know who’s doing what or where they are in conjunction to other characters or even what’s going on with the plot (or what passes for plot in this movie).  So please excuse me if I refrain from featuring the customary plot summary in this review as words like “plot” only exist as the vaguest of notions in Rockey’s world. 

I have a spray bottle by my couch that I use on my cats.  Whenever they do something wrong like claw the furniture or try to jump on the bookcase, I squirt them.  If I sprayed the movie every time Palmer Rockey did something wrong, I would’ve short-circuited my television and flooded out the Man Cave before the second act. 

The behind-the-scenes drama is a lot more interesting than what occurs on screen.  Apparently Rockey mooched off his wife so he could make this thing.  When it was laughed off the screen at the premiere, he went back and re-edited it and added new footage along with narration insulting the critics who dared to… uh… criticize his lack of talent.  (“Flick you!”  “What’s that mean?”  “It means knock it off, Cletus!”)

Since Rockey kept adding bits over the course of a decade, he visibly ages and changes from scene to scene.  He also plays his own twin brother, but it’s all so incoherent you probably won’t even pick up on it till the movie’s halfway over.  Sure, there’s some genuinely strange imagery along the way, like when the cult of bikini-clad women tortures our hero on a spiked wheel.  You might not make it that far though. 

The movie also boasts that this was the first time that the star performed “54” roles on screen and off in a motion picture.  To say Rockey was spread thin is a massive understatement.  Yes, he did 54 jobs on the film, but he did a terrible fucking job at each and every one of them.  I guess if you’re in the record books, they can’t take that away from you; even if it’s for all the wrong reasons. 

I’m giving this NO STARS mostly as an attention-getter.  For sheer entertainment value, it’s probably worth a *** rating as it’s ultimately too long (107 minutes) and can’t consistently maintain its WTF momentum.   Be sure, I laughed long and hard during the film and doubted my sanity at least four or five times, which is quite a feat in itself.  However, believe me when I tell you that speaking strictly in terms of technical merit, screenwriting, acting, direction, and general competence, Scarlet Warning 666 is the worst movie I have ever seen. 

AKA:  It Happened One Weekend.  AKA:  It Happened One Sunday.  AKA:  Love is Deep Inside.  AKA:  Rockey’s Style.  AKA:  Scarlet Love.  AKA:  Scarlet Love 666. 

MY PLEASURE IS MY BUSINESS (1975) **

Remember all those Happy Hooker movies from the ‘70s?  They were based on the books by real-life hooker Xaviera Hollander and caused a minor scandal back in the day.  While Hollywood was in the process of churning out the first adaptation of The Happy Hooker starring Lynn Redgrave, Canada was busy making this flick with the real Xaviera in her first and only starring role. 

Xaviera stars as a porn star named Gabriele who has had numerous affairs with several politicians.  Fearing she could potentially ruin their careers, they get together and run her out of America.  The fictional country of Gestalt is the only nation who will offer her asylum, mostly because the crooked dictator thinks her arrival will draw attention away from his shady dealings. 

This is a fairly weak sex farce, but the participation of Hollander makes it notable.  The title sequence is fun as Xaviera’s plane is denied access to several countries as she is deemed “too sexy” to land.  After that, it’s basically a collection of half-hearted subplots strung together. 

Most of the humor is unfunny, but it’s nothing too painful (aside from some lame gay stereotypes).  There are some oddball asides (like the “International Detective” who has his own theme song) and at least one amusing sight gag.  However, there’s way too much time spent on a dumb bicycle chase.  Also, the movie ends with a pie fight, which should really tell you something. 

It’s hard to imagine why Xaviera didn’t become a B-movie star as she’s pretty good in this.  She looks the part and is quite sexy.  Heck, she probably could’ve played herself in The Happy Hooker movie (or at least in one of the sequels).  Maybe the thought was her accent was too thick for some viewers, but I didn’t mind it.  If only her brief topless scenes had better staging.  (She spends way too much time with her back to the camera.) 

Ultimately, My Pleasure is My Business is an OK slice of softcore hokum.  Your average moviegoer will likely be unamused, but it’ll be worth watching if you’re a fan of the Happy Hooker movies.  I can’t guarantee you’ll be as happy as Xaviera though. 

ALL THE YOUNG WIVES (1973) **

Big Jim (Jerry Richards) is a wealthy man who goes out hunting quail with some friends at a wilderness lodge.  He feigns an injury so he can go back to the lodge and make time with his buddy’s hot wife.  Meanwhile, at home, Big Jim’s lonely, frustrated wife Melody (Linda Cook) starts making eyes at Sam (Edmund Genest), his horse trainer.  Before long, Sam’s teaching her how to ride bareback, if you know what I mean. 

This was sold as a sexploitation flick, but it’s more of a relationship drama that’s occasionally gussied up by a smattering of skin.  The drama isn’t really strong enough to make up for the lack of T & A, but it’s decent enough to keep you watching.  The unnecessary subplots don’t help matters though.  The stuff involving Big Jim’s buddy embezzling from him really slows things down.  The business with Sam secretly breeding a racehorse under Big Jim’s nose works slightly better, and the horse race finale is good for a laugh as it plays like a no-budget version of the chariot race in Ben-Hur. 

The biggest problem with All the Young Wives is its misleading title.  There are only two of them.  (I guess three, if you count the black chick Big Jim picks up, but she isn’t married.)  It honestly needed at least two or three more young wives in the mix, if you ask me.  Heck, I would’ve even taken a middle aged one as long as she was hot to trot.  Linda Cook is pretty good as Melody though.  She later provided the voice for Leech Woman in Puppet Master. 

Speaking of people who went on to bigger and better things, the film’s writer and director, William Diehl later became an acclaimed novelist and two of his books, Sharkey’s Machine and Primal Fear, were adapted into hit movies. 

AKA:  Naked Rider.  AKA:  You All Come.

Don’t forget, you can order my latest book, The Video Vacuum Strikes Back here: https://www.amazon.com/Video-Vacuum-Strikes-Back-ebook/dp/B0H2BWQCRQ/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2349LP809O62V&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.J8MqaHbH_3KpC7JF37KRdjV_VBqL8oKOj6_BN5h8lkFjqCkhGgf1m54dMzaXfzSSQCu43U9GbiyOQkPlEtHTYmSUbaJC9ZkJdHc-cNLnswSn5JCsTz8Cj6c8rx0H2NfC.SkpsN9r_jraGLKheDjjWBnG5ZAWz_6GGYgkFxbzQkfM&dib_tag=se&keywords=mitch+lovell&qid=1787085529&sprefix=mitch+lovell%2Caps%2C599&sr=8-1

MITCH'S LATEST BOOK--THE VIDEO VACUUM STRIKES BACK! ON SALE NOW!

I guess you guys and gals have been wondering where the heck I’ve been.  Well, I’ve been busy putting the finishing touches on my latest book, The Video Vacuum Strikes Back!  And good news… It’s available for purchase on Amazon.  Did you ever want a book that contains whole chapters devoted to such film franchises such as The Curse and Witchcraft series?  Well, here it is!  Did you ever wish for a book that had chapters on the works of Jim Wynorski AND Orson Welles?  This is the book for you! 

In fact, here’s the Table of Contents, which includes the complete list of movies featured in the book:

TABLE OF CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER 1:  THE WITCHCRAFT SERIES

WITCHCRAFT  (1989), WITCHCRAFT 2:  THE SEDUCTRESS, WITCHCRAFT 3:  THE KISS OF DEATH, WITCHCRAFT 4, WITCHCRAFT 5:  “DANCE WITH THE DEVIL”, WITCHCRAFT 6:  THE DEVIL’S MISTRESS, WITCHCRAFT 7, WITCHCRAFT 8:  SALEM’S GHOST, WITCHCRAFT 9:  BITTER FLESH, WITCHCRAFT:  MISTRESS OF THE CRAFT, WITCHCRAFT 11:  SISTERS IN BLOOD, WITCHCRAFT 12:  IN THE LAIR OF THE SERPENT, WITCHCRAFT 13:  BLOOD OF THE CHOSEN, WITCHCRAFT 14:  ANGEL OF DEATH, WITCHCRAFT 15:  BLOOD ROSE, WITCHCRAFT 16:  HOLLYWOOD COVEN

CHAPTER 2:  “ROWDY” RODDY PIPER

BACK IN ACTION, IMMORTAL COMBAT, TOUGH AND DEADLY, SCI-FIGHTERS, DEAD TIDES, FIRST ENCOUNTER, MARKED MAN, THE BAD PACK, LAST TO SURRENDER, JACK OF HEARTS

CHAPTER 3:  KILLER SHARKS

MAKO:  JAWS OF DEATH, THE LAST SHARK, JAWS 3-D, SHARK ATTACK 2, SHARK ATTACK 3:  MEGALODON, MEGA SHARK VS. MECHA SHARK, SHARKNADO 2:  THE SECOND ONE, SHARKTOPUS VS. PTERACUDA, MEGA SHARK VS. KOLOSSUS, SHARK LAKE, SHARKNADO 3:  OH HELL NO!, THE SHALLOWS, USS INDIANAPOLIS:  MEN OF COURAGE, 47 METERS DOWN, DEEP BLUE SEA 2, THE MEG

CHAPTER 4:  KLAUS KINSKI

THE GREAT SILENCE, BLACK KILLER, HIS NAME WAS KING, AGUIRRE, THE WRATH OF GOD, THERE’S A NOOSE WAITING FOR YOU TRINITY, FITZCARRALDO, BURDEN OF DREAMS, CRAWLSPACE, COBRA VERDE

CHAPTER 5:  CLASSIC COMEDY TEAMS

HOLD EM JAIL, LOST IN A HAREM, NO HOLDS BARRED, SNOW WHITE AND THE THREE STOOGES

CHAPTER 6:  JIM WYNORSKI

THE LOST EMPIRE, THE HAUNTING OF MORELLA, HARD BOUNTY, THE ASSAULT, DEMOLITION HIGH, MILITIA, GARGOYLE:  WINGS OF DARKNESS, THE BARE WENCH PROJECT:  THE FINAL CHAPTER, CRASH LANDING, SHOCKWAVE, BONE EATER, POPATOPOLIS, GILA!

