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452 pages, Hardcover
First published April 1, 2014
“Oz has changed,” Gert said. “The trees don’t talk. The Pond of Truth tells lies, the Wandering Water stays put. The Land of Naught is on fire. People are starting to get old. People are forgetting how it used to be.”But let's get back to the beginning, what the fuck happened?! How did Oz get to...this?
Tornado or no tornado, I wasn’t Dorothy, and a stupid little storm wasn’t going to change anything for me.Amy Gumm is white trash. She lives in a trailer in Kansas, with a drug-addict mom, no dad, and no future. She's stuck with her mom's pet rat named Star that, with her luck, might turn out to be Peter Pettigrew in the long run (I'm just kidding). Life fucking sucks. So when a tornado warning is announced, Amy doesn't really care. What's the worst it could do? Kill her? Life sucks, remember, so who cares about dying? Until well, shit, the tornado actually happens. Hint: it really sucks to be airborne in a metal trailer.
My stomach dropped and kept dropping. I felt my body getting heavier, my back plastered to the cushions now, and suddenly—with a mix of horror and wonder—I knew that I was airborne.She lands, thankfully intact, but it soon became very clear that she's not in Kansas anymore.
The trailer was flying. I could feel it.
“Welcome to Oz,” the boy said, nodding, like he expected I’d figured that out already. It came out sounding almost apologetic, like, Hate to break the bad news.And yes, Oz is bad news. Cause this ain't your grandmother's Oz. That cute little film with the pretty pretty verdant land of Oz? Nope. This Oz is more post-apocalyptic than fairy-tale.
A vast field of decaying grass stretched into the distance. It was gray and patchy and sickly, with the faintest tinge of blue. On the far side of the pit was a dark, sinister-looking forest, black and deep. The air, the clouds, even the sun, which was shining bright, all had a faded, washed-out quality to them. There was something dead about all of it.After some mysterious parting words, the boy disappears, leaving poor Amy wondering what the actual fuck just happened? So she's alone in a strange land, cute boys appear and disappear out of nowhere. There's a yellow brick road. Should Amy make like Dorothy and follow Der Yellow Brick Road? *angelic choir sings AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH~*
I knew the answer already: what I was going to do next was the same thing I’d been doing my whole life.Fuck, no!! This girl's got some common sense. She doesn't want to go wandering into a nuclear wasteland-Oz. Amy runs away! Bah, unfortunately, there's really nowhere else to go. I mean, think about it, you can either follow the ONE BRIGHT THING in this dilapidated world, or you can go wandering off to fuck-knows-where in the dark scary totally creepy mysterious forest with man-eating corn stalks.
I turned back. Just put one foot in front of the other. Nothing had changed except the color of the road.
Before I could even touch it, a black vine sprung up from the ground and curled around my arm like a whip, squeezing tight. It burned.*snorts* And I thought High Fructose Corn Syrup was bad.
Other than the twitching, [her lips] didn’t move. At all. Even when she talked.Ok, so there really ARE munchkiins! Hooray! Except they're really sad munchkins, and to be fair, you would be too if your fellow Munchkins were being imprisoned and made to work their ass off to generate magic all damn day. And the monkeys, the flying monkeys. Fuck, they're now imprisoned, and some of them have had to take drastic actions.
“What’s with her mouth?” I asked Star under my breath.
I jumped when an actual voice answered in a hoarse whisper from behind me.
“(A) it’s PermaSmile, and (B) are you out of your dumbass mind?”
“Don’t mind those,” he explained, seeing the look of confusion on my face. “That’s just where my wings used to be. Before I cut them off.”So yeah, clearly Oz sucks now. So what happened?!
“They talk about Oz where I’m from. I’ve heard about it my whole life. But this is messed up. What happened here?”Oh, Dorothy. The lovely Dorothy. The crazy as shit Dorothy. You know that saying about power going to people's head? Yeah. That's what happened. Dorothy got more cray-cray over the years, and now she's imprisoning people, making poor munchkins work, enslaving flying monkeys, forcing everyone to wear Perma-Smiles like :DDDDDDDDDDD!!1!!1 every fucking day. And it's up to Amy to save them all.
Indigo’s impassive face twisted into a snarl. “Dorothy happened,” she said.
"That’s why you’re here. We need you to stop her.”That's right! You tell them, Amy. I'd run away too. Screw this destiny shit. But there's a sect of people, the Order of the Wicked whose plans are to restore Oz to its former glory. Dorothy has stolen Oz's magic, and they want Amy's help to restore it. So what do they want Amy to do?
I sat up straight. I didn’t know the first thing about magic. I didn’t know the first thing about Dorothy. “Me? I just got here. How am I supposed to stop anyone from doing anything?”
“Simple. You’re going to kill her.” She looked right at me and said, “Dorothy must die.”MWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA YES KILL THAT BITCH.
“It’s your choice,” he said. “It’s not magic that makes you who you are. It’s the choices that you make. Look at Dorothy.”The Setting: Just fantastic. This is Tim Burton's Oz.
“What about Dorothy?”
“That’s exactly what makes Dorothy evil.”
His oversize jaw jutted out from the rest of his face in a nasty underbite, revealing a mess of little blades where his teeth should have been.The Scarecrow? The Lion? Not these versions. The Lion and his army of rabid animals (including a giant fucking murderous bunny) will eat you up. Get ready because people will die.
“You asked why they work for her,” she said. “You asked why the Munchkins don’t just tell Glinda to fuck off and take her machine somewhere else.”They cannot stand up against the power of those with magic. Hell, even the trees aren't allowed to be happy.
