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341 pages, Kindle Edition
First published December 4, 2012
Back in the present day everyone is preparing for the Desperate-Plot-Stretching-Cruise they’ve all decided to take, and referencing on-trend things like Dr Who and such. There’s also the matter of Tabitha, the girl who they murdered ages ago but nobody has bothered to investigate properly. Emily rehashes all her many problems before spotting a pretty girl and deciding that none of them matter. Spencer, Aria and Hanna all have boyfriends. The teens are all waited on hand-and-foot, eat luxury organic food and once more listen to the only Caribbean music Shepard is aware of, Bob Marley. Nothing happens except for the appearance of many banners bearing eco-messages and people imagining they can hear A#3 laughing behind doors which they then don’t open.
The girl Emily has instantly fallen in love with turns out to be Jordan, a stowaway who bypassed the only-just-mentioned tight security and ended up hiding in Emily’s cupboard, along with the cosmetics she stole in order to not go without re-applying make-up for more than 3 hours. Spencer is doing the “jealous (ex-) girlfriend” storyline this time around. Aria somehow manages to end up having to do a Scavenger Hunt with Tabitha (the maybe-dead-maybe-Ali girl)’s boyfriend, which is pretty bad luck. Joining in the stupid coincidences, Hanna is busy making her usual suddenly-becoming-best-friends-with-her-worst-enemy mistake when she realises that old foe Naomi is the cousin of Madison, the girl from the prologue’s Stupid Car Incident, which A#3 now knows about for obvious reasons. Hanna therefore assumes Naomi is A#3, which of course means she definitely isn’t. Aria instead believes that the culprit is Tabitha’s ex, Graham, which gets him off the hook too.
Aria decides that the best way to assuage her guilt about killing Tabitha is to hang around with her boyfriend, pretend to sympathise with him and manipulate his love-life whilst not revealing that she is in fact the killer. This sounds more like the behaviour of a gloating sociopath, but it does allow her to discover that Tabitha was committed to the same unlikely mental institution as Alison, Courtney, Hanna and any other teenage girl whose family wanted rid of them. Hanna & Aria swap suspicious re:A#3, which doesn’t make either suspect any more likely. Emily and her new girlfriend steal a boat. Spencer is pushed into a pool by Naomi because she’s jealous of her boyfriend, but said boyfriend doesn’t seem bothered, much as I myself am not bothered. There are a lot of conversations, not one even slightly realistic.
It suddenly turns out that A#3 has some very unlikely photos of Aria killing Tabitha, taken from who-knows-what cliff-top vantage point. They are also magic photos that can’t be deleted from phones. Equally suddenly Emily realises that Jordan is actually the 18-year-old master-thief Katherine DeLong, whose escape from custody was clumsily mentioned in the first chapter. She instantly dumps her by text, presumably desperate to escape such a terrible storyline ASAP. Ten minutes later she is considering running away with her to Thailand and living as conwomen fugitives from the law, because why not? Spencer decides to dump her boyfriend too, just in case the unidentified A#3 is in love with him, but then can’t be bothered. Noel gives Aria a mysterious locket he found washed up on the beach, and Aria thinks he has seen it somewhere before but can’t quite remember where because she’s not smart. A#3 keeps sending everyone texts referencing events moments after they occur, but somehow remains completely unseen. Despite everything, the girls insist on wasting time practising a Hula routine for the talent competition which nobody could care less about.
To fill in time Hanna has another of her annoying dreams, featuring the whole Madison thing rehashed and the return of Alighost. Then she finds a hand-written note from A#3 but declines to trace the limited amount of potential sources, instead panicking like a baby. Spencer decides she can be bothered to dump her boyfriend after all, which serves him right since he is entirely puzzled by her not unjustified fears that someone is trying to hurt her despite the fact that an entire TV movie has been made about the time her supposed friend secretly tried to destroy her, which might help to explain why she’s a bit more edgy than the average girl. Meanwhile Tabitha’s ex is now in love with Aria, having spent more than 10 minutes with her. I’m writing this even before it’s actually “revealed” in the text, since it’s so obvious I can’t be bothered waiting. Also we learn that Aria takes an hour to “freshen up”, which seems excessive. How filthy is she usually?