CHAPTER 7:  ORSON WELLES

OTHELLO, MR. ARKADIN, FALSTAFF (CHIMES AT MIDNIGHT), A SAFE PLACE, DON QUIXOTE, NECROMANCY, SOMEONE TO LOVE, THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WIND, THEY’LL LOVE ME WHEN I’M DEAD

CHAPTER 8:  WALKING TALL

WALKING TALL  (1973), PART 2:  WALKING TALL:  THE LEGEND OF BUFORD PUSSER, FINAL CHAPTER:  WALKING TALL, A REAL AMERICAN HERO, WALKING TALL (2004), WALKING TALL:  THE PAYBACK, WALKING TALL:  LONE JUSTICE

CHAPTER 9:  FRED WILLIAMSON

BLACK EYE, BOSS, BLIND RAGE, VIGILANTE, 1990:  THE BRONX WARRIORS, SODA CRACKER, CROOKED, VEGAS VAMPIRES

CHAPTER 10:  THE CURSE SERIES

THE CURSE, CURSE 2:  THE BITE, CURSE 3:  BLOOD SACRIFICE, CATACOMBS

CHAPTER 11:  BILL PAXTON

THE LORDS OF DISCIPLINE, RIDING FAST, PASS THE AMMO, BACK TO BACK, BRAIN DEAD, THE LAST OF THE FINEST, MONOLITH, THE LAST SUPPER, MIGHTY JOE YOUNG, THUNDERBIRDS

If you want to read more, head over to Amazon and order your copy NOW: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=mitch+lovell&crid=2349LP809O62V&sprefix=mitch+lovell%2Caps%2C599&ref=nb_sb_ss_p13n-expert-pd-ops-ranker_1_12

And here’s a handy link to order more of my books:  https://www.amazon.com/s?k=mitch+lovell&crid=1N559CKWVCAQ&sprefix=mitch+love%2Caps%2C438&ref=nb_sb_ss_p13n-expert-pd-ops-ranker_1_10

I should be back to my normal routine of reviewing on the site very soon.  Until then, keep it weird!

MITCH APPEARS ON THE DTVC PODCAST!

I was once again fortunate to be a guest on Matt’s DTVC Podcast. On this episode, our topic of discussion was Neil Breen’s masterpiece, Fateful Findings.  This was arguably my favorite episode to record, and I hope you have as much fun listening to it as I had talking about it.  You can (fateful) find that discussion here:  https://creators.spotify.com/pod/profile/dtvc-podcast/episodes/DTVC-Podcast-275--Fateful-Findings-e3n9ors

THE CONTRACTOR (2022) **

Chris Pine stars as a soldier who gets kicked out of the Army for juicing.  Facing insurmountable debt, he decides the only way he can feed his family is to go to work for Kiefer Sutherland doing shady Black Ops shit.  Well, wouldn’t you know it?  Shit goes down on Pine’s first mission, and he is predictably double-crossed.  He then has to go after the people who set him up and make sure they don’t go after his family either. 

The Contractor reunites the stars of Hell or High Water, Chris Pine and Ben Foster.  That’s about where the comparisons end.  If you go into this expecting a film half as good as that one, you’re going to be severely disappointed. 

Director Tarik Saleh’s motive seems to be take a solemn action movie and dress it up like a dramatic character study.  This works in the first act as this stretch is full of mundane scenes of the hero’s home life that look like they came out of an independent drama.  Sadly, the action scenes are handled in the same mundane manner.  That means they never really heat up or cause your pulse to quicken because they are staged in such a disinterested way. 

The dull scenes of Pine gathering intel, staking out his targets, and getting into fisticuffs and shootouts might’ve worked had they been done with a little bit of style, but the film looks and feels more like a Prime original TV show than a feature.  I appreciate the fact they were trying to do a stripped-down version of a tried-and-true story.  Honestly, unless you have some style or substance to back up the lack of depth, you’re not left with very much I’m afraid. 

Even the script feels like a lukewarm first draft.  The biggest surprise in the third act is that the only surprise they could manage would only surprise someone who’d never seen a movie before.  I’d call it “by the numbers”, but that would be an insult to numbers. 

Pine’s charisma does all the heavy lifting here.  His performance is really the only thing worth a damn in the film.  (Although Foster isn’t bad either.)  When the script, direction, and action are all subpar, he’s pretty much the whole show.  Unless you’re dying to see every movie in his filmography, I’d say this one is easily skippable.