“Yeah. I was wondering that. Maybe it was stupid of me.”
“It was,” Indigo said, shooting me an annoyed look. “Do you think they have a choice?"
“Did that tree just move?”Dorothy: My one complaint here is that Dorothy looks like a slut. Really, was it necessary to have Dorothy the Evil resemble a street walker? But man, her appearance is deceiving.
“They talk, too, but they’ve taken a vow of silence.”
“Voluntarily?”
“The princess felt that their conversation ruined the apple-eating experience and was therefore a violation of the Happiness Decree.”
Instead of farm-girl cotton it was silk and chiffon. The cut was somewhere between haute couture and French hooker. The bodice nipped, tucked, and lifted. There was cleavage.Don't be fooled by her appearance, Dorothy is twisted. It takes brains and manipulation and power to get as far as she did in the land of Oz. She commands her minions, the Tin Woodman, the Scarecrow, Glinda...etc, and they, in turn, command their own army. Dorothy may be vain, but power gets to people's head, and before you know it, they turn crazy. And yep, that's what happened. I'm not fond of the fact that Dorothy is pictured to be so vain, but underneath all that, there's sheer madness. And I can totally understand why she hates Amy so much.
Lots of cleavage.
Dorothy’s face was burning with aggrieved rage. “I am the only one. There can only be one.”She loves torturing animals, and there was a scene involving a mouse that was truly painful to read. Look up psychopath, that's Dorothy in a nutshell.
My gut twisted. I understood. We had the same story. It was like we were wearing the same dress to the prom. Dorothy thought her landing here was fate—that it made her special. Another girl from Kansas meant that it was just a regular occurrence and that she wasn’t special at all. Or—worse—that I was here to take her place.
Why did I hesitate? Was I that weak?I understand perfectly. I'm a wimp. I like the normal, the routine, if you hand me a Special Destiny, fuck no, you can take my destiny and you can have it. I just want to read books and be mean.
I told myself that I didn’t want to ruin the Order’s plans—they’d told me to wait—but I knew that wasn’t entirely it. I’d chickened out.
I sliced diagonally across his chest and then drew the knife out only to plunge it right back in, drawing an X along his left side with the blade.Final comments: Reader beware that this is the first installment in the series, so expect a lot of world building, a lot of plot development, but not a lot of resolution. This book is a setup for the eventual showdown.
--- You win extra points if pages and pages have been spent on the boring scenes full of whiny inner monologue (oh, that unavoidable staple of first-person narration!), but the actually interesting bits are skipped over, and suddenly you realize that the regular girl from Kansas has suddenly become a witchcraft savant without apparently putting more effort into it than a few clumsily constructed fighting scenes that appear to be written by someone who only has a very theoretical idea of fighting.
“You’ve gotten so much better. It’s not just the magic. It’s the rest of it. I don’t even think you know you’re doing it. The way you move; the way you think on your feet. You’ve gotten so good so fast. You’re a natural, you know.”-- 3) While you're at it, why don't you throw in some requisite stereotypes about women? Here are some suggestions:
"Instead of farm-girl cotton it was silk and chiffon. The cut was somewhere between haute couture and French hooker. The bodice nipped, tucked, and lifted. There was cleavage.Because, clearly, provocatively dressing and being evil is closely related. Because good girls clearly would never dare to wear revealing clothes. Because hypersexualized evil is so much worse and easier identifiable than the same evil dressed demurely. The sad thing is that this book, while stooping to slut-shaming, tries to project the opposite:
Lots of cleavage."
“I hate to break it to you, but just because someone has pretty hair and good skin tone and a crown instead of a pointy hat doesn’t mean she’s not the baddest bitch this side of the Emerald City.”(B) Introducing petty jealousy among women, centered at the whatever boy they find attractive. Because, as books tell us, women have to be in constant competition for male attention, regardless of the context and situation. Like this bit, where Amy meets a wounded girl to whom her love interest seems to pay some attention, because priorities, clearly:
"Being abandoned with no explanation didn’t bother me. What bothered me, suddenly, surprisingly, was how much more Nox cared about helping this other girl.”Or the bit where our lovely protagonist's hostility towards another woman is triggered without any cause - except for the 'culprit' being another woman, therefore another potential competitor for the precious boy. This particular side character serves no other purpose in this book other than the jealousy bit:
“Something about the way Melindra flicked open her metal lashes reminded me of Madison back home. Like she already hated me and we hadn’t even met yet.”Good thing the noble love interest has eyes only for our lovely heroine who's better than anyone else:
“Nox returned, handing a knife to Annabel, who thanked him with a flirty smirk. Nox ignored it. Or maybe he just didn’t notice it in the first place.”Because Oz or another magical place, in books like this one it always comes down to nothing but this:
“It was the halls of high school all over again.”
REMOVE THE TIN WOODMAN’S HEART,
STEAL THE SCARECROW’S BRAIN,
TAKE THE LIONS COURAGE,
AND THEN- DOROTHY MUST DIE.
“You shouldn’t trust me. But you shouldn’t trust anyone else here either. Every smile, every kind word--every cookie--it’s all done with one goal. And that’s a dead princess.”
SOMEONE'S MESSING WITH HIS STORY.
WHAT WOULD MR. BAUM SAY ABOUT IT?
“Down is up, up is down. Good is Wicked, Wicked is Good. The times are changing. This is what Oz has come to.”
"For the Crime of Sass, This Monkey Is Hereby Sentenced to Official Attitude Adjustment. Do Not Tamper. By Royal Order of Princess Dorothy."
"Oz - where all your worst nightmares can come true."
- Amy