Aria finally realises that Graham is in love with her, although manages to not cotton-on to the locket thing immediately, possibly because she is distracted fretting over whether she has accidentally “led him on”. PLL gender politics haven’t changed. Emily decides she is going to run away and live forever in a magically-funded dream-holiday paradise with a girl she has known for less than a week, but 5 minutes later Jordan jumps overboard and disappears. Spencer and Hanna search Naomi’s room and find chewing-gum and baby-oil, these highly suspicious items proving the case against her as a stalker. Each communiqué from A#3 features a worse pun than the last. Very little development seems to occur, and the only upcoming storyline to hang the finale on is the talent show, which isn’t encouraging. I consider giving up. Spencer does nearly die in scuba-diving incident, but since the four Mimsy Little Airheads are immortal for plot purposes this creates very little tension.
Eventually Aria discovers the locket secret by falling over and smashing it open by accident. It’s even worse than it promised – not only is the locket obviously Tabitha’s but it contains a picture of her and Alison, who were apparently best friends due to the force of ridiculous coincidence. Unless she was best friends with Courtney, who seems to have been rather forgotten even though she was just as likely as Alison to be friends with some random lunatic. Aria responds to this by running around the ship like a shrieking lunatic, drowning out Graham with her screeching and the ships engines in order that she can fail to hear some vital information he is attempting to impart to her.
The dramatic climax occurs when a boiler suddenly explodes only a few feet from Aria without hurting her. The explosion is nonetheless so serious that it necessitates the evacuation of an entire massive luxury cruise liner. In a display of astounding stupidity the girls decide to steal a lifeboat, row to a cave famous for its scuba-diving opportunities, and hide Tabitha’s necklace underneath some coral. Why the hell this plan would even occur to anyone, let alone seems sensible to four people, is unfathomable. Despite the difficulty of launching a lifeboat without training and equipment, the cruise staff and FBI agents who surround them and the fact that they are actually witnessed by potential A#3 Naomi they still go through with this plan. Even more stupidly all four of them decide to get into the water even though only Spencer is actually diving, which inevitably means that their raft has been sabotaged by the time they return. Just once couldn’t my worst fears about the predictable nonsensicality of the plot turn out to be unfounded?
The highlight of the book comes when the girls, in a sudden moment of clarity, realise the true horror of their ceaseless cycling through the same plotlines and unlikely murders, forever tormented by yet another incarnation of A, never to break free. Realising that there is no other escape for either characters or readers, they briefly contemplate surrendering to fate and slipping quietly to their death beneath the indifferent waves. Tragically at the last moment they form a power circle and are saved by the power of friendship, which conjures up a boat crewed by all the major characters plus Jeremy the cruise ship organiser.
Once rescued Hanna confesses to Naomi for no reason other than the end of the book is drawing near, and realises that she isn’t A#3. She also realises that the person who tried to kill her in the prologue is probably the same person who tried to kill her all those other times, A. Quick thinking Hanna. The only actual consequence of the prologue is that she loses the friendship of Naomi, which lasted about 6 hours in real time and consisted in its entirety of conversations about shoes. Graham is now in a coma. Emily goes home and it turns out her parents love her again. Jordan is revealed to still be alive, which means we’ll have to hear about her in another book. Another man turns out to have been in the boiler room at the time of the explosion, and I’m going to go ahead and assume it was Jeremy since he’s been mentioned in every chapter without having done anything and he inexplicably started acting in an evil manner at his last appearance. As the book concludes the girls drone on incessantly about how they’re about to hand themselves in, although they aren’t committed enough to the idea to tell anyone else or say their goodbyes to the friends and relatives they’ll miss so terribly. Then at the last minute an oddly late autopsy report shows that Tabitha didn’t die from the fall, but from being beaten at close range. I’m starting to lose track, but this seems to be roughly the third autopsy she’s had now, which seems a bit unorthodox. Although not as unorthodox as the lead detective calling back someone who claims to have information about a murder whilst he is live on air. So it turns out that the girls haven’t killed anyone this cycle. They did semi-cripple a girl, but no-one even knows her so that’s fine. They all simultaneously realise who the killer was all along: yes, A, the person who keeps trying to kill everyone. Of course! Then A sends a handily timed text to confirm this, only moments after they’ve reached their shocking conclusion. Also A threatens to kill them all, but since this has been the driving force of all 12 books so far I’m hardly shocked. And that’s actually the end.
Most Ill-Thought-Through Attempt to Be Environmentally Friendly
“the Rosewood Day Prep Eco Cruise to the Caribbean”
“ ““I still iron my jeans sometimes,” Spencer admitted, then felt a little self-conscious for saying so.”“
“ “A silver ankle bracelet, which struck Aria as both bohemian and Shakespearian”“
“ “People in comas didn’t send texts.